It's almost here. We are 24 hours away from the biggest fight in the
history of face punching. Mark Hunt is fighting for a number one
contenders spot in the UFC in 2013. Holy. Shit. This is real, right ?
This is real life ? Or did I get Inception'd somehow ? Who cares. The
Samoan Monster has been my favorite fighter since I first started
following MMA back in 2007 when Jay Glazer and Frank Trigg hosted a Best
Of Pride show. I was drawn to this stocky islander that had a similar
build to me and was knocking everybody out and then eating all the spam
musubi the universe could provide. He was talented but lackadaisical so
you never got to see him at his 100% best. Then he comes to the UFC and
I'm freaking out, just waiting to watch his debut against Sean McSnorkle
(who ?) and couldn't wait to watch him knock this tall doofus out. Of
course that didn't happen and he ended up getting submitted with a
kimura from guard and I may or may not have cried that night. Then they
match him up with Chris Tuschererererer and once again, he almost
gets submitted with an Americana but he survives and uppercuts that fat
white guys spiked blonde hair off and walks away like he just left the
buffet and they ran out of egg rolls. This was followed up by the Ben Rothwell
fight and you can bet your ass I was scared. A big grappler with a
solid chin ? Oh no. But thank Crom that they were fighting in Denver and
the altitude sapped Rothwell of all his cardio and Hunto was about 2
seconds away from securing an armbar and I almost bench pressed every
sumo wrestler that ever lived. Never been so excited to watch someone
sloppily win a decision but it's goddamn Mark Hunt people. Get it
together. He's my idol. I should really start separating this into
paragraphs but ain't nobody got time for that. And the Cheick Kongo
fight. HA. You sons of bitches actually thought this glass jawed yokel
was gonna wrestle for 15 minutes against Hunt ? DIE A BUNCH OF TIMES YOU
ASSHOLES. You knew it was over once he countered with that left hook
and Kongo went tumbling like the loser he is. Ain't nobody defeating
Hunt in Japan. Especially Stefan Strudel. Stupid bean pole
looking poop head. You guys may or may not have seen my reaction to that
fight (http://youtu.be/czgvrFt4K4E) but you should watch it and feel
the anxiety I felt for those 3 rounds. I guess it's time for a new
paragraph huh ?
SO ANYWAYS I'M KIND OF A BIG MARK HUNT
FAN AND THIS IS THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF HIS CAREER AND LIKE I'M SUPER
PUMPED AND ANXIOUS AND WOW WOW WOW LET'S DO THIS.
Mark Hunt by first round walk off KO. Or Atomic Buttdrop.
Did you guys really expect a different pick from me ? Get real. Yeah I
like Dos Santos and of course I was bummed when Cain beat him in the
rematch but well, I hope he loses this fight too and gets fired and
never fights again. That sounded a bit harsh but whatever. Islander Pride you
weenies. Junior is gonna use those jabs to the body but he'll forget
he's facing the best counter striker in the UFC and will feel those Spam
can fists all over his chin when he gets dropped in the first two
minutes. Definitely not getting any sleep tonight. It's going to be a
powerful night for all of us. Guamanian Geisha, you better not miss this.
Poor
Bigfoot, demolishes Overeem and STILL has no chance against Cain
Velasquez. Theres just no way he's improved his speed to avoid the
takedown. It's just...no. It's not happening. The only thing that can
happen is Cain blowing out both of his knees while walking out to the
cage and even then he could probably shoot a double with just his stumps
and complete a takedown. Sorry Bigfoot. Cain by TKO 1st round (again).
I'm
gonna be honest, I was going to do every fight on this card with the
same analysis and unbridled enthusiasm that Mark Hunt recieved, but
goddamn if the last two days haven't been absolute piles of shit so I'm just going to stream of consciousness the FUCK out of the rest of the fights.
Here goes:
TJ Grant has an awesome beard
and that'll be the deciding factor against Gray Maynard who is actually
growing on me, just not for this fight. Sorry bro. KJ Noons still has
some of the best hair not named Luke Rockhold but it's not saving him
against Cerrone's headkicks. James "The Tuna" Te Huna has a good
shot of winning but it'd probably have to be by KO or something cause I
think Glover is going to wear this guy down. SHOULD be an awesome fight
if they don't clinch n bitch it up. Uhhh...Te Huna by KO because war New Zealand. I can't fucking wait to sleep. Rick Story is such a fucking douche and Mike Pyle is also a douche but he proudly wears the Miguel Torres mullet so fucking WAR Mullet WAR Pyle by TKO 2nd round. Dennis Bermudez had American Psycho Christian Bale hair at the weigh ins. It was pretty goddamn awesome. Max Holloway is too small for being a Hawaiian. Bermudez by returning some video tapes. Colton Smith looks like a major fucking douche. Who's he fighting ? He's probably a douche too. I'll be eating during this fight.
