My Picks For UFC 155: I Ate Too Much Spicy Food Tonight And I'm Going To Pay For It In The Morning Aka WAR DOS SANTOS

I woke up this morning in a pretty spiteful mood and was planning on using this intro to rant about flakes and a person that's really tested my patience the last month or so but then I worked out, drank a good beer, had some really good food and now I'm feeling better. That doesn't mean the Fury And Flames (Hate Eternal reference for all you rubes) has left my system, it's still there, but I'll keep it out of the picks because this is no place for negativity unless it's directed at annoying fighters. But you know, a Converge song might come on shuffle and it'll set me off and shit will get hostile really goddamn quick in here. Enough pussyfooting around, time to get kneed in the dick a bunch of times.

So Cain getting a title shot after elbowing Bigfoot Silva once in the forehead region is complete garbage and shows how much chorizo Dana shoves up his own ass on a daily basis. I could see if Cain lost a split decision then you could give him a rematch this soon but goddamnit you fuckers, he gets knocked out brutally by the champ in one MINUTE, beats a slow guy, and then gets a rematch ? Fuck off. What really pisses me off is all the taco-wagon Cain fans that booed Dos Santos at the weigh-ins. All you posers can get arrested in Arizona for smelling like refried beans. NO ONE boos Dos Santos. He's the raddest Brazilian ever not named Pregnant Adriana Lima and you will show him the proper respect. What I'm trying to say is, Cain has no chance and he'll get knocked out brutally with a left hook, ONE SHOT ONE KILL, and I'll be blowing up Facebook with lots of exclamation points. Dos Santos by Immigrant Hating KO 1st round.

*does a shot of Glenlivet*

Did you guys watch the Vlog with Creepy Joe tapping out Nick The Tooth like 20 times in three minutes ? Holy awesome. For some reason I've never been a huge J-Lau fan but after that video and falling in love with his Massachusetts accent I will be cheering for him the rest of his career. Besides, Jim Miller never excited me. Kinda surprised everyone thinks Jim Miller is just going to steamroll J-Lau and not even pay for dinner. Get the fuck outta here guys. Miller is done being a contender. He'll probably drop to 145 after J-Lau wins by decision probably cause I can't really see him finishing Miller. This will be a badical fight though, can't wait.

Zorbas Filipoo is Greek and trains with Ray Longo. That means he's going to be the champ at 185 pounds forever and Matt Serra will be the Pastaweight champ of the Universe. Tim Borscht trains with boring Midwest white folk and is going to get knocked out. Hey, I was going nuts for Borscht when he Godzilla Smashed the shit out of Okami but I won't be cheering for him this time because Ray Longo is the best dude ever and you don't mess with the Matt Serra Pasta Team. Costa is gonna stuff those takedowns, not get Redneck Judo'd and will be throwing left hooks for 15 minutes. Costa by semi-shocking upset decision.

Alan Belcher tore up my boy Paul Harris but that's cool, I don't hate him anymore. Okami on the other hand should just stick to rolling really terrible California rolls and serving up teriyaki chicken bowls for all the gaijins. Don't let Joe Rogan fool you, Okami is not going to be able to smother Belcher, but he WILL get his flat face smashed the shit in with beautiful headkicks and elbows in the clinch. Y'all ready know where this ones going. Belcher by extra manly TKO 2nd round.

Eddie Wineland vs Brad Pickett shoulda been on the main card instead of Leben vs Dirk Bronson or whatever his name is. Total bullshit. I can't even come up with something badical to say about this fight because their actions will speak louder than words. Who's going to win ? Shit if I know. Pickett ? Maybe. Wineland ? Maybe. This is going to be FOTN guaranteed though. Can't pick a winner though, SORRY. Uhhh...Brittney Palmer by cameltoe clutch 1st round.

Chris Leben is back and whatever. He's fighting some chump that got knocked out by Jacare. Leben by KO. Come on people.

I could do the prelims but ya know, I have stuff to do. Like drink more and get angry. See you momos tomorrow night !

My Picks For UFC on Fox 5: Don't Be Scared Homie vs I Can Do All Things Through CHRIST !

MAHALOS MOTHERFUCKERS. I've had a Spam-can shaped boner for the last 3 months or so waiting for this card and it's finally here. I'm not gonna waste any more time because I want to digest this breakfast and hit the goddamn weights and get JACKED.



