Oh fuck me. Frank Mir is stepping in to fight Dos Santos ? Cool, that'll be the most predictable outcome ever. Might as well have Mene Gene Okerlund fight Miss Elizabeth as the main event. Good job Dana, you blew that shit. Coulda been MARK HUNT but nope. Whatever. Enough.
Onward To Golgotha
So this is easily the crappiest card on paper. There's only 1 fight I'm really interested in and the rest should be prelims on a Fuel card. The UFC really thinks Jones is the new blacksplosive GSP/Lesnar ? Fuck outta here. Until he shows his real asshole personality no one will give a shit. If you can't tell, I'm a little angry because Aoki got destroyed a few hours ago and Dana White is the biggest pile of shit ever and I hate Frank Mir forever. Knowing that he'll get knocked out is not satisfying enough for me, it should be MARK HUNT fighting Dos Santos. Fuck off.
So Rashad has no chance. Sorry dawg. Unless you get lucky and time Jones goofy looking strikes and counter with an overhand right that lands flush on his chin and knocks him out your ass is getting subbed or knocked out with a knee in the 2nd round. I'm sick of this pre-hype bullshit, I'm sick of Rashad being a little bitch because Jones said he'd fight him, I'm sick of Jon's brother acting like he's an MMA coach just because he's a fat football player, just sick of all of this garbage. Everyone knows that Rashad has no chance. Come on people. Jones by some knee KO bullshit, whatever. I don't care goddamnit.
Che Mills is not an "elite, ELITE fighter", shut the fuck up Joe Rogan. Go do Joey Diaz impressions instead, that's the only thing you're good at. Rory Macdonald beat up Nate Diaz so I hate him forever. If Che wasn't so terrible I'd pick him but that's not the case. Rory is gonna run right through this asshole. Waterboy by 1st round armbar. What a terrible co-main event.
Fuck Brendan Schaub. That dude is ALMOST a big of a douche as Frank Mir. I said almost. When Big Nig knocked him out I did a backflip and knocked over my carne asada fries, and then ate em off the floor because I was so happy that his doucheness got knocked out. Ben Rothwell used to be fat but he looked great at the weigh-ins so I'll be cheering for him. Rothwell by Paula Deen-lite KO 1st round.
I haven't been impressed with Michael Mcdonald and that's not changing after tomorrow night because The Mullet is gonna dominate him and show him who the real Jefe is of the bantamweight division. Torres is coming back with a finish and getting that title shot finally. Mullet by Machete Murder 3rd round.
Eddie Yagin is on the main card ? Wow. That pinoy has no chance. Hematoma Boy by a boring decision.
Mark Bocek wears really awkward underwear. John Alessio is a handsome fellow. Alessio by handsome.
CHAD GRIGGS FUCK YEAH. Why isn't he on the main card ? Travis Browne is kinda crappy for being a physically gifted guy. Sideburns Of Death is gonna get in that ass and shock the world with a 20 second KO. Callin' it. Lock of the night.
Karate Boy gonna be the first guy to KO Matt "I Really Suck, I Don't Understand How I'm Still In The UFC Because I Suck So Much" Brown with a left axe kick/right cross combo.
John Makdessi should be fighting at Bantamweight but somehow can't make 155. Ok fuck you. Nigerian Gangster is channeling his inner Fela Kuti as we speak and he's going to unleash the Monkey Banana Of Doom all over Makdessi's chin. Nigerian Gangster 2nd round murdercide.
Wow I can't stand Efrain Escudero. Fuck outta here dawg. Danzig gonna decision the shit out of you.
Who's Chris Clements ? Keith Worscheshshirikzkzzzz by no one cares.
MAXIMUM BLANKA GONNA GET IN THAT BOYS ASS. MAXIMUM BLANKA BY MAXIMUM KO FIRST ROUND BITCHES.
I'm gonna drink some more. Buzz off assholes.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Dismember vs Sepultura
Alright you momos, I just ate a grilled cheese, I'm drinking Lagunitas Imperial Stout and listening to Joey Diaz. It's been like 5 years since the last UFC and I'm absolutely dying to do some picks. Remember that the prelims on Facebook start at 9:30 am (for the west coasters) and the main card starts at 12. Boom. Let's get fat you mooks.
