24 hours away from the most important moment in my life. I'm sure
having a baby would be more important, or like, getting my order right
from Roberto's, but as of right now this is easily the most important
event to happen in my lifetime. I should probably be drunk for these
picks. Anyways...
Onward To Golgotha
Last
year when Hunto was walking out to fight Dos Santos was easily the most
anxious I've ever been in my life. Coupled with the fact that Ken Mode
was in town (awesome) and I was planning to propose to a Guamanian (big
mistake) right after the fights made it even more stressful. Then the
fight starts. And then Hunt broke his toe. And then Two Santa's dropped
him with a giant overhand right. Oh. Why is Hunto falling down ? Oh. Dos
Santos killed him with a fucking Lekobuster. Welp, my heart kinda
disintegrated after that. And my dreams of watching The Oceania Super
Fighter get a title shot disappeared. Forever.
Fast
forward to October 2014 while I'm grilling outside and I check twitter
and find out that Cain is injured. And now Hunt is fighting. For the
belt. In Mexico. In three weeks. Fuck. I started jumping up and down,
tore my ACL and MCL in the process, but I didn't care. And still don't
care. My hero is fighting for the belt. Holy FUCK my hero is fighting
for the belt. Annnnnnd he's fighting Werdum. Probably the worst
stylistic match up possible. Shit. Werdum is tall, uses his long legs to
keep his range, doesn't give a shit about your strategy, and if he
takes it to the ground it's over immediately. Yeah, Hunt survived from a
gassed Stefan Strudel but he couldn't choke out a dead quadriplegic in
the Bermuda Triangle. Ok, Hunt survived Bigfoot being on top of him.
Sure, Roy Nelson had Hunt's back for like...a second. Werdum could
armbar all 3 of those dweebs at once. Fuck. Well, the one thing Hunt
does it knock motherfuckers out. Left hook, short uppercuts, Atomic
Buttdrops, he'll find a way to knock you out. And if he does, if Mark
FUCKING Hunt knocks out Werdum and wins the belt...wow. I don't know how
I'll react. Pretty sure I'll flip over every table that ever existed,
punch the closest Guamanian around, bench my weight in spam musubi,
bleach my beard, just...fuck. This fight is everything to me.
MAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO by walk off KO and then retirement.
Oh,
there's other fights this weekend ? Don't care. Oh there's rad fights
AFTER this weekend ? Don't care. THIS is the only one that matters. You
better believe I'm going to be a wreck in the Discussion Zone tomorrow
night. I hope you mutherfukers are there with me.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
My Picks For UFC Fight Night: Matt Brown vs Not That Handsome Erick Silva
Yup, once again I'm doing my
picks way in advance because theres no way I'm spending a friday night
writing about this wreck of a card. Strap on an exit bag.
Onward To Golgotha
After
taking a nice powernap after smashing a Greek buffet one afternoon, I
was pleasantly surprised to read that Matt Brown was fighting Erick
Silva. Sometimes Joe Silva comes out of nowhere with a match up that
serves up a nice serving of creamed jeans. Oh yes, my jeans are
definitey creamed for this fight. After hating Matt Brown for the
majority of his career I finally started cheering for him when he was a
huge underdog and ended up molesting Jordan Mein and knocking out Mike
Pyle in 4 seconds. The hypewagon was at an all time high when he was
scheduled to fight and KO Carlos Condit but it wasn't meant to be. Well
the sexwagon is back on track and oh man my jeans are ready to be
creamed if he fucks Erick Silva and makes him humble. My appreciation
for Erick's handsomeness dwindled after he heel kicked that poor
Japanese migrant worker in Brazil and acted like he just won the K-1
Grand Prix 2000 against Ernesto Hoost. Get over yourself and get a new
haircut bruh. Matt Brown doesn't give a shit about your tribal tats,
he's had shittier tattoos for way longer. The Immortal by Midwest
Ultraviolence.
Why
does Lorenz Larkin keep getting co-main spots ? He looks worse and
worse every fight and his lack of wrestling against huge dudes makes it
that much more impossible to land some sweet hurricane kicks. His
haircuts usually rule though. And Costa Philipoo hasn't done fuck all
since barely beating Tim Borscht. He might as well retire at this point.
