24 hours away from the most important moment in my life. I'm sure
having a baby would be more important, or like, getting my order right
from Roberto's, but as of right now this is easily the most important
event to happen in my lifetime. I should probably be drunk for these
picks. Anyways...
Onward To Golgotha
Last
year when Hunto was walking out to fight Dos Santos was easily the most
anxious I've ever been in my life. Coupled with the fact that Ken Mode
was in town (awesome) and I was planning to propose to a Guamanian (big
mistake) right after the fights made it even more stressful. Then the
fight starts. And then Hunt broke his toe. And then Two Santa's dropped
him with a giant overhand right. Oh. Why is Hunto falling down ? Oh. Dos
Santos killed him with a fucking Lekobuster. Welp, my heart kinda
disintegrated after that. And my dreams of watching The Oceania Super
Fighter get a title shot disappeared. Forever.
Fast
forward to October 2014 while I'm grilling outside and I check twitter
and find out that Cain is injured. And now Hunt is fighting. For the
belt. In Mexico. In three weeks. Fuck. I started jumping up and down,
tore my ACL and MCL in the process, but I didn't care. And still don't
care. My hero is fighting for the belt. Holy FUCK my hero is fighting
for the belt. Annnnnnd he's fighting Werdum. Probably the worst
stylistic match up possible. Shit. Werdum is tall, uses his long legs to
keep his range, doesn't give a shit about your strategy, and if he
takes it to the ground it's over immediately. Yeah, Hunt survived from a
gassed Stefan Strudel but he couldn't choke out a dead quadriplegic in
the Bermuda Triangle. Ok, Hunt survived Bigfoot being on top of him.
Sure, Roy Nelson had Hunt's back for like...a second. Werdum could
armbar all 3 of those dweebs at once. Fuck. Well, the one thing Hunt
does it knock motherfuckers out. Left hook, short uppercuts, Atomic
Buttdrops, he'll find a way to knock you out. And if he does, if Mark
FUCKING Hunt knocks out Werdum and wins the belt...wow. I don't know how
I'll react. Pretty sure I'll flip over every table that ever existed,
punch the closest Guamanian around, bench my weight in spam musubi,
bleach my beard, just...fuck. This fight is everything to me.
MAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO by walk off KO and then retirement.
Oh,
there's other fights this weekend ? Don't care. Oh there's rad fights
AFTER this weekend ? Don't care. THIS is the only one that matters. You
better believe I'm going to be a wreck in the Discussion Zone tomorrow
night. I hope you mutherfukers are there with me.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
My Picks For UFC Fight Night: Matt Brown vs Not That Handsome Erick Silva
Yup, once again I'm doing my
picks way in advance because theres no way I'm spending a friday night
writing about this wreck of a card. Strap on an exit bag.
Onward To Golgotha
After
taking a nice powernap after smashing a Greek buffet one afternoon, I
was pleasantly surprised to read that Matt Brown was fighting Erick
Silva. Sometimes Joe Silva comes out of nowhere with a match up that
serves up a nice serving of creamed jeans. Oh yes, my jeans are
definitey creamed for this fight. After hating Matt Brown for the
majority of his career I finally started cheering for him when he was a
huge underdog and ended up molesting Jordan Mein and knocking out Mike
Pyle in 4 seconds. The hypewagon was at an all time high when he was
scheduled to fight and KO Carlos Condit but it wasn't meant to be. Well
the sexwagon is back on track and oh man my jeans are ready to be
creamed if he fucks Erick Silva and makes him humble. My appreciation
for Erick's handsomeness dwindled after he heel kicked that poor
Japanese migrant worker in Brazil and acted like he just won the K-1
Grand Prix 2000 against Ernesto Hoost. Get over yourself and get a new
haircut bruh. Matt Brown doesn't give a shit about your tribal tats,
he's had shittier tattoos for way longer. The Immortal by Midwest
Ultraviolence.
Why
does Lorenz Larkin keep getting co-main spots ? He looks worse and
worse every fight and his lack of wrestling against huge dudes makes it
that much more impossible to land some sweet hurricane kicks. His
haircuts usually rule though. And Costa Philipoo hasn't done fuck all
since barely beating Tim Borscht. He might as well retire at this point.
Who looks crappier ? I'm picking Lorenz by decision if he keeps out of
Philipoos phonebooth but who cares cause it'll end up being 15 minutes
of cage humping. Next.
Daron
Cruickshank is way too proud of Detroit and Erik Koch represents
Wisconsin like he started Bon Iver. Pathetic. At least both these
milquetoast looking gringos love to stand n wang all over the place. The
potential for creamed jeans is high in this one. Going with Koch
forever though because Cruickshank shoulda lost against Thugjitsu. And
fuck Detroit. Kockhead walking out to Skinny Love n shit.
Who the fuck is Bill Macario and who is Neil Magnum ? I don't know. Next.
Does
Cleveland have a high population of islanders ? Doubt it. So why is Soa
Palelei on the main card against some newcomer ? Only Mark Hunt is the
real islander bubba. Soa by being fat anyways.
