Sup dudes. Are any of you excited for this card ? Don't say yes. If
you say yes, I'm going to block you from reading these forever and your
life will be a tad more dull. I know I'm not excited for this card.
Imagine if I said yes ? How do you ban yourself from reading your own
fight picks ? Shit just got Inception'd in here. Anyways...
Onward To Golgotha
But
seriously. You guys remember when this card was actually sorta kinda
decent ? I mean Barao was going to sub Wineland and Nog was gonna split
decision Shogun but at least it legitimized streaming the PPV illegally.
Now it's not even worth getting on my computer for. Unless somebody
comes up with a radical plan for tomorrow night I'll probably end up
slumming it with you guys in the discussion zone. I mean I love chatting
with you guys about fights, it's my favorite thing, but jeez...this
card is more depressing then getting snubbed by a girl who said she'd go
on a date with you. *crickets* *douchechills* *crickets with douchechills*
"A RIGHT HAND ! ANOTHER RIGHT HAND ! BWABWABWABWA IT'S OVER !!". EASILY my favorite call by Maura Ranallo. He really should be Hendo's official commentator when a knockout is guaranteed. Too
bad it's not happening tomorrow night because Rashad is gonna run away
for 15 triflin' ass minutes. Oh please MMA gods, please bless us with a
decent fight with some semblance of drama. But Crom has been a
real fucking asshole to me lately so it'll probably end in the first
minute with an eyepoke by Arianny because she's jealous of Brittney
Palmers stupid nutrition company taking off now. Can Brittney Palmer
shut up with her dumb ass nutrition tips on Instagram already ? Jesus
christ that is some overbearing shit. No one cares that you work out
every day, or you do really terrible stencils, just continue to wear
booty shorts and smile. Enough. Hendo by H-Bomb because if Rashad landed an N-Bomb it'd be really uncomfortable.
Oh
Roy Nelson. You racist fucking scumbag. You don't call Daniel Cormier
an Uncle Tom. My god, how fucking stupid can you be ? He's going to
clinch against the cage with you for 15 minutes. Are you man enough to
handle that ? DIDN'T THINK SO. Also, can I use this space to talk about
how christ rapingly ignorant Josh Thomson is ? HOLY. SHIT. Gay
marriage is a gateway drug to pedophilia and bestiality ? Dude...what ?
How did you even. WHAT ?! Seriously ? Are you part of this planet ? Oh
my god. You headkick Nate Diaz's stupid face off and the world loves
you, then you turn around and drip tard slobber all over it. Why would
you EVER say something like that ? You and Roy Nelson can go be useless
fuckbags that no one cares about ever. Let Josh Burkman choke your dumb
ass out forever on some bogus ass World Series Of Farting card. Ugh. Oh I
have to make a pick...umm...Cro Cop Miocic by left headkick because this card sucks anyways and who cares.
Ryan
Jimmo has perpetual duckface. I should pick him to get knocked out
until the universe collapses under the weight of my beard but Igor
Pokerjack has pillowfists so that's not happening. Damnit. Jimmo by decision because Canada.
Shawn
Jordan has some thick legs but they're not as beefy as mine. I'm the
real beefcastle here, don't ever forget it. Pat Barry rules. That's
really all I can say about him, as annoying as he gets sometimes, he
throws every punch at 666% kill power. Can't ever pick against someone that has zero fucks to give. WAR Pat Barry forever.
The
only guy more delusional than Josh Thomson is Jake Shields. Does he
really believe the shit he says ? He's looked like my poop after eating
lots of Sriracha in all of his UFC fights, plus he failed a drug test,
and then thinks he can match Woodley's KO power. HUH ? When has Milquetoast Man
ever shown KO power ? He tried jabbing an apricot in his backyard once
and it bounced back and broke his fucking jaw. Shields just sucks. Tyrone Woodley gonna THROW THEM 'BOWS, THROW THEM 'BOWS. TKO 1st round.
I'm getting tired so it's time for the mandatory prelim stream of consciousness:
Alexis
Davis looks like a slightly cuter version of Sarah Kaufman, I think ? I
don't know. Never seen her right. I only recognize Rosi Sexton's name
from Fighter's Only articles. Heard she should be fighting at 125 too.
Darn. Alexis Davis by sub 1st round. James Krause looks like somebody...damnit. Who ? OH. He kinda looks like a tall Dustin Poirier. War Tall Dustin Poirier. Sam Stout fucking sucks anyways. Sean Pierson is terrible. I hope K-Rob does something to him that makes him bleed and cry and scream a bunch.
Who the fuck is Roland Delorme ? Edwin Figueroa should be fighting at
125 but he's fucking lazy and shoulda been cut by the UFC already.
Uhhh...wow this fights gonna be awkwardly shitty. Can't wait. War nobody. John Maguire finally dropped down to 155 and Mike Dolce needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP. War Maguire. Yves Jabouin can go retire. Thanks. Hope to see you jezebels in the discussion zone tomorrow. PEACE.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Nogueiradamus vs Fabiola Verdumb
Oh shit it's already Friday ? Dude, rad. I'm already pretty hopped up on Sierra Nevada Hoptimum and just trying to figure out which beer to introduce myself to next. What do you guys think ? I could open up the Alesmith Yulesmith, it's only a week old. Decisions...