Onward To Golgotha


Nate Diaz gonna Stockton Slap the fuck outta JESUS tonight. You guys really think Bendersonson is gonna flick out triple jabs and actually land one of em and damage Nate ? You idiots really think he's going to take down Nate and hold him down for 25 minutes ? You really think he's going to survive the Middle Finger Triangle Of Death ? NOPE. Bendersonson is an athletic dude but gameplans terribly and puts himself in bad positions all the time. Can't be triflin' with Nate Diaz though, son. I just can't wait for Nate to start flipping him off and landing some hateful body shots causing Bendersonson to crumple and instead of going for the kill he flips him off some more and yells "STOCKTON BITCH. WHAT." and submits him with a rape choke. That shit's fucking happening. BANK IT. Nate Diaz by God Hating Rape Choke 3rd round.

HAWAII I LOVE YOU. My body is so ready for BJ to smash this fake Patrick Bateman wannabe motherfucker. I've never been sold on Rory and just don't see him being the champion ever. Rory will be bigger and like...I guess that's the only advantage he has. He's not going to outbox or be able to lay n pray on BJ. Fuck no. You know what BJ Penn's gonna do ? WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. I don't know how the fights gonna play out but BJ will be licking blood off his gloves like a fucking animal and Rory will be posting Slipknot pictures on Instagram. Penn by MurderDeathKill 1st round.

I'm so fucking scared for Shogun tonight. The Hendo fight took about 30 years off his life, so he probably has the brain of a 120 year old right now. Even Brandon Vera took some years off him. Brandon "Oh Man I'm The Worst Fighter Ever But I'm The Representative Of San Diego MMA So Worship Me" Vera. FUCK OFF. Gustaffson has an awesome beard, a pretty wife, and he listens to Dismember (I think). Well, Slowgun's wife is really cute too but like...neither of the Rua's listen to Dismember so who gives a shit about them. I so badly want Shogun to come out looking like a murderer in the Pride days but that shit is long gone, the only Shogun we get now has a more intense muffin top than me and plods slower than a one-legged tortoise that had it's skull cracked from a schizophrenic honey badger trying to rape it. Gustaffson by depressing one-punch KO 1st round :(

Aight bitches, I'm out this mother. Enjoy your Saturday afternoon, get some good food and beers, chill on the couch and get ready for the best card all year. And join me here on Fartbook for the DISCUSSION ZONEEEEEEEE.

My Picks For UFC 154: The Natural Born Weiner vs Goddamn Sleeping Pill

Hey guys. I just made myself a pretty good quesadilla and now I'm sipping on this Imperial Stout aged in Pinot Noir barrels. Not a bad night so far. Shit, it's only 6pm ? Plenty of time to get trashed before I go on my run. Ok time to start writing.


Onward To Golgotha


I think I'm the only dude not pumped for this card. GSP never excited me and tomorrow night will end up being 25 more minutes of single jabs and takedowns. Maybe he'll go for a kimura but won't commit to it. Maybe he'll throw TWO jabs (holy fuck). Maybe he'll just knock himself out backstage before he walks out and we don't have to see the fight at all. I'm fine with that actually. You really think Condom is gonna throw headkicks ? Fuck no. He's gonna be scurred of being controlled on top for the whole round. You think he's gonna be able to sit on his power and throw a left hook like he did to Hardy ? Pfft. Fuck outta here guy. GSP gonna GSP.

Too busy looking at Sara Underwood pictures to really get focused on these fights but the whole card kinda sucks a bag anyways so it's not a big deal.

OH JOHNY HENDRICKS FUCK YEAH DUDE. You already know he's knocking out Martin Kampmann. He's due for an awesome finish anyways. First round ? First punch ? I don't know but I have a feeling it'll be similar to when he killfuckdestroyed Amir Sadollah but this time Kampmann is going completely out. I told Johny to hit me up afterwards so we can get some bison burgers with extra aged cheddar and onion rings and jalapeno poppers. That's how we bearded dudes do it. Hendricks by KO first round.

I wanna cheer for Tom Lawlor but he's fighting a big black guy that has the voice of a French villain from a Disney movie. That means you have a 100% chance of losing badly. Poor Tom Lawlor, he a dead man. Big Black Guy gonna dominate from the start and end up choking him out with a dominant black arm triangle. RIP.

Costa Philipoo is a Greek and Greek food is awesome.

Mark Hominick sucks. Pablo Garza sucks. Gonna be tweeting Brittney Palmer during this fight hoping she sends me some feet pics.

