Wow where to begin. First off, I'm riding a nice buzz thanks to
Alpine Beer Company and Southern Tier Brewing. Secondly, wow, so much
missed weight. Hendricks missing weight. Dude. What. You don't deserve
to have that beard anymore. You're giving us bearded guys a bad name.
Pathetic. Enough. Third, I'm ready for a burrito and another beer.
Onward To Golgotha
ROBBIE
LAWLER IS FIGHTING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. DUDE. WHAT. In 2014
Robbie Lawler is fighting for the UFC belt. Holy shit. And Johny
Hendricks misses weight ? Yes, I know he made weight 2 hours later but
still. And GSP is retired ? Craziest year ever and we're only in March.
Poor Hendricks though, he'll never live his dream of being a champion
since Ruthless is going to flying knee his beard off. Or he's going to
use his superior boxing technique and still knock off his beard. What ?
You're surprised I'm not picking Hendricks ? Deal with it. That's what
happens when someone with a beard misses weight. It's insulting to us.
You think I've ever missed the 265 pound limit ? Hell no. A steady diet
of burritos and pizza and beer keeps me in check. Even better, Nick Diaz
is anti-Hendricks too. Don't be scared homie. Lawler by flying knee KO 3rd round.
Tyrone
Woodley calling Condit a point fighter...what the fuck. The same guy
that had some brutally boring decisions in Strikeforce ? The same guy
that lost to Jake Shields when he was supposed to knock him out ? Get
out of my life. Saying that the Natural Born Killer of all people is a
point fighter ? Umm. No. Not even close son. I ALMOST want Condit to win
by boring decision just to spite him but that wouldn't be too fun. What
would be awesome is if Condit double flying knee KO's Tyrone in
the 1st round. What would be TRIPLE awesome is if Condit and Lawler
fight eachother and the only thing they use is flying knees. Oh my god.
Diego
Sanchez wearing a Bane mask and doing yoga at the open workouts was
amazing but I just can't cheer for someone that misses an impossible
amount of punches while shadowboxing in church high on Stevia. But is
Miles "Davis" Jury the one that's going to stop Diego's schizophrenic
air-punching ? I don't know. Last time I saw him fight was against
uhh...Mike Ricci ? Hold on, let me check Wikipedia. Ok yeah, his last
win was a split against Mike Ricci. Before that he knocked out somebody
and out-grappled Michael "Jordan" Johnson. Does not inspire confidence.
Of course Diego lost to Gomi, Kampmann, Melendez, and Ellenberger in his
last 4 fights so uhh...yeah I don't know. Myles Davis by decision makes
sense cause I doubt he KO's Diego. Ugh this pick is terrible. DIEGO SANCHEZ BY MEXICAN DESTROYING UPPERCUT OF DEATH FUCK LOGIC WAR CHINGASOS.
Fuck Jake Shields. Hector "Oompa Loompa" Lombard better not mess this up by letting Shields bap bap bap
his way to a boring 15 minute decision. That'd be the worst. It doesn't
matter though, it seems like every time Jake Shields is supposed to
lose, he ends up pillow-punching his way to a win. Every time. How does
he do it ? How does he bap bap bap his opponents into total
hesitation ? I've been punched harder by ghost Pokemon. One time a bird
crapped on me harder than a Jake Shields punch. My bowel movements have
hit the toilet bowl harder than a Jake Shields punch. Poop poop poop. Lombard by Cuban Missile Crisis.
OSP is fighting the Russian Al "Stephen Graham" Capone. You really expect me to pick against Boardwalk Empire ? Not happening. La Femme Nikita Krylov gonna stomp this momo.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Kelvin Gastelum took 3 dumps to make weight. That's a true champion in my eyes. War Kelvin "Goofiest First Name For A Mexican Ever" Gastelum.
Raquel Pennington looks like a Suicide Girl hopeful that really never
stood a chance, ever. That's all I have to say about this fight. Dennis
"The Menace AKA Worst Nickname Ever" Bermudez Triangle SHOULD be
finishing fights with his aggression alone but he's kinda like a smaller
Diego Sanchez. Jim Hettes on the other hand has a last name that rhymes
with lettuce. So you guys already know where I'm going with this one.
Nope ? Yeah, neither do I. Dennis Bermudez Triangle by his signature finishing move the Bermuda Triangle Triangle. Will "My Boner For Sergio Pettis Is Incredible" Crapuzingano
vs Justin Scoggins is gonna be badass except I'll totally forget to
watch it because I don't have Fart Pass and I'll be busy like...not
watching the prelims. Gotta go with Scoggins though. I don't know how.
But hopefully it's rad. Or not. Who cares. It's on Fart Pass. That's
like the Bermuda Triangle of watching fights. The rest of the fights are
useless. I'm out.