Onward To Golgotha
It was only two weeks ago when my heart was crushed by Junior Dos Santos' Lekobuster but I've recovered and am back in the swing of things. And surprising enough, this Fuel card is actually decent and should bring back that unbridled enthusiasm I'm used to giving y'all. Ok that's enough crap. Time to get down to brass tacks.
You shouldn't even be reading this if you haven't seen the first fight between Nog and Werdum. Well I guess you can if you're bored on a friday night like me, but still. That fight showed how much of a stud Old Man Nog was back in the day and how much Werdum has improved since then. And it also showed how much the UFC needs Lenne Hardt, because Bruce Buffer does not do Nog's entrance justice. I just wish Old Man Nog was still a stud, cause I foresee my heart also being crushed tomorrow night. Well not really, I was never a diehard Nog fan but seeing him lose to Mir twice and getting MurderDeathKill'd by Velasquez took the fun out of it. Werdum might not MDK Nog but he sure as shit can TKO him. And it's probably happening tomorrow night. Theres no way this fight goes the full 5 rounds. INCONCEIVABLE. Is Nog fast enough to outbox Werdum ? Dude I don't know. I kinda doubt it though. Shit. I'd also be kinda shocked if it goes to the ground at all. Who are you guys picking ? Oh fuck it. PRIDE NEVER DIE. BIG NOG BY KIMURA ALL FUCKING DAY BOZOS.
Thiago Silva is the scariest looking dude not named Wallid Ismael to ever live. He hasn't won a fight in four (4) years so the scariness is slowly slipping away. But like if you were at a bar and you sorta almost cut in front of him to grab the last Stone Brewing Espresso Russian Imperial Stout on cask you might just run the fuck away and leave your girlfriend to fend for herself. I wouldn't run though cause I'm a bad dude also and would protect my girlfriend even if it meant getting a concussion and possibly banned from the bar, but ya know, whatever. Man stuff. Rafael Feijao is also a man, a man that knocks out fuckos with his man hands n shit. He ain't scared. He don't get turnt up. Well actually he probably does, but no ones going to stop him. So all that leaves us with is, who the shit is scary enough to win tomorrow night ? I gotta go with Feijao on this one. Yeah he doesn't pass his drug tests but this is 2013 bro, shit happens. Drugs happen. Whatever. That's what happens when you get turnt up sometimes. Who cares. Feijao by Lekobuster because why not.
Daniel Sarafian is one scary looking beef castle. He's 5'9" and built like a brick shithouse. Eddie Mendez looks like the wimpiest carrot that ever came from Brazil. Using a highly structured method of picking fights I've reached the conclusion that Brick Shithouse beats Wimpy Carrot 100% of the time. War Brazilian Brick Shithouse.
Jason High loves The Wire. Erick Silva is really handsome. Damnit. Who do I pick ? This is too difficult right now. But logic dictates that Erick Silva is such a handsome savage and he usually destroys wrestlers anyways with his handsomeness that Jason High doesn't stand a chance. Sorry dude, but Omar comin' yo. Erick Silva by Lekobuster because this is Brazil. You don't make the rules.
The other 8 fights suck so bad that I'm just going to stream of consciousness it up. Prepare your buttholes people:
Didn't Leo Santos get kicked in the balls really badly in Japan a couple years ago ? That's my only vague memory of him. The guy he's fighting looks like an even more obnoxious Kevin Randleman. War Leo Santos' balls. Rony Jason looks like a super asshole but Mike Wilkinson's face is begging to be smashed in with elbows. War Super Asshole. Raphael Assuncao shouldn't be on the prelims fighting an unranked fighter. Total bullshit. Assuncao by whatever he wants, when he wants, because he's FUCKING Raphael Assncow. Rodrigo Damm looks like Bishop from Aliens. He's fighting a Japanese guy. War Japan. Two guys with names I can't even type are fighting, so they don't count as humans. Caio Magalhaes is a creepy looking guy and Karlos Vemola has a crooked eye. War Crooked Eye ? Anthony Smith's face pisses me way off. Antonio Braga Neto is supposed to be good so I guess I'll pick him. Whatever. I just can't wait to go to the bar tomorrow night. PEACE.
Onward To Golgotha
It was only two weeks ago when my heart was crushed by Junior Dos Santos' Lekobuster but I've recovered and am back in the swing of things. And surprising enough, this Fuel card is actually decent and should bring back that unbridled enthusiasm I'm used to giving y'all. Ok that's enough crap. Time to get down to brass tacks.
You shouldn't even be reading this if you haven't seen the first fight between Nog and Werdum. Well I guess you can if you're bored on a friday night like me, but still. That fight showed how much of a stud Old Man Nog was back in the day and how much Werdum has improved since then. And it also showed how much the UFC needs Lenne Hardt, because Bruce Buffer does not do Nog's entrance justice. I just wish Old Man Nog was still a stud, cause I foresee my heart also being crushed tomorrow night. Well not really, I was never a diehard Nog fan but seeing him lose to Mir twice and getting MurderDeathKill'd by Velasquez took the fun out of it. Werdum might not MDK Nog but he sure as shit can TKO him. And it's probably happening tomorrow night. Theres no way this fight goes the full 5 rounds. INCONCEIVABLE. Is Nog fast enough to outbox Werdum ? Dude I don't know. I kinda doubt it though. Shit. I'd also be kinda shocked if it goes to the ground at all. Who are you guys picking ? Oh fuck it. PRIDE NEVER DIE. BIG NOG BY KIMURA ALL FUCKING DAY BOZOS.