Who looks crappier ? I'm picking Lorenz by decision if he keeps out of
Philipoos phonebooth but who cares cause it'll end up being 15 minutes
of cage humping. Next.
Daron
Cruickshank is way too proud of Detroit and Erik Koch represents
Wisconsin like he started Bon Iver. Pathetic. At least both these
milquetoast looking gringos love to stand n wang all over the place. The
potential for creamed jeans is high in this one. Going with Koch
forever though because Cruickshank shoulda lost against Thugjitsu. And
fuck Detroit. Kockhead walking out to Skinny Love n shit.
Who the fuck is Bill Macario and who is Neil Magnum ? I don't know. Next.
Does
Cleveland have a high population of islanders ? Doubt it. So why is Soa
Palelei on the main card against some newcomer ? Only Mark Hunt is the
real islander bubba. Soa by being fat anyways.
Chris Cariaso is on the main card over Eddie Wineland ? Fuck off forever.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Rafael
Natal pisses me off and so does Ed Herman. I'm pissed. Kyoji Horiguchi
gonna win because Japan. Yan Cabral sounds like a zucchini dish at an
Iranian restaurant. Next. Eddie Wineland by KO fuck off. Nik Lentz
because fuck off Armenia. Justin Salad needs a new last name. Next.
Albert Tumenov is probably Dagestani. War Goldeneye.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
My Picks For UFC 171: Hendricks' Beard vs Strikeforce Never Die
Wow where to begin. First off, I'm riding a nice buzz thanks to
Alpine Beer Company and Southern Tier Brewing. Secondly, wow, so much
missed weight. Hendricks missing weight. Dude. What. You don't deserve
to have that beard anymore. You're giving us bearded guys a bad name.
Pathetic. Enough. Third, I'm ready for a burrito and another beer.
Onward To Golgotha
ROBBIE LAWLER IS FIGHTING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. DUDE. WHAT. In 2014 Robbie Lawler is fighting for the UFC belt. Holy shit. And Johny Hendricks misses weight ? Yes, I know he made weight 2 hours later but still. And GSP is retired ? Craziest year ever and we're only in March. Poor Hendricks though, he'll never live his dream of being a champion since Ruthless is going to flying knee his beard off. Or he's going to use his superior boxing technique and still knock off his beard. What ? You're surprised I'm not picking Hendricks ? Deal with it. That's what happens when someone with a beard misses weight. It's insulting to us. You think I've ever missed the 265 pound limit ? Hell no. A steady diet of burritos and pizza and beer keeps me in check. Even better, Nick Diaz is anti-Hendricks too. Don't be scared homie. Lawler by flying knee KO 3rd round.
Tyrone Woodley calling Condit a point fighter...what the fuck. The same guy that had some brutally boring decisions in Strikeforce ? The same guy that lost to Jake Shields when he was supposed to knock him out ? Get out of my life. Saying that the Natural Born Killer of all people is a point fighter ? Umm. No. Not even close son. I ALMOST want Condit to win by boring decision just to spite him but that wouldn't be too fun. What would be awesome is if Condit double flying knee KO's Tyrone in the 1st round. What would be TRIPLE awesome is if Condit and Lawler fight eachother and the only thing they use is flying knees. Oh my god.
Diego Sanchez wearing a Bane mask and doing yoga at the open workouts was amazing but I just can't cheer for someone that misses an impossible amount of punches while shadowboxing in church high on Stevia. But is Miles "Davis" Jury the one that's going to stop Diego's schizophrenic air-punching ? I don't know. Last time I saw him fight was against uhh...Mike Ricci ? Hold on, let me check Wikipedia. Ok yeah, his last win was a split against Mike Ricci. Before that he knocked out somebody and out-grappled Michael "Jordan" Johnson. Does not inspire confidence. Of course Diego lost to Gomi, Kampmann, Melendez, and Ellenberger in his last 4 fights so uhh...yeah I don't know. Myles Davis by decision makes sense cause I doubt he KO's Diego. Ugh this pick is terrible. DIEGO SANCHEZ BY MEXICAN DESTROYING UPPERCUT OF DEATH FUCK LOGIC WAR CHINGASOS.