Patrick Cooty sucks. Alessio Sakara sucks. Patrick Cooty has a better chin. Doesn't matter cause they both suck.

I've lost my patience for this card already. I'm gonna drink some more you assholes.

My Picks For UFC 152: Jesus vs Jesus

Holy shit we're back. It's been 2 months since a good event and I am fiendin' for some good fights. Sippin' on some quality scotch right now, got dat Wes Montgomery playing and watching .gifs of Jon Jones' new war beard. You bros ready for some picks ? WAR.


Onward To Golgotha


WOW WHAT THE FUCK UFC 151 GETS CANCELLED BECAUSE JON JONES IS SCARED OF KALE SONNEN WHAT ??! Vitor Belfart moving back to 205 for a title shot ? REALLY ?! Man...I don't even...I just want to see some fights, ya know ? Really stoked they added the Jones/Belfart fight to this card but I'm also bummed because there's a 99% chance I'll be missing the entire card due to being at my sisters wedding. SHUCKS. I know Krista or Eric won't be reading this but HEY CONGRATS AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU GUYS TOMORROW ! Really excited to eat a bunch of Greek food and get kicked out for being on Instagram the whole time too.

So Belfort has like no chance here. Straight up. Jones by sub. Or TKO. After Jones' started growing that war beard I'm kinda cheering for him now. I'm gonna be pissed if Rogan starts yelling out "OK MIKE NOW WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRST MINUTE OF THE FIGHT BECAUSE THATS WHEN VITOR LOVES TO RUSH IN AND THROW BOMBS" except he's never done that since coming back to the UFC but I don't care anymore. Jones by TKO/sub/anything he wants. Belfort tries to stay out of Dhalsim's range but still gets clipped trying to rush in, tripped and ends up mounted. Jones by TKO due to elbows. I really wish I could say something funny about this but it's just been too long. I'm rusty.

I will forever hate Mighty Mouse for getting a gift of a win over Miguel Torres. I Rock Bottom'd the entire house when the decision was announced. Fuck outta here with that noise. Mighty Mouse can act like he has KO power and subs but he's kinda like Dominick Cruz without the takedown defense. Just a buncha crap. Thankfully Benavidez is the most handsome 125'er and he's going to have some impossibly beautiful children with Megan Olivi. He's also going to beat the fuck outta Mighty Mouse and be the dominant champ until he retires. You really think Mighty Wuss is gonna land one of those marshmallow headkicks ? Get outta here. Not happening. Benavidez is too handsome to let that happen. He's gonna land one of those mouse-killing right hands and put that snitch OUT. Benavidez by TKO 2nd round.

Oh man. Michael Bisping. Dumbest dude ever. I was a fan of his for like 3 minutes and then he ruined it by calling out Benavidez and sounding like a child. Dude can't take sarcasm for shit. Too bad Brian Stann sucks or I'd be picking him to win. Stann has a great flat top but no ground game so Bisping by decision. Bisping probably gets rocked with a straight right but ends up recovering enough to sweep that Kenny Loggins loving bastard and staying in mount for 15 minutes or maybe he gets a legitimate finish for once. Bisping by whatever he wants.

Matt Hamill can go die for all I care. The guy he's fighting looks like a goober and I'm pissed that Vinny Magalhaes isn't on the main card. Nobody wins.

Do Bronx vs Cub Swanson is going to be Fight Of The Night. Guaranteed. Neither of em has a boring fight ever and I can't goddamn wait to see this. Swanson is a bad motherfucker when he doesn't fight like an idiot, the same for Do Bronx. Swanson has the striking and Do Bronx has the subs. Well how do you pick ? Don't ask me. I'm too busy drinking to have a method for picking fights. So Cub Swanson will win by highlight reel headkick KO again just because I follow him on Instagram.

Vinny Magalhaes is back and I really hope he doesn't get knocked out in the first round. Pokerjack has some power and could definitely finish Vinny no problem. Hopefully Vinny will pull guard when they touch gloves and transition into a mounted gogplata and gets a bonus and goes home for some brazilian bbq booty but I don't know if that'll happen. Thankfully I'm too buzzed to give one shit about Pokerjack being a threat so Magalhaes by double flying superman kneeplata mounted triangle omoplata combination.

Everyone picking TJ Grant over Evan Dunham is kinda shocking me. I guess it's possible, could be an ugly (aka boring as fuck) fight against the cage for position but I'm hoping for some crazy scrambles ending in a sub. I'm going with my gut and sticking with Evan Dunham though. Maybe by D'arce choke ? Sure why not. Dunham by D'arce.

