My Picks For UFC: Machida vs Munoz aka Sushi vs Lumpia

Well this is a first. Writing these picks in the waiting room at the car dealership. On my phone of course. No beer, no tunes, no nothin'. Shit. Let's see what happens. 

Onward To Golgotha

Handsome Machida finally made it down to middleweight. Did y'all see how good he looked at the weigh ins ? Wowowow. Munoz looked bricked up as usual though. Won't make a difference because Machida is going to blast that lumpia rollers dumb Pinoy face off. Ok that sounded a bit racist, well maybe. You ain't stopping me from saying what I want. Until you've almost died in a Seafood City parking lot you have no right to criticize my disdain for Pinoy drivers. If Mark Munoz drives as badly as he attempts takedowns then you're all in danger of being in a head on collision while shopping for sisig and adobo. Wow I really went off track there. Hold up, I can tie this all together: Japanense fighters are better than Pinoy fighters. Shots fired. Machida is going to stuff all of Munoz's sloppy takedowns and overhand rights, counter with step-in knees to the body and finish with a Superjap punch to the brain. Japan by KO 1st round bakas. 

I've been sitting here 10 minutes and I already need a beer. 

So I was going to write some pretty awesome stuff about the Melvin Guillard/Ross Pearson fight but then I read about Tito injuring his neck for the millionth time and now the Bellator PPV is a total clusterfuck and that's all I care about now. Holy shit. The main event for your first PPV gets injured a week before ? Oh man. It was already a dumb fight to begin with and an even dumber idea to go to PPV but this is just amazing. And now it gets put on free tv. Holy hell. The Universe hates Bellator and Tito. Anyways, Melvin by KO because Nicole Miller of all people blasted Ross Pearson and Melvin is a lot more blacker than Nicole Miller.

Oh no. Oh no. Ryan Jimmo is on the main card against an exciting striker. No. Why would you do that Joe Silva ? Do you hate fun ? Or do you really think Manuwa can KO Jimmo before he turns it into the most boring fight ever ? Ugh. Praying that Manuwa can molest Jimmo as badly as he molested Kyle Kingsbury. I know this is a place for outrageous picks but Jimmo just takes the fun out of anything. Jimmo by super boring decision. Ugh that felt terrible to type. Thanks Canada.

Norman Parke is a proud Chamorro (aka he's Guamanian) so I have to cheer for him because I was in love with a Guamanian girl before and I always keep it fucking real. He's fighting a guy with an absolutely terrible haircut too. So theres that. Chamorro by kelaguen flavored fisting.

Preliminary stream of consciousness:

Alessio Sakara is still in the UFC. Wow. The guy he's fighting looks pretty crappy though. No on wins. Phil "Paul" Harris is fighting a guy that missed weight 3 times (three !!!) already, and he's a goddamn flyweight. Get the fuck out. Never cheer for a cheater. War Philhares. Al Iaquinta beat Ryan Couture so I'll cheer for him forever. Andrew Craig looks like Urijah Faber. That's enough. Rosi Sexton probably makes some badass green curry. I love green curry. Fuck Nicole Miller in the face until the end of time. Andy Ogle sucks but not as badly as Nicole Miller. Jim Hettes is a good guy. I'd hang out with him for sure. The guy he's fighting looks like a royal dick though. War good guy. Michael Kuipers last name pisses me off. Bradley Scott must be boring as fuck to talk to. Everyone loses.

I need a beer.

My Picks For UFC 166: Brown Pride vs Double Santos DA TRILOGY

Oh hey what's up dudes. How you doin ? Man, I'm just watching Bellator, enjoying this beer, and figuring out what to get for dinner. Maybe sushi, or curry, or a burrito, or a hamburger, or pizza, or more beer, who knows. Ya know ? You never know what I'm going to eat. Anyways, I need to hurry up and bang these picks out.

Onward To Golgotha

This is hard to say but I'm missing the entire card tomorrow night. GASP. Yep, but theres an epic beer event and I'm not missing it for the world. Well if Mark Hunt was fighting for the belt I'd skip it but that's not happening so yeah. Of course I'll be checking Twitter for updates so I won't be totally left out.

Hahahah you guys really think I'm picking Dos Santos this time ? Fuck no. Fuck him. Anyone that wheel kick KO's Mark Hunt is a giant piece of shit and deserves to lose every fight forever. "But Anthony, isn't that being a tad irrational ?" fucking maybe. Think I give a shit though ? Nope. Just because of that I'm picking Cain out of spite, even though I secretly want Two Santos to win...whatever. My hypocrisy knows no bounds. War Doc Holliday. Ok enough farting around. Hows it going down ? Well Cain is going to be fueled by some barrel aged bean and cheese burritos, he's going to headkick Arianny in the head with a kick to the head, then sing the Mexico national anthem with Vicente Fernandez (the beaner with the grey hair and big sombrero, AKA all mexicans), and steamroll Dos Santos with that signature mexican work ethic. TKO 2nd round ? 3rd round ? 4th round ? Maybe a one punch KO. Who knows. I won't, cause I'm gonna be drinking tasty beers and making obnoxious jokes. BOOM. Cain by Bean Power.

Roy Nelson is fat and keeps talking about losing weight but he never does, just like me. Cormier actually lost some weight and is looking a lot better, he might actually finish Roy Nelson. Do I care ? Not really. Say he wins and then fights Jones, are you REALLY going to pick him to beat Jones ? Get outta here guy. Black Fedor should stick to KO'ing fat fucks at heavyweight but that's his decision and I'm too busy dreaming of surf n turf burritos to give a crap. Fedor Emelianegro by TKO 1st round.

Gilbert Melendez is going to fucking destroy Diego Sanchez. Maybe in the 1st minute, maybe in 15 minutes. I don't know but it will be fucking violent and I'm actually bummed I'll be missing this fight. Dudes, have you SEEN how beautiful Gilbert Melendez's family is ? I am so envious of all the incredible genetics in that family. I want that. Gilbert by death.

Gabriel Gonzaga's mustache is absolutely incredible and will bring him to victory when he flying gogoplatas Shawn "Bland White Guy" Jordan. Yeah, I have no interest in this fight clearly.

John Dodson is absolutely insufferable but he sure is fun as hell to watch when he's on his game. Darrel Montague fought in TPF (Taco Palace Fights) and I'll always hold a place in my heart for their terrible choppy streams on Sherdog but he's getting smoked in this match. Poor kid. Dodson by whatever I'm not watching this fight.

Ohh yesss preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Borscht is going to Redneck Judo the shit off of CB Doucheways douchebag face so hard the entire arena will get douchechills. Oh yes. Hector Lombard looked like dogshit at 170 and will still somehow win a boring fight against Nate "Original Doucheface" Marquardt. Whatever. Jessica Eye has a name that attracts me but I haven't looked at the weigh-in pics to confirm being attracted to her. Sarah Kaufman bores me to death. War potentially attractive Jessica Eye. George Badapopolous has looked terrible for a few years now and I can't believe he's signed to the UFC. Too bad this'll be his last fight because KJ Noons is going to knock his old New Zealand face off his old New Zealand head. Adlan Amagov looks like the crazy Euro dude you want in your posse to fuck shit up when shit goes down at the pub. TJ Whataburger does not. War Crazy Euro Posse Dude. Tony Ferguson is going to fuck up the guy he's fighting, whatever his name is. Andre Phyllo Dough missed weight. Loser. Jeremy Larsen didn't, whoever the fuck he is. Never heard of Kyoji Horiguchi but he's Japanese so he's going to win because duh.

That's enough. Time for dinner with good people. Peace bitches.