My Picks For UFC 164: Blasian vs Puerto Rican

Man, it is impossibly hot right now. All the coconut water in the world won't be able to save my shirts from sweat stain death. S'all good though, it's helping me cut weight so I can fight at 205 by the end of the year. Anyways, time to get down to business. 

Onward To Golgotha

For a few weeks I was absolutely sick of Pettis running his mouth. I wanted to Showtime Kick his face off when he said TJ Grant didn't deserve the title shot, I wanted to shoot him in the face with a Golden Gun when he cut in front of line and got the Aldo opportunity, and oh my god his haircut annoys me, but I've forgiven him. I just don't understand why they didn't make this match up when the card was first announced. It made zero sense to have Pettis fight in Brazil only a few weeks before the Milwaukee card but the Universe righted everything. Ok I'm rambling on at this point and you've probably already clicked over to some scrambled porn, impatient perverts. 

Who is going to win ? Well, not Bendo. So burned out on his leg kicks and useless jabs and flopping hair. Can't stand knowing that every time he fights it's going to be 25 minutes of the same crap. I sure sound bitter today. Must be the lack of coconut water in my life. I remember watching the first fight and almost headbutting the tv when Pettis landed the Showtime Kick. I remember being on the verge of tears when Bendersonson had the RNC locked in. In other words it was an amazing fight. And holy dude I am pumped up for the rematch. WHY AM I RAMBLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW ?! Ugh sorry guys. I just want Pettis to do all the spinning flying shit he can possibly come up with. I want every combo from Killer Instinct, Mortal Kombat, and ALL the Street Fighter games. Pettis better rock a Vega mask and claws and climb up the cage and do a slashing back flip. Shoryuken ? Better fucking happen. Stone Cold Stunner ? OH. HELL. YEAH. Pettis by Showtime Kick 2: Electric Boogaloo in the 2nd round. RIP Bendo's reign of boredom RIP.

Pride Never Die. Bolt Thrower Never Die. That must mean the return of the Baby Faced Assassin, JUSHHHHHHHHHHHH BAHHHHHHNNNNEEEETTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So chuffed he's finally back in the UFC. Can't wait for him to wreck shit on Francisco Mir's dumbest face ever. Five bucks says Mir gets rocked just getting patted down by the ref. Dude has zero chin left. I once saw a welsh corgi puppy lick his face and Mir was out cold. It doesn't show up on his record because he missed weight by like 240 pounds and it was a last minute match because the welsh corgi just showed up out of nowhere but it totally happened. That's exactly what's going to happen tomorrow night. You weenies really think Mir is gonna use some judo salad tossing and end up mounted on Barnett ? So naive. What's going to happen is Barnett is going to walk him down with fat white kid fists and crush Mir's jabroni jawline and get a title shot against Mark Hunt because JDS will get injured and Hunt will step in on short notice and crush that little mexican. BAHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT by decision because let's get serious, this fight is going to be 15 minutes of just obesity and no cardio.

Hahaha Clay Guida. What a goober. So glad Sean Shelby got sick of his shit and matched him up with the beastiest dude at 145. If anyone thinks Guida has a shot I want to know what medication they're taking. Even all the schizophrenics in the world would never pick Guida against Mendes. Did you see the Countdown ? Did you see Mendes do those spinning push ups ? Dude. I wish I could do that. My brain doesn't even have the explosive creativity to do that in my dreams. Ridiculous. Mendes by first round KO/guillotine combo. 

Anytime I see Brenda Vera Wang's name I get pissed. Of all the people to represent San Diego it's him. I hate everyone that lives here, but he is an amalgamation of all those people rolled up in the fattest Philipino frame ever. He is seriously every bad SD stereotype. I almost hope he wins tomorrow night just so he has the chance of getting knocked out again. Did you see how ridiculous he looked at the weigh ins ? I'm a total fatso, but wow he made me look like a bantamweight. If Ben Rothwell wasn't such an incosistent fat dude I'd be picking him but he looked expectionally terrible against Gonzaga. Can't believe this fight is on the main card of a PPV in 2013. It better be awesomely bad and cringeworthy. Who wins though ? Nobody. Not the Phillipines, not America, not anybody.

Kochhead vs Skinhead. Wasn't this supposed to happen a couple years ago ? Kinda hard to get pumped up for this fight when both dudes got crushed in their last ones. Lamas murderdeathkilling Kochhead with elbows was shocking. Didn't Poirier lose to Swanson last time ? Too lazy to check Wikipedia but I 'm pretty sure that's what happened. You know what ? Whatever. I just want violence. Koch brings the best violence with those headkicks that actually land. Poirier seems overrated and I don't think he'll be able to get Kochhead down long enough to work any subs. Koch by ultraviolent liverkick of death fatality. 

Jamie Varner vs Brazilian Gary Sinise is such an awesome fight. How much weight did Tibau cut ? Like 80 pounds or something ? Insanity. Don't know how that guy consistently makes weight without dying every time. Everyone seems to be picking against Varner but I'm not. No way. He's too fast and his punches are too powerful and I fully expect him to win by TKO. Tebow's muscles are so huge he's incapable of throwing a punch without seperating every shoulder that ever existed. Attach Gary Sinise's head to a rhino and you have Gleison Tibau. Yes, his physique blows me away. Big deal, wanna fight about it ? That being said, Varner by KO 1st round.

Time for preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Elliot has a pretty sweet beard and Louis Ginzo looks like Diego Sanchez with green hair. I hate Diego Sanchez. I hate green hair. You think I'm picking against the guy with a sweet beard ? Get real. Beard Guy by Beard. Pascal Krauss is fighting a sexy Korean not named Dong Dong Stun Gun Kim The Donger, war sexy Korean. Chico Camus is fighting another sexy Korean, damn sexy koreans. They're so sexy and korean. War Sex with a Korean. Soa Palelei is a big Samoan or something, he automatically wins by being islander. Fuck anyone with the last name Couture. War other guy. Jared Hamman via being gumpy. 

Ok that's all folks. Time to take 3 showers in a row.

Peace.