Chris Cariaso is on the main card over Eddie Wineland ? Fuck off forever.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Rafael
Natal pisses me off and so does Ed Herman. I'm pissed. Kyoji Horiguchi
gonna win because Japan. Yan Cabral sounds like a zucchini dish at an
Iranian restaurant. Next. Eddie Wineland by KO fuck off. Nik Lentz
because fuck off Armenia. Justin Salad needs a new last name. Next.
Albert Tumenov is probably Dagestani. War Goldeneye.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
My Picks For UFC 171: Hendricks' Beard vs Strikeforce Never Die
Wow where to begin. First off, I'm riding a nice buzz thanks to
Alpine Beer Company and Southern Tier Brewing. Secondly, wow, so much
missed weight. Hendricks missing weight. Dude. What. You don't deserve
to have that beard anymore. You're giving us bearded guys a bad name.
Pathetic. Enough. Third, I'm ready for a burrito and another beer.
Onward To Golgotha
ROBBIE LAWLER IS FIGHTING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. DUDE. WHAT. In 2014 Robbie Lawler is fighting for the UFC belt. Holy shit. And Johny Hendricks misses weight ? Yes, I know he made weight 2 hours later but still. And GSP is retired ? Craziest year ever and we're only in March. Poor Hendricks though, he'll never live his dream of being a champion since Ruthless is going to flying knee his beard off. Or he's going to use his superior boxing technique and still knock off his beard. What ? You're surprised I'm not picking Hendricks ? Deal with it. That's what happens when someone with a beard misses weight. It's insulting to us. You think I've ever missed the 265 pound limit ? Hell no. A steady diet of burritos and pizza and beer keeps me in check. Even better, Nick Diaz is anti-Hendricks too. Don't be scared homie. Lawler by flying knee KO 3rd round.
Tyrone Woodley calling Condit a point fighter...what the fuck. The same guy that had some brutally boring decisions in Strikeforce ? The same guy that lost to Jake Shields when he was supposed to knock him out ? Get out of my life. Saying that the Natural Born Killer of all people is a point fighter ? Umm. No. Not even close son. I ALMOST want Condit to win by boring decision just to spite him but that wouldn't be too fun. What would be awesome is if Condit double flying knee KO's Tyrone in the 1st round. What would be TRIPLE awesome is if Condit and Lawler fight eachother and the only thing they use is flying knees. Oh my god.
Diego Sanchez wearing a Bane mask and doing yoga at the open workouts was amazing but I just can't cheer for someone that misses an impossible amount of punches while shadowboxing in church high on Stevia. But is Miles "Davis" Jury the one that's going to stop Diego's schizophrenic air-punching ? I don't know. Last time I saw him fight was against uhh...Mike Ricci ? Hold on, let me check Wikipedia. Ok yeah, his last win was a split against Mike Ricci. Before that he knocked out somebody and out-grappled Michael "Jordan" Johnson. Does not inspire confidence. Of course Diego lost to Gomi, Kampmann, Melendez, and Ellenberger in his last 4 fights so uhh...yeah I don't know. Myles Davis by decision makes sense cause I doubt he KO's Diego. Ugh this pick is terrible. DIEGO SANCHEZ BY MEXICAN DESTROYING UPPERCUT OF DEATH FUCK LOGIC WAR CHINGASOS.
Fuck Jake Shields. Hector "Oompa Loompa" Lombard better not mess this up by letting Shields bap bap bap his way to a boring 15 minute decision. That'd be the worst. It doesn't matter though, it seems like every time Jake Shields is supposed to lose, he ends up pillow-punching his way to a win. Every time. How does he do it ? How does he bap bap bap his opponents into total hesitation ? I've been punched harder by ghost Pokemon. One time a bird crapped on me harder than a Jake Shields punch. My bowel movements have hit the toilet bowl harder than a Jake Shields punch. Poop poop poop. Lombard by Cuban Missile Crisis.
OSP is fighting the Russian Al "Stephen Graham" Capone. You really expect me to pick against Boardwalk Empire ? Not happening. La Femme Nikita Krylov gonna stomp this momo.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Kelvin Gastelum took 3 dumps to make weight. That's a true champion in my eyes. War Kelvin "Goofiest First Name For A Mexican Ever" Gastelum. Raquel Pennington looks like a Suicide Girl hopeful that really never stood a chance, ever. That's all I have to say about this fight. Dennis "The Menace AKA Worst Nickname Ever" Bermudez Triangle SHOULD be finishing fights with his aggression alone but he's kinda like a smaller Diego Sanchez. Jim Hettes on the other hand has a last name that rhymes with lettuce. So you guys already know where I'm going with this one. Nope ? Yeah, neither do I. Dennis Bermudez Triangle by his signature finishing move the Bermuda Triangle Triangle. Will "My Boner For Sergio Pettis Is Incredible" Crapuzingano vs Justin Scoggins is gonna be badass except I'll totally forget to watch it because I don't have Fart Pass and I'll be busy like...not watching the prelims. Gotta go with Scoggins though. I don't know how. But hopefully it's rad. Or not. Who cares. It's on Fart Pass. That's like the Bermuda Triangle of watching fights. The rest of the fights are useless. I'm out.
