Sup dudes. Are any of you excited for this card ? Don't say yes. If
you say yes, I'm going to block you from reading these forever and your
life will be a tad more dull. I know I'm not excited for this card.
Imagine if I said yes ? How do you ban yourself from reading your own
fight picks ? Shit just got Inception'd in here. Anyways...
Onward To Golgotha
But
seriously. You guys remember when this card was actually sorta kinda
decent ? I mean Barao was going to sub Wineland and Nog was gonna split
decision Shogun but at least it legitimized streaming the PPV illegally.
Now it's not even worth getting on my computer for. Unless somebody
comes up with a radical plan for tomorrow night I'll probably end up
slumming it with you guys in the discussion zone. I mean I love chatting
with you guys about fights, it's my favorite thing, but jeez...this
card is more depressing then getting snubbed by a girl who said she'd go
on a date with you. *crickets* *douchechills* *crickets with douchechills*
"A RIGHT HAND ! ANOTHER RIGHT HAND ! BWABWABWABWA IT'S OVER !!". EASILY my favorite call by Maura Ranallo. He really should be Hendo's official commentator when a knockout is guaranteed. Too
bad it's not happening tomorrow night because Rashad is gonna run away
for 15 triflin' ass minutes. Oh please MMA gods, please bless us with a
decent fight with some semblance of drama. But Crom has been a
real fucking asshole to me lately so it'll probably end in the first
minute with an eyepoke by Arianny because she's jealous of Brittney
Palmers stupid nutrition company taking off now. Can Brittney Palmer
shut up with her dumb ass nutrition tips on Instagram already ? Jesus
christ that is some overbearing shit. No one cares that you work out
every day, or you do really terrible stencils, just continue to wear
booty shorts and smile. Enough. Hendo by H-Bomb because if Rashad landed an N-Bomb it'd be really uncomfortable.
Oh
Roy Nelson. You racist fucking scumbag. You don't call Daniel Cormier
an Uncle Tom. My god, how fucking stupid can you be ? He's going to
clinch against the cage with you for 15 minutes. Are you man enough to
handle that ? DIDN'T THINK SO. Also, can I use this space to talk about
how christ rapingly ignorant Josh Thomson is ? HOLY. SHIT. Gay
marriage is a gateway drug to pedophilia and bestiality ? Dude...what ?
How did you even. WHAT ?! Seriously ? Are you part of this planet ? Oh
my god. You headkick Nate Diaz's stupid face off and the world loves
you, then you turn around and drip tard slobber all over it. Why would
you EVER say something like that ? You and Roy Nelson can go be useless
fuckbags that no one cares about ever. Let Josh Burkman choke your dumb
ass out forever on some bogus ass World Series Of Farting card. Ugh. Oh I
have to make a pick...umm...Cro Cop Miocic by left headkick because this card sucks anyways and who cares.
Ryan
Jimmo has perpetual duckface. I should pick him to get knocked out
until the universe collapses under the weight of my beard but Igor
Pokerjack has pillowfists so that's not happening. Damnit. Jimmo by decision because Canada.
Shawn
Jordan has some thick legs but they're not as beefy as mine. I'm the
real beefcastle here, don't ever forget it. Pat Barry rules. That's
really all I can say about him, as annoying as he gets sometimes, he
throws every punch at 666% kill power. Can't ever pick against someone that has zero fucks to give. WAR Pat Barry forever.
The
only guy more delusional than Josh Thomson is Jake Shields. Does he
really believe the shit he says ? He's looked like my poop after eating
lots of Sriracha in all of his UFC fights, plus he failed a drug test,
and then thinks he can match Woodley's KO power. HUH ? When has Milquetoast Man
ever shown KO power ? He tried jabbing an apricot in his backyard once
and it bounced back and broke his fucking jaw. Shields just sucks. Tyrone Woodley gonna THROW THEM 'BOWS, THROW THEM 'BOWS. TKO 1st round.
I'm getting tired so it's time for the mandatory prelim stream of consciousness:
Alexis
Davis looks like a slightly cuter version of Sarah Kaufman, I think ? I
don't know. Never seen her right. I only recognize Rosi Sexton's name
from Fighter's Only articles. Heard she should be fighting at 125 too.
Darn. Alexis Davis by sub 1st round. James Krause looks like somebody...damnit. Who ? OH. He kinda looks like a tall Dustin Poirier. War Tall Dustin Poirier. Sam Stout fucking sucks anyways. Sean Pierson is terrible. I hope K-Rob does something to him that makes him bleed and cry and scream a bunch.
