My Picks For UFC 164: Blasian vs Puerto Rican

Man, it is impossibly hot right now. All the coconut water in the world won't be able to save my shirts from sweat stain death. S'all good though, it's helping me cut weight so I can fight at 205 by the end of the year. Anyways, time to get down to business. 

Onward To Golgotha

For a few weeks I was absolutely sick of Pettis running his mouth. I wanted to Showtime Kick his face off when he said TJ Grant didn't deserve the title shot, I wanted to shoot him in the face with a Golden Gun when he cut in front of line and got the Aldo opportunity, and oh my god his haircut annoys me, but I've forgiven him. I just don't understand why they didn't make this match up when the card was first announced. It made zero sense to have Pettis fight in Brazil only a few weeks before the Milwaukee card but the Universe righted everything. Ok I'm rambling on at this point and you've probably already clicked over to some scrambled porn, impatient perverts. 

Who is going to win ? Well, not Bendo. So burned out on his leg kicks and useless jabs and flopping hair. Can't stand knowing that every time he fights it's going to be 25 minutes of the same crap. I sure sound bitter today. Must be the lack of coconut water in my life. I remember watching the first fight and almost headbutting the tv when Pettis landed the Showtime Kick. I remember being on the verge of tears when Bendersonson had the RNC locked in. In other words it was an amazing fight. And holy dude I am pumped up for the rematch. WHY AM I RAMBLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW ?! Ugh sorry guys. I just want Pettis to do all the spinning flying shit he can possibly come up with. I want every combo from Killer Instinct, Mortal Kombat, and ALL the Street Fighter games. Pettis better rock a Vega mask and claws and climb up the cage and do a slashing back flip. Shoryuken ? Better fucking happen. Stone Cold Stunner ? OH. HELL. YEAH. Pettis by Showtime Kick 2: Electric Boogaloo in the 2nd round. RIP Bendo's reign of boredom RIP.

Pride Never Die. Bolt Thrower Never Die. That must mean the return of the Baby Faced Assassin, JUSHHHHHHHHHHHH BAHHHHHHNNNNEEEETTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So chuffed he's finally back in the UFC. Can't wait for him to wreck shit on Francisco Mir's dumbest face ever. Five bucks says Mir gets rocked just getting patted down by the ref. Dude has zero chin left. I once saw a welsh corgi puppy lick his face and Mir was out cold. It doesn't show up on his record because he missed weight by like 240 pounds and it was a last minute match because the welsh corgi just showed up out of nowhere but it totally happened. That's exactly what's going to happen tomorrow night. You weenies really think Mir is gonna use some judo salad tossing and end up mounted on Barnett ? So naive. What's going to happen is Barnett is going to walk him down with fat white kid fists and crush Mir's jabroni jawline and get a title shot against Mark Hunt because JDS will get injured and Hunt will step in on short notice and crush that little mexican. BAHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT by decision because let's get serious, this fight is going to be 15 minutes of just obesity and no cardio.

Hahaha Clay Guida. What a goober. So glad Sean Shelby got sick of his shit and matched him up with the beastiest dude at 145. If anyone thinks Guida has a shot I want to know what medication they're taking. Even all the schizophrenics in the world would never pick Guida against Mendes. Did you see the Countdown ? Did you see Mendes do those spinning push ups ? Dude. I wish I could do that. My brain doesn't even have the explosive creativity to do that in my dreams. Ridiculous. Mendes by first round KO/guillotine combo. 

Anytime I see Brenda Vera Wang's name I get pissed. Of all the people to represent San Diego it's him. I hate everyone that lives here, but he is an amalgamation of all those people rolled up in the fattest Philipino frame ever. He is seriously every bad SD stereotype. I almost hope he wins tomorrow night just so he has the chance of getting knocked out again. Did you see how ridiculous he looked at the weigh ins ? I'm a total fatso, but wow he made me look like a bantamweight. If Ben Rothwell wasn't such an incosistent fat dude I'd be picking him but he looked expectionally terrible against Gonzaga. Can't believe this fight is on the main card of a PPV in 2013. It better be awesomely bad and cringeworthy. Who wins though ? Nobody. Not the Phillipines, not America, not anybody.