Fuck Jake Shields. Hector "Oompa Loompa" Lombard better not mess this up by letting Shields bap bap bap his way to a boring 15 minute decision. That'd be the worst. It doesn't matter though, it seems like every time Jake Shields is supposed to lose, he ends up pillow-punching his way to a win. Every time. How does he do it ? How does he bap bap bap his opponents into total hesitation ? I've been punched harder by ghost Pokemon. One time a bird crapped on me harder than a Jake Shields punch. My bowel movements have hit the toilet bowl harder than a Jake Shields punch. Poop poop poop. Lombard by Cuban Missile Crisis.
OSP is fighting the Russian Al "Stephen Graham" Capone. You really expect me to pick against Boardwalk Empire ? Not happening. La Femme Nikita Krylov gonna stomp this momo.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Kelvin Gastelum took 3 dumps to make weight. That's a true champion in my eyes. War Kelvin "Goofiest First Name For A Mexican Ever" Gastelum. Raquel Pennington looks like a Suicide Girl hopeful that really never stood a chance, ever. That's all I have to say about this fight. Dennis "The Menace AKA Worst Nickname Ever" Bermudez Triangle SHOULD be finishing fights with his aggression alone but he's kinda like a smaller Diego Sanchez. Jim Hettes on the other hand has a last name that rhymes with lettuce. So you guys already know where I'm going with this one. Nope ? Yeah, neither do I. Dennis Bermudez Triangle by his signature finishing move the Bermuda Triangle Triangle. Will "My Boner For Sergio Pettis Is Incredible" Crapuzingano vs Justin Scoggins is gonna be badass except I'll totally forget to watch it because I don't have Fart Pass and I'll be busy like...not watching the prelims. Gotta go with Scoggins though. I don't know how. But hopefully it's rad. Or not. Who cares. It's on Fart Pass. That's like the Bermuda Triangle of watching fights. The rest of the fights are useless. I'm out.
Onward To Golgotha
ROBBIE LAWLER IS FIGHTING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. DUDE. WHAT. In 2014 Robbie Lawler is fighting for the UFC belt. Holy shit. And Johny Hendricks misses weight ? Yes, I know he made weight 2 hours later but still. And GSP is retired ? Craziest year ever and we're only in March. Poor Hendricks though, he'll never live his dream of being a champion since Ruthless is going to flying knee his beard off. Or he's going to use his superior boxing technique and still knock off his beard. What ? You're surprised I'm not picking Hendricks ? Deal with it. That's what happens when someone with a beard misses weight. It's insulting to us. You think I've ever missed the 265 pound limit ? Hell no. A steady diet of burritos and pizza and beer keeps me in check. Even better, Nick Diaz is anti-Hendricks too. Don't be scared homie. Lawler by flying knee KO 3rd round.
Tyrone Woodley calling Condit a point fighter...what the fuck. The same guy that had some brutally boring decisions in Strikeforce ? The same guy that lost to Jake Shields when he was supposed to knock him out ? Get out of my life. Saying that the Natural Born Killer of all people is a point fighter ? Umm. No. Not even close son. I ALMOST want Condit to win by boring decision just to spite him but that wouldn't be too fun. What would be awesome is if Condit double flying knee KO's Tyrone in the 1st round. What would be TRIPLE awesome is if Condit and Lawler fight eachother and the only thing they use is flying knees. Oh my god.
Diego Sanchez wearing a Bane mask and doing yoga at the open workouts was amazing but I just can't cheer for someone that misses an impossible amount of punches while shadowboxing in church high on Stevia. But is Miles "Davis" Jury the one that's going to stop Diego's schizophrenic air-punching ? I don't know. Last time I saw him fight was against uhh...Mike Ricci ? Hold on, let me check Wikipedia. Ok yeah, his last win was a split against Mike Ricci. Before that he knocked out somebody and out-grappled Michael "Jordan" Johnson. Does not inspire confidence. Of course Diego lost to Gomi, Kampmann, Melendez, and Ellenberger in his last 4 fights so uhh...yeah I don't know. Myles Davis by decision makes sense cause I doubt he KO's Diego. Ugh this pick is terrible. DIEGO SANCHEZ BY MEXICAN DESTROYING UPPERCUT OF DEATH FUCK LOGIC WAR CHINGASOS.