Who the fuck is Roland Delorme ? Edwin Figueroa should be fighting at
125 but he's fucking lazy and shoulda been cut by the UFC already.
Uhhh...wow this fights gonna be awkwardly shitty. Can't wait. War nobody. John Maguire finally dropped down to 155 and Mike Dolce needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP. War Maguire. Yves Jabouin can go retire. Thanks. Hope to see you jezebels in the discussion zone tomorrow. PEACE.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Nogueiradamus vs Fabiola Verdumb
Oh shit it's already Friday ? Dude, rad. I'm already pretty hopped up on Sierra Nevada Hoptimum and just trying to figure out which beer to introduce myself to next. What do you guys think ? I could open up the Alesmith Yulesmith, it's only a week old. Decisions...
Onward To Golgotha
It was only two weeks ago when my heart was crushed by Junior Dos Santos' Lekobuster but I've recovered and am back in the swing of things. And surprising enough, this Fuel card is actually decent and should bring back that unbridled enthusiasm I'm used to giving y'all. Ok that's enough crap. Time to get down to brass tacks.
You shouldn't even be reading this if you haven't seen the first fight between Nog and Werdum. Well I guess you can if you're bored on a friday night like me, but still. That fight showed how much of a stud Old Man Nog was back in the day and how much Werdum has improved since then. And it also showed how much the UFC needs Lenne Hardt, because Bruce Buffer does not do Nog's entrance justice. I just wish Old Man Nog was still a stud, cause I foresee my heart also being crushed tomorrow night. Well not really, I was never a diehard Nog fan but seeing him lose to Mir twice and getting MurderDeathKill'd by Velasquez took the fun out of it. Werdum might not MDK Nog but he sure as shit can TKO him. And it's probably happening tomorrow night. Theres no way this fight goes the full 5 rounds. INCONCEIVABLE. Is Nog fast enough to outbox Werdum ? Dude I don't know. I kinda doubt it though. Shit. I'd also be kinda shocked if it goes to the ground at all. Who are you guys picking ? Oh fuck it. PRIDE NEVER DIE. BIG NOG BY KIMURA ALL FUCKING DAY BOZOS.
Thiago Silva is the scariest looking dude not named Wallid Ismael to ever live. He hasn't won a fight in four (4) years so the scariness is slowly slipping away. But like if you were at a bar and you sorta almost cut in front of him to grab the last Stone Brewing Espresso Russian Imperial Stout on cask you might just run the fuck away and leave your girlfriend to fend for herself. I wouldn't run though cause I'm a bad dude also and would protect my girlfriend even if it meant getting a concussion and possibly banned from the bar, but ya know, whatever. Man stuff. Rafael Feijao is also a man, a man that knocks out fuckos with his man hands n shit. He ain't scared. He don't get turnt up. Well actually he probably does, but no ones going to stop him. So all that leaves us with is, who the shit is scary enough to win tomorrow night ? I gotta go with Feijao on this one. Yeah he doesn't pass his drug tests but this is 2013 bro, shit happens. Drugs happen. Whatever. That's what happens when you get turnt up sometimes. Who cares. Feijao by Lekobuster because why not.
Daniel Sarafian is one scary looking beef castle. He's 5'9" and built like a brick shithouse. Eddie Mendez looks like the wimpiest carrot that ever came from Brazil. Using a highly structured method of picking fights I've reached the conclusion that Brick Shithouse beats Wimpy Carrot 100% of the time. War Brazilian Brick Shithouse.
Jason High loves The Wire. Erick Silva is really handsome. Damnit. Who do I pick ? This is too difficult right now. But logic dictates that Erick Silva is such a handsome savage and he usually destroys wrestlers anyways with his handsomeness that Jason High doesn't stand a chance. Sorry dude, but Omar comin' yo. Erick Silva by Lekobuster because this is Brazil. You don't make the rules.
The other 8 fights suck so bad that I'm just going to stream of consciousness it up. Prepare your buttholes people:
Didn't Leo Santos get kicked in the balls really badly in Japan a couple years ago ? That's my only vague memory of him. The guy he's fighting looks like an even more obnoxious Kevin Randleman. War Leo Santos' balls. Rony Jason looks like a super asshole but Mike Wilkinson's face is begging to be smashed in with elbows. War Super Asshole. Raphael Assuncao shouldn't be on the prelims fighting an unranked fighter. Total bullshit. Assuncao by whatever he wants, when he wants, because he's FUCKING Raphael Assncow. Rodrigo Damm looks like Bishop from Aliens. He's fighting a Japanese guy. War Japan. Two guys with names I can't even type are fighting, so they don't count as humans. Caio Magalhaes is a creepy looking guy and Karlos Vemola has a crooked eye. War Crooked Eye ? Anthony Smith's face pisses me way off. Antonio Braga Neto is supposed to be good so I guess I'll pick him. Whatever. I just can't wait to go to the bar tomorrow night. PEACE.
