My Picks For UFC 160: The Oceania Super Fighter Show

It's almost here. We are 24 hours away from the biggest fight in the history of face punching. Mark Hunt is fighting for a number one contenders spot in the UFC in 2013. Holy. Shit. This is real, right ? This is real life ? Or did I get Inception'd somehow ? Who cares. The Samoan Monster has been my favorite fighter since I first started following MMA back in 2007 when Jay Glazer and Frank Trigg hosted a Best Of Pride show. I was drawn to this stocky islander that had a similar build to me and was knocking everybody out and then eating all the spam musubi the universe could provide. He was talented but lackadaisical so you never got to see him at his 100% best. Then he comes to the UFC and I'm freaking out, just waiting to watch his debut against Sean McSnorkle (who ?) and couldn't wait to watch him knock this tall doofus out. Of course that didn't happen and he ended up getting submitted with a kimura from guard and I may or may not have cried that night. Then they match him up with Chris Tuschererererer and once again, he almost gets submitted with an Americana but he survives and uppercuts that fat white guys spiked blonde hair off and walks away like he just left the buffet and they ran out of egg rolls. This was followed up by the Ben Rothwell fight and you can bet your ass I was scared. A big grappler with a solid chin ? Oh no. But thank Crom that they were fighting in Denver and the altitude sapped Rothwell of all his cardio and Hunto was about 2 seconds away from securing an armbar and I almost bench pressed every sumo wrestler that ever lived. Never been so excited to watch someone sloppily win a decision but it's goddamn Mark Hunt people. Get it together. He's my idol. I should really start separating this into paragraphs but ain't nobody got time for that. And the Cheick Kongo fight. HA. You sons of bitches actually thought this glass jawed yokel was gonna wrestle for 15 minutes against Hunt ? DIE A BUNCH OF TIMES YOU ASSHOLES. You knew it was over once he countered with that left hook and Kongo went tumbling like the loser he is. Ain't nobody defeating Hunt in Japan. Especially Stefan Strudel. Stupid bean pole looking poop head. You guys may or may not have seen my reaction to that fight (http://youtu.be/czgvrFt4K4E) but you should watch it and feel the anxiety I felt for those 3 rounds. I guess it's time for a new paragraph huh ?

SO ANYWAYS I'M KIND OF A BIG MARK HUNT FAN AND THIS IS THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF HIS CAREER AND LIKE I'M SUPER PUMPED AND ANXIOUS AND WOW WOW WOW LET'S DO THIS.

Mark Hunt by first round walk off KO. Or Atomic Buttdrop. Did you guys really expect a different pick from me ? Get real. Yeah I like Dos Santos and of course I was bummed when Cain beat him in the rematch but well, I hope he loses this fight too and gets fired and never fights again. That sounded a bit harsh but whatever. Islander Pride you weenies. Junior is gonna use those jabs to the body but he'll forget he's facing the best counter striker in the UFC and will feel those Spam can fists all over his chin when he gets dropped in the first two minutes. Definitely not getting any sleep tonight. It's going to be a powerful night for all of us. Guamanian Geisha, you better not miss this.

Poor Bigfoot, demolishes Overeem and STILL has no chance against Cain Velasquez. Theres just no way he's improved his speed to avoid the takedown. It's just...no. It's not happening. The only thing that can happen is Cain blowing out both of his knees while walking out to the cage and even then he could probably shoot a double with just his stumps and complete a takedown. Sorry Bigfoot. Cain by TKO 1st round (again).

I'm gonna be honest, I was going to do every fight on this card with the same analysis and unbridled enthusiasm that Mark Hunt recieved, but goddamn if the last two days haven't been absolute piles of shit so I'm just going to stream of consciousness the FUCK out of the rest of the fights.

Here goes:

TJ Grant has an awesome beard and that'll be the deciding factor against Gray Maynard who is actually growing on me, just not for this fight. Sorry bro. KJ Noons still has some of the best hair not named Luke Rockhold but it's not saving him against Cerrone's headkicks. James "The Tuna" Te Huna has a good shot of winning but it'd probably have to be by KO or something cause I think Glover is going to wear this guy down. SHOULD be an awesome fight if they don't clinch n bitch it up. Uhhh...Te Huna by KO because war New Zealand. I can't fucking wait to sleep. Rick Story is such a fucking douche and Mike Pyle is also a douche but he proudly wears the Miguel Torres mullet so fucking WAR Mullet WAR Pyle by TKO 2nd round. Dennis Bermudez had American Psycho Christian Bale hair at the weigh ins. It was pretty goddamn awesome. Max Holloway is too small for being a Hawaiian. Bermudez by returning some video tapes. Colton Smith looks like a major fucking douche. Who's he fighting ? He's probably a douche too. I'll be eating during this fight. Kebab Nurembergdegmogav or whatever is ALSO a douche bag. So fuck him. Abel Trujillo looks like the pinnacle of being a fucking prick BUT he didn't shove his opponent at the weigh ins so WAR Fucking Prick. George Roop can make 135. Ridiculous. Brian Balls is going to knock his ass out to 125 or death. Probably death. Jeremy Stephens is the prototype for being a douchebag prick asshole so like, yeah, he should die. I don't know the name of the guy he's fighting but he can't be as terrible a human being as Jeremy Stephens. War Other Guy. Time for sleep.

