My Picks For UFC 155: I Ate Too Much Spicy Food Tonight And I'm Going To Pay For It In The Morning Aka WAR DOS SANTOS

I woke up this morning in a pretty spiteful mood and was planning on using this intro to rant about flakes and a person that's really tested my patience the last month or so but then I worked out, drank a good beer, had some really good food and now I'm feeling better. That doesn't mean the Fury And Flames (Hate Eternal reference for all you rubes) has left my system, it's still there, but I'll keep it out of the picks because this is no place for negativity unless it's directed at annoying fighters. But you know, a Converge song might come on shuffle and it'll set me off and shit will get hostile really goddamn quick in here. Enough pussyfooting around, time to get kneed in the dick a bunch of times.

So Cain getting a title shot after elbowing Bigfoot Silva once in the forehead region is complete garbage and shows how much chorizo Dana shoves up his own ass on a daily basis. I could see if Cain lost a split decision then you could give him a rematch this soon but goddamnit you fuckers, he gets knocked out brutally by the champ in one MINUTE, beats a slow guy, and then gets a rematch ? Fuck off. What really pisses me off is all the taco-wagon Cain fans that booed Dos Santos at the weigh-ins. All you posers can get arrested in Arizona for smelling like refried beans. NO ONE boos Dos Santos. He's the raddest Brazilian ever not named Pregnant Adriana Lima and you will show him the proper respect. What I'm trying to say is, Cain has no chance and he'll get knocked out brutally with a left hook, ONE SHOT ONE KILL, and I'll be blowing up Facebook with lots of exclamation points. Dos Santos by Immigrant Hating KO 1st round.

*does a shot of Glenlivet*

Did you guys watch the Vlog with Creepy Joe tapping out Nick The Tooth like 20 times in three minutes ? Holy awesome. For some reason I've never been a huge J-Lau fan but after that video and falling in love with his Massachusetts accent I will be cheering for him the rest of his career. Besides, Jim Miller never excited me. Kinda surprised everyone thinks Jim Miller is just going to steamroll J-Lau and not even pay for dinner. Get the fuck outta here guys. Miller is done being a contender. He'll probably drop to 145 after J-Lau wins by decision probably cause I can't really see him finishing Miller. This will be a badical fight though, can't wait.

Zorbas Filipoo is Greek and trains with Ray Longo. That means he's going to be the champ at 185 pounds forever and Matt Serra will be the Pastaweight champ of the Universe. Tim Borscht trains with boring Midwest white folk and is going to get knocked out. Hey, I was going nuts for Borscht when he Godzilla Smashed the shit out of Okami but I won't be cheering for him this time because Ray Longo is the best dude ever and you don't mess with the Matt Serra Pasta Team. Costa is gonna stuff those takedowns, not get Redneck Judo'd and will be throwing left hooks for 15 minutes. Costa by semi-shocking upset decision.

Alan Belcher tore up my boy Paul Harris but that's cool, I don't hate him anymore. Okami on the other hand should just stick to rolling really terrible California rolls and serving up teriyaki chicken bowls for all the gaijins. Don't let Joe Rogan fool you, Okami is not going to be able to smother Belcher, but he WILL get his flat face smashed the shit in with beautiful headkicks and elbows in the clinch. Y'all ready know where this ones going. Belcher by extra manly TKO 2nd round.

Eddie Wineland vs Brad Pickett shoulda been on the main card instead of Leben vs Dirk Bronson or whatever his name is. Total bullshit. I can't even come up with something badical to say about this fight because their actions will speak louder than words. Who's going to win ? Shit if I know. Pickett ? Maybe. Wineland ? Maybe. This is going to be FOTN guaranteed though. Can't pick a winner though, SORRY. Uhhh...Brittney Palmer by cameltoe clutch 1st round.

Chris Leben is back and whatever. He's fighting some chump that got knocked out by Jacare. Leben by KO. Come on people.

I could do the prelims but ya know, I have stuff to do. Like drink more and get angry. See you momos tomorrow night !

My Picks For UFC on Fox 5: Don't Be Scared Homie vs I Can Do All Things Through CHRIST !

MAHALOS MOTHERFUCKERS. I've had a Spam-can shaped boner for the last 3 months or so waiting for this card and it's finally here. I'm not gonna waste any more time because I want to digest this breakfast and hit the goddamn weights and get JACKED.



Onward To Golgotha


Nate Diaz gonna Stockton Slap the fuck outta JESUS tonight. You guys really think Bendersonson is gonna flick out triple jabs and actually land one of em and damage Nate ? You idiots really think he's going to take down Nate and hold him down for 25 minutes ? You really think he's going to survive the Middle Finger Triangle Of Death ? NOPE. Bendersonson is an athletic dude but gameplans terribly and puts himself in bad positions all the time. Can't be triflin' with Nate Diaz though, son. I just can't wait for Nate to start flipping him off and landing some hateful body shots causing Bendersonson to crumple and instead of going for the kill he flips him off some more and yells "STOCKTON BITCH. WHAT." and submits him with a rape choke. That shit's fucking happening. BANK IT. Nate Diaz by God Hating Rape Choke 3rd round.

HAWAII I LOVE YOU. My body is so ready for BJ to smash this fake Patrick Bateman wannabe motherfucker. I've never been sold on Rory and just don't see him being the champion ever. Rory will be bigger and like...I guess that's the only advantage he has. He's not going to outbox or be able to lay n pray on BJ. Fuck no. You know what BJ Penn's gonna do ? WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. I don't know how the fights gonna play out but BJ will be licking blood off his gloves like a fucking animal and Rory will be posting Slipknot pictures on Instagram. Penn by MurderDeathKill 1st round.

I'm so fucking scared for Shogun tonight. The Hendo fight took about 30 years off his life, so he probably has the brain of a 120 year old right now. Even Brandon Vera took some years off him. Brandon "Oh Man I'm The Worst Fighter Ever But I'm The Representative Of San Diego MMA So Worship Me" Vera. FUCK OFF. Gustaffson has an awesome beard, a pretty wife, and he listens to Dismember (I think). Well, Slowgun's wife is really cute too but like...neither of the Rua's listen to Dismember so who gives a shit about them. I so badly want Shogun to come out looking like a murderer in the Pride days but that shit is long gone, the only Shogun we get now has a more intense muffin top than me and plods slower than a one-legged tortoise that had it's skull cracked from a schizophrenic honey badger trying to rape it. Gustaffson by depressing one-punch KO 1st round :(

Aight bitches, I'm out this mother. Enjoy your Saturday afternoon, get some good food and beers, chill on the couch and get ready for the best card all year. And join me here on Fartbook for the DISCUSSION ZONEEEEEEEE.