Kochhead vs Skinhead. Wasn't this supposed to happen a couple years ago ? Kinda hard to get pumped up for this fight when both dudes got crushed in their last ones. Lamas murderdeathkilling Kochhead with elbows was shocking. Didn't Poirier lose to Swanson last time ? Too lazy to check Wikipedia but I 'm pretty sure that's what happened. You know what ? Whatever. I just want violence. Koch brings the best violence with those headkicks that actually land. Poirier seems overrated and I don't think he'll be able to get Kochhead down long enough to work any subs. Koch by ultraviolent liverkick of death fatality. 

Jamie Varner vs Brazilian Gary Sinise is such an awesome fight. How much weight did Tibau cut ? Like 80 pounds or something ? Insanity. Don't know how that guy consistently makes weight without dying every time. Everyone seems to be picking against Varner but I'm not. No way. He's too fast and his punches are too powerful and I fully expect him to win by TKO. Tebow's muscles are so huge he's incapable of throwing a punch without seperating every shoulder that ever existed. Attach Gary Sinise's head to a rhino and you have Gleison Tibau. Yes, his physique blows me away. Big deal, wanna fight about it ? That being said, Varner by KO 1st round.

Time for preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Elliot has a pretty sweet beard and Louis Ginzo looks like Diego Sanchez with green hair. I hate Diego Sanchez. I hate green hair. You think I'm picking against the guy with a sweet beard ? Get real. Beard Guy by Beard. Pascal Krauss is fighting a sexy Korean not named Dong Dong Stun Gun Kim The Donger, war sexy Korean. Chico Camus is fighting another sexy Korean, damn sexy koreans. They're so sexy and korean. War Sex with a Korean. Soa Palelei is a big Samoan or something, he automatically wins by being islander. Fuck anyone with the last name Couture. War other guy. Jared Hamman via being gumpy. 

Ok that's all folks. Time to take 3 showers in a row.

Peace.

My Picks For UFC: "So Handsome" Sonnen vs "Stunning" Shogun

My goodness, tomorrow night is going to have the most good looking main event of all time. My body is not ready. Or maybe it is ? Yeah it definitely is. I won't waste any more time with this intro cause holy shit it's going to take forever to do all these picks. Let's get at it.

Onward To Golgotha

This fight is an absolute bitch to guess who's going to win. If Shogun could inject TRT in his knees then it'd be a whole lot easier to pick him by Psycho Crusher in the 1st round but he looked like dog shit in the Brenda Vera Wang fight and that inspires zero confidence he won't die from an asthma attack somewhere in the 25 minutes of Sonnen's violent hugging attack. On the other hand, Sonnen hasn't won at 205 in an eternity and he always chokes in these situations, kinda like how I choke at taco shops ordering wimpy bean and cheese burritos instead of 50 pounds of carne asada fries. What I'm trying to say is, I hope no one gets hurt because Sonnen has a Top 3 smile of all time and Shogun is right up there too. In conclusion, Sonnen by impossibly boring 25 minutes of limp wristed ground and pound resulting in a TKO (!) win, somewhere in the 4th round. This won't be pretty folks, not as pretty as Sonnen.

Did you guys see Travis Browne's beard ? Did you see the interview with Karyn Bryant where he said he has nightmares about losing his beard ? Homie is all ABOUT that beard life. I'm pretty proud of him. Plus we have that Hapa bond. And then Overeem. Goddamnit. I'm still laughing when Antonio "Giant Sloth" Silva knocked him out so badly that Fujita's skull started ejaculating dehydrated coconut chunks automatically. Has Reem even been cleared to fight again ? He probably thinks he has a fight with a horse meat buffet, not against a giant Hawaiian with a sweet beard. Yeah, I sound a bit salty but Overeem had all this hype and then acted like a nerd at a machismo convention and got schooled. So with that in mind, WAR HAWAIIAN BEARD ALL DAY. ALL THE MAHALOS. TRAVIS BROWNE BY SUPERFLY SPLASH.

