How do you get pumped up to go out on a Friday night ? Do laundry while listening to the new Gorguts. Works for me. And then tomorrow is a free card with awesome fights ? Oh yes. My body is READY for this weekend.
Onward To Golgotha
Dude
seriously, who the FUCK is John Moraga ? I MAY have seen one of his
fights but he's always been on the prelims right ? So who's the ad
wizard that said "oh sure bro let's put some cholo in the MAIN EVENT on
NATIONAL TELEVISION" when no one has ever seen him fight ? He probably
stabs someone at Roberto's every Friday night. Who fucking knows. Why
don't they just match up John Dodson with Benavidez ? Oh that would make
too much sense though. Whoops. Gosh, I sure am angry right now even
though tonight is going to rule. OK ENOUGH BAD VIBRATIONS TIME FOR HAPPY
THOUGHTS.
Mighty Mouse by drama-free unanimous decision.
Ah shit, that just took the fun out of this paragraph already. Sorry
guys. But on the real, Mighty Mouse fights just don't interest me. He's
gonna use decent footwork but still get hit in the face a bunch, he's
gonna take you down for a few seconds, he's gonna show no power in his
striking ever, he might throw a headkick, and that's a Mighty Mouse
fight. And I don't know shit about John Moraga except he's a proud
resident of Arizona and I fucking hate that state. This is a lose-lose
situation for everyone. Praying for something zany to happen though,
like Mighty Mouse Corey Hills is leg completely and Moraga is champ for
like 1 month until Benavidez knocks him out. Welp.
Oh man I wish
Rory McDonalds would fuck off forever. So tired of his shit. Fashionista
over here is making it really difficult to take Canada seriously. Sorry Ken Mode. I'm glad Ellendegeneresburger agrees with me and is tired of his shit too. Kid looks so goofy and awkward. Natures Michael Cera.
Oh goddamnit. I tried to leave Michael Cera out of my life but there he
goes, awkwardly snaking his way in. Bastard. I'm glad I just came up
with a new nickname for Rory though. So hows this fight going down ?
With Natures Michael Cera crashing face first into the canvas as the
Juggernaut jumps over the octagon and punches Arianny in the face a
million times. I honestly don't see why everyone is so hyped about Rory.
He beat up two lightweights, Che Mills, and uhh...shit I can't
remember. Ellendegeneresburger by left hook KO. Fuck off Natures Michael Cera.
War
Robbie Lawler. The only time I didn't cheer for him is when he fought
Manhoef, a fight I'll never bring up. I've never seen Bobby Voltron
fight but his neck looks funny so he probably sucks. Robbie finna flying
knee that bozos face off and then fight Jake Ellenberger for the next
title shot. Ohhhh mannnnnn that'd be such a good fight. Duuuuudeeee
yesssssss. Lawler by 1st round bicycle kick KO.
Oh, Liz
Carmouche. The woman that's never beaten anyone with a winning record.
Oh. No big deal. Let's just hype her up anyways as a top 3 bantamweight
for some reason. Yep. I really hope Andrade smashes on Carmouches Urijah
Faber-ish face into oblivion but she'll probably get lay n prayed for
15 minutes. I don't know. Do you guys care about this fight ? Nope ? Me
neither. Gonna be chugging some barrel aged stouts during this one.
Uhhh...Andrade by having a winning record. I just want a beer right now.
Now it's time for my favorite part. The Prelims Stream of Consciousness:
Michael
Chiesa's beard is seriously impressive. If Roy Nelson lost 100 pounds
he'd look like that. Man I really need to urinate. Jorge Masvidal missed
weight though and that does not inspire confidence. I can't pick
against Gamebred ever though, war Masvidal by TKO 2nd round. Tim Means missed weight brutally so that means Danny Castillo is gonna lay n pray for 15 minutes,
maybe even getting a stoppage in the 3rd round even though he'll
probably be gassed. Melvin Guillard should blast right through Mac
Danzig in spectacular black fashion but this is where he usually brain
farts and gets submitted before the fight even starts somehow. Still
going with my gut and picking Guillard by blacksplosiveness in the 1st round.
Seems like most people are picking Cruickshank to win, I don't think
I've seen him fight though PLUS I'm never picking against Thugjitsu. So war Yves Edwards by Larry Holmes dropkick to the face KO 2nd round. Ed Herman looks like Josh Homme. That's enough to win. War Julie Kedzie Invicta never die. Aaron Riley is so old. Don't know who Justin Salas is but he can't be as old as him. War Salsa. I keep hearing that John Albert is the best terrible fighter ever so I'm kinda excited to see him tomorrow night except I'll be napping during the prelims. Whoops.
TIME TO PARTY BITCHES. PEACE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LECHE.
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