Kebab Nurembergdegmogav or whatever is ALSO a douche bag. So fuck him.
Abel Trujillo looks like the pinnacle of being a fucking prick BUT he
didn't shove his opponent at the weigh ins so WAR Fucking Prick. George Roop can make 135. Ridiculous. Brian Balls is going to knock his ass out to 125 or death.
Probably death. Jeremy Stephens is the prototype for being a douchebag
prick asshole so like, yeah, he should die. I don't know the name of the
guy he's fighting but he can't be as terrible a human being as Jeremy
Stephens. War Other Guy. Time for sleep.
P.S. I'll be seeing you at your art show Guamanian Geisha.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
My Picks For UFC on FX: Feetor Belfart vs Dude From Santa Cruz With Great Hair
Just ate a black forest ham with Nutella burrito. Wasn't too bad. Coulda
used a beer with it doe. Maybe a Great Divide Oak Aged Chocolate Yeti
Stout or something. I think I'll pick one of those up tonight. Yeah.
That sounds good. Why am I doing these picks on a Thursday instead of
Friday ? Because I make the rules up in here. Deal with it.
Onward To Golgotha
Man, it's impossible to get pumped for this card. Once Costa Philipoo got injured and Chris Camozzi filled his spot my heart just crumbled. Well not really, but a little anyways. Surprised the main event isn't getting any hype either cause it has the potential to be a really badical fight. Will Belfort be super jacked on TRT ? Of course. Will Rockhold's hair look amazing ? Of course. Will Gleison Tibau gas during the fighter introductions ? Of course. Will Arianny look ridiculous with her no ass compared to every other Brazilian strumpet in the crowd with their hella surra de bundas* ? OF. FUCKING. COURSE.
Ok so raise your hand if you're picking Belfort by BLAZING HAND SPEED KO. My hand is raised. I don't think Rockhold will be able to keep Belfort away with his body kicks and eventually Belfort is going to rush in with a left hook and knock him out cold. That's some K-1 level analysis right there guys. Guy avoids kick, guy punches guy in face, guy wins fight. That's some super technical, analrapist shit right there guys. BET THE HOUSE ON BELFORT. DO IT. FOR JESUS. Belfort by first round KO.
Chris Camozzi is absolutely terrible at all aspects of MMA, BUT, he DOES have the best "stereotypically horrendous fighter tattoos" ever. So much tribal. So. Much. Tribal. He's a terrible tattoo black belt under Pamela Anderson. Oh holy shit I mentioned Pam Anderson in my picks. Wow. That is TRULY next level. And really sets the bar of ridiculousness high for the next batch of picks I do. Shit. Jacare by being a monster. Flying triangleplataarmbar 1st ten seconds.
I fear for Hafael Two Anjos life every time he fights. After Guida (FUCKING GUIDA) broke his jaw and then Gleison Tibau nearly raped it off his face with giant steroid Brock Lesnar implant gorilla fists, I'm surprised he can still chew on Captain Crunch without getting a bunch of concussions. Evan Dunham looked like absolute feces in his last fight against Tibau (that's like the millionth time I've mentioned Tebow in these picks and I'm not even going to discuss his fight) so like, maybe Two Anjos' jaw will survive another onslaught of crunchberries to the dome. I'm a big fan of his muay thai soooo Two Anjos' by headkick jawbreaking KO 2nd round.
Rafael Natal sucks. He's fighting a newcomer. War newcomer.
I'm just gonna breeze through the prelims in a stream of consciousness jumbled mess:
Hacran Dias, I always hear his name but never seen him fight. Too bad he's fighting Lentz N Fence cause he's getting decisioned so hard. Who the fuck is Mike Rio and why isn't Max Cavalera headlining this card. Oh theres Gleison Tibau, I'm really tired of typing his stupid name so I'm skipping his fight. War Paulo Thiago forever even though he's looked so bad in his last like...5 fights at least. Ugh. Yuri Alcantara knocked out whats his face, Ricardo Lamas ? Or am I thinking of another WEC guy ? I don't know. War Yury DA FURY Alanctara anyways. Fabio "Looks Like Mike Patton" Moldynalgas is finally going to get a legit win. War Moldynalgas. Who is Asthma GashNmosh ? He probably sucks. So does John Lineker. Kamikaze Kariaso is probably knocking out Juicy Formiga. That's a shame. Jeremy Larsen sounds like an asshole that would spill your bowl of Captain Crunch. Lucas Martins sounds like his dad used to play tennis AND/OR golf so he wore polo shirts as a baby and got beat up in school every day. Good. He fucking deserved it. Man I'm starving. Later bitches.