Onward To Golgotha
ROBBIE LAWLER IS FIGHTING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. DUDE. WHAT. In 2014 Robbie Lawler is fighting for the UFC belt. Holy shit. And Johny Hendricks misses weight ? Yes, I know he made weight 2 hours later but still. And GSP is retired ? Craziest year ever and we're only in March. Poor Hendricks though, he'll never live his dream of being a champion since Ruthless is going to flying knee his beard off. Or he's going to use his superior boxing technique and still knock off his beard. What ? You're surprised I'm not picking Hendricks ? Deal with it. That's what happens when someone with a beard misses weight. It's insulting to us. You think I've ever missed the 265 pound limit ? Hell no. A steady diet of burritos and pizza and beer keeps me in check. Even better, Nick Diaz is anti-Hendricks too. Don't be scared homie. Lawler by flying knee KO 3rd round.
Tyrone Woodley calling Condit a point fighter...what the fuck. The same guy that had some brutally boring decisions in Strikeforce ? The same guy that lost to Jake Shields when he was supposed to knock him out ? Get out of my life. Saying that the Natural Born Killer of all people is a point fighter ? Umm. No. Not even close son. I ALMOST want Condit to win by boring decision just to spite him but that wouldn't be too fun. What would be awesome is if Condit double flying knee KO's Tyrone in the 1st round. What would be TRIPLE awesome is if Condit and Lawler fight eachother and the only thing they use is flying knees. Oh my god.
Diego Sanchez wearing a Bane mask and doing yoga at the open workouts was amazing but I just can't cheer for someone that misses an impossible amount of punches while shadowboxing in church high on Stevia. But is Miles "Davis" Jury the one that's going to stop Diego's schizophrenic air-punching ? I don't know. Last time I saw him fight was against uhh...Mike Ricci ? Hold on, let me check Wikipedia. Ok yeah, his last win was a split against Mike Ricci. Before that he knocked out somebody and out-grappled Michael "Jordan" Johnson. Does not inspire confidence. Of course Diego lost to Gomi, Kampmann, Melendez, and Ellenberger in his last 4 fights so uhh...yeah I don't know. Myles Davis by decision makes sense cause I doubt he KO's Diego. Ugh this pick is terrible. DIEGO SANCHEZ BY MEXICAN DESTROYING UPPERCUT OF DEATH FUCK LOGIC WAR CHINGASOS.
Fuck Jake Shields. Hector "Oompa Loompa" Lombard better not mess this up by letting Shields bap bap bap his way to a boring 15 minute decision. That'd be the worst. It doesn't matter though, it seems like every time Jake Shields is supposed to lose, he ends up pillow-punching his way to a win. Every time. How does he do it ? How does he bap bap bap his opponents into total hesitation ? I've been punched harder by ghost Pokemon. One time a bird crapped on me harder than a Jake Shields punch. My bowel movements have hit the toilet bowl harder than a Jake Shields punch. Poop poop poop. Lombard by Cuban Missile Crisis.
OSP is fighting the Russian Al "Stephen Graham" Capone. You really expect me to pick against Boardwalk Empire ? Not happening. La Femme Nikita Krylov gonna stomp this momo.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Kelvin Gastelum took 3 dumps to make weight. That's a true champion in my eyes. War Kelvin "Goofiest First Name For A Mexican Ever" Gastelum. Raquel Pennington looks like a Suicide Girl hopeful that really never stood a chance, ever. That's all I have to say about this fight. Dennis "The Menace AKA Worst Nickname Ever" Bermudez Triangle SHOULD be finishing fights with his aggression alone but he's kinda like a smaller Diego Sanchez. Jim Hettes on the other hand has a last name that rhymes with lettuce. So you guys already know where I'm going with this one. Nope ? Yeah, neither do I. Dennis Bermudez Triangle by his signature finishing move the Bermuda Triangle Triangle. Will "My Boner For Sergio Pettis Is Incredible" Crapuzingano vs Justin Scoggins is gonna be badass except I'll totally forget to watch it because I don't have Fart Pass and I'll be busy like...not watching the prelims. Gotta go with Scoggins though. I don't know how. But hopefully it's rad. Or not. Who cares. It's on Fart Pass. That's like the Bermuda Triangle of watching fights. The rest of the fights are useless. I'm out.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
My Picks For UFC 169: Barao vs Faber II
The best time of the year is
here. Fights and beer on Saturday, fights and football and food and more beer on
Sunday. Oh yes. You ready to die ? Let's get down.
Onward To Golgotha
Holy shit did Faber look like a savage in 2013. The mauling he put on Mayday still has me erect. Did the broken rib really hinder him in the first Barao fight ? Uhhh...yeah probably dude. Shit. If I had a broken rib I probably couldn't even eat rolled tacos. But he lasted 25 minutes against another savage. I'm hoping everything comes together for Faber and he can pull off the mammoth update by choking the crooked toothed gremlin Barao. Holy shit we're less then 24 hours from the fight. Oh yes. Faber by cornrows.