P.S. I'll be seeing you at your art show Guamanian Geisha. 

My Picks For UFC on FX: Feetor Belfart vs Dude From Santa Cruz With Great Hair

Just ate a black forest ham with Nutella burrito. Wasn't too bad. Coulda used a beer with it doe. Maybe a Great Divide Oak Aged Chocolate Yeti Stout or something. I think I'll pick one of those up tonight. Yeah. That sounds good. Why am I doing these picks on a Thursday instead of Friday ? Because I make the rules up in here. Deal with it.

Onward To Golgotha

Man, it's impossible to get pumped for this card. Once Costa Philipoo got injured and Chris Camozzi filled his spot my heart just crumbled. Well not really, but a little anyways. Surprised the main event isn't getting any hype either cause it has the potential to be a really badical fight. Will Belfort be super jacked on TRT ? Of course. Will Rockhold's hair look amazing ? Of course. Will Gleison Tibau gas during the fighter introductions ? Of course. Will Arianny look ridiculous with her no ass compared to every other Brazilian strumpet in the crowd with their hella surra de bundas* ? OF. FUCKING. COURSE.

Ok so raise your hand if you're picking Belfort by BLAZING HAND SPEED KO. My hand is raised. I don't think Rockhold will be able to keep Belfort away with his body kicks and eventually Belfort is going to rush in with a left hook and knock him out cold. That's some K-1 level analysis right there guys. Guy avoids kick, guy punches guy in face, guy wins fight. That's some super technical, analrapist shit right there guys. BET THE HOUSE ON BELFORT. DO IT. FOR JESUS. Belfort by first round KO.

Chris Camozzi is absolutely terrible at all aspects of MMA, BUT, he DOES have the best "stereotypically horrendous fighter tattoos" ever. So much tribal. So. Much. Tribal. He's a terrible tattoo black belt under Pamela Anderson. Oh holy shit I mentioned Pam Anderson in my picks. Wow. That is TRULY next level. And really sets the bar of ridiculousness high for the next batch of picks I do. Shit. Jacare by being a monster. Flying triangleplataarmbar 1st ten seconds.

I fear for Hafael Two Anjos life every time he fights. After Guida (FUCKING GUIDA) broke his jaw and then Gleison Tibau nearly raped it off his face with giant steroid Brock Lesnar implant gorilla fists, I'm surprised he can still chew on Captain Crunch without getting a bunch of concussions. Evan Dunham looked like absolute feces in his last fight against Tibau (that's like the millionth time I've mentioned Tebow in these picks and I'm not even going to discuss his fight) so like, maybe Two Anjos' jaw will survive another onslaught of crunchberries to the dome. I'm a big fan of his muay thai soooo Two Anjos' by headkick jawbreaking KO 2nd round.

Rafael Natal sucks. He's fighting a newcomer. War newcomer.

I'm just gonna breeze through the prelims in a stream of consciousness jumbled mess:

Hacran Dias, I always hear his name but never seen him fight. Too bad he's fighting Lentz N Fence cause he's getting decisioned so hard. Who the fuck is Mike Rio and why isn't Max Cavalera headlining this card. Oh theres Gleison Tibau, I'm really tired of typing his stupid name so I'm skipping his fight. War Paulo Thiago forever even though he's looked so bad in his last like...5 fights at least. Ugh. Yuri Alcantara knocked out whats his face, Ricardo Lamas ? Or am I thinking of another WEC guy ? I don't know. War Yury DA FURY Alanctara anyways. Fabio "Looks Like Mike Patton" Moldynalgas is finally going to get a legit win. War Moldynalgas. Who is Asthma GashNmosh ? He probably sucks. So does John Lineker. Kamikaze Kariaso is probably knocking out Juicy Formiga. That's a shame. Jeremy Larsen sounds like an asshole that would spill your bowl of Captain Crunch. Lucas Martins sounds like his dad used to play tennis AND/OR golf so he wore polo shirts as a baby and got beat up in school every day. Good. He fucking deserved it. Man I'm starving. Later bitches.

*Google it. Get a boner. Don't tell me about your boner though.