Onward To Golgotha
Damn that was some good beer. Warming me up on this khold, rainy night. Murderface is back after the Athletic Commission suspended him for a year because he beat the living shit out of Vera and they needed to let everyone else catch up to his level of dominance. Gustaffson is a rad guy and he probably listened to At The Gates when he was younger (probably Slaughter Of The Soul, not the good shit) but he's going to get his chin molested by Murderface. (Even though I'm kinda expecting Gustaffson to win using his jab and range but who cares about strategy here). Oh man, Beneath The Remains/Escape To The Void (Live) just came on shuffle. Gustaffson is fucked. Thiago Silva by :
WALKING THESE DIRTY STREETS
WITH HATE IN MY MIND
FEELING THE SCORN OF THE WORLD
I WON'T FOLLOW YOUR RULES
BLAME AND LIES, CONTRADICTIONS ARISE
BLAME AND LIES, CONTRADICTIONS ARISE
aka Thiago by Max Cavalera Capoeira Headkick KO.
Alessio Sakara co-maining against Brian Stann ? YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE UFC. I guess they wanted a stand n bang battle. Heres to hoping Lasagna Boy knocks out Milquetoast Stann quickly so I can take a dump before the main event. Ricotta Boy by upset KO left hook counter.
I only know about Siyar The Killer from Bloodstain Lane videos, I've never actually seen him fight. And he's debuting against my favorite 170'er not named Nick Diaz so too bad jabroni. Paulo Cheeago better walk out to Krisiun or he's a BITCH. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9A4FQ7sbSA) That's not gonna be an issue though because he just sent me a text saying he was walking out to Conquerors of Armageddon. Paulo Thiago by anaconda choke in the 2nd round. BANK IT.
Diego Nunes looks like he could fight at 135...maybe ? I don't know. Denis Siver's chin is officially gone and I suspect that Nunes gets a highlight reel KO. I don't really care about Diego Nunes so whatever. Diego by listening to Krisiun maybe. I used to LOVE those guys in high school. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHkUNCuu7_w&feature=relmfu)
Damarques Johnson lost to Matt Riddle. John Maguire by whatever he wants.
Damacio Page better not lose cause he's awesome but Brad Pickett is 100% going to sub him. Lock of the night people. I'll be busy doing important things during this fight like uhh...drinking carrot juice or something. Whatever. Pickett by guillotine or maybe Damacio knocks him out. WHO KNOWS.
I'm gonna drink some more and then pass out early so I can wake up for the prelims. I hope you guys join me so we can discuss how terrible European fighters are. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health.
SEACREST OUT.
Onward To Golgotha
Damn that was some good beer. Warming me up on this khold, rainy night. Murderface is back after the Athletic Commission suspended him for a year because he beat the living shit out of Vera and they needed to let everyone else catch up to his level of dominance. Gustaffson is a rad guy and he probably listened to At The Gates when he was younger (probably Slaughter Of The Soul, not the good shit) but he's going to get his chin molested by Murderface. (Even though I'm kinda expecting Gustaffson to win using his jab and range but who cares about strategy here). Oh man, Beneath The Remains/Escape To The Void (Live) just came on shuffle. Gustaffson is fucked. Thiago Silva by :
WALKING THESE DIRTY STREETS
WITH HATE IN MY MIND
FEELING THE SCORN OF THE WORLD
I WON'T FOLLOW YOUR RULES
BLAME AND LIES, CONTRADICTIONS ARISE
BLAME AND LIES, CONTRADICTIONS ARISE
aka Thiago by Max Cavalera Capoeira Headkick KO.
Alessio Sakara co-maining against Brian Stann ? YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE UFC. I guess they wanted a stand n bang battle. Heres to hoping Lasagna Boy knocks out Milquetoast Stann quickly so I can take a dump before the main event. Ricotta Boy by upset KO left hook counter.
I only know about Siyar The Killer from Bloodstain Lane videos, I've never actually seen him fight. And he's debuting against my favorite 170'er not named Nick Diaz so too bad jabroni. Paulo Cheeago better walk out to Krisiun or he's a BITCH. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9A4FQ7sbSA) That's not gonna be an issue though because he just sent me a text saying he was walking out to Conquerors of Armageddon. Paulo Thiago by anaconda choke in the 2nd round. BANK IT.
Diego Nunes looks like he could fight at 135...maybe ? I don't know. Denis Siver's chin is officially gone and I suspect that Nunes gets a highlight reel KO. I don't really care about Diego Nunes so whatever. Diego by listening to Krisiun maybe. I used to LOVE those guys in high school. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHkUNCuu7_w&feature=relmfu)
Damarques Johnson lost to Matt Riddle. John Maguire by whatever he wants.
Damacio Page better not lose cause he's awesome but Brad Pickett is 100% going to sub him. Lock of the night people. I'll be busy doing important things during this fight like uhh...drinking carrot juice or something. Whatever. Pickett by guillotine or maybe Damacio knocks him out. WHO KNOWS.
I'm gonna drink some more and then pass out early so I can wake up for the prelims. I hope you guys join me so we can discuss how terrible European fighters are. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health.
SEACREST OUT.
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