Lamas has no chance but he has a nice haircut. That won't save him against Aldoraptor though. Did you see him at the weigh ins ? Fuckin'...looked like a mini Brazilian Overeem n shit. That plays soccer. And has good cardio. So in otherwords, NOT a Brazilian Overeem. Whatever. I'm buzzed and craving rolled tacos because someone mentioned em. I think it was me. Anyways, Aldoraptor by headkick 1st round.
Oh speaking of Overeem, he's getting the most favorable match up possible. Who has a terrible chin ? Frank Mir. Who sucks at using steroids ? Frank Mir. Who has a terrible haircut ? Frank Mir. Actually you could include Overeem in all those questions too though...fuck. Frank Mir IS Overeem ? Overeem IS Frank Mir ? Mind = blown. FRANK MIR DEFEATS FRANK MIR...I MEAN OVEREEM DEFEATS OVEREEM BY....FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHO KNOWS EVERYONE IS EVERYONE WE ALL LOSE SHIT.
John Lineker almost missed weight for like the 5th time ? Thiago Alves and Rumbleweight Johnson are just SMH. In case you didn't know, SMH stands for "so many haters", I mean "shake my head", I mean "suck my horchata". Or something of that nature. All I know is, Lineker sucks at dieting worse than me. And that's pretty bad, cause I don't diet ever. I just drink beer a lot. Do Dagestani's drink beer ? Or vodka ? Probably borscht. Just lots of borscht. I guess that's enough to beat a fat Brazilian. Alia Balrogitonov by borscht.
Jamie Fucking Varner is back on PPV bitches. The pride of Arizona even though Arizona is the worst state ever. He's fighting a dude with the worst Suicide Girl-esque tattoos ever and I think he was even arrested for domestic violence. I hope this prick dies a million times. Can't wait for this fight. Yes, I am genuinely excited for a Varner fight. The Worm by not being a woman beater.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
John "Lazy Eye" Makdessi fighting slow grapplers he can outstrike ? Sign me up all day. Dudes so fun to watch and tomorrow he's going to TKD the shit out of Alan Patrick. Cariaso vs Martinez aka beaner vs beaner aka I really want some rolled tacos. Nick Catone is still in the UFC ? Jesus. Kong Watson by better nickname. Al Iaquinta has a dumb looking last name. Kevin Lee is not related to Bruce Lee so he should change his name immediately. Jeez, so many terrible names on this card. Vanessa Hanson is amazing. And her name is just as amazing. Clint Hester had that sick standing elbow KO. Fuck yeah. Cheering for him forever. "Rashad Evans Magomofedoromevevomomov" by having a sweet ass name. Neil Magny has a rad name though. Gaston Umlautpierogifedormagomedov has a radder name though.
GET MASSIVE PEOPLE. IT'S SUPERBOWL WEEKEND.
Onward To Golgotha
Holy shit did Faber look like a savage in 2013. The mauling he put on Mayday still has me erect. Did the broken rib really hinder him in the first Barao fight ? Uhhh...yeah probably dude. Shit. If I had a broken rib I probably couldn't even eat rolled tacos. But he lasted 25 minutes against another savage. I'm hoping everything comes together for Faber and he can pull off the mammoth update by choking the crooked toothed gremlin Barao. Holy shit we're less then 24 hours from the fight. Oh yes. Faber by cornrows.
Lamas has no chance but he has a nice haircut. That won't save him against Aldoraptor though. Did you see him at the weigh ins ? Fuckin'...looked like a mini Brazilian Overeem n shit. That plays soccer. And has good cardio. So in otherwords, NOT a Brazilian Overeem. Whatever. I'm buzzed and craving rolled tacos because someone mentioned em. I think it was me. Anyways, Aldoraptor by headkick 1st round.
Oh speaking of Overeem, he's getting the most favorable match up possible. Who has a terrible chin ? Frank Mir. Who sucks at using steroids ? Frank Mir. Who has a terrible haircut ? Frank Mir. Actually you could include Overeem in all those questions too though...fuck. Frank Mir IS Overeem ? Overeem IS Frank Mir ? Mind = blown. FRANK MIR DEFEATS FRANK MIR...I MEAN OVEREEM DEFEATS OVEREEM BY....FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHO KNOWS EVERYONE IS EVERYONE WE ALL LOSE SHIT.
John Lineker almost missed weight for like the 5th time ? Thiago Alves and Rumbleweight Johnson are just SMH. In case you didn't know, SMH stands for "so many haters", I mean "shake my head", I mean "suck my horchata". Or something of that nature. All I know is, Lineker sucks at dieting worse than me. And that's pretty bad, cause I don't diet ever. I just drink beer a lot. Do Dagestani's drink beer ? Or vodka ? Probably borscht. Just lots of borscht. I guess that's enough to beat a fat Brazilian. Alia Balrogitonov by borscht.