Speaking of handsome, how bout Urijah Faber ? Yeah that buttchin is a bit intense but I wish I had his hair. Or any hair at this point. There's really no point in discussing Yuri Alcantara because this isn't a title shot so Faber wins by default. Poor kid never had a chance. Buttchinius Maximus is going to grapple-fuck the hell out of Alcantara and wrangle a tasty RNC in the 2nd round. 

Can't believe I'm a Matt Brown fan in 2013. This year continues to blow my mind. What's even crazier is seeing him on a six (6) fight winning streak after he collapses Mike Pyle with midwest elbows of death. Fuck outta here if you're of the mindset that Pyle is going to submit Matt Brown. Nope. Not in 2013. If this was 2011 you can bet your ass this pick would say "Mullet Pyle by guillotine in the first second because Matt Brown has zero sub defense ever" but things change. People change. Matt Brown changed. I changed. The Immortal by mullet severing elbows 1st round, FOTN.

The last memory I have of Doomsday Howard is his forehead exploding like a puff pastry after Jake Ellenberger committed atrocities to it. I'm thinking tomorrow night might be the same unless Uriah Hall just got his black belt in Asperger's and repeats the same bullshit he pulled when he fought that small mexican guy, whatever his name was. Of course Doomsday is like twenty inches shorter than Hall and probably won't reach his chin, but you never know. I'm hoping for ultra violence, that's all. Doomsday by upset KO because I fucking love upsets, as much as carne asada fries.

Opening the main card is Creepy Joe vs a Blackzillian. Welp, that's all there is to it. J-Lau by sub 1st round, probably an armbar. Oh you really think Michael Johnson dramatically upped his cardio and sub defense in one training camp ? Get real. He was probably busy drawing portraits of Overeem and Spong's biceps. That's what I'd be doing anyways.

It's time to wrap this up, except it might take longer then expected because the prelims are actually really damn good. Prelim Stream of consciousness time: 

Holy hell Mayday vs Pickett is going to be savagery. Pickett has a chin but Mayday could crack it open with an uppercut. The Wineland fight makes me hesitant to pick Pickett here, unless he can take it to the ground. Ugh. Gotta go with Mayday though, probably by decision. Already sick of this ignorant Irish pride that Dana's been shoving up our asses. Yeah, McGregor looked awesome in his debut and I'll be cheering for him but goddamn, calm down. He's only had ONE fight in the UFC. Stop hyping him up like he's going to resurrect Phil Lynott and schedule a Thin Lizzy reunion tour that starts and ends in San Diego with support from Uli Jon Roth era Scorpions. Still picking Hooligan Fuckhead by 2nd round TKO but just relax until he gets more wins. This Trappistes Rochefort 10 is starting to hit me pretty good, as hard as Mike Brown is going to overhand right Steven Siler's stupid face. Really hope MTB looks like his younger self tomorrow night and puts on a clinic but he's been slowing down in his last few fights. Still picking him by decision though. Diego Brandao by murder 1st round. Oh man I hate everyone in this next fight. Can't stand Armenians in general, and Nicole Millers face pisses me off forever. Soooo...wow this beer is so good. OSP has the worst initials ever and he's an even worse fighter. Hope that white guy he's fighting smashes him up. James "Michael" Vick by dogfighting doctor stoppage because I'm exhausted from writing.

Hope to see you all in the Discussion Zone tomorrow night ! Peace.

My Picks For UFC 163: Rei Do Gado vs 고기구이

The toughest battle of all time. Brazilian BBQ vs Korean BBQ. Who wins tomorrow night ? Not my colon, that's for sure. Holy shit I'm starving right now too. Damn. It's gonna be a bitch to get through these picks. Wish me luck.