Fuck Jake Shields. Hector "Oompa Loompa" Lombard better not mess this up by letting Shields bap bap bap his way to a boring 15 minute decision. That'd be the worst. It doesn't matter though, it seems like every time Jake Shields is supposed to lose, he ends up pillow-punching his way to a win. Every time. How does he do it ? How does he bap bap bap his opponents into total hesitation ? I've been punched harder by ghost Pokemon. One time a bird crapped on me harder than a Jake Shields punch. My bowel movements have hit the toilet bowl harder than a Jake Shields punch. Poop poop poop. Lombard by Cuban Missile Crisis.
OSP is fighting the Russian Al "Stephen Graham" Capone. You really expect me to pick against Boardwalk Empire ? Not happening. La Femme Nikita Krylov gonna stomp this momo.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Kelvin Gastelum took 3 dumps to make weight. That's a true champion in my eyes. War Kelvin "Goofiest First Name For A Mexican Ever" Gastelum. Raquel Pennington looks like a Suicide Girl hopeful that really never stood a chance, ever. That's all I have to say about this fight. Dennis "The Menace AKA Worst Nickname Ever" Bermudez Triangle SHOULD be finishing fights with his aggression alone but he's kinda like a smaller Diego Sanchez. Jim Hettes on the other hand has a last name that rhymes with lettuce. So you guys already know where I'm going with this one. Nope ? Yeah, neither do I. Dennis Bermudez Triangle by his signature finishing move the Bermuda Triangle Triangle. Will "My Boner For Sergio Pettis Is Incredible" Crapuzingano vs Justin Scoggins is gonna be badass except I'll totally forget to watch it because I don't have Fart Pass and I'll be busy like...not watching the prelims. Gotta go with Scoggins though. I don't know how. But hopefully it's rad. Or not. Who cares. It's on Fart Pass. That's like the Bermuda Triangle of watching fights. The rest of the fights are useless. I'm out.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
My Picks For UFC 169: Barao vs Faber II
The best time of the year is
here. Fights and beer on Saturday, fights and football and food and more beer on
Sunday. Oh yes. You ready to die ? Let's get down.
Onward To Golgotha
Holy shit did Faber look like a savage in 2013. The mauling he put on Mayday still has me erect. Did the broken rib really hinder him in the first Barao fight ? Uhhh...yeah probably dude. Shit. If I had a broken rib I probably couldn't even eat rolled tacos. But he lasted 25 minutes against another savage. I'm hoping everything comes together for Faber and he can pull off the mammoth update by choking the crooked toothed gremlin Barao. Holy shit we're less then 24 hours from the fight. Oh yes. Faber by cornrows.
Lamas has no chance but he has a nice haircut. That won't save him against Aldoraptor though. Did you see him at the weigh ins ? Fuckin'...looked like a mini Brazilian Overeem n shit. That plays soccer. And has good cardio. So in otherwords, NOT a Brazilian Overeem. Whatever. I'm buzzed and craving rolled tacos because someone mentioned em. I think it was me. Anyways, Aldoraptor by headkick 1st round.
Oh speaking of Overeem, he's getting the most favorable match up possible. Who has a terrible chin ? Frank Mir. Who sucks at using steroids ? Frank Mir. Who has a terrible haircut ? Frank Mir. Actually you could include Overeem in all those questions too though...fuck. Frank Mir IS Overeem ? Overeem IS Frank Mir ? Mind = blown. FRANK MIR DEFEATS FRANK MIR...I MEAN OVEREEM DEFEATS OVEREEM BY....FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHO KNOWS EVERYONE IS EVERYONE WE ALL LOSE SHIT.
John Lineker almost missed weight for like the 5th time ? Thiago Alves and Rumbleweight Johnson are just SMH. In case you didn't know, SMH stands for "so many haters", I mean "shake my head", I mean "suck my horchata". Or something of that nature. All I know is, Lineker sucks at dieting worse than me. And that's pretty bad, cause I don't diet ever. I just drink beer a lot. Do Dagestani's drink beer ? Or vodka ? Probably borscht. Just lots of borscht. I guess that's enough to beat a fat Brazilian. Alia Balrogitonov by borscht.