Jamie Fucking Varner is back on PPV bitches. The pride of Arizona even though Arizona is the worst state ever. He's fighting a dude with the worst Suicide Girl-esque tattoos ever and I think he was even arrested for domestic violence. I hope this prick dies a million times. Can't wait for this fight. Yes, I am genuinely excited for a Varner fight. The Worm by not being a woman beater.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
John "Lazy Eye" Makdessi fighting slow grapplers he can outstrike ? Sign me up all day. Dudes so fun to watch and tomorrow he's going to TKD the shit out of Alan Patrick. Cariaso vs Martinez aka beaner vs beaner aka I really want some rolled tacos. Nick Catone is still in the UFC ? Jesus. Kong Watson by better nickname. Al Iaquinta has a dumb looking last name. Kevin Lee is not related to Bruce Lee so he should change his name immediately. Jeez, so many terrible names on this card. Vanessa Hanson is amazing. And her name is just as amazing. Clint Hester had that sick standing elbow KO. Fuck yeah. Cheering for him forever. "Rashad Evans Magomofedoromevevomomov" by having a sweet ass name. Neil Magny has a rad name though. Gaston Umlautpierogifedormagomedov has a radder name though.
GET MASSIVE PEOPLE. IT'S SUPERBOWL WEEKEND.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
My Picks For UFC Fight Night: The Hunt For Bigfoot
It's Thursday night and I'm getting fully turnt up on beers, chips
and guacamole, and plenty of riffs. In less then 24 hours I get to watch
my favorite fighter of all time, and then chase it with more beers with
rad bros. This weekend will be getting off to a proper start. Hope all
you savages enjoi it too.
Onward To Golgotha
The last time I wrote about Mark Hunt I was fully ready to dye my beard blonde and go Super Samoan mode. I was on top of the world and then around 8pm all that fell apart as The Oceania Super Fighter crumbled from the most unpredictable Lekobuster that ever happened. I didn't even have a reaction. I just sat there. Numb. "...what ? Did that really happen ? Really ? Huh..." and then I went on the rest of my night, shambling around depressed. Not even the Island girl I met up with later that night helped. That moment just killed my enthusiasm. But it's starting to come back knowing that tomorrow night he'll be crushing Bigfoot with another left hook/right uppercut walk-off KO and I'll be flipping couches and getting Samoan tattoos on my forehead. Motherfuckers.
Oh Shogun. What happened brudda ? Was it too many H-Bombs to your handsome face ? Chael Sonnen of all people subbing you in like 3 seconds ? Not dropping to 185 ? When did it go wrong man ? You can tell us. We won't judge you. But now you're fighting James The Tuna. Who the FUCK is that guy ? Has he ever been on the main card of a PPV ? I'm too lazy to check his Wiki but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Why are you fighting low level guys in Australia now ? What the hell man. You're supposed to be fighting Machida for a 4th time at 185 in Brazil or something. Not this, man. Not this. I pray your chin still holds up and your cardio doesn't fail you after flopping on one takedown attempt. Please kill this kid. Please kill this kid by boring decision if you have to. What the fuck. I can't put up with this heartbreak anymore. Shogun by fucking muay thai clinch molestation knees to your fucking face death KO fucking murdering people n shit time to die RIP RIP RIP.
The Hippo by KO. Fuck the dogdick Ryan Bader piece of shit jabroni. He worse than the Miley Cyrus raisindick.
Pat Barry got KO'd by Shawn Jordan. Who is Shawn Jordan you ask ? Some fat white guy with a bad tattoo. Now he's fighting a fat Islander with rad tattoos. Pat Barry is getting like quadruple KO'd this time n shit. Poor kid. Soa Paleleleleleleieielielielieeee by Atomic Buttdrop.
Dylan Andrews appears to be Samoan or Tongan or Maori or something and Clint Hester is currently crying because Nelson Mandela died so Dylan by ROCK BOTTOM ! ROCK BOTTOM !
Hahaha Nam Phan thinks he's going to get away with his bullshit at 135 ? Think again kiddo. Teriyaki Mizugaki is a son of a bitch and he doesn't care what you're good at, he's beating you wherever he wants. You're good at liking Jamie Chung ? He'll propose to her on Instagram and get a million engagement rings wrapped in salmon nigiri. You're good at losing to Leonard Garcia ? Bro, he'll fuckin' lose 1,000,000 times just to beat him 1,000,001 times out of spite. Fuck your life Nam Phan. Get a new fucking haircut bro. Teriyaki Mizugaki by some move from Street Fighter that I'm too lazy to look up.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Did you guys see Bitch Correia try to intimidate Julie Kedzie at the weigh-ins ? My god the douchechills. Julie Kedzie still looks like The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels so she'll be winning by Sweet Chin Music TKO 1st round fuckos. Caio Mglahash looks like the shittiest goblin ever and Nick Ring just plain sucks. No one wins. Justin Scoggins looks like he's a proud Irishman that only drinks Bushmills like a poser. The guy he's fighting looks equally as douchey though so no one wins again. Seriously, the rest of the fights I have no clue who these guys are so I'm going to get back to drinking. Cheers you fucks.