*Google it. Get a boner. Don't tell me about your boner though.
Onward To Golgotha
Man, it's impossible to get pumped for this card. Once Costa Philipoo got injured and Chris Camozzi filled his spot my heart just crumbled. Well not really, but a little anyways. Surprised the main event isn't getting any hype either cause it has the potential to be a really badical fight. Will Belfort be super jacked on TRT ? Of course. Will Rockhold's hair look amazing ? Of course. Will Gleison Tibau gas during the fighter introductions ? Of course. Will Arianny look ridiculous with her no ass compared to every other Brazilian strumpet in the crowd with their hella surra de bundas* ? OF. FUCKING. COURSE.
Ok so raise your hand if you're picking Belfort by BLAZING HAND SPEED KO. My hand is raised. I don't think Rockhold will be able to keep Belfort away with his body kicks and eventually Belfort is going to rush in with a left hook and knock him out cold. That's some K-1 level analysis right there guys. Guy avoids kick, guy punches guy in face, guy wins fight. That's some super technical, analrapist shit right there guys. BET THE HOUSE ON BELFORT. DO IT. FOR JESUS. Belfort by first round KO.
Chris Camozzi is absolutely terrible at all aspects of MMA, BUT, he DOES have the best "stereotypically horrendous fighter tattoos" ever. So much tribal. So. Much. Tribal. He's a terrible tattoo black belt under Pamela Anderson. Oh holy shit I mentioned Pam Anderson in my picks. Wow. That is TRULY next level. And really sets the bar of ridiculousness high for the next batch of picks I do. Shit. Jacare by being a monster. Flying triangleplataarmbar 1st ten seconds.
I fear for Hafael Two Anjos life every time he fights. After Guida (FUCKING GUIDA) broke his jaw and then Gleison Tibau nearly raped it off his face with giant steroid Brock Lesnar implant gorilla fists, I'm surprised he can still chew on Captain Crunch without getting a bunch of concussions. Evan Dunham looked like absolute feces in his last fight against Tibau (that's like the millionth time I've mentioned Tebow in these picks and I'm not even going to discuss his fight) so like, maybe Two Anjos' jaw will survive another onslaught of crunchberries to the dome. I'm a big fan of his muay thai soooo Two Anjos' by headkick jawbreaking KO 2nd round.
Rafael Natal sucks. He's fighting a newcomer. War newcomer.
I'm just gonna breeze through the prelims in a stream of consciousness jumbled mess:
Hacran Dias, I always hear his name but never seen him fight. Too bad he's fighting Lentz N Fence cause he's getting decisioned so hard. Who the fuck is Mike Rio and why isn't Max Cavalera headlining this card. Oh theres Gleison Tibau, I'm really tired of typing his stupid name so I'm skipping his fight. War Paulo Thiago forever even though he's looked so bad in his last like...5 fights at least. Ugh. Yuri Alcantara knocked out whats his face, Ricardo Lamas ? Or am I thinking of another WEC guy ? I don't know. War Yury DA FURY Alanctara anyways. Fabio "Looks Like Mike Patton" Moldynalgas is finally going to get a legit win. War Moldynalgas. Who is Asthma GashNmosh ? He probably sucks. So does John Lineker. Kamikaze Kariaso is probably knocking out Juicy Formiga. That's a shame. Jeremy Larsen sounds like an asshole that would spill your bowl of Captain Crunch. Lucas Martins sounds like his dad used to play tennis AND/OR golf so he wore polo shirts as a baby and got beat up in school every day. Good. He fucking deserved it. Man I'm starving. Later bitches.
*Google it. Get a boner. Don't tell me about your boner though.
Friday, April 26, 2013
My Picks For UFC 159: Boner Jams Jones vs Chael "The Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' And Dealin' Son Of A Gun" Sonnen
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!
I'm elbow dropping the Universe in my Ric Flair boxers right now 100 percent sober. That should be the real main event of this card cause who the fuck thinks Sonnen has a chance at beating Jones ? Get outta here. Instead of them fighting, I'm going to elbow drop and knee drop the Octagon for 25 minutes while Brittney Palmer does a really crappy live painting of me and then sells it on Instagram for a million dollars. That's the main event. I should really be drunk while doing these picks cause oh wow this card is terrible. ANYWAYS.
