Sup you momos. I'm listening to the latest Joe Rogan podcast with Joey Diaz and getting pumped up to watch some 16 year old Traci Lords Octopus porn (according to Joey Diaz). Having a BBQ for the fights. None of you are invited.
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself*
I'm going to start this off by saying how devestated I was to find out that MAAAHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKK HUNNNNTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOO injured his knee and pulled out of his fight. Even more devestated then when I found out Reemzilla pulled some shit with the NSAC and Frank "I Have The Worst Haircut Ever" Mir was taking his place. I think every fight on the main card has had a change in opponent, right ? Even Jamie Varner was re-signed to take someones spot. Aight. With that out of the way, let's get down to the hate.
Dos Santos by 1st round uppercut KO. Oh, sorry. You guys expected some analysis explaining how Frank Mir has a chance to win just because you bought into all the bullshit he spews before each fight ? He doesn't have the wrestling to take him down. He doesn't have the striking to knock him out (oh fuck you, the Kongo and Big Nog fights don't count for shit). He doesn't have the striking defense to prevent getting destroyed. He has no (fucking) chance to win this fight. I genuinely hate Frank Mir and I will never cheer for him. I hope he gets knocked out forever so then his wife who wears POUNDS of make-up on her dumbface will cry salty tears and die from dehydration. Fuck off Mir.
I hate when I cheer for Bigfoot and then he loses. First to Verdumb and then Black Fedor. Cain has the personality of a wet corn tortilla but he's pretty much the B-grade version of Black Fedor and I don't think Bigfoot will be able to stop it. Ugh, I hate to say it but Brown Pride by 2nd round avocado mashing.
When the fuck did Roy Nelson get a fight on every main card ? Seems like every month he's wasting space on the PPV. He is not exciting to watch, he gasses every time (no matter what Joe Rogan says about his fat guy cardio) and he just blows. If Dave Herman didn't get TKO'd by pinche Stephanie Struve then I'd be cheering for him but not this time. Roy Nelson will FINALLY land that shitty overhand Koscheck right and knockout Herman. It's gonna be sloppy for sure. Big Gut by 1st round KO.
SDR is back and he's fighting the XL sibling of the KEN Mode brothers. (Sorry, only like 2 of you guys will get that reference) This fight is such a bitch to pick because they both bring it and I can't say a bad thing about em. SDR hasn't fought in a long ass time since some momo crashed into him though and he's making his UFC debut against a Croatian. Ughhhh. I don't want to pick but I gotta go with KEN Mode Bro by decision. Listen to KEN Mode you fucking weenies.
WHERE YOU AT MARK HUNT ?!?! DAMNIT. Big Sausage Johnson by 1st round hilariously bad KO. If he doesn't get outgrappled by Stephanie Struve which is totally possible if goddamn PAT BARRY was able to get an Americana on him. Please don't get submitted. I want to see you fight Mark Hunt so badly.
PRELIMS
Darren Elkins is christ-rapingly boring and he got a gift of a win over Michi "OMG" Omigawa. Brandao should steamroll him but it might turn into a boring 15 minutes of hump n pray. I couldn't care less to be honest cause I'll be busy eating carne asada tacos sooooo... Brandao by flying knee/early stoppage TKO ? Sure.
Edson Barboza murderdeathkilled Terry "Schaivo" Etim with a Leko Buster. He's pretty much the baddest dude on the planet not named Badr Hari. Jamie Varner got some respect from me when his balls were destroyed by Camel Sallyroos and I'm kinda happy to see him back in the UFC on short notice. I must be high as giraffe pussy right now. Anyways, Varner SHOULD get blasted in the face a bunch of times but he will probably make this 15 minutes of lay n pray. Shit, I would do the same thing if I was fighting the Brazilian Butter Harry. Easy pick is Barboza by decision/stoppage in the 3rd round but I just have a gut feeling that Varner could win 2 rounds with his kinda crappy wrestling/experience. I don't know mannnnn.
CB Dollaway sucks just enough to do something dumb against Mayhem and get submitted. So that's what I'm going with. Mayhem by 1st round RNC.
DAN FUCKING HARDY IS BACK PEOPLE !! He's only lost 4 fights in a row and is somehow still signed to the UFC. I bet he'll tell us how "I've been working on my ground game nonstop" or some bullshit. Dude, enough. Duane "Gangbang" Ludwig has no ground game either so this will end up being some STAND N BANG for all you rednecks out there. K-1 level this will NOT be. Sorry. Too bad I hate Dan Hardy, The Gangbang by boring decision.
Fuckkk I can't stand Jacob Volkmann. Paul Sass is a crazy loon and I hope he pulls off the upset and triangles Volkmann in the 1st round. Dude is such a douchenozzle. I'd laugh if he got Volkmannized though. Sass by Sassangle.
