YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IT'S FINALLY HERE !!! ALL CAPS I DON'T CAREEEEEE FFFFFFAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKK. LESNAR VS REEM, CERRONE VS DIAZ, BRITTNEY PALMER VS ARIANNY, FITCH VS THE BEARD, MY BURRITO ADDICTION VS EATING HEALTHY. IT'S GOT EVERYTHING. Ok I need to calm down and focus.
Serenity Now
Guys, I am so pumped for tomorrow. The final UFC of the year with the fattest main event possible. Oh my gosh. Might have to fry up some bacon for the festivities. Probably throw some Glenfiddichlivet in my protein shake and get drunkenly fat swole. What are you guys making ? It better not be healthy.
That'd be so awesome if Michael Schaivello does some guest commentary when Reem gets THE BIG KIBOSHHHHHH. MORE HOOKS THAN A PIRATE CONVENTION. LESNARS TAKEN MORE HITS THAN NICK DIAZ'S BONG. You water-brained marks really think Lesnar is going to beat REEMZILLA ? Come on son. This is a match where anything can and probably will happen, who knows, maybe Lesnar fakes a takedown and blasts REEMTHULHU with a straight right like he did to Heath Herring and knocks him on his ass and Lesnar chases him down and catches an upkick to the face and gets rocked and shit I don't know. There is just absolutely no way I'm picking against RONNIECOLEMANREEM. SANDUSKYREEM gonna stuff Lesnars first 2 takedowns, hit him with a knee to the body, turn Lesnar to the cage and start teeing off with short hooks and uppercuts, Lesnars gonna escape and fumble around and Reem will (in a Mortal Kombat voice) FINISH HIM !!! with a flying knee followed by an ITS GOODNIGHT IREEENNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Ok I have to catch my breath from all that typing. That paragraph seriously took about 23 minutes because I kept trying to come up with new Reem names.
Stockton vs Albuquerque. 209 vs whatever their stupid area code is. Cholo vs Cowboy. The Stockton Slap vs Muay Thai. This is going to be FOTN, possibly FOTY. I'm just expecting a dirty brawl and lots of in-cage shit talking and a crazy, unexpected finish. Normally I'd be picking Diaz all day, Joe Rogan podcast by night but Cerrone has been killing shit lately. That headkick/RNC over Siver, the BOOM BODYSHOT killfest of Aloe Vera, dude is on fire. And I'm expecting more of that tomorrow night. Nate Diaz tends to keep his arms low and he's a slow dude and Cerrone is going to headkick his fucking head off with a kick to the head. I just hope this goes 3 rounds. Full on Thunderdome shenanigans await.
Jon Fitch is an asshole and he posts terrible tweets and his wife is hot but she's a 100% vegan and he shoulda lost that fight to BJ and his walk out music sucks and jesus christ I hate his fighting style. Johny Hendricks is a fucking awesome dude who I would eat Baconators with and groom our beards together and be life buddies and go around bringing awesomeness to non-awesome people. Hendricks by big beard brutality 1st round KO. Fuck you Fitch.
Alexander Gustaffson and Vladimir Matyushenko have way too many letters combined in their names. Gustaffson by lanky ass decision and repping Chula Vista even though Chula Vista sucks.
Nam Phan sucks shit and should not be on the main card. Jim "Iceberg Lettuce" Hettes choked out that fucking doucheface Alex Caceres and he's going to choke out Nam Phan too.
Junior Assuncao tries way too hard to be a tough guy. That dude just oozes douchebaggery. I sincerely hope he gets injured badly in this fight and is forced to retire from MMA and his life goes in a downard spiral to Shitsville, Population: His Monkey Ass. Ross Pearson by a british banger beatdown.
Danny Castillo tends to get headkicked. Nigerian Gangster tends to headkick people. Castillo is a wrestler. Njokuani has no wrestling. Castillo by presumably boring decision/sub.
Stun Gun by shockingly violent elbow flurry TKO in the 2nd round when Pierson gasses from Dongs top control.
I can't stand Volkmann. I really can't stand Escudero. Volkmann by something lame like a split decision and everyone cries that it was controversial even though no one gives a shit about this fight and Volkmann will never be a contender anyways so shut up already.
Matt Riddle is a piece of shit. Luis Ramos by anything.
Really surprised that Gamburyan vs Nunes is the curtain jerker. Figured it'd at least be on the Spike prelims. Thankfully I can't stand Gamburyan and anyone that's an Armenian asshole. Nunes by a very handsome TKO.
Alright, that's it guys. Glad to be back and can't wait for the always epic discussion zone. Oh yeah, I'm back on FB and hating every second.
-Get Fat
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