Well this is a first, I'm blogging stone cold sober. And it sucks. At
least I'll be imbibing in a few hours while celebrating a couple
birthdays. Ok enough chit chat, time to get down to business.
Onward To Golgotha
"LOOK
HOW TALL JON JONES IS ! WOW HE HAS LONG ARMS AND (AND !) LONG LEGS !
HOLY SHIT. BUT LOOK AT GUSTAFFSON ! HE ALSO HAS LONG ARMS AND LONG LEGS !
AND HE'S WHITE ! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK !!" That's how you
promote a title fight you stupid bimbos ? By talking about the length of their penises
and not their actual fighting skills ? Fuck off UFC. I mean I guess
they might as well compare penis length cause Gustaffson has no chance
at beating Jones anyways but still, at least be somewhat original in
hyping up a fight with the most dominant 205'er that ever existed. The
only way Gustaffson wins is if he walks out to Deathevocation by Dismember
but he doesn't look like someone that listens to them so uhhh, yeah, HE
GONNA DIE. But how's he going to die ? Anaconda strangulation (I'm a
black belt in puns) ? Jones has the arm AND penis length to do it. I
don't think we'll ever see a penis choke in the UFC though, so that's
out of the question. Hellbows From Hell ? Probably. I'm really tired of
talking about penises tonight, so like, Boner Jones by 1st round spinning back elbow to the liver.
Oh fuck. Can you imagine taking a spinning elbow to your liver ?
Duuuuude. Fuck that. You'd be pissing blood to infinity and beyond.
Yeesh.
Oh there's another title fight ? Fuckin' a. Oh,
it's Eddie Wineland against Barao ? Poor guy. Wineland is getting
starched quickly or dismantled at a leisurely pace. Wineland has some
strong straight punches but jesus, dude leaves his chin up so badly I
get concussions just watching him spar. Yeah it's definitely not ending
well for him. I foresee lots of leg kicks and maybe some Lekobusters and
whatever shit crazy little savage Brazilians throw when they're bored
by the lack of competition. Barao by literally throwing shit at Wineland KO 2nd round.
Black
belt in being the worst fucking fighter ever, Brendan Schaub fights
Mitrione on the main card of a PPV in 2013. ENOUGH. Why the fuck does
the UFC insist on stacking Jon Jones cards with garbage fights ?
Hopefully Mitrione knocks this poofter out in the first 30 seconds
because I hate Schaubs face. Mitrione has an impossibly dumb face too so
a double KO would be amazing. Fuck it, WAR double KO. Fuck both of these guys.
Francis Carmont fucking sucks. Yeah, you got something you wanna say about that ? Didn't think so BITCH. Pasta
Philipoo is gonna KO this fuck so fast I won't have time to make
derogatory comments about Brittney Palmers ridiculous CGI face.
Pat
Healy has the biggest skull of all time and he might win by headbutt KO
just because he can't control his skulls gravity. Kebab
Yourmomsagoyimdov has a sick afro though. Shit just got real. But my
soberness is getting in the way of me finishing this pick so I'm going
with Healy just because STRIKEFORCE NEVER DIE.
Sober preliminary stream of consciousness time:
Myles Jury trains in Chula Vista and Mike Ricci looks like such a fucking pussy that I can't handle it. Jury by Chula Vista stabbing KO.
Kid Yamamoto was originally supposed to fight Menjivar but well, he
fucked that all up somehow so some small Brazilian is fighting Menjivar
now. War Yamamoto anyways because Japan Pride all fucking day. That made no sense, sorry, I'm fucking sober. Chris Clements is gonna beat Stephen Thompson
because I fucking said so. That's my analysis. Deal with it. Who the
fuck is Mitch Gagnon ? He probably doesn't like Gorguts so fuck him.
Dustin Kimura is Hawaiian. War Hawaii. John Madkessi should be
fighting at 135 but he's a lazy son of a bitch. I don't care, I still
love that little cross eyed fuck. War Cross Eyes. Jesse Ronson sounds like he'd be a really bland white person. Michelle Prazeres almost beat Paulo Thiago. War Michelle. Alex Caceres has pound for pound the most annoying face ever. Roland Delorme by grappling. NANDOR IS COMING.
Time for a beer.
PEACE.
-SwolePeer
