My Picks For UFC On Fox: Mouse Man vs Baby Cholo

How do you get pumped up to go out on a Friday night ? Do laundry while listening to the new Gorguts. Works for me. And then tomorrow is a free card with awesome fights ? Oh yes. My body is READY for this weekend.

Onward To Golgotha

Dude seriously, who the FUCK is John Moraga ? I MAY have seen one of his fights but he's always been on the prelims right ? So who's the ad wizard that said "oh sure bro let's put some cholo in the MAIN EVENT on NATIONAL TELEVISION" when no one has ever seen him fight ? He probably stabs someone at Roberto's every Friday night. Who fucking knows. Why don't they just match up John Dodson with Benavidez ? Oh that would make too much sense though. Whoops. Gosh, I sure am angry right now even though tonight is going to rule. OK ENOUGH BAD VIBRATIONS TIME FOR HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Mighty Mouse by drama-free unanimous decision. Ah shit, that just took the fun out of this paragraph already. Sorry guys. But on the real, Mighty Mouse fights just don't interest me. He's gonna use decent footwork but still get hit in the face a bunch, he's gonna take you down for a few seconds, he's gonna show no power in his striking ever, he might throw a headkick, and that's a Mighty Mouse fight. And I don't know shit about John Moraga except he's a proud resident of Arizona and I fucking hate that state. This is a lose-lose situation for everyone. Praying for something zany to happen though, like Mighty Mouse Corey Hills is leg completely and Moraga is champ for like 1 month until Benavidez knocks him out. Welp.

Oh man I wish Rory McDonalds would fuck off forever. So tired of his shit. Fashionista over here is making it really difficult to take Canada seriously. Sorry Ken Mode. I'm glad Ellendegeneresburger agrees with me and is tired of his shit too. Kid looks so goofy and awkward. Natures Michael Cera. Oh goddamnit. I tried to leave Michael Cera out of my life but there he goes, awkwardly snaking his way in. Bastard. I'm glad I just came up with a new nickname for Rory though. So hows this fight going down ? With Natures Michael Cera crashing face first into the canvas as the Juggernaut jumps over the octagon and punches Arianny in the face a million times. I honestly don't see why everyone is so hyped about Rory. He beat up two lightweights, Che Mills, and uhh...shit I can't remember. Ellendegeneresburger by left hook KO. Fuck off Natures Michael Cera.

War Robbie Lawler. The only time I didn't cheer for him is when he fought Manhoef, a fight I'll never bring up. I've never seen Bobby Voltron fight but his neck looks funny so he probably sucks. Robbie finna flying knee that bozos face off and then fight Jake Ellenberger for the next title shot. Ohhhh mannnnnn that'd be such a good fight. Duuuuudeeee yesssssss. Lawler by 1st round bicycle kick KO.

Oh, Liz Carmouche. The woman that's never beaten anyone with a winning record. Oh. No big deal. Let's just hype her up anyways as a top 3 bantamweight for some reason. Yep. I really hope Andrade smashes on Carmouches Urijah Faber-ish face into oblivion but she'll probably get lay n prayed for 15 minutes. I don't know. Do you guys care about this fight ? Nope ? Me neither. Gonna be chugging some barrel aged stouts during this one. Uhhh...Andrade by having a winning record. I just want a beer right now.

Now it's time for my favorite part. The Prelims Stream of Consciousness:

Michael Chiesa's beard is seriously impressive. If Roy Nelson lost 100 pounds he'd look like that. Man I really need to urinate. Jorge Masvidal missed weight though and that does not inspire confidence. I can't pick against Gamebred ever though, war Masvidal by TKO 2nd round. Tim Means missed weight brutally so that means Danny Castillo is gonna lay n pray for 15 minutes, maybe even getting a stoppage in the 3rd round even though he'll probably be gassed. Melvin Guillard should blast right through Mac Danzig in spectacular black fashion but this is where he usually brain farts and gets submitted before the fight even starts somehow. Still going with my gut and picking Guillard by blacksplosiveness in the 1st round. Seems like most people are picking Cruickshank to win, I don't think I've seen him fight though PLUS I'm never picking against Thugjitsu. So war Yves Edwards by Larry Holmes dropkick to the face KO 2nd round. Ed Herman looks like Josh Homme. That's enough to win. War Julie Kedzie Invicta never die. Aaron Riley is so old. Don't know who Justin Salas is but he can't be as old as him. War Salsa. I keep hearing that John Albert is the best terrible fighter ever so I'm kinda excited to see him tomorrow night except I'll be napping during the prelims. Whoops.

TIME TO PARTY BITCHES. PEACE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LECHE.

Post-Fight Analysis For UFC 162: What The Hell Was That

I still have no reaction to that. My jaw might have slacked a bit but other than that I didn't really yell, or jump around, or punch the air, nothing. It just felt weird. My initial thought was that it was fixed. Yeah, shut up, but it popped in my head so deal with it. Watching the knockout about 1,000 times last night while eating donuts, you see Weidman set up the left hook that drops Anderson with a right back fist, so I'm pretty sure Weidman was listening to Dim Mak in the locker room the whole night. Just ridiculous. Silva looked like a straight BITCH last night and I'm glad he finally paid the price (even though I was always cheering for him when he clowned Bonnar, Griffin, Maia, etc...). What a dick. And then to quasi-retire after he lost ? Nick Diaz level bi-polar shit. Congrats to Weidman all the way. I'd love to see him fight Belfort, Mousasi, MELVIN MANHOEF POUND FOR POUND CHAMPION NEXT TO MARK HUNT, and Jacare. Melvin Manhoef destroys Weidman though so it doesn't even matter.

CONTINUING ON.

