Sup you momos. I'm listening to the latest Joe Rogan podcast with Joey Diaz and getting pumped up to watch some 16 year old Traci Lords Octopus porn (according to Joey Diaz). Having a BBQ for the fights. None of you are invited.
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself*
I'm going to start this off by saying how devestated I was to find out that MAAAHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKK HUNNNNTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOO injured his knee and pulled out of his fight. Even more devestated then when I found out Reemzilla pulled some shit with the NSAC and Frank "I Have The Worst Haircut Ever" Mir was taking his place. I think every fight on the main card has had a change in opponent, right ? Even Jamie Varner was re-signed to take someones spot. Aight. With that out of the way, let's get down to the hate.
Dos Santos by 1st round uppercut KO. Oh, sorry. You guys expected some analysis explaining how Frank Mir has a chance to win just because you bought into all the bullshit he spews before each fight ? He doesn't have the wrestling to take him down. He doesn't have the striking to knock him out (oh fuck you, the Kongo and Big Nog fights don't count for shit). He doesn't have the striking defense to prevent getting destroyed. He has no (fucking) chance to win this fight. I genuinely hate Frank Mir and I will never cheer for him. I hope he gets knocked out forever so then his wife who wears POUNDS of make-up on her dumbface will cry salty tears and die from dehydration. Fuck off Mir.
I hate when I cheer for Bigfoot and then he loses. First to Verdumb and then Black Fedor. Cain has the personality of a wet corn tortilla but he's pretty much the B-grade version of Black Fedor and I don't think Bigfoot will be able to stop it. Ugh, I hate to say it but Brown Pride by 2nd round avocado mashing.
When the fuck did Roy Nelson get a fight on every main card ? Seems like every month he's wasting space on the PPV. He is not exciting to watch, he gasses every time (no matter what Joe Rogan says about his fat guy cardio) and he just blows. If Dave Herman didn't get TKO'd by pinche Stephanie Struve then I'd be cheering for him but not this time. Roy Nelson will FINALLY land that shitty overhand Koscheck right and knockout Herman. It's gonna be sloppy for sure. Big Gut by 1st round KO.
SDR is back and he's fighting the XL sibling of the KEN Mode brothers. (Sorry, only like 2 of you guys will get that reference) This fight is such a bitch to pick because they both bring it and I can't say a bad thing about em. SDR hasn't fought in a long ass time since some momo crashed into him though and he's making his UFC debut against a Croatian. Ughhhh. I don't want to pick but I gotta go with KEN Mode Bro by decision. Listen to KEN Mode you fucking weenies.
WHERE YOU AT MARK HUNT ?!?! DAMNIT. Big Sausage Johnson by 1st round hilariously bad KO. If he doesn't get outgrappled by Stephanie Struve which is totally possible if goddamn PAT BARRY was able to get an Americana on him. Please don't get submitted. I want to see you fight Mark Hunt so badly.
PRELIMS
Darren Elkins is christ-rapingly boring and he got a gift of a win over Michi "OMG" Omigawa. Brandao should steamroll him but it might turn into a boring 15 minutes of hump n pray. I couldn't care less to be honest cause I'll be busy eating carne asada tacos sooooo... Brandao by flying knee/early stoppage TKO ? Sure.
Edson Barboza murderdeathkilled Terry "Schaivo" Etim with a Leko Buster. He's pretty much the baddest dude on the planet not named Badr Hari. Jamie Varner got some respect from me when his balls were destroyed by Camel Sallyroos and I'm kinda happy to see him back in the UFC on short notice. I must be high as giraffe pussy right now. Anyways, Varner SHOULD get blasted in the face a bunch of times but he will probably make this 15 minutes of lay n pray. Shit, I would do the same thing if I was fighting the Brazilian Butter Harry. Easy pick is Barboza by decision/stoppage in the 3rd round but I just have a gut feeling that Varner could win 2 rounds with his kinda crappy wrestling/experience. I don't know mannnnn.
CB Dollaway sucks just enough to do something dumb against Mayhem and get submitted. So that's what I'm going with. Mayhem by 1st round RNC.
DAN FUCKING HARDY IS BACK PEOPLE !! He's only lost 4 fights in a row and is somehow still signed to the UFC. I bet he'll tell us how "I've been working on my ground game nonstop" or some bullshit. Dude, enough. Duane "Gangbang" Ludwig has no ground game either so this will end up being some STAND N BANG for all you rednecks out there. K-1 level this will NOT be. Sorry. Too bad I hate Dan Hardy, The Gangbang by boring decision.
Fuckkk I can't stand Jacob Volkmann. Paul Sass is a crazy loon and I hope he pulls off the upset and triangles Volkmann in the 1st round. Dude is such a douchenozzle. I'd laugh if he got Volkmannized though. Sass by Sassangle.
Kyle Kingsbury is a scumbag. He doesn't deserve to have Natasha Wicks. I don't know about Glover Txxxxxssshierieiriaaaa but apparently he's badass as shit. Glover by something rad hopefully.
Mike Brown's been looking haggard lately. Younger Guy Pineda by youth.
I'm out this bitch. Later momos.
*Big Dicks In Your Ass is Bad For Your Health
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