Onward To Golgotha
So done with Chael Sonnen. So done with Jones fighting middleweights instead of legitimate 205'ers. So done with Dana White shoving these terrible matches up our asses and trying to convince us it's a great fight. So done with these allergies. So done with being sober tonight, it's time to get plastered and drunk text everybody. Prepare your buttholes people. Jones by D'arce choke 3rd round. Maybe earlier. Probably earlier. Sonnen is going to throw those terrible Dan Henderson-like inside leg kicks and shoot for doubles all night. Too bad he won't be successful at all cause he'll be shooting from way out. You think he's gonna somehow clinch with Jones and not get dropped on his face ? Get real. This is such a gigantic mismatch. Of course I'll be cheering for Sonnen anyways cause I'm the biggest hypocrite in MMA and I always love a ridiculous upset...it's just not happening this time. Wheres my beer ?
Used to hate Alan Belcher, then he grew on me, now I hate him again. Probably because he fought like turtle turds against Okami and knocked out Paul Harris. Is he going to shock the world and be the first guy to KO Bisping since Hendo ? Probably not. Will Bisping KO Belcher ? Fuck outta here guy. Will this fight be boring ? Bet your sweet ass it will. Man I really need some thai food right now. After I type this pick I'm gonna head out and get thai food. I'm a man of my word. So, Bisping by decision ? I hate doing these safe picks that aren't amusing at all but it's Bisping, and he doesn't inspire confidence. It's not like these are picks I'm betting real money on. Hmm...let's go Belcher by 1st round tornado kick. Fuck it.
Ok I'm back. Just ate some Pad See Ew with peanut sauce and sriracha, chased it down with an Avery Brewing IPA. Feelin' good for the first time today. Fuck yeah. Where we at now ? Oh Roy Nelson vs Cheick Kongo. Uhhh...goddamn Kongo is terrible. Sure he has an amazing body that I wish I had but other than that he's a terrible fighter. Mark Hunt destroyed his chin forever. Roy Nelson's going to destroy it even more. Wish I had more thai food. Gosh it was so good. This fight is either going to end in a KO or 15 minutes of clinching against the cage. I'm hoping for the former. BIG BELLY NELSON BY HOMETOWN BUFFET BREAKFAST SLAM KO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!
Phil Davis, I really, really hope your babies mama is just a lying bitch. If what she says is true, MY GOD MEAN GENE, MY GOD. I'M. GOING. TO. STRANGLE. YOU. HALF. TO. DEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry guys, can't stop with the Ric Flair lines. He's too fucking awesome. Phil Davis being accused of rape isn't though. With that being said, WAR VINNY BANGLADESH ! Or however you pronounce his last name. He's really handsome and...I guess that's it. Vinny by Vinnyplata ? That'd be awesome. Probably gonna be a decision though if Phil wants to stand n bang. Or choke n bang. Fucking rapist. WAR VINNYPLATA 1st ROUND.
BATTLE OF THE REDBEARDS. Jim Miller looks like a SAVAGE with the shave head/big beard combo. Pat Healy has a bigger skull than Tito Ortiz though. So like, that's gotta get him some brownie points too. Won't be enough brownie points to beat Jim Miller though. His cardio is too ridiculous and he's going to outwork Healy and finish with a rear naked in the 3rd round. Bank on it. WAR MILLER BEARD.
I'm not writing up the prelims. I'd rather drink more. PEACE BITCHES.
I'm elbow dropping the Universe in my Ric Flair boxers right now 100 percent sober. That should be the real main event of this card cause who the fuck thinks Sonnen has a chance at beating Jones ? Get outta here. Instead of them fighting, I'm going to elbow drop and knee drop the Octagon for 25 minutes while Brittney Palmer does a really crappy live painting of me and then sells it on Instagram for a million dollars. That's the main event. I should really be drunk while doing these picks cause oh wow this card is terrible. ANYWAYS.
Onward To Golgotha
So done with Chael Sonnen. So done with Jones fighting middleweights instead of legitimate 205'ers. So done with Dana White shoving these terrible matches up our asses and trying to convince us it's a great fight. So done with these allergies. So done with being sober tonight, it's time to get plastered and drunk text everybody. Prepare your buttholes people. Jones by D'arce choke 3rd round. Maybe earlier. Probably earlier. Sonnen is going to throw those terrible Dan Henderson-like inside leg kicks and shoot for doubles all night. Too bad he won't be successful at all cause he'll be shooting from way out. You think he's gonna somehow clinch with Jones and not get dropped on his face ? Get real. This is such a gigantic mismatch. Of course I'll be cheering for Sonnen anyways cause I'm the biggest hypocrite in MMA and I always love a ridiculous upset...it's just not happening this time. Wheres my beer ?