Edgar looked good, but Oliveira looked better even though he lost. I really thought Oliveira was getting smoked in the first round but he stood his ground and really brought the mosh. Third round turned into some serious stand n bang and I was loving it. With Siver losing, I could see Oliveira being ranked #10 maybe. Right ? That sounds reasonable to me. And Edgar needs to fight Chad Mendes before they talk about him getting another title shot. Jesus christ. Awesome fight. The featherweights always get turnt up.

Roger Gracie on some Rolles Gracie level conditioning. Chump shit. Gassing out after 3 minutes of grappling ? Come on son. Get it together. Tim Kennedy looked ok...? Whatever. He still pisses me off with his terrible tweeting skills.

Mark Munoz was on some beast-mode lumpia-eating savagery last night. For once his wrestling looked spot on, his cardio never wavered, and he was just violent. I forgot how ridiculous his ground n pound is. No one else gets the torque like him. Scary shit. Weidman kills him after Manhoef though so whatevs.

I told you guys Cub Swanson was gonna kill Panzer Division Siver but no one believed me. Bozos. Mini Daniel Craig impressed me with his top control in that first round though, had no clue he actually trained joo-jeetzu. Who does Swanson fight next ? Does he cut in front of Lamas for next title shot ? Does he fight Edgar ? Who knows. I would like to see him rematch Aldo though. Good stuff.

*le sigh*

What a weird night.

My Picks For UFC 162: The Spider vs The Ginzo

Hey what's up dudes. Anyone drunk yet ? I'm not but I'm getting there. Chugging this Stone Russian Imperial Stout right now on an empty stomach, by the time I get to the prelims I'll have faceplanted on my keyboard at least 187 times. That's my goal anyways. Oh, how was your 4th of July ? Mine was alright, ate 3 different desserts so that's a good start. Pretty sure I have ALL the types of diabetes right now. So worth it. Anyways...

Onward To Golgotha

PLEASE shut the fuck up about Chris Weidman already. Please. I am so sick of you ginzo wop fucks trying to convince a Tony Soprano-less universe that Chris Weidman has a chance. GET. REAL. I love gabagool as much as anyone else but don't give me this shit that because "he believes in himself" that he'll win. Really guy ? If that shit worked then I'd already be married to Camilla Belle, we'd have a welsh corgi farm, and our own restaurant called Swole's that would serve only the best flautas and craft beer in San Diego but that never happened. So don't tell me that Chris Weidman is going to submit (!!!) or TKO (!!!!!!) Anderson Silva just because he has faith in his abilities. He only had ONE good win and it was against a fat Mark Munoz that had a really bad haircut and an injured knee. Oh, he beat Alessio Suckara and Tom Lawlor ? That gives you hope he'll be the one to not only beat Anderson Silva, but FINISH him ?! Oh my god dude. I fucking hate all of you. Shit, I forgot I have to make a pick. Anderson Silva by whacking him like ''Big Pussy'' Bonspensiero and throwing him off the boat.

There's nothing to discuss regarding the Frankie Edgar vs Aloe Vera fight. Come on man. Biggest squash match of the year. Just disgusting matchmaking by Joe Silva. Yeah, Edgar hasn't won in his last 3 fights but to get another highlight reel moment like this is just pathetic. I would love nothing more than Aloe Vera to shock the world and submit or flying knee Edgar into a living death but that's...no. Not happening. Ugh. Total bullshit. Edgar by whatever he wants.

If Tim Kennedy would shut his whore mouth and stop trying to be controversial or zany or acting like some militant alpha male (which he is none of the above) I might actually pay attention when he fights, but he never gets the memo. And because of that I hope Hoger Gracie chokes his jabroni head clean off. I hope Hoger walks out to the most Islamic Pro-Allah song ever and burns the American flag in the cage. What's Kennedy gonna do ? Run to his phone and post an angry tweet ? Die. Hoger by hating the United States Of America.

Yeah, Mark Munoz losing 75 pounds for this fight is impressive and yeah ya know, dealing with depression sucks, I know all about that but like...who cares. He really thinks he'll be "in the mix" after beating Borscht ? Wow. He might have skipped depression and just went full schizophrenic. Poor guy. He DID look really damn good at the weigh-ins though, pretty motivating for a fat sumo fuck like me. Too bad Borscht is gonna KO him with redneck uppercuts of death in the 1st round.

Mr. So Cal vs Panzer Division Siver is gonna be fight of the night. It might actually only last one round but it'll be the craziest three minutes of face punching ever. Uh oh, I'm buzzed. I'm just honestly surprised that so many people are picking Panzer Division Siver to win. He drops to featherweight and beats two guys by decision while Mr. So Cal's been killing everybody with brutal KO's. I uhh...yeah I don't get that line of thinking. Buncha Nazi lovers, you sick fucks. Cub Swanson by Nazibuster 1st round. Deal with it haters.

Time for my favorite part of the night, prelims stream of consciousness rambling:

Chris Leben lives in San Diego now but I haven't seen him yet. Maybe we'll catch up at L&L soon. (That's a Hawaiian restaurant for all you uneducated weenies out there). WAR Leben all day. Andrew Craig looks like a fat Urijah Faber. Who the fuck is Norman Parke ? Who the fuck is Kazuhisa Takanori ? Losers. Dave Herman sucks a bag. Gabriel Gonzaga sucks an even bigger back. But who will suck just enough to win ? Probably Gonzaga. I don't know, this fight will probably suck a bunch of suck. Edson Barboza by Lekobuster because the guy he's fighting has a crappy beard. Seth Backnezinskkykykyyyy is ok. The guy he's fighting probably sucks. Guess Seth wins. Mike Pierce by either supremely boring decision or brutal finish. Who knows. I don't know, I'm too drunk to make a pick.

Anyways, enjoi your Friday night. I'm gonna have more beer. I love you all.

-SwolePeer