My Picks For UFC Fight Night: The Hunt For Bigfoot

It's Thursday night and I'm getting fully turnt up on beers, chips and guacamole, and plenty of riffs. In less then 24 hours I get to watch my favorite fighter of all time, and then chase it with more beers with rad bros. This weekend will be getting off to a proper start. Hope all you savages enjoi it too.

Onward To Golgotha

The last time I wrote about Mark Hunt I was fully ready to dye my beard blonde and go Super Samoan mode. I was on top of the world and then around 8pm all that fell apart as The Oceania Super Fighter crumbled from the most unpredictable Lekobuster that ever happened. I didn't even have a reaction. I just sat there. Numb. "...what ? Did that really happen ? Really ? Huh..." and then I went on the rest of my night, shambling around depressed. Not even the Island girl I met up with later that night helped. That moment just killed my enthusiasm. But it's starting to come back knowing that tomorrow night he'll be crushing Bigfoot with another left hook/right uppercut walk-off KO and I'll be flipping couches and getting Samoan tattoos on my forehead. Motherfuckers. 

Oh Shogun. What happened brudda ? Was it too many H-Bombs to your handsome face ? Chael Sonnen of all people subbing you in like 3 seconds ? Not dropping to 185 ? When did it go wrong man ? You can tell us. We won't judge you. But now you're fighting James The Tuna. Who the FUCK is that guy ? Has he ever been on the main card of a PPV ? I'm too lazy to check his Wiki but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Why are you fighting low level guys in Australia now ? What the hell man. You're supposed to be fighting Machida for a 4th time at 185 in Brazil or something. Not this, man. Not this. I pray your chin still holds up and your cardio doesn't fail you after flopping on one takedown attempt. Please kill this kid. Please kill this kid by boring decision if you have to. What the fuck. I can't put up with this heartbreak anymore. Shogun by fucking muay thai clinch molestation knees to your fucking face death KO fucking murdering people n shit time to die RIP RIP RIP.

The Hippo by KO. Fuck the dogdick Ryan Bader piece of shit jabroni. He worse than the Miley Cyrus raisindick.

Pat Barry got KO'd by Shawn Jordan. Who is Shawn Jordan you ask ? Some fat white guy with a bad tattoo. Now he's fighting a fat Islander with rad tattoos. Pat Barry is getting like quadruple KO'd this time n shit. Poor kid. Soa Paleleleleleleieielielielieeee by Atomic Buttdrop.

Dylan Andrews appears to be Samoan or Tongan or Maori or something and Clint Hester is currently crying because Nelson Mandela died so Dylan by ROCK BOTTOM ! ROCK BOTTOM !

Hahaha Nam Phan thinks he's going to get away with his bullshit at 135 ? Think again kiddo. Teriyaki Mizugaki is a son of a bitch and he doesn't care what you're good at, he's beating you wherever he wants. You're good at liking Jamie Chung ? He'll propose to her on Instagram and get a million engagement rings wrapped in salmon nigiri. You're good at losing to Leonard Garcia ? Bro, he'll fuckin' lose 1,000,000 times just to beat him 1,000,001 times out of spite. Fuck your life Nam Phan. Get a new fucking haircut bro. Teriyaki Mizugaki by some move from Street Fighter that I'm too lazy to look up.

Preliminary stream of consciousness: 

Did you guys see Bitch Correia try to intimidate Julie Kedzie at the weigh-ins ? My god the douchechills. Julie Kedzie still looks like The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels so she'll be winning by Sweet Chin Music TKO 1st round fuckos. Caio Mglahash looks like the shittiest goblin ever and Nick Ring just plain sucks. No one wins. Justin Scoggins looks like he's a proud Irishman that only drinks Bushmills like a poser. The guy he's fighting looks equally as douchey though so no one wins again. Seriously, the rest of the fights I have no clue who these guys are so I'm going to get back to drinking. Cheers you fucks.