Kyle Kingsbury is a scumbag. He doesn't deserve to have Natasha Wicks. I don't know about Glover Txxxxxssshierieiriaaaa but apparently he's badass as shit. Glover by something rad hopefully.
Mike Brown's been looking haggard lately. Younger Guy Pineda by youth.
I'm out this bitch. Later momos.
*Big Dicks In Your Ass is Bad For Your Health
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Kimchi vs Jambalaya
Sup dudes. You know it's a good week when you can do your fight picks on a Monday evening. I loved it when the WEC would have fights on Sundays or Wednesdays or some other silly day and I'm glad the UFC is doing that by putting on cards that have Amir Sadollah co-maining.* I also had a chicken bake today and it was awesome.
Onward To Golgotha
The UFC fucked up so badly. It shoulda been the Korean Zombie vs Aldo. No one would give him a chance but it sure as fuck would make more sense than having Eric Cokehead fight him in the main event. Idiots. Sorry for starting off on an angry note but any card that has Amir Sadollah just pisses me off to no end. It's only going to get worse from here on out.
So Dustin Poirier beats a few cans and all of a sudden he's supposed to demolish The Korean Zombie ? Get outta here. Hey, I like the kid and I like that he overdoses on diabetes after fights but he is not the Korean Zombie. He hasn't submitted anyone with a Twister, he hasn't been DQ'd for knocking out a dude with an illegal spinning back fist, he's not Korean. The Zombie is gonna be all over Poiriers buttocks and I'm expecting another shockingly fast KO. I then want Aldo to destroy Koch and then have KZ fight him at the end of the year. PLUS, I just tried kimchi for the first time this year and I'm addicted. The writings on the wall. Kimchi Zombie by Bulgogi Burrito KO in the first 27 seconds.
Apparently Amir Sadollah is the co-main event against some twat that lost to JUSTIN FUCKING EDWARDS in his UFC debut. Are you shitting me Dana ? Go fuck yourself. Amir Sadollah is the shittiest fighter that was ever employed by Zuffa and he also lost in his last fight to The Gangbang Duane Ludwig. What the fuck. Two guys coming off of losses and they're the co-main event ? Fuck you Dana. I hope all 3 of these douchebags die at the same time and then Brittney has to walk in the cage and poledance for 15 minutes. Get outta here with this garbage.
Jeremy Stephens tried to lay n pray against Anthony Pettis and Cerrone got Stockton Slap'd to death by Nate Diaz. Lil Heathen still has shitty striking and theres no way he gets in close enough to land a clean shot on Cerrone. Stephens gets frustrated and tries to take Cerrone down but gets choked out with a guillotine. Lock of the night. Don't be scared, homie.
Who the fuck is Jeff Houghland ? How is Yves Jabroni still signed ? Jabroni by leg kicks I guess. I don't really care. I'll probably miss most of the main card anyways.
YES. Fabio Maldonado is BACK. I love that dude and I'm still pissed at how badly he got screwed against Kyle Kingsbury. Igor Cracker Jack has sucked for a long time and he's getting liver punched to the death. This could be Fight Of The Night since it'll be stand n wang the whole time. Moldy Nalgas by TKO 2nd round.
Tom Lawlor honored Genki Sudo with his weigh-in today and goddamn was it awesome. J-Mac is a very handsome ginger but I'm thinking that Lawlor will be too awesome for him and end up choking him out. Lawlor is kind of a dummy though so he'll either gas or get caught in something. Whatever. He still dressed up as Genki Sudo. Lawlor by Flawless Victory.
I'm gonna run through these prelims because who wants to watch fights at 2pm on a Tuesday ?
I hate Cody Mckenzie so the other guy by flying upside down Yoga Flame/Yoga Fire.
Brad Tavares is hawaiian.
I hate TJ Grant and Carlo Prater.
dos Anjos always finds a way to blow a fight he was winning, Shalorus just sucks. The world loses.
Curran shoulda got the win against Jorgensen. Curran by retribution.
Two beaners, two losers.
I'm out. I have some Cheez-Its to eat.
Onward To Golgotha
The UFC fucked up so badly. It shoulda been the Korean Zombie vs Aldo. No one would give him a chance but it sure as fuck would make more sense than having Eric Cokehead fight him in the main event. Idiots. Sorry for starting off on an angry note but any card that has Amir Sadollah just pisses me off to no end. It's only going to get worse from here on out.
So Dustin Poirier beats a few cans and all of a sudden he's supposed to demolish The Korean Zombie ? Get outta here. Hey, I like the kid and I like that he overdoses on diabetes after fights but he is not the Korean Zombie. He hasn't submitted anyone with a Twister, he hasn't been DQ'd for knocking out a dude with an illegal spinning back fist, he's not Korean. The Zombie is gonna be all over Poiriers buttocks and I'm expecting another shockingly fast KO. I then want Aldo to destroy Koch and then have KZ fight him at the end of the year. PLUS, I just tried kimchi for the first time this year and I'm addicted. The writings on the wall. Kimchi Zombie by Bulgogi Burrito KO in the first 27 seconds.