Used to hate Alan Belcher, then he grew on me, now I hate him again. Probably because he fought like turtle turds against Okami and knocked out Paul Harris. Is he going to shock the world and be the first guy to KO Bisping since Hendo ? Probably not. Will Bisping KO Belcher ? Fuck outta here guy. Will this fight be boring ? Bet your sweet ass it will. Man I really need some thai food right now. After I type this pick I'm gonna head out and get thai food. I'm a man of my word. So, Bisping by decision ? I hate doing these safe picks that aren't amusing at all but it's Bisping, and he doesn't inspire confidence. It's not like these are picks I'm betting real money on. Hmm...let's go Belcher by 1st round tornado kick. Fuck it.
Ok I'm back. Just ate some Pad See Ew with peanut sauce and sriracha, chased it down with an Avery Brewing IPA. Feelin' good for the first time today. Fuck yeah. Where we at now ? Oh Roy Nelson vs Cheick Kongo. Uhhh...goddamn Kongo is terrible. Sure he has an amazing body that I wish I had but other than that he's a terrible fighter. Mark Hunt destroyed his chin forever. Roy Nelson's going to destroy it even more. Wish I had more thai food. Gosh it was so good. This fight is either going to end in a KO or 15 minutes of clinching against the cage. I'm hoping for the former. BIG BELLY NELSON BY HOMETOWN BUFFET BREAKFAST SLAM KO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!
Phil Davis, I really, really hope your babies mama is just a lying bitch. If what she says is true, MY GOD MEAN GENE, MY GOD. I'M. GOING. TO. STRANGLE. YOU. HALF. TO. DEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry guys, can't stop with the Ric Flair lines. He's too fucking awesome. Phil Davis being accused of rape isn't though. With that being said, WAR VINNY BANGLADESH ! Or however you pronounce his last name. He's really handsome and...I guess that's it. Vinny by Vinnyplata ? That'd be awesome. Probably gonna be a decision though if Phil wants to stand n bang. Or choke n bang. Fucking rapist. WAR VINNYPLATA 1st ROUND.
BATTLE OF THE REDBEARDS. Jim Miller looks like a SAVAGE with the shave head/big beard combo. Pat Healy has a bigger skull than Tito Ortiz though. So like, that's gotta get him some brownie points too. Won't be enough brownie points to beat Jim Miller though. His cardio is too ridiculous and he's going to outwork Healy and finish with a rear naked in the 3rd round. Bank on it. WAR MILLER BEARD.
I'm not writing up the prelims. I'd rather drink more. PEACE BITCHES.
Friday, April 19, 2013
My Picks For UFC On Fox: Benderson's Amazing Legs vs The World
I'm on my game tonight you harlots. Watching the Pride 2006 Open Weight
GP, listening to Indian, eating hot cheetos, feelin' pretty good even
though this head cold is trying to take the fun out of the weekend. You
strumpets better be pumped up for an amazing free card that's stacked
from top to bottom. I'll also be pretty drunk by 5pm so shits getting
rowdy in the discussion zone.
Onward To Golgotha
Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.
Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.
WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.
Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.
Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.
Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.
Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.
Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.
Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.
Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.
Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.
Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.
Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.
*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.
Onward To Golgotha
Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.
Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.
WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.
Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.
Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.
Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.
Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.
Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.
Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.
Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.
Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.
Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.
Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.
*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.
Friday, February 22, 2013
My Picks For UFC 157: The Japanese Caterpillar vs Hiroshima Hendo
What's up you
savages. Just ate a fat dinner and now I'm riding this buzz brought to
you by the Ommegang brewery. I wish there was more than 4 fights on this
card that I cared about but we'll make the best of it. Time to grind.
Onward To Golgotha
Rickson by armbar.
Ok now that we got the Ronda analysis out of the way, let's get to the REAL main event. This fight should be 5 rounds. 5 rounds so I can have a 25 minute raging erection in anticipation of an H-Bomb or a Crane Kick KO. This is going to bring the ultra violence. I can just feel it in my balls. Hendo shouldn't be ale to land anything on Machida but anything is possible and oh my gosh the tension will be so thick. Of course the Los Angeles crowd will be booing cause they're a bunch of assholecuntbastarddicks but I'm getting off point. Who do I think is going to win ? Machida. My gut is going with Machida and I feel like he can be the first to knock out Hendo with a beautiful counter. Hendo throwing that dumb inside leg kick and then throwing his weight and overhand right on to Machida's chin would be fucking amazing though. Brain: Machida. Heart: Hendo.