Onward To Golgotha
The last time I wrote about Mark Hunt I was fully ready to dye my beard blonde and go Super Samoan mode. I was on top of the world and then around 8pm all that fell apart as The Oceania Super Fighter crumbled from the most unpredictable Lekobuster that ever happened. I didn't even have a reaction. I just sat there. Numb. "...what ? Did that really happen ? Really ? Huh..." and then I went on the rest of my night, shambling around depressed. Not even the Island girl I met up with later that night helped. That moment just killed my enthusiasm. But it's starting to come back knowing that tomorrow night he'll be crushing Bigfoot with another left hook/right uppercut walk-off KO and I'll be flipping couches and getting Samoan tattoos on my forehead. Motherfuckers.
Oh Shogun. What happened brudda ? Was it too many H-Bombs to your handsome face ? Chael Sonnen of all people subbing you in like 3 seconds ? Not dropping to 185 ? When did it go wrong man ? You can tell us. We won't judge you. But now you're fighting James The Tuna. Who the FUCK is that guy ? Has he ever been on the main card of a PPV ? I'm too lazy to check his Wiki but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Why are you fighting low level guys in Australia now ? What the hell man. You're supposed to be fighting Machida for a 4th time at 185 in Brazil or something. Not this, man. Not this. I pray your chin still holds up and your cardio doesn't fail you after flopping on one takedown attempt. Please kill this kid. Please kill this kid by boring decision if you have to. What the fuck. I can't put up with this heartbreak anymore. Shogun by fucking muay thai clinch molestation knees to your fucking face death KO fucking murdering people n shit time to die RIP RIP RIP.
The Hippo by KO. Fuck the dogdick Ryan Bader piece of shit jabroni. He worse than the Miley Cyrus raisindick.
Pat Barry got KO'd by Shawn Jordan. Who is Shawn Jordan you ask ? Some fat white guy with a bad tattoo. Now he's fighting a fat Islander with rad tattoos. Pat Barry is getting like quadruple KO'd this time n shit. Poor kid. Soa Paleleleleleleieielielielieeee by Atomic Buttdrop.
Dylan Andrews appears to be Samoan or Tongan or Maori or something and Clint Hester is currently crying because Nelson Mandela died so Dylan by ROCK BOTTOM ! ROCK BOTTOM !
Hahaha Nam Phan thinks he's going to get away with his bullshit at 135 ? Think again kiddo. Teriyaki Mizugaki is a son of a bitch and he doesn't care what you're good at, he's beating you wherever he wants. You're good at liking Jamie Chung ? He'll propose to her on Instagram and get a million engagement rings wrapped in salmon nigiri. You're good at losing to Leonard Garcia ? Bro, he'll fuckin' lose 1,000,000 times just to beat him 1,000,001 times out of spite. Fuck your life Nam Phan. Get a new fucking haircut bro. Teriyaki Mizugaki by some move from Street Fighter that I'm too lazy to look up.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Did you guys see Bitch Correia try to intimidate Julie Kedzie at the weigh-ins ? My god the douchechills. Julie Kedzie still looks like The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels so she'll be winning by Sweet Chin Music TKO 1st round fuckos. Caio Mglahash looks like the shittiest goblin ever and Nick Ring just plain sucks. No one wins. Justin Scoggins looks like he's a proud Irishman that only drinks Bushmills like a poser. The guy he's fighting looks equally as douchey though so no one wins again. Seriously, the rest of the fights I have no clue who these guys are so I'm going to get back to drinking. Cheers you fucks.
Friday, November 15, 2013
My Picks For UFC 167: Clean Shaven Canadian Wuss Face vs Beard Bro OR Will Campuzano's Boner
Flexing from all the pizza and beer flowing through my veins right now.
Is there a better combination to raise your machismo levels with ? Doubt
it. Let's discuss tomorrows fights before I pass out from cheese coma.
Onward To Golgotha
I'm praying to the Elder Gods that GSP gets knocked out tomorrow night. I don't know what the fuck you guys are watching but he's bored me to death since the Thiago Alves fight. That's 4 years (four) of shrugging when a fight of his is announced. 6 fights, 25 minutes each, that's like, 150 minutes I coulda spent NOT watching GSP jab jab jab takedown jab jab jab his opponents. I coulda chugged approximately 150 gallons of beer. I coulda ate 150 tons of pizza. But no. I sat on my ass watching GSP be a fucking prude with his fighting style. Fuck that shit bro. Jimmy Hendrix is gonna knock this Canadian wuss boy all the way to his grave in shitty Winnipeg. GSP is the Shocktop/Blue Moon of MMA. Fucking die already. Jimmy Hendrix washes his beard in barrel aged imperial stouts and combs it with bacon wrapped turkey legs. Fuck, I'm starving. What I'm trying to say is, I am sick of GSP crapping up the division and Johny Hendricks by bearded murder.