Onward To Golgotha

HHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it's finally here !! HOLY DUDE. We all get to witness the international ultraviolence that will happen in approximately 24 hours and 43 minutes. I am so ready. Well not really, I'm pretty hungry right now and that's taking a bit of my enthusiasm away, but you bet your ass I'll be bench pressing ALL the ring girls tomorrow night. And by ring girls I mean slices of cheap pizza and beer.

Let's set things straight right now: I absolutely love Jose Aldo and cheer for him every single fight except for tomorrow. I just can't go against TKZ ever. Well, if he fought Mark Hunt then I'd be cheering for Mark Hunt of course but that won't happen...right ? Yeah I'm pretty sure it won't happen. Maybe it will. Who knows. It's 2013, anything is possible. ANYWAYS. I'm going full bias mode right now and am stating ON RECORD that TKZ will demolish Aldo. It won't be close. It'll be even more brutal than the time I beat up these carne asada fries with my mouth cause they looked at me wrong. So brutal. So tastily brutal. But how's he going to win ? Flying knee ? Twister ? Korean Necktie ? Double flying knee ? Right kick hospital, left kick cemetery ? Triple flying knee ? So many options but you can only choose one. The Korean Zombie by bulgogi marinated quadruple flying knee while walking out to Zombie Apocalypse by Mortician. 미친놈, bitch.

I feel so bad for Phil Davis. So very bad. Poor kid won't be able to do fuck-all against Machida. He's gonna throw some stupid jabs ? Or some dumb headkicks with no power ? Is he gonna twerk ? Fuck outta here. He won't be able to takedown Machida so there goes 80% of his game. Of course Machida won't do anything because Phil isn't confident enough in his striking to commit, so Machida will have nothing to counter. Ugh. This is gonna be a sludge-like 15 minute staring contest. Hope they have a camera on the ring girls during this one. Maybe they'll be getting manicures or something. Whatever. Machida by oh look, I found some chips on the floor. Yum.

The rest of the fights are so terrible that I'm going to lump them all into a Stream Of Consciousness Orgy:

Seriously, 6 fighters on the main card I have absolutely zero interest in watching. This might as well be a Fuel card. Pathetic. Cezar Ferreira looks like Vitor Belfort on even more TRT and Thiago "Santos Silva Pitbull" Santos has the most generic Brazilian name ever. So not in the mood for this garbage. No one wins. Thales Ladies is on the main card of a PPV in 2013 ? Who the fuck did he win to get back in the UFC ? Fuck off. Tom Watson talks some really bad shit and will be stuck to preliminary purgatory forever because Ladies might actually win by lay n pray. Seriously, fuck this main card. John Liniker missed weight by 4 fucking pounds. The guy he's fighting looks like a bridge troll with cauliflower ear. We all lose. Vinny Magalhash could lose forever and I wouldn't care. Anthony Perosh seem like a good guy that would probably buy you a couple rounds of beers and cheese sticks every time. I like that in a human. War Nice Guy Perosh. Except he's gonna lose. Chicks are fighting and I haven't seen any of them before. Are they good ? Are you even reading this anymore ? Shit, I lost interest 30 minutes ago. War Jessice Penne's pretty nose. I have no clue who Neil Magny or Sergio Moraes are. Exciting ? Not worth a shit ? Probably not worth a shit. Man, I could honestly eat a horse right now. Like, a horse in a adobada marinade or something. So much marinade in these picks. WAR TIO CREEPY. He SHOULD smash on this little Keebler Elf lookin' dude. Tio Creepy by 1st round TKO always. Rani Yayha is the smallest featherweight ever. He could probably fight at 125 but he's a lazy fuck like me so whatevs. Yayha by flying omoplaya unless he gasses badly. I really have no clue who the next 4 fighters are so I'm not even going to write about those fuckheads. Seriously. Worst. Card. Ever. Minus the main event. Ugh. Time for beers and food and more beers. PEACE.