Thiago Silva is the scariest looking dude not named Wallid Ismael to ever live. He hasn't won a fight in four (4) years so the scariness is slowly slipping away. But like if you were at a bar and you sorta almost cut in front of him to grab the last Stone Brewing Espresso Russian Imperial Stout on cask you might just run the fuck away and leave your girlfriend to fend for herself. I wouldn't run though cause I'm a bad dude also and would protect my girlfriend even if it meant getting a concussion and possibly banned from the bar, but ya know, whatever. Man stuff. Rafael Feijao is also a man, a man that knocks out fuckos with his man hands n shit. He ain't scared. He don't get turnt up. Well actually he probably does, but no ones going to stop him. So all that leaves us with is, who the shit is scary enough to win tomorrow night ? I gotta go with Feijao on this one. Yeah he doesn't pass his drug tests but this is 2013 bro, shit happens. Drugs happen. Whatever. That's what happens when you get turnt up sometimes. Who cares. Feijao by Lekobuster because why not.
Daniel Sarafian is one scary looking beef castle. He's 5'9" and built like a brick shithouse. Eddie Mendez looks like the wimpiest carrot that ever came from Brazil. Using a highly structured method of picking fights I've reached the conclusion that Brick Shithouse beats Wimpy Carrot 100% of the time. War Brazilian Brick Shithouse.
Jason High loves The Wire. Erick Silva is really handsome. Damnit. Who do I pick ? This is too difficult right now. But logic dictates that Erick Silva is such a handsome savage and he usually destroys wrestlers anyways with his handsomeness that Jason High doesn't stand a chance. Sorry dude, but Omar comin' yo. Erick Silva by Lekobuster because this is Brazil. You don't make the rules.
The other 8 fights suck so bad that I'm just going to stream of consciousness it up. Prepare your buttholes people:
Didn't Leo Santos get kicked in the balls really badly in Japan a couple years ago ? That's my only vague memory of him. The guy he's fighting looks like an even more obnoxious Kevin Randleman. War Leo Santos' balls. Rony Jason looks like a super asshole but Mike Wilkinson's face is begging to be smashed in with elbows. War Super Asshole. Raphael Assuncao shouldn't be on the prelims fighting an unranked fighter. Total bullshit. Assuncao by whatever he wants, when he wants, because he's FUCKING Raphael Assncow. Rodrigo Damm looks like Bishop from Aliens. He's fighting a Japanese guy. War Japan. Two guys with names I can't even type are fighting, so they don't count as humans. Caio Magalhaes is a creepy looking guy and Karlos Vemola has a crooked eye. War Crooked Eye ? Anthony Smith's face pisses me way off. Antonio Braga Neto is supposed to be good so I guess I'll pick him. Whatever. I just can't wait to go to the bar tomorrow night. PEACE.
Friday, May 24, 2013
My Picks For UFC 160: The Oceania Super Fighter Show
It's almost here. We are 24 hours away from the biggest fight in the
history of face punching. Mark Hunt is fighting for a number one
contenders spot in the UFC in 2013. Holy. Shit. This is real, right ?
This is real life ? Or did I get Inception'd somehow ? Who cares. The
Samoan Monster has been my favorite fighter since I first started
following MMA back in 2007 when Jay Glazer and Frank Trigg hosted a Best
Of Pride show. I was drawn to this stocky islander that had a similar
build to me and was knocking everybody out and then eating all the spam
musubi the universe could provide. He was talented but lackadaisical so
you never got to see him at his 100% best. Then he comes to the UFC and
I'm freaking out, just waiting to watch his debut against Sean McSnorkle
(who ?) and couldn't wait to watch him knock this tall doofus out. Of
course that didn't happen and he ended up getting submitted with a
kimura from guard and I may or may not have cried that night. Then they
match him up with Chris Tuschererererer and once again, he almost
gets submitted with an Americana but he survives and uppercuts that fat
white guys spiked blonde hair off and walks away like he just left the
buffet and they ran out of egg rolls. This was followed up by the Ben Rothwell
fight and you can bet your ass I was scared. A big grappler with a
solid chin ? Oh no. But thank Crom that they were fighting in Denver and
the altitude sapped Rothwell of all his cardio and Hunto was about 2
seconds away from securing an armbar and I almost bench pressed every
sumo wrestler that ever lived. Never been so excited to watch someone
sloppily win a decision but it's goddamn Mark Hunt people. Get it
together. He's my idol. I should really start separating this into
paragraphs but ain't nobody got time for that. And the Cheick Kongo
fight. HA. You sons of bitches actually thought this glass jawed yokel
was gonna wrestle for 15 minutes against Hunt ? DIE A BUNCH OF TIMES YOU
ASSHOLES. You knew it was over once he countered with that left hook
and Kongo went tumbling like the loser he is. Ain't nobody defeating
Hunt in Japan. Especially Stefan Strudel. Stupid bean pole
looking poop head. You guys may or may not have seen my reaction to that
fight (http://youtu.be/czgvrFt4K4E) but you should watch it and feel
the anxiety I felt for those 3 rounds. I guess it's time for a new
paragraph huh ?
SO ANYWAYS I'M KIND OF A BIG MARK HUNT FAN AND THIS IS THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF HIS CAREER AND LIKE I'M SUPER PUMPED AND ANXIOUS AND WOW WOW WOW LET'S DO THIS.