If Rashad Evans loses it'll be the best set up for the main event. Rashad's looked like dogdick forever (natures GSP) and Chael Sonnen just made Shogun tap. Imagine if Sonnen taps Rashad for the first time in his career ? Bro, I would FREAK OUT. Well not really, but I would clap and post a ton of exclamation points on Facebook. BUHLEE DAT. But on the real, Chael is beating Rashad with his pace alone. He might not do any damage but he'll keep pressure on Rashad the whole time. Who knows, he might even get a late TKO. Probably not. But I'll be excited. Chael by TKO fuck it YOLO.
Oh. Rory Macdonald. He's supposed to excite me ? Fuck off. He's supposed to be the future of MMA ? Fucking die. He's the future of being a total fucking douchebag and never winning a championship ever. Only thing he's good at is looking like a pile of shit in those suits he wears. Sweet personality bro. Robbie Lawler is gonna KO your stupid fucking haircut off forever and then he'll knock out GSP too because why the fuck not. I hate Rory Macdonald.
Oh. Josh Koscheck. You see what I wrote for Rory Macdonald ? Apply it to him too. Fucking hate that piece of shit. Tyrone Woodley is just as bad but whatever. I'm not cheering for anyone. Maybe Vanessa Hanson will hit me up on Instagram tho.
Tim Elliott has the sweetest beard ever but he's fighting a Dagestanian. Dagestan doesn't fuck around bro. Did you see that video of Kebab Nurmy wrestling a BEAR ? Yeah. I don't think Tim Elliott has. Dagestan by bear wrestling.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Think Donald Cerrone will actually fight against Dunham ? Doubt it. When the fight doesn't go his way he gets this look in his eyes, similar to BJ Penn, and you know he's going to lose the fight. Poor guy. Dunham but not having scared weenie eyes. Thales Leites looked pretty good against Tom Watson and I think he'll beat Ed Herman since that dude loves to fight dumb sometimes. Can't believe I'm picking Tall Ladies. Ugh. Rick "Bedtime" Story is abysmal to watch and Ebersole doesn't do enough to get attention from the judges. Bedtime Story might win this one. Yuck. GOYITO POWER CABRONES. He's fighting a guy with the worst facial hair ever so you already know who's winning this one. VIVA MEXICO JABRONIS. Jason High is the raddest dude on Twitter so he wins. Sergio Pettis going up against WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Did you see the weigh ins ? WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION was the best part of it. Worst part ? Sergio Pettis' haircut. Yes, I'm fucking cheering for a literal penis to win this fight. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Gian Villante is still in the UFC ? Wow. Who's Cody Donovan ? Doesn't matter. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION AGAIN.
Time to wash the grease off my face and eat more pizza.
PEACE.
Onward To Golgotha
I'm praying to the Elder Gods that GSP gets knocked out tomorrow night. I don't know what the fuck you guys are watching but he's bored me to death since the Thiago Alves fight. That's 4 years (four) of shrugging when a fight of his is announced. 6 fights, 25 minutes each, that's like, 150 minutes I coulda spent NOT watching GSP jab jab jab takedown jab jab jab his opponents. I coulda chugged approximately 150 gallons of beer. I coulda ate 150 tons of pizza. But no. I sat on my ass watching GSP be a fucking prude with his fighting style. Fuck that shit bro. Jimmy Hendrix is gonna knock this Canadian wuss boy all the way to his grave in shitty Winnipeg. GSP is the Shocktop/Blue Moon of MMA. Fucking die already. Jimmy Hendrix washes his beard in barrel aged imperial stouts and combs it with bacon wrapped turkey legs. Fuck, I'm starving. What I'm trying to say is, I am sick of GSP crapping up the division and Johny Hendricks by bearded murder.
If Rashad Evans loses it'll be the best set up for the main event. Rashad's looked like dogdick forever (natures GSP) and Chael Sonnen just made Shogun tap. Imagine if Sonnen taps Rashad for the first time in his career ? Bro, I would FREAK OUT. Well not really, but I would clap and post a ton of exclamation points on Facebook. BUHLEE DAT. But on the real, Chael is beating Rashad with his pace alone. He might not do any damage but he'll keep pressure on Rashad the whole time. Who knows, he might even get a late TKO. Probably not. But I'll be excited. Chael by TKO fuck it YOLO.
Oh. Rory Macdonald. He's supposed to excite me ? Fuck off. He's supposed to be the future of MMA ? Fucking die. He's the future of being a total fucking douchebag and never winning a championship ever. Only thing he's good at is looking like a pile of shit in those suits he wears. Sweet personality bro. Robbie Lawler is gonna KO your stupid fucking haircut off forever and then he'll knock out GSP too because why the fuck not. I hate Rory Macdonald.
Oh. Josh Koscheck. You see what I wrote for Rory Macdonald ? Apply it to him too. Fucking hate that piece of shit. Tyrone Woodley is just as bad but whatever. I'm not cheering for anyone. Maybe Vanessa Hanson will hit me up on Instagram tho.