Jamie Fucking Varner is back on PPV bitches. The pride of Arizona even though Arizona is the worst state ever. He's fighting a dude with the worst Suicide Girl-esque tattoos ever and I think he was even arrested for domestic violence. I hope this prick dies a million times. Can't wait for this fight. Yes, I am genuinely excited for a Varner fight. The Worm by not being a woman beater.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
John "Lazy Eye" Makdessi fighting slow grapplers he can outstrike ? Sign me up all day. Dudes so fun to watch and tomorrow he's going to TKD the shit out of Alan Patrick. Cariaso vs Martinez aka beaner vs beaner aka I really want some rolled tacos. Nick Catone is still in the UFC ? Jesus. Kong Watson by better nickname. Al Iaquinta has a dumb looking last name. Kevin Lee is not related to Bruce Lee so he should change his name immediately. Jeez, so many terrible names on this card. Vanessa Hanson is amazing. And her name is just as amazing. Clint Hester had that sick standing elbow KO. Fuck yeah. Cheering for him forever. "Rashad Evans Magomofedoromevevomomov" by having a sweet ass name. Neil Magny has a rad name though. Gaston Umlautpierogifedormagomedov has a radder name though.
GET MASSIVE PEOPLE. IT'S SUPERBOWL WEEKEND.
Onward To Golgotha
Holy shit did Faber look like a savage in 2013. The mauling he put on Mayday still has me erect. Did the broken rib really hinder him in the first Barao fight ? Uhhh...yeah probably dude. Shit. If I had a broken rib I probably couldn't even eat rolled tacos. But he lasted 25 minutes against another savage. I'm hoping everything comes together for Faber and he can pull off the mammoth update by choking the crooked toothed gremlin Barao. Holy shit we're less then 24 hours from the fight. Oh yes. Faber by cornrows.
Lamas has no chance but he has a nice haircut. That won't save him against Aldoraptor though. Did you see him at the weigh ins ? Fuckin'...looked like a mini Brazilian Overeem n shit. That plays soccer. And has good cardio. So in otherwords, NOT a Brazilian Overeem. Whatever. I'm buzzed and craving rolled tacos because someone mentioned em. I think it was me. Anyways, Aldoraptor by headkick 1st round.
Oh speaking of Overeem, he's getting the most favorable match up possible. Who has a terrible chin ? Frank Mir. Who sucks at using steroids ? Frank Mir. Who has a terrible haircut ? Frank Mir. Actually you could include Overeem in all those questions too though...fuck. Frank Mir IS Overeem ? Overeem IS Frank Mir ? Mind = blown. FRANK MIR DEFEATS FRANK MIR...I MEAN OVEREEM DEFEATS OVEREEM BY....FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHO KNOWS EVERYONE IS EVERYONE WE ALL LOSE SHIT.
John Lineker almost missed weight for like the 5th time ? Thiago Alves and Rumbleweight Johnson are just SMH. In case you didn't know, SMH stands for "so many haters", I mean "shake my head", I mean "suck my horchata". Or something of that nature. All I know is, Lineker sucks at dieting worse than me. And that's pretty bad, cause I don't diet ever. I just drink beer a lot. Do Dagestani's drink beer ? Or vodka ? Probably borscht. Just lots of borscht. I guess that's enough to beat a fat Brazilian. Alia Balrogitonov by borscht.
Jamie Fucking Varner is back on PPV bitches. The pride of Arizona even though Arizona is the worst state ever. He's fighting a dude with the worst Suicide Girl-esque tattoos ever and I think he was even arrested for domestic violence. I hope this prick dies a million times. Can't wait for this fight. Yes, I am genuinely excited for a Varner fight. The Worm by not being a woman beater.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
John "Lazy Eye" Makdessi fighting slow grapplers he can outstrike ? Sign me up all day. Dudes so fun to watch and tomorrow he's going to TKD the shit out of Alan Patrick. Cariaso vs Martinez aka beaner vs beaner aka I really want some rolled tacos. Nick Catone is still in the UFC ? Jesus. Kong Watson by better nickname. Al Iaquinta has a dumb looking last name. Kevin Lee is not related to Bruce Lee so he should change his name immediately. Jeez, so many terrible names on this card. Vanessa Hanson is amazing. And her name is just as amazing. Clint Hester had that sick standing elbow KO. Fuck yeah. Cheering for him forever. "Rashad Evans Magomofedoromevevomomov" by having a sweet ass name. Neil Magny has a rad name though. Gaston Umlautpierogifedormagomedov has a radder name though.
GET MASSIVE PEOPLE. IT'S SUPERBOWL WEEKEND.
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