Apparently Amir Sadollah is the co-main event against some twat that lost to JUSTIN FUCKING EDWARDS in his UFC debut. Are you shitting me Dana ? Go fuck yourself. Amir Sadollah is the shittiest fighter that was ever employed by Zuffa and he also lost in his last fight to The Gangbang Duane Ludwig. What the fuck. Two guys coming off of losses and they're the co-main event ? Fuck you Dana. I hope all 3 of these douchebags die at the same time and then Brittney has to walk in the cage and poledance for 15 minutes. Get outta here with this garbage.
Jeremy Stephens tried to lay n pray against Anthony Pettis and Cerrone got Stockton Slap'd to death by Nate Diaz. Lil Heathen still has shitty striking and theres no way he gets in close enough to land a clean shot on Cerrone. Stephens gets frustrated and tries to take Cerrone down but gets choked out with a guillotine. Lock of the night. Don't be scared, homie.
Who the fuck is Jeff Houghland ? How is Yves Jabroni still signed ? Jabroni by leg kicks I guess. I don't really care. I'll probably miss most of the main card anyways.
YES. Fabio Maldonado is BACK. I love that dude and I'm still pissed at how badly he got screwed against Kyle Kingsbury. Igor Cracker Jack has sucked for a long time and he's getting liver punched to the death. This could be Fight Of The Night since it'll be stand n wang the whole time. Moldy Nalgas by TKO 2nd round.
Tom Lawlor honored Genki Sudo with his weigh-in today and goddamn was it awesome. J-Mac is a very handsome ginger but I'm thinking that Lawlor will be too awesome for him and end up choking him out. Lawlor is kind of a dummy though so he'll either gas or get caught in something. Whatever. He still dressed up as Genki Sudo. Lawlor by Flawless Victory.
I'm gonna run through these prelims because who wants to watch fights at 2pm on a Tuesday ?
I hate Cody Mckenzie so the other guy by flying upside down Yoga Flame/Yoga Fire.
Brad Tavares is hawaiian.
I hate TJ Grant and Carlo Prater.
dos Anjos always finds a way to blow a fight he was winning, Shalorus just sucks. The world loses.
Curran shoulda got the win against Jorgensen. Curran by retribution.
Two beaners, two losers.
I'm out. I have some Cheez-Its to eat.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
My Picks For UFC On Fox: Susquehanna Diaz vs Jimmy Pastrami
What's up you fuckin' momos. I'm channeling my inner Joey Karate today so shave your balls because no one else is going to do it. I was on hiatus in Arizona drinking crazy water with Pocahontas and shit but I'm back and ready for some fights. Check yourself before you wreck yourself fuckos. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health.
Stay Black.
You know I love this main event you mooks. My boys from Stockton, the crazy Diaz brothers (I think we're cousins or some shit on my moms side of the family) and those neanderthal Jersey boys the Miller brothers. Both of these guys are tough as fuckin' nails man, let me tell you. Nate and Nick don't give a fuck, they represent that Gracie Jiu Jitsu and they'll go to da death for 'em. You see them walking around Stockton and they just start jackin' fools up. Those guys are animals. But then you got the Miller brothers and I've seen them deadlift a White Castle in Jersey and eat all the fuckin' sliders. Afterwards we all went to Badabing and hung out with Big Pussy Bonpensiero and killed some strippers but that's for another time. So Diaz has the boxing and the jiu jitsu but Miller has the wrestling and he will grind you out. In the end I gotta go with my man Nate Diaz by 4th round rubber guard-crackhead control-omoplata-whatever the fuck. We're all smokin' some of that Jersey dirt weed in the back with Arianny and Brittney afterwards and eatin' their monkeys. Go fuck yourself.
In the co-main event you've got that goofy afro monkey lookin' bastard Joey Clownshoes and the bearded bozo that knocked out Jon Fitch. The fucks his name ? Jimi Hendrix or someshit. Whatever. I've been a Koscheck fan for a long time when he knocked out that little jap and climbed the cage like an orangutan but he hasn't looked the same since GSP skullfucked his eye. One time I was with this girl in Arizona and we were goin' at it and then she elbows me right in the fuckin' eye. Dawg, I couldn't see what hole I was in but I just kept goin'. Kos pussied out and he hasn't been the same since. Jimi Hendrix has been knockin' fools out like they stole his turkey or whatever the fuck they eat in Oklahoma. I'm goin' with Johny Hendricks by 1st round knockout cocksucka.