Tim Elliott has the sweetest beard ever but he's fighting a Dagestanian. Dagestan doesn't fuck around bro. Did you see that video of Kebab Nurmy wrestling a BEAR ? Yeah. I don't think Tim Elliott has. Dagestan by bear wrestling.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Think Donald Cerrone will actually fight against Dunham ? Doubt it. When the fight doesn't go his way he gets this look in his eyes, similar to BJ Penn, and you know he's going to lose the fight. Poor guy. Dunham but not having scared weenie eyes. Thales Leites looked pretty good against Tom Watson and I think he'll beat Ed Herman since that dude loves to fight dumb sometimes. Can't believe I'm picking Tall Ladies. Ugh. Rick "Bedtime" Story is abysmal to watch and Ebersole doesn't do enough to get attention from the judges. Bedtime Story might win this one. Yuck. GOYITO POWER CABRONES. He's fighting a guy with the worst facial hair ever so you already know who's winning this one. VIVA MEXICO JABRONIS. Jason High is the raddest dude on Twitter so he wins. Sergio Pettis going up against WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Did you see the weigh ins ? WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION was the best part of it. Worst part ? Sergio Pettis' haircut. Yes, I'm fucking cheering for a literal penis to win this fight. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Gian Villante is still in the UFC ? Wow. Who's Cody Donovan ? Doesn't matter. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION AGAIN.
Time to wash the grease off my face and eat more pizza.
PEACE.
Friday, October 25, 2013
My Picks For UFC: Machida vs Munoz aka Sushi vs Lumpia
Well this is a first. Writing these picks in the waiting room at
the car dealership. On my phone of course. No beer, no tunes, no
nothin'. Shit. Let's see what happens.
Onward To Golgotha
Handsome
Machida finally made it down to middleweight. Did y'all see how good he
looked at the weigh ins ? Wowowow. Munoz looked bricked up as usual
though. Won't make a difference because Machida is going to blast that
lumpia rollers dumb Pinoy face off. Ok that sounded a bit racist, well
maybe. You ain't stopping me from saying what I want. Until you've
almost died in a Seafood City parking lot you have no right to
criticize my disdain for Pinoy drivers. If Mark Munoz drives as badly as
he attempts takedowns then you're all in danger of being in a head on
collision while shopping for sisig and adobo. Wow I really went off
track there. Hold up, I can tie this all together: Japanense fighters
are better than Pinoy fighters. Shots fired. Machida is going to
stuff all of Munoz's sloppy takedowns and overhand rights, counter with
step-in knees to the body and finish with a Superjap punch to the brain. Japan by KO 1st round bakas.
I've been sitting here 10 minutes and I already need a beer.
So I was going to write some pretty awesome stuff about the Melvin Guillard/Ross Pearson fight but then I read about Tito injuring his neck for the millionth time and now the Bellator PPV is a total clusterfuck and that's all I care about now. Holy shit. The main event for your first PPV gets injured a week before ? Oh man. It was already a dumb fight to begin with and an even dumber idea to go to PPV but this is just amazing. And now it gets put on free tv. Holy hell. The Universe hates Bellator and Tito. Anyways, Melvin by KO because Nicole Miller of all people blasted Ross Pearson and Melvin is a lot more blacker than Nicole Miller.
Oh no. Oh no. Ryan Jimmo is on the main card against an exciting striker. No. Why would you do that Joe Silva ? Do you hate fun ? Or do you really think Manuwa can KO Jimmo before he turns it into the most boring fight ever ? Ugh. Praying that Manuwa can molest Jimmo as badly as he molested Kyle Kingsbury. I know this is a place for outrageous picks but Jimmo just takes the fun out of anything. Jimmo by super boring decision. Ugh that felt terrible to type. Thanks Canada.
Norman Parke is a proud Chamorro (aka he's Guamanian) so I have to cheer for him because I was in love with a Guamanian girl before and I always keep it fucking real. He's fighting a guy with an absolutely terrible haircut too. So theres that. Chamorro by kelaguen flavored fisting.
Preliminary stream of consciousness:
Alessio Sakara is still in the UFC. Wow. The guy he's fighting looks pretty crappy though. No on wins. Phil "Paul" Harris is fighting a guy that missed weight 3 times (three !!!) already, and he's a goddamn flyweight. Get the fuck out. Never cheer for a cheater. War Philhares. Al Iaquinta beat Ryan Couture so I'll cheer for him forever. Andrew Craig looks like Urijah Faber. That's enough. Rosi Sexton probably makes some badass green curry. I love green curry. Fuck Nicole Miller in the face until the end of time. Andy Ogle sucks but not as badly as Nicole Miller. Jim Hettes is a good guy. I'd hang out with him for sure. The guy he's fighting looks like a royal dick though. War good guy. Michael Kuipers last name pisses me off. Bradley Scott must be boring as fuck to talk to. Everyone loses.
I need a beer.
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