So tired of seeing Faber fight. I'd prefer if he just went to Bellator and fought Eduardo Dantas a bunch of times instead of clogging up the main cards with his butt chin. Dudes on the decline. That being said, The Pride Of El Salvador is getting decision'd like a motherfucker in this fight. Pinche pobrecito. I don't think Menjivar has the power to KO Faber and he certainly won't submit him. He might just go for infinite spinning back fists though and score the second biggest upset of the year. Who knows. That actually sounds good, Menjivar by spinning back fist KO 1st round. Death to butt chins.
Court Mcgee and Josh Neer are on the main card of a PPV in 2013. Yeah. Fuck MMA.
Did you see Kos' hair at the weigh ins ? What the fuck man. Robbie Lawler doesn't have ridiculous hair. He wins by flying knee KO late 1st round. Fuck it.
Don't understand how Lavar "Big Penis" Johnson and Brenda Slob weren't on the main card. The fuck. Thank god Slob is getting knocked out fast and I'll be drunk by then so that'll enhance the experience x666. Big Penis by big floppy ko.
I swear to god this card better be fucking exciting. On paper it looks like absolute shit. Anyways, enjoy your friday night you savages and join me in the Discussion Zone tomorrow.
Onward To Golgotha
Rickson by armbar.
Ok now that we got the Ronda analysis out of the way, let's get to the REAL main event. This fight should be 5 rounds. 5 rounds so I can have a 25 minute raging erection in anticipation of an H-Bomb or a Crane Kick KO. This is going to bring the ultra violence. I can just feel it in my balls. Hendo shouldn't be ale to land anything on Machida but anything is possible and oh my gosh the tension will be so thick. Of course the Los Angeles crowd will be booing cause they're a bunch of assholecuntbastarddicks but I'm getting off point. Who do I think is going to win ? Machida. My gut is going with Machida and I feel like he can be the first to knock out Hendo with a beautiful counter. Hendo throwing that dumb inside leg kick and then throwing his weight and overhand right on to Machida's chin would be fucking amazing though. Brain: Machida. Heart: Hendo.
So tired of seeing Faber fight. I'd prefer if he just went to Bellator and fought Eduardo Dantas a bunch of times instead of clogging up the main cards with his butt chin. Dudes on the decline. That being said, The Pride Of El Salvador is getting decision'd like a motherfucker in this fight. Pinche pobrecito. I don't think Menjivar has the power to KO Faber and he certainly won't submit him. He might just go for infinite spinning back fists though and score the second biggest upset of the year. Who knows. That actually sounds good, Menjivar by spinning back fist KO 1st round. Death to butt chins.
Court Mcgee and Josh Neer are on the main card of a PPV in 2013. Yeah. Fuck MMA.
Did you see Kos' hair at the weigh ins ? What the fuck man. Robbie Lawler doesn't have ridiculous hair. He wins by flying knee KO late 1st round. Fuck it.
Don't understand how Lavar "Big Penis" Johnson and Brenda Slob weren't on the main card. The fuck. Thank god Slob is getting knocked out fast and I'll be drunk by then so that'll enhance the experience x666. Big Penis by big floppy ko.
I swear to god this card better be fucking exciting. On paper it looks like absolute shit. Anyways, enjoy your friday night you savages and join me in the Discussion Zone tomorrow.
Friday, December 28, 2012
My Picks For UFC 155: I Ate Too Much Spicy Food Tonight And I'm Going To Pay For It In The Morning Aka WAR DOS SANTOS
I woke up this
morning in a pretty spiteful mood and was planning on using this intro
to rant about flakes and a person that's really tested my patience the
last month or so but then I worked out, drank a good beer, had some
really good food and now I'm feeling better. That doesn't mean the Fury
And Flames (Hate Eternal reference for all you rubes) has left my
system, it's still there, but I'll keep it out of the picks because this
is no place for negativity unless it's directed at annoying fighters.
But you know, a Converge song might come on shuffle and it'll set me off
and shit will get hostile really goddamn quick in here. Enough
pussyfooting around, time to get kneed in the dick a bunch of times.