Next up we have my personal pick for Fight Of The Night. Alan Belcher vs that caveman brazilian Whosimar Paul Stanley, Paul Harris, whatever the fuck his name is. That motherfucker Alan Belcher doesn't give a fuck dawg, did you see when he Tombstone Piledrived Patrick Cooty ? I jumped up so fast I spilled the vaporizer. But then you got that chimpanzee lookin' dude Paul Stanley and that dudes an animal. Did you see that fight with Dan Miller and he headkicked him and then jumped on the cage before the ref stopped the fight ? He's got a few screws loose in his head, but I know how that is, one time I had some peyote in Colorado and fell of the mountain but you work through that shit. This is a tough fight to pick but I'm goin' with Ronda Paul Gilbert by heelhook in the second round fucko.
And in the opening fight we got two big boys, Halle Barry vs that cholo Lavar Johnson. I've seen Pat Barry knockout an elephant in San Diego when me and Bravo were smokin' some Carne Asada Fries Kush with Swole Peer, that dude doesn't give a FUCK. But that skinhead Lavar Johnson doesn't give a fuck either dawg, he's like those dudes in Training Day that fucked up the white dude. And that's how its gonna be when they fight. Lavar Johnson is gonna put those bricks on Barry's chin and it'll be night-night for Halle. Don Johnson by first round knockout. Lock of the night people.
I ran out of time for the prelims, I got sidetracked because I gotta pass a piss test but I'll be back for the fights and we can chop it up then. Stay black fuckos.
Stay Black.
You know I love this main event you mooks. My boys from Stockton, the crazy Diaz brothers (I think we're cousins or some shit on my moms side of the family) and those neanderthal Jersey boys the Miller brothers. Both of these guys are tough as fuckin' nails man, let me tell you. Nate and Nick don't give a fuck, they represent that Gracie Jiu Jitsu and they'll go to da death for 'em. You see them walking around Stockton and they just start jackin' fools up. Those guys are animals. But then you got the Miller brothers and I've seen them deadlift a White Castle in Jersey and eat all the fuckin' sliders. Afterwards we all went to Badabing and hung out with Big Pussy Bonpensiero and killed some strippers but that's for another time. So Diaz has the boxing and the jiu jitsu but Miller has the wrestling and he will grind you out. In the end I gotta go with my man Nate Diaz by 4th round rubber guard-crackhead control-omoplata-whatever the fuck. We're all smokin' some of that Jersey dirt weed in the back with Arianny and Brittney afterwards and eatin' their monkeys. Go fuck yourself.
In the co-main event you've got that goofy afro monkey lookin' bastard Joey Clownshoes and the bearded bozo that knocked out Jon Fitch. The fucks his name ? Jimi Hendrix or someshit. Whatever. I've been a Koscheck fan for a long time when he knocked out that little jap and climbed the cage like an orangutan but he hasn't looked the same since GSP skullfucked his eye. One time I was with this girl in Arizona and we were goin' at it and then she elbows me right in the fuckin' eye. Dawg, I couldn't see what hole I was in but I just kept goin'. Kos pussied out and he hasn't been the same since. Jimi Hendrix has been knockin' fools out like they stole his turkey or whatever the fuck they eat in Oklahoma. I'm goin' with Johny Hendricks by 1st round knockout cocksucka.
Next up we have my personal pick for Fight Of The Night. Alan Belcher vs that caveman brazilian Whosimar Paul Stanley, Paul Harris, whatever the fuck his name is. That motherfucker Alan Belcher doesn't give a fuck dawg, did you see when he Tombstone Piledrived Patrick Cooty ? I jumped up so fast I spilled the vaporizer. But then you got that chimpanzee lookin' dude Paul Stanley and that dudes an animal. Did you see that fight with Dan Miller and he headkicked him and then jumped on the cage before the ref stopped the fight ? He's got a few screws loose in his head, but I know how that is, one time I had some peyote in Colorado and fell of the mountain but you work through that shit. This is a tough fight to pick but I'm goin' with Ronda Paul Gilbert by heelhook in the second round fucko.
And in the opening fight we got two big boys, Halle Barry vs that cholo Lavar Johnson. I've seen Pat Barry knockout an elephant in San Diego when me and Bravo were smokin' some Carne Asada Fries Kush with Swole Peer, that dude doesn't give a FUCK. But that skinhead Lavar Johnson doesn't give a fuck either dawg, he's like those dudes in Training Day that fucked up the white dude. And that's how its gonna be when they fight. Lavar Johnson is gonna put those bricks on Barry's chin and it'll be night-night for Halle. Don Johnson by first round knockout. Lock of the night people.
I ran out of time for the prelims, I got sidetracked because I gotta pass a piss test but I'll be back for the fights and we can chop it up then. Stay black fuckos.
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