Onward To Golgotha
It was only two weeks ago when my heart was crushed by Junior Dos Santos' Lekobuster but I've recovered and am back in the swing of things. And surprising enough, this Fuel card is actually decent and should bring back that unbridled enthusiasm I'm used to giving y'all. Ok that's enough crap. Time to get down to brass tacks.
You shouldn't even be reading this if you haven't seen the first fight between Nog and Werdum. Well I guess you can if you're bored on a friday night like me, but still. That fight showed how much of a stud Old Man Nog was back in the day and how much Werdum has improved since then. And it also showed how much the UFC needs Lenne Hardt, because Bruce Buffer does not do Nog's entrance justice. I just wish Old Man Nog was still a stud, cause I foresee my heart also being crushed tomorrow night. Well not really, I was never a diehard Nog fan but seeing him lose to Mir twice and getting MurderDeathKill'd by Velasquez took the fun out of it. Werdum might not MDK Nog but he sure as shit can TKO him. And it's probably happening tomorrow night. Theres no way this fight goes the full 5 rounds. INCONCEIVABLE. Is Nog fast enough to outbox Werdum ? Dude I don't know. I kinda doubt it though. Shit. I'd also be kinda shocked if it goes to the ground at all. Who are you guys picking ? Oh fuck it. PRIDE NEVER DIE. BIG NOG BY KIMURA ALL FUCKING DAY BOZOS.
Thiago Silva is the scariest looking dude not named Wallid Ismael to ever live. He hasn't won a fight in four (4) years so the scariness is slowly slipping away. But like if you were at a bar and you sorta almost cut in front of him to grab the last Stone Brewing Espresso Russian Imperial Stout on cask you might just run the fuck away and leave your girlfriend to fend for herself. I wouldn't run though cause I'm a bad dude also and would protect my girlfriend even if it meant getting a concussion and possibly banned from the bar, but ya know, whatever. Man stuff. Rafael Feijao is also a man, a man that knocks out fuckos with his man hands n shit. He ain't scared. He don't get turnt up. Well actually he probably does, but no ones going to stop him. So all that leaves us with is, who the shit is scary enough to win tomorrow night ? I gotta go with Feijao on this one. Yeah he doesn't pass his drug tests but this is 2013 bro, shit happens. Drugs happen. Whatever. That's what happens when you get turnt up sometimes. Who cares. Feijao by Lekobuster because why not.
Daniel Sarafian is one scary looking beef castle. He's 5'9" and built like a brick shithouse. Eddie Mendez looks like the wimpiest carrot that ever came from Brazil. Using a highly structured method of picking fights I've reached the conclusion that Brick Shithouse beats Wimpy Carrot 100% of the time. War Brazilian Brick Shithouse.
Jason High loves The Wire. Erick Silva is really handsome. Damnit. Who do I pick ? This is too difficult right now. But logic dictates that Erick Silva is such a handsome savage and he usually destroys wrestlers anyways with his handsomeness that Jason High doesn't stand a chance. Sorry dude, but Omar comin' yo. Erick Silva by Lekobuster because this is Brazil. You don't make the rules.
The other 8 fights suck so bad that I'm just going to stream of consciousness it up. Prepare your buttholes people:
Didn't Leo Santos get kicked in the balls really badly in Japan a couple years ago ? That's my only vague memory of him. The guy he's fighting looks like an even more obnoxious Kevin Randleman. War Leo Santos' balls. Rony Jason looks like a super asshole but Mike Wilkinson's face is begging to be smashed in with elbows. War Super Asshole. Raphael Assuncao shouldn't be on the prelims fighting an unranked fighter. Total bullshit. Assuncao by whatever he wants, when he wants, because he's FUCKING Raphael Assncow. Rodrigo Damm looks like Bishop from Aliens. He's fighting a Japanese guy. War Japan. Two guys with names I can't even type are fighting, so they don't count as humans. Caio Magalhaes is a creepy looking guy and Karlos Vemola has a crooked eye. War Crooked Eye ? Anthony Smith's face pisses me way off. Antonio Braga Neto is supposed to be good so I guess I'll pick him. Whatever. I just can't wait to go to the bar tomorrow night. PEACE.
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