I have some more drinking too and then I have to figure out how to tie a windsor knot. Enjoi the last day of summer you bastards !

-Get Fat

My Picks For UFC 146: #RallyForMarkHunt

Sup you momos. I'm listening to the latest Joe Rogan podcast with Joey Diaz and getting pumped up to watch some 16 year old Traci Lords Octopus porn (according to Joey Diaz). Having a BBQ for the fights. None of you are invited.


Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself*

I'm going to start this off by saying how devestated I was to find out that MAAAHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKK HUNNNNTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOO injured his knee and pulled out of his fight. Even more devestated then when I found out Reemzilla pulled some shit with the NSAC and Frank "I Have The Worst Haircut Ever" Mir was taking his place. I think every fight on the main card has had a change in opponent, right ? Even Jamie Varner was re-signed to take someones spot. Aight. With that out of the way, let's get down to the hate.


Dos Santos by 1st round uppercut KO. Oh, sorry. You guys expected some analysis explaining how Frank Mir has a chance to win just because you bought into all the bullshit he spews before each fight ? He doesn't have the wrestling to take him down. He doesn't have the striking to knock him out (oh fuck you, the Kongo and Big Nog fights don't count for shit). He doesn't have the striking defense to prevent getting destroyed. He has no (fucking) chance to win this fight. I genuinely hate Frank Mir and I will never cheer for him. I hope he gets knocked out forever so then his wife who wears POUNDS of make-up on her dumbface will cry salty tears and die from dehydration. Fuck off Mir.

I hate when I cheer for Bigfoot and then he loses. First to Verdumb and then Black Fedor. Cain has the personality of a wet corn tortilla but he's pretty much the B-grade version of Black Fedor and I don't think Bigfoot will be able to stop it. Ugh, I hate to say it but Brown Pride by 2nd round avocado mashing.

When the fuck did Roy Nelson get a fight on every main card ? Seems like every month he's wasting space on the PPV. He is not exciting to watch, he gasses every time (no matter what Joe Rogan says about his fat guy cardio) and he just blows. If Dave Herman didn't get TKO'd by pinche Stephanie Struve then I'd be cheering for him but not this time. Roy Nelson will FINALLY land that shitty overhand Koscheck right and knockout Herman. It's gonna be sloppy for sure. Big Gut by 1st round KO.

SDR is back and he's fighting the XL sibling of the KEN Mode brothers. (Sorry, only like 2 of you guys will get that reference) This fight is such a bitch to pick because they both bring it and I can't say a bad thing about em. SDR hasn't fought in a long ass time since some momo crashed into him though and he's making his UFC debut against a Croatian. Ughhhh. I don't want to pick but I gotta go with KEN Mode Bro by decision. Listen to KEN Mode you fucking weenies.

WHERE YOU AT MARK HUNT ?!?! DAMNIT. Big Sausage Johnson by 1st round hilariously bad KO. If he doesn't get outgrappled by Stephanie Struve which is totally possible if goddamn PAT BARRY was able to get an Americana on him. Please don't get submitted. I want to see you fight Mark Hunt so badly.

PRELIMS

Darren Elkins is christ-rapingly boring and he got a gift of a win over Michi "OMG" Omigawa. Brandao should steamroll him but it might turn into a boring 15 minutes of hump n pray. I couldn't care less to be honest cause I'll be busy eating carne asada tacos sooooo... Brandao by flying knee/early stoppage TKO ? Sure.

Edson Barboza murderdeathkilled Terry "Schaivo" Etim with a Leko Buster. He's pretty much the baddest dude on the planet not named Badr Hari. Jamie Varner got some respect from me when his balls were destroyed by Camel Sallyroos and I'm kinda happy to see him back in the UFC on short notice. I must be high as giraffe pussy right now. Anyways, Varner SHOULD get blasted in the face a bunch of times but he will probably make this 15 minutes of lay n pray. Shit, I would do the same thing if I was fighting the Brazilian Butter Harry. Easy pick is Barboza by decision/stoppage in the 3rd round but I just have a gut feeling that Varner could win 2 rounds with his kinda crappy wrestling/experience. I don't know mannnnn.

CB Dollaway sucks just enough to do something dumb against Mayhem and get submitted. So that's what I'm going with. Mayhem by 1st round RNC.

