WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!
I'm
elbow dropping the Universe in my Ric Flair boxers right now 100
percent sober. That should be the real main event of this card cause who
the fuck thinks Sonnen has a chance at beating Jones ? Get outta here.
Instead of them fighting, I'm going to elbow drop and knee drop the
Octagon for 25 minutes while Brittney Palmer does a really crappy live
painting of me and then sells it on Instagram for a million dollars.
That's the main event. I should really be drunk while doing these picks
cause oh wow this card is terrible. ANYWAYS.
Onward To Golgotha
So
done with Chael Sonnen. So done with Jones fighting middleweights
instead of legitimate 205'ers. So done with Dana White shoving these
terrible matches up our asses and trying to convince us it's a great
fight. So done with these allergies. So done with being sober tonight,
it's time to get plastered and drunk text everybody. Prepare your
buttholes people. Jones by D'arce choke 3rd round. Maybe earlier.
Probably earlier. Sonnen is going to throw those terrible Dan
Henderson-like inside leg kicks and shoot for doubles all night. Too bad
he won't be successful at all cause he'll be shooting from way out. You
think he's gonna somehow clinch with Jones and not get dropped on his
face ? Get real. This is such a gigantic mismatch. Of course I'll be
cheering for Sonnen anyways cause I'm the biggest hypocrite in MMA and I
always love a ridiculous upset...it's just not happening this time.
Wheres my beer ?
Used to hate Alan Belcher, then he grew on me,
now I hate him again. Probably because he fought like turtle turds
against Okami and knocked out Paul Harris. Is he going to shock the
world and be the first guy to KO Bisping since Hendo ? Probably not.
Will Bisping KO Belcher ? Fuck outta here guy. Will this fight be boring
? Bet your sweet ass it will. Man I really need some thai food right
now. After I type this pick I'm gonna head out and get thai food. I'm a
man of my word. So, Bisping by decision ? I hate doing these safe picks
that aren't amusing at all but it's Bisping, and he doesn't inspire
confidence. It's not like these are picks I'm betting real money on.
Hmm...let's go Belcher by 1st round tornado kick. Fuck it.
Ok
I'm back. Just ate some Pad See Ew with peanut sauce and sriracha,
chased it down with an Avery Brewing IPA. Feelin' good for the first
time today. Fuck yeah. Where we at now ? Oh Roy Nelson vs Cheick Kongo.
Uhhh...goddamn Kongo is terrible. Sure he has an amazing body that I
wish I had but other than that he's a terrible fighter. Mark Hunt
destroyed his chin forever. Roy Nelson's going to destroy it even more.
Wish I had more thai food. Gosh it was so good. This fight is either
going to end in a KO or 15 minutes of clinching against the cage. I'm
hoping for the former. BIG BELLY NELSON BY HOMETOWN BUFFET BREAKFAST SLAM KO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!
Phil
Davis, I really, really hope your babies mama is just a lying bitch. If
what she says is true, MY GOD MEAN GENE, MY GOD. I'M. GOING. TO.
STRANGLE. YOU. HALF. TO. DEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry guys,
can't stop with the Ric Flair lines. He's too fucking awesome. Phil
Davis being accused of rape isn't though. With that being said, WAR
VINNY BANGLADESH ! Or however you pronounce his last name. He's really
handsome and...I guess that's it. Vinny by Vinnyplata ? That'd be
awesome. Probably gonna be a decision though if Phil wants to stand n
bang. Or choke n bang. Fucking rapist. WAR VINNYPLATA 1st ROUND.
BATTLE
OF THE REDBEARDS. Jim Miller looks like a SAVAGE with the shave
head/big beard combo. Pat Healy has a bigger skull than Tito Ortiz
though. So like, that's gotta get him some brownie points too. Won't be
enough brownie points to beat Jim Miller though. His cardio is too
ridiculous and he's going to outwork Healy and finish with a rear naked
in the 3rd round. Bank on it. WAR MILLER BEARD.
I'm not writing up the prelims. I'd rather drink more. PEACE BITCHES.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
My Picks For UFC On Fox: Benderson's Amazing Legs vs The World
I'm on my game tonight you harlots. Watching the Pride 2006 Open Weight
GP, listening to Indian, eating hot cheetos, feelin' pretty good even
though this head cold is trying to take the fun out of the weekend. You
strumpets better be pumped up for an amazing free card that's stacked
from top to bottom. I'll also be pretty drunk by 5pm so shits getting
rowdy in the discussion zone.
Onward To Golgotha
Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.
Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.
WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.
Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.
Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.
Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.
Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.
Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.
Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.
Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.
Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.
Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.
Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.
*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.
Onward To Golgotha
Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.
Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.
WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.
Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.
Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.
Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.
Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.
Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.
Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.
Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.
Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.
Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.
Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.
*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.
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