So Cain getting a title shot after elbowing Bigfoot Silva once in the forehead region is complete garbage and shows how much chorizo Dana shoves up his own ass on a daily basis. I could see if Cain lost a split decision then you could give him a rematch this soon but goddamnit you fuckers, he gets knocked out brutally by the champ in one MINUTE, beats a slow guy, and then gets a rematch ? Fuck off. What really pisses me off is all the taco-wagon Cain fans that booed Dos Santos at the weigh-ins. All you posers can get arrested in Arizona for smelling like refried beans. NO ONE boos Dos Santos. He's the raddest Brazilian ever not named Pregnant Adriana Lima and you will show him the proper respect. What I'm trying to say is, Cain has no chance and he'll get knocked out brutally with a left hook, ONE SHOT ONE KILL, and I'll be blowing up Facebook with lots of exclamation points. Dos Santos by Immigrant Hating KO 1st round.
*does a shot of Glenlivet*
Did you guys watch the Vlog with Creepy Joe tapping out Nick The Tooth like 20 times in three minutes ? Holy awesome. For some reason I've never been a huge J-Lau fan but after that video and falling in love with his Massachusetts accent I will be cheering for him the rest of his career. Besides, Jim Miller never excited me. Kinda surprised everyone thinks Jim Miller is just going to steamroll J-Lau and not even pay for dinner. Get the fuck outta here guys. Miller is done being a contender. He'll probably drop to 145 after J-Lau wins by decision probably cause I can't really see him finishing Miller. This will be a badical fight though, can't wait.
Zorbas Filipoo is Greek and trains with Ray Longo. That means he's going to be the champ at 185 pounds forever and Matt Serra will be the Pastaweight champ of the Universe. Tim Borscht trains with boring Midwest white folk and is going to get knocked out. Hey, I was going nuts for Borscht when he Godzilla Smashed the shit out of Okami but I won't be cheering for him this time because Ray Longo is the best dude ever and you don't mess with the Matt Serra Pasta Team. Costa is gonna stuff those takedowns, not get Redneck Judo'd and will be throwing left hooks for 15 minutes. Costa by semi-shocking upset decision.
Alan Belcher tore up my boy Paul Harris but that's cool, I don't hate him anymore. Okami on the other hand should just stick to rolling really terrible California rolls and serving up teriyaki chicken bowls for all the gaijins. Don't let Joe Rogan fool you, Okami is not going to be able to smother Belcher, but he WILL get his flat face smashed the shit in with beautiful headkicks and elbows in the clinch. Y'all ready know where this ones going. Belcher by extra manly TKO 2nd round.
Eddie Wineland vs Brad Pickett shoulda been on the main card instead of Leben vs Dirk Bronson or whatever his name is. Total bullshit. I can't even come up with something badical to say about this fight because their actions will speak louder than words. Who's going to win ? Shit if I know. Pickett ? Maybe. Wineland ? Maybe. This is going to be FOTN guaranteed though. Can't pick a winner though, SORRY. Uhhh...Brittney Palmer by cameltoe clutch 1st round.
Chris Leben is back and whatever. He's fighting some chump that got knocked out by Jacare. Leben by KO. Come on people.
I could do the prelims but ya know, I have stuff to do. Like drink more and get angry. See you momos tomorrow night !
So Cain getting a title shot after elbowing Bigfoot Silva once in the forehead region is complete garbage and shows how much chorizo Dana shoves up his own ass on a daily basis. I could see if Cain lost a split decision then you could give him a rematch this soon but goddamnit you fuckers, he gets knocked out brutally by the champ in one MINUTE, beats a slow guy, and then gets a rematch ? Fuck off. What really pisses me off is all the taco-wagon Cain fans that booed Dos Santos at the weigh-ins. All you posers can get arrested in Arizona for smelling like refried beans. NO ONE boos Dos Santos. He's the raddest Brazilian ever not named Pregnant Adriana Lima and you will show him the proper respect. What I'm trying to say is, Cain has no chance and he'll get knocked out brutally with a left hook, ONE SHOT ONE KILL, and I'll be blowing up Facebook with lots of exclamation points. Dos Santos by Immigrant Hating KO 1st round.
*does a shot of Glenlivet*
Did you guys watch the Vlog with Creepy Joe tapping out Nick The Tooth like 20 times in three minutes ? Holy awesome. For some reason I've never been a huge J-Lau fan but after that video and falling in love with his Massachusetts accent I will be cheering for him the rest of his career. Besides, Jim Miller never excited me. Kinda surprised everyone thinks Jim Miller is just going to steamroll J-Lau and not even pay for dinner. Get the fuck outta here guys. Miller is done being a contender. He'll probably drop to 145 after J-Lau wins by decision probably cause I can't really see him finishing Miller. This will be a badical fight though, can't wait.