Mark Hunt by first round walk off KO. Or Atomic Buttdrop. Did you guys really expect a different pick from me ? Get real. Yeah I like Dos Santos and of course I was bummed when Cain beat him in the rematch but well, I hope he loses this fight too and gets fired and never fights again. That sounded a bit harsh but whatever. Islander Pride you weenies. Junior is gonna use those jabs to the body but he'll forget he's facing the best counter striker in the UFC and will feel those Spam can fists all over his chin when he gets dropped in the first two minutes. Definitely not getting any sleep tonight. It's going to be a powerful night for all of us. Guamanian Geisha, you better not miss this.
Poor Bigfoot, demolishes Overeem and STILL has no chance against Cain Velasquez. Theres just no way he's improved his speed to avoid the takedown. It's just...no. It's not happening. The only thing that can happen is Cain blowing out both of his knees while walking out to the cage and even then he could probably shoot a double with just his stumps and complete a takedown. Sorry Bigfoot. Cain by TKO 1st round (again).
I'm gonna be honest, I was going to do every fight on this card with the same analysis and unbridled enthusiasm that Mark Hunt recieved, but goddamn if the last two days haven't been absolute piles of shit so I'm just going to stream of consciousness the FUCK out of the rest of the fights.
Here goes:
TJ Grant has an awesome beard and that'll be the deciding factor against Gray Maynard who is actually growing on me, just not for this fight. Sorry bro. KJ Noons still has some of the best hair not named Luke Rockhold but it's not saving him against Cerrone's headkicks. James "The Tuna" Te Huna has a good shot of winning but it'd probably have to be by KO or something cause I think Glover is going to wear this guy down. SHOULD be an awesome fight if they don't clinch n bitch it up. Uhhh...Te Huna by KO because war New Zealand. I can't fucking wait to sleep. Rick Story is such a fucking douche and Mike Pyle is also a douche but he proudly wears the Miguel Torres mullet so fucking WAR Mullet WAR Pyle by TKO 2nd round. Dennis Bermudez had American Psycho Christian Bale hair at the weigh ins. It was pretty goddamn awesome. Max Holloway is too small for being a Hawaiian. Bermudez by returning some video tapes. Colton Smith looks like a major fucking douche. Who's he fighting ? He's probably a douche too. I'll be eating during this fight. Kebab Nurembergdegmogav or whatever is ALSO a douche bag. So fuck him. Abel Trujillo looks like the pinnacle of being a fucking prick BUT he didn't shove his opponent at the weigh ins so WAR Fucking Prick. George Roop can make 135. Ridiculous. Brian Balls is going to knock his ass out to 125 or death. Probably death. Jeremy Stephens is the prototype for being a douchebag prick asshole so like, yeah, he should die. I don't know the name of the guy he's fighting but he can't be as terrible a human being as Jeremy Stephens. War Other Guy. Time for sleep.
P.S. I'll be seeing you at your art show Guamanian Geisha.
SO ANYWAYS I'M KIND OF A BIG MARK HUNT FAN AND THIS IS THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF HIS CAREER AND LIKE I'M SUPER PUMPED AND ANXIOUS AND WOW WOW WOW LET'S DO THIS.
Mark Hunt by first round walk off KO. Or Atomic Buttdrop. Did you guys really expect a different pick from me ? Get real. Yeah I like Dos Santos and of course I was bummed when Cain beat him in the rematch but well, I hope he loses this fight too and gets fired and never fights again. That sounded a bit harsh but whatever. Islander Pride you weenies. Junior is gonna use those jabs to the body but he'll forget he's facing the best counter striker in the UFC and will feel those Spam can fists all over his chin when he gets dropped in the first two minutes. Definitely not getting any sleep tonight. It's going to be a powerful night for all of us. Guamanian Geisha, you better not miss this.
Poor Bigfoot, demolishes Overeem and STILL has no chance against Cain Velasquez. Theres just no way he's improved his speed to avoid the takedown. It's just...no. It's not happening. The only thing that can happen is Cain blowing out both of his knees while walking out to the cage and even then he could probably shoot a double with just his stumps and complete a takedown. Sorry Bigfoot. Cain by TKO 1st round (again).
I'm gonna be honest, I was going to do every fight on this card with the same analysis and unbridled enthusiasm that Mark Hunt recieved, but goddamn if the last two days haven't been absolute piles of shit so I'm just going to stream of consciousness the FUCK out of the rest of the fights.
Here goes:
TJ Grant has an awesome beard and that'll be the deciding factor against Gray Maynard who is actually growing on me, just not for this fight. Sorry bro. KJ Noons still has some of the best hair not named Luke Rockhold but it's not saving him against Cerrone's headkicks. James "The Tuna" Te Huna has a good shot of winning but it'd probably have to be by KO or something cause I think Glover is going to wear this guy down. SHOULD be an awesome fight if they don't clinch n bitch it up. Uhhh...Te Huna by KO because war New Zealand. I can't fucking wait to sleep. Rick Story is such a fucking douche and Mike Pyle is also a douche but he proudly wears the Miguel Torres mullet so fucking WAR Mullet WAR Pyle by TKO 2nd round. Dennis Bermudez had American Psycho Christian Bale hair at the weigh ins. It was pretty goddamn awesome. Max Holloway is too small for being a Hawaiian. Bermudez by returning some video tapes. Colton Smith looks like a major fucking douche. Who's he fighting ? He's probably a douche too. I'll be eating during this fight. Kebab Nurembergdegmogav or whatever is ALSO a douche bag. So fuck him. Abel Trujillo looks like the pinnacle of being a fucking prick BUT he didn't shove his opponent at the weigh ins so WAR Fucking Prick. George Roop can make 135. Ridiculous. Brian Balls is going to knock his ass out to 125 or death. Probably death. Jeremy Stephens is the prototype for being a douchebag prick asshole so like, yeah, he should die. I don't know the name of the guy he's fighting but he can't be as terrible a human being as Jeremy Stephens. War Other Guy. Time for sleep.