DAN FUCKING HARDY IS BACK PEOPLE !! He's only lost 4 fights in a row and is somehow still signed to the UFC. I bet he'll tell us how "I've been working on my ground game nonstop" or some bullshit. Dude, enough. Duane "Gangbang" Ludwig has no ground game either so this will end up being some STAND N BANG for all you rednecks out there. K-1 level this will NOT be. Sorry. Too bad I hate Dan Hardy, The Gangbang by boring decision.


Fuckkk I can't stand Jacob Volkmann. Paul Sass is a crazy loon and I hope he pulls off the upset and triangles Volkmann in the 1st round. Dude is such a douchenozzle. I'd laugh if he got Volkmannized though. Sass by Sassangle.

Kyle Kingsbury is a scumbag. He doesn't deserve to have Natasha Wicks. I don't know about Glover Txxxxxssshierieiriaaaa but apparently he's badass as shit. Glover by something rad hopefully.

Mike Brown's been looking haggard lately. Younger Guy Pineda by youth.

I'm out this bitch. Later momos.

*Big Dicks In Your Ass is Bad For Your Health

My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Kimchi vs Jambalaya

Sup dudes. You know it's a good week when you can do your fight picks on a Monday evening. I loved it when the WEC would have fights on Sundays or Wednesdays or some other silly day and I'm glad the UFC is doing that by putting on cards that have Amir Sadollah co-maining.* I also had a chicken bake today and it was awesome.


Onward To Golgotha


The UFC fucked up so badly. It shoulda been the Korean Zombie vs Aldo. No one would give him a chance but it sure as fuck would make more sense than having Eric Cokehead fight him in the main event. Idiots. Sorry for starting off on an angry note but any card that has Amir Sadollah just pisses me off to no end. It's only going to get worse from here on out.

So Dustin Poirier beats a few cans and all of a sudden he's supposed to demolish The Korean Zombie ? Get outta here. Hey, I like the kid and I like that he overdoses on diabetes after fights but he is not the Korean Zombie. He hasn't submitted anyone with a Twister, he hasn't been DQ'd for knocking out a dude with an illegal spinning back fist, he's not Korean. The Zombie is gonna be all over Poiriers buttocks and I'm expecting another shockingly fast KO. I then want Aldo to destroy Koch and then have KZ fight him at the end of the year. PLUS, I just tried kimchi for the first time this year and I'm addicted. The writings on the wall. Kimchi Zombie by Bulgogi Burrito KO in the first 27 seconds.

Apparently Amir Sadollah is the co-main event against some twat that lost to JUSTIN FUCKING EDWARDS in his UFC debut. Are you shitting me Dana ? Go fuck yourself. Amir Sadollah is the shittiest fighter that was ever employed by Zuffa and he also lost in his last fight to The Gangbang Duane Ludwig. What the fuck. Two guys coming off of losses and they're the co-main event ? Fuck you Dana. I hope all 3 of these douchebags die at the same time and then Brittney has to walk in the cage and poledance for 15 minutes. Get outta here with this garbage.

Jeremy Stephens tried to lay n pray against Anthony Pettis and Cerrone got Stockton Slap'd to death by Nate Diaz. Lil Heathen still has shitty striking and theres no way he gets in close enough to land a clean shot on Cerrone. Stephens gets frustrated and tries to take Cerrone down but gets choked out with a guillotine. Lock of the night. Don't be scared, homie.

Who the fuck is Jeff Houghland ? How is Yves Jabroni still signed ? Jabroni by leg kicks I guess. I don't really care. I'll probably miss most of the main card anyways.

YES. Fabio Maldonado is BACK. I love that dude and I'm still pissed at how badly he got screwed against Kyle Kingsbury. Igor Cracker Jack has sucked for a long time and he's getting liver punched to the death. This could be Fight Of The Night since it'll be stand n wang the whole time. Moldy Nalgas by TKO 2nd round.

Tom Lawlor honored Genki Sudo with his weigh-in today and goddamn was it awesome. J-Mac is a very handsome ginger but I'm thinking that Lawlor will be too awesome for him and end up choking him out. Lawlor is kind of a dummy though so he'll either gas or get caught in something. Whatever. He still dressed up as Genki Sudo. Lawlor by Flawless Victory.

I'm gonna run through these prelims because who wants to watch fights at 2pm on a Tuesday ?

I hate Cody Mckenzie so the other guy by flying upside down Yoga Flame/Yoga Fire.

Brad Tavares is hawaiian.

I hate TJ Grant and