Zorbas Filipoo is Greek and trains with Ray Longo. That means he's going to be the champ at 185 pounds forever and Matt Serra will be the Pastaweight champ of the Universe. Tim Borscht trains with boring Midwest white folk and is going to get knocked out. Hey, I was going nuts for Borscht when he Godzilla Smashed the shit out of Okami but I won't be cheering for him this time because Ray Longo is the best dude ever and you don't mess with the Matt Serra Pasta Team. Costa is gonna stuff those takedowns, not get Redneck Judo'd and will be throwing left hooks for 15 minutes. Costa by semi-shocking upset decision.
Alan Belcher tore up my boy Paul Harris but that's cool, I don't hate him anymore. Okami on the other hand should just stick to rolling really terrible California rolls and serving up teriyaki chicken bowls for all the gaijins. Don't let Joe Rogan fool you, Okami is not going to be able to smother Belcher, but he WILL get his flat face smashed the shit in with beautiful headkicks and elbows in the clinch. Y'all ready know where this ones going. Belcher by extra manly TKO 2nd round.
Eddie Wineland vs Brad Pickett shoulda been on the main card instead of Leben vs Dirk Bronson or whatever his name is. Total bullshit. I can't even come up with something badical to say about this fight because their actions will speak louder than words. Who's going to win ? Shit if I know. Pickett ? Maybe. Wineland ? Maybe. This is going to be FOTN guaranteed though. Can't pick a winner though, SORRY. Uhhh...Brittney Palmer by cameltoe clutch 1st round.
Chris Leben is back and whatever. He's fighting some chump that got knocked out by Jacare. Leben by KO. Come on people.
I could do the prelims but ya know, I have stuff to do. Like drink more and get angry. See you momos tomorrow night !
Saturday, December 8, 2012
My Picks For UFC on Fox 5: Don't Be Scared Homie vs I Can Do All Things Through CHRIST !
MAHALOS MOTHERFUCKERS. I've had a Spam-can shaped boner for the last 3 months or so waiting for this card and it's finally here. I'm not gonna waste any more time because I want to digest this breakfast and hit the goddamn weights and get JACKED.
Onward To Golgotha
Nate Diaz gonna Stockton Slap the fuck outta JESUS tonight. You guys really think Bendersonson is gonna flick out triple jabs and actually land one of em and damage Nate ? You idiots really think he's going to take down Nate and hold him down for 25 minutes ? You really think he's going to survive the Middle Finger Triangle Of Death ? NOPE. Bendersonson is an athletic dude but gameplans terribly and puts himself in bad positions all the time. Can't be triflin' with Nate Diaz though, son. I just can't wait for Nate to start flipping him off and landing some hateful body shots causing Bendersonson to crumple and instead of going for the kill he flips him off some more and yells "STOCKTON BITCH. WHAT." and submits him with a rape choke. That shit's fucking happening. BANK IT. Nate Diaz by God Hating Rape Choke 3rd round.
HAWAII I LOVE YOU. My body is so ready for BJ to smash this fake Patrick Bateman wannabe motherfucker. I've never been sold on Rory and just don't see him being the champion ever. Rory will be bigger and like...I guess that's the only advantage he has. He's not going to outbox or be able to lay n pray on BJ. Fuck no. You know what BJ Penn's gonna do ? WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. I don't know how the fights gonna play out but BJ will be licking blood off his gloves like a fucking animal and Rory will be posting Slipknot pictures on Instagram. Penn by MurderDeathKill 1st round.
I'm so fucking scared for Shogun tonight. The Hendo fight took about 30 years off his life, so he probably has the brain of a 120 year old right now. Even Brandon Vera took some years off him. Brandon "Oh Man I'm The Worst Fighter Ever But I'm The Representative Of San Diego MMA So Worship Me" Vera. FUCK OFF. Gustaffson has an awesome beard, a pretty wife, and he listens to Dismember (I think). Well, Slowgun's wife is really cute too but like...neither of the Rua's listen to Dismember so who gives a shit about them. I so badly want Shogun to come out looking like a murderer in the Pride days but that shit is long gone, the only Shogun we get now has a more intense muffin top than me and plods slower than a one-legged tortoise that had it's skull cracked from a schizophrenic honey badger trying to rape it. Gustaffson by depressing one-punch KO 1st round :(
Aight bitches, I'm out this mother. Enjoy your Saturday afternoon, get some good food and beers, chill on the couch and get ready for the best card all year. And join me here on Fartbook for the DISCUSSION ZONEEEEEEEE.
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