P.S. I'll be seeing you at your art show Guamanian Geisha.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
My Picks For UFC on FX: Feetor Belfart vs Dude From Santa Cruz With Great Hair
Just ate a black forest ham with Nutella burrito. Wasn't too bad. Coulda
used a beer with it doe. Maybe a Great Divide Oak Aged Chocolate Yeti
Stout or something. I think I'll pick one of those up tonight. Yeah.
That sounds good. Why am I doing these picks on a Thursday instead of
Friday ? Because I make the rules up in here. Deal with it.
Onward To Golgotha
Man, it's impossible to get pumped for this card. Once Costa Philipoo got injured and Chris Camozzi filled his spot my heart just crumbled. Well not really, but a little anyways. Surprised the main event isn't getting any hype either cause it has the potential to be a really badical fight. Will Belfort be super jacked on TRT ? Of course. Will Rockhold's hair look amazing ? Of course. Will Gleison Tibau gas during the fighter introductions ? Of course. Will Arianny look ridiculous with her no ass compared to every other Brazilian strumpet in the crowd with their hella surra de bundas* ? OF. FUCKING. COURSE.
Ok so raise your hand if you're picking Belfort by BLAZING HAND SPEED KO. My hand is raised. I don't think Rockhold will be able to keep Belfort away with his body kicks and eventually Belfort is going to rush in with a left hook and knock him out cold. That's some K-1 level analysis right there guys. Guy avoids kick, guy punches guy in face, guy wins fight. That's some super technical, analrapist shit right there guys. BET THE HOUSE ON BELFORT. DO IT. FOR JESUS. Belfort by first round KO.
Chris Camozzi is absolutely terrible at all aspects of MMA, BUT, he DOES have the best "stereotypically horrendous fighter tattoos" ever. So much tribal. So. Much. Tribal. He's a terrible tattoo black belt under Pamela Anderson. Oh holy shit I mentioned Pam Anderson in my picks. Wow. That is TRULY next level. And really sets the bar of ridiculousness high for the next batch of picks I do. Shit. Jacare by being a monster. Flying triangleplataarmbar 1st ten seconds.
I fear for Hafael Two Anjos life every time he fights. After Guida (FUCKING GUIDA) broke his jaw and then Gleison Tibau nearly raped it off his face with giant steroid Brock Lesnar implant gorilla fists, I'm surprised he can still chew on Captain Crunch without getting a bunch of concussions. Evan Dunham looked like absolute feces in his last fight against Tibau (that's like the millionth time I've mentioned Tebow in these picks and I'm not even going to discuss his fight) so like, maybe Two Anjos' jaw will survive another onslaught of crunchberries to the dome. I'm a big fan of his muay thai soooo Two Anjos' by headkick jawbreaking KO 2nd round.
Rafael Natal sucks. He's fighting a newcomer. War newcomer.
I'm just gonna breeze through the prelims in a stream of consciousness jumbled mess:
Hacran Dias, I always hear his name but never seen him fight. Too bad he's fighting Lentz N Fence cause he's getting decisioned so hard. Who the fuck is Mike Rio and why isn't Max Cavalera headlining this card. Oh theres Gleison Tibau, I'm really tired of typing his stupid name so I'm skipping his fight. War Paulo Thiago forever even though he's looked so bad in his last like...5 fights at least. Ugh. Yuri Alcantara knocked out whats his face, Ricardo Lamas ? Or am I thinking of another WEC guy ? I don't know. War Yury DA FURY Alanctara anyways. Fabio "Looks Like Mike Patton" Moldynalgas is finally going to get a legit win. War Moldynalgas. Who is Asthma GashNmosh ? He probably sucks. So does John Lineker. Kamikaze Kariaso is probably knocking out Juicy Formiga. That's a shame. Jeremy Larsen sounds like an asshole that would spill your bowl of Captain Crunch. Lucas Martins sounds like his dad used to play tennis AND/OR golf so he wore polo shirts as a baby and got beat up in school every day. Good. He fucking deserved it. Man I'm starving. Later bitches.
*Google it. Get a boner. Don't tell me about your boner though.
Onward To Golgotha
Man, it's impossible to get pumped for this card. Once Costa Philipoo got injured and Chris Camozzi filled his spot my heart just crumbled. Well not really, but a little anyways. Surprised the main event isn't getting any hype either cause it has the potential to be a really badical fight. Will Belfort be super jacked on TRT ? Of course. Will Rockhold's hair look amazing ? Of course. Will Gleison Tibau gas during the fighter introductions ? Of course. Will Arianny look ridiculous with her no ass compared to every other Brazilian strumpet in the crowd with their hella surra de bundas* ? OF. FUCKING. COURSE.
Ok so raise your hand if you're picking Belfort by BLAZING HAND SPEED KO. My hand is raised. I don't think Rockhold will be able to keep Belfort away with his body kicks and eventually Belfort is going to rush in with a left hook and knock him out cold. That's some K-1 level analysis right there guys. Guy avoids kick, guy punches guy in face, guy wins fight. That's some super technical, analrapist shit right there guys. BET THE HOUSE ON BELFORT. DO IT. FOR JESUS. Belfort by first round KO.
Chris Camozzi is absolutely terrible at all aspects of MMA, BUT, he DOES have the best "stereotypically horrendous fighter tattoos" ever. So much tribal. So. Much. Tribal. He's a terrible tattoo black belt under Pamela Anderson. Oh holy shit I mentioned Pam Anderson in my picks. Wow. That is TRULY next level. And really sets the bar of ridiculousness high for the next batch of picks I do. Shit. Jacare by being a monster. Flying triangleplataarmbar 1st ten seconds.
I fear for Hafael Two Anjos life every time he fights. After Guida (FUCKING GUIDA) broke his jaw and then Gleison Tibau nearly raped it off his face with giant steroid Brock Lesnar implant gorilla fists, I'm surprised he can still chew on Captain Crunch without getting a bunch of concussions. Evan Dunham looked like absolute feces in his last fight against Tibau (that's like the millionth time I've mentioned Tebow in these picks and I'm not even going to discuss his fight) so like, maybe Two Anjos' jaw will survive another onslaught of crunchberries to the dome. I'm a big fan of his muay thai soooo Two Anjos' by headkick jawbreaking KO 2nd round.
Rafael Natal sucks. He's fighting a newcomer. War newcomer.
I'm just gonna breeze through the prelims in a stream of consciousness jumbled mess:
Hacran Dias, I always hear his name but never seen him fight. Too bad he's fighting Lentz N Fence cause he's getting decisioned so hard. Who the fuck is Mike Rio and why isn't Max Cavalera headlining this card. Oh theres Gleison Tibau, I'm really tired of typing his stupid name so I'm skipping his fight. War Paulo Thiago forever even though he's looked so bad in his last like...5 fights at least. Ugh. Yuri Alcantara knocked out whats his face, Ricardo Lamas ? Or am I thinking of another WEC guy ? I don't know. War Yury DA FURY Alanctara anyways. Fabio "Looks Like Mike Patton" Moldynalgas is finally going to get a legit win. War Moldynalgas. Who is Asthma GashNmosh ? He probably sucks. So does John Lineker. Kamikaze Kariaso is probably knocking out Juicy Formiga. That's a shame. Jeremy Larsen sounds like an asshole that would spill your bowl of Captain Crunch. Lucas Martins sounds like his dad used to play tennis AND/OR golf so he wore polo shirts as a baby and got beat up in school every day. Good. He fucking deserved it. Man I'm starving. Later bitches.
*Google it. Get a boner. Don't tell me about your boner though.
Friday, April 26, 2013
My Picks For UFC 159: Boner Jams Jones vs Chael "The Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' And Dealin' Son Of A Gun" Sonnen
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!
I'm elbow dropping the Universe in my Ric Flair boxers right now 100 percent sober. That should be the real main event of this card cause who the fuck thinks Sonnen has a chance at beating Jones ? Get outta here. Instead of them fighting, I'm going to elbow drop and knee drop the Octagon for 25 minutes while Brittney Palmer does a really crappy live painting of me and then sells it on Instagram for a million dollars. That's the main event. I should really be drunk while doing these picks cause oh wow this card is terrible. ANYWAYS.
Onward To Golgotha
So done with Chael Sonnen. So done with Jones fighting middleweights instead of legitimate 205'ers. So done with Dana White shoving these terrible matches up our asses and trying to convince us it's a great fight. So done with these allergies. So done with being sober tonight, it's time to get plastered and drunk text everybody. Prepare your buttholes people. Jones by D'arce choke 3rd round. Maybe earlier. Probably earlier. Sonnen is going to throw those terrible Dan Henderson-like inside leg kicks and shoot for doubles all night. Too bad he won't be successful at all cause he'll be shooting from way out. You think he's gonna somehow clinch with Jones and not get dropped on his face ? Get real. This is such a gigantic mismatch. Of course I'll be cheering for Sonnen anyways cause I'm the biggest hypocrite in MMA and I always love a ridiculous upset...it's just not happening this time. Wheres my beer ?
Used to hate Alan Belcher, then he grew on me, now I hate him again. Probably because he fought like turtle turds against Okami and knocked out Paul Harris. Is he going to shock the world and be the first guy to KO Bisping since Hendo ? Probably not. Will Bisping KO Belcher ? Fuck outta here guy. Will this fight be boring ? Bet your sweet ass it will. Man I really need some thai food right now. After I type this pick I'm gonna head out and get thai food. I'm a man of my word. So, Bisping by decision ? I hate doing these safe picks that aren't amusing at all but it's Bisping, and he doesn't inspire confidence. It's not like these are picks I'm betting real money on. Hmm...let's go Belcher by 1st round tornado kick. Fuck it.
Ok I'm back. Just ate some Pad See Ew with peanut sauce and sriracha, chased it down with an Avery Brewing IPA. Feelin' good for the first time today. Fuck yeah. Where we at now ? Oh Roy Nelson vs Cheick Kongo. Uhhh...goddamn Kongo is terrible. Sure he has an amazing body that I wish I had but other than that he's a terrible fighter. Mark Hunt destroyed his chin forever. Roy Nelson's going to destroy it even more. Wish I had more thai food. Gosh it was so good. This fight is either going to end in a KO or 15 minutes of clinching against the cage. I'm hoping for the former. BIG BELLY NELSON BY HOMETOWN BUFFET BREAKFAST SLAM KO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!
Phil Davis, I really, really hope your babies mama is just a lying bitch. If what she says is true, MY GOD MEAN GENE, MY GOD. I'M. GOING. TO. STRANGLE. YOU. HALF. TO. DEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry guys, can't stop with the Ric Flair lines. He's too fucking awesome. Phil Davis being accused of rape isn't though. With that being said, WAR VINNY BANGLADESH ! Or however you pronounce his last name. He's really handsome and...I guess that's it. Vinny by Vinnyplata ? That'd be awesome. Probably gonna be a decision though if Phil wants to stand n bang. Or choke n bang. Fucking rapist. WAR VINNYPLATA 1st ROUND.
BATTLE OF THE REDBEARDS. Jim Miller looks like a SAVAGE with the shave head/big beard combo. Pat Healy has a bigger skull than Tito Ortiz though. So like, that's gotta get him some brownie points too. Won't be enough brownie points to beat Jim Miller though. His cardio is too ridiculous and he's going to outwork Healy and finish with a rear naked in the 3rd round. Bank on it. WAR MILLER BEARD.
I'm not writing up the prelims. I'd rather drink more. PEACE BITCHES.
I'm elbow dropping the Universe in my Ric Flair boxers right now 100 percent sober. That should be the real main event of this card cause who the fuck thinks Sonnen has a chance at beating Jones ? Get outta here. Instead of them fighting, I'm going to elbow drop and knee drop the Octagon for 25 minutes while Brittney Palmer does a really crappy live painting of me and then sells it on Instagram for a million dollars. That's the main event. I should really be drunk while doing these picks cause oh wow this card is terrible. ANYWAYS.
Onward To Golgotha
So done with Chael Sonnen. So done with Jones fighting middleweights instead of legitimate 205'ers. So done with Dana White shoving these terrible matches up our asses and trying to convince us it's a great fight. So done with these allergies. So done with being sober tonight, it's time to get plastered and drunk text everybody. Prepare your buttholes people. Jones by D'arce choke 3rd round. Maybe earlier. Probably earlier. Sonnen is going to throw those terrible Dan Henderson-like inside leg kicks and shoot for doubles all night. Too bad he won't be successful at all cause he'll be shooting from way out. You think he's gonna somehow clinch with Jones and not get dropped on his face ? Get real. This is such a gigantic mismatch. Of course I'll be cheering for Sonnen anyways cause I'm the biggest hypocrite in MMA and I always love a ridiculous upset...it's just not happening this time. Wheres my beer ?
Used to hate Alan Belcher, then he grew on me, now I hate him again. Probably because he fought like turtle turds against Okami and knocked out Paul Harris. Is he going to shock the world and be the first guy to KO Bisping since Hendo ? Probably not. Will Bisping KO Belcher ? Fuck outta here guy. Will this fight be boring ? Bet your sweet ass it will. Man I really need some thai food right now. After I type this pick I'm gonna head out and get thai food. I'm a man of my word. So, Bisping by decision ? I hate doing these safe picks that aren't amusing at all but it's Bisping, and he doesn't inspire confidence. It's not like these are picks I'm betting real money on. Hmm...let's go Belcher by 1st round tornado kick. Fuck it.
Ok I'm back. Just ate some Pad See Ew with peanut sauce and sriracha, chased it down with an Avery Brewing IPA. Feelin' good for the first time today. Fuck yeah. Where we at now ? Oh Roy Nelson vs Cheick Kongo. Uhhh...goddamn Kongo is terrible. Sure he has an amazing body that I wish I had but other than that he's a terrible fighter. Mark Hunt destroyed his chin forever. Roy Nelson's going to destroy it even more. Wish I had more thai food. Gosh it was so good. This fight is either going to end in a KO or 15 minutes of clinching against the cage. I'm hoping for the former. BIG BELLY NELSON BY HOMETOWN BUFFET BREAKFAST SLAM KO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!
Phil Davis, I really, really hope your babies mama is just a lying bitch. If what she says is true, MY GOD MEAN GENE, MY GOD. I'M. GOING. TO. STRANGLE. YOU. HALF. TO. DEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry guys, can't stop with the Ric Flair lines. He's too fucking awesome. Phil Davis being accused of rape isn't though. With that being said, WAR VINNY BANGLADESH ! Or however you pronounce his last name. He's really handsome and...I guess that's it. Vinny by Vinnyplata ? That'd be awesome. Probably gonna be a decision though if Phil wants to stand n bang. Or choke n bang. Fucking rapist. WAR VINNYPLATA 1st ROUND.
BATTLE OF THE REDBEARDS. Jim Miller looks like a SAVAGE with the shave head/big beard combo. Pat Healy has a bigger skull than Tito Ortiz though. So like, that's gotta get him some brownie points too. Won't be enough brownie points to beat Jim Miller though. His cardio is too ridiculous and he's going to outwork Healy and finish with a rear naked in the 3rd round. Bank on it. WAR MILLER BEARD.
I'm not writing up the prelims. I'd rather drink more. PEACE BITCHES.
Friday, April 19, 2013
My Picks For UFC On Fox: Benderson's Amazing Legs vs The World
I'm on my game tonight you harlots. Watching the Pride 2006 Open Weight
GP, listening to Indian, eating hot cheetos, feelin' pretty good even
though this head cold is trying to take the fun out of the weekend. You
strumpets better be pumped up for an amazing free card that's stacked
from top to bottom. I'll also be pretty drunk by 5pm so shits getting
rowdy in the discussion zone.
Onward To Golgotha
Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.
Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.
WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.
Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.
Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.
Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.
Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.
Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.
Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.
Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.
Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.
Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.
Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.
*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.
Onward To Golgotha
Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.
Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.
WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.
Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.
Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.
Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.
Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.
Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.
Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.
Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.
Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.
Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.
Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.
*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.
Friday, February 22, 2013
My Picks For UFC 157: The Japanese Caterpillar vs Hiroshima Hendo
What's up you
savages. Just ate a fat dinner and now I'm riding this buzz brought to
you by the Ommegang brewery. I wish there was more than 4 fights on this
card that I cared about but we'll make the best of it. Time to grind.
Onward To Golgotha
Rickson by armbar.
Ok now that we got the Ronda analysis out of the way, let's get to the REAL main event. This fight should be 5 rounds. 5 rounds so I can have a 25 minute raging erection in anticipation of an H-Bomb or a Crane Kick KO. This is going to bring the ultra violence. I can just feel it in my balls. Hendo shouldn't be ale to land anything on Machida but anything is possible and oh my gosh the tension will be so thick. Of course the Los Angeles crowd will be booing cause they're a bunch of assholecuntbastarddicks but I'm getting off point. Who do I think is going to win ? Machida. My gut is going with Machida and I feel like he can be the first to knock out Hendo with a beautiful counter. Hendo throwing that dumb inside leg kick and then throwing his weight and overhand right on to Machida's chin would be fucking amazing though. Brain: Machida. Heart: Hendo.
So tired of seeing Faber fight. I'd prefer if he just went to Bellator and fought Eduardo Dantas a bunch of times instead of clogging up the main cards with his butt chin. Dudes on the decline. That being said, The Pride Of El Salvador is getting decision'd like a motherfucker in this fight. Pinche pobrecito. I don't think Menjivar has the power to KO Faber and he certainly won't submit him. He might just go for infinite spinning back fists though and score the second biggest upset of the year. Who knows. That actually sounds good, Menjivar by spinning back fist KO 1st round. Death to butt chins.
Court Mcgee and Josh Neer are on the main card of a PPV in 2013. Yeah. Fuck MMA.
Did you see Kos' hair at the weigh ins ? What the fuck man. Robbie Lawler doesn't have ridiculous hair. He wins by flying knee KO late 1st round. Fuck it.
Don't understand how Lavar "Big Penis" Johnson and Brenda Slob weren't on the main card. The fuck. Thank god Slob is getting knocked out fast and I'll be drunk by then so that'll enhance the experience x666. Big Penis by big floppy ko.
I swear to god this card better be fucking exciting. On paper it looks like absolute shit. Anyways, enjoy your friday night you savages and join me in the Discussion Zone tomorrow.
Onward To Golgotha
Rickson by armbar.
Ok now that we got the Ronda analysis out of the way, let's get to the REAL main event. This fight should be 5 rounds. 5 rounds so I can have a 25 minute raging erection in anticipation of an H-Bomb or a Crane Kick KO. This is going to bring the ultra violence. I can just feel it in my balls. Hendo shouldn't be ale to land anything on Machida but anything is possible and oh my gosh the tension will be so thick. Of course the Los Angeles crowd will be booing cause they're a bunch of assholecuntbastarddicks but I'm getting off point. Who do I think is going to win ? Machida. My gut is going with Machida and I feel like he can be the first to knock out Hendo with a beautiful counter. Hendo throwing that dumb inside leg kick and then throwing his weight and overhand right on to Machida's chin would be fucking amazing though. Brain: Machida. Heart: Hendo.
So tired of seeing Faber fight. I'd prefer if he just went to Bellator and fought Eduardo Dantas a bunch of times instead of clogging up the main cards with his butt chin. Dudes on the decline. That being said, The Pride Of El Salvador is getting decision'd like a motherfucker in this fight. Pinche pobrecito. I don't think Menjivar has the power to KO Faber and he certainly won't submit him. He might just go for infinite spinning back fists though and score the second biggest upset of the year. Who knows. That actually sounds good, Menjivar by spinning back fist KO 1st round. Death to butt chins.
Court Mcgee and Josh Neer are on the main card of a PPV in 2013. Yeah. Fuck MMA.
Did you see Kos' hair at the weigh ins ? What the fuck man. Robbie Lawler doesn't have ridiculous hair. He wins by flying knee KO late 1st round. Fuck it.
Don't understand how Lavar "Big Penis" Johnson and Brenda Slob weren't on the main card. The fuck. Thank god Slob is getting knocked out fast and I'll be drunk by then so that'll enhance the experience x666. Big Penis by big floppy ko.
I swear to god this card better be fucking exciting. On paper it looks like absolute shit. Anyways, enjoy your friday night you savages and join me in the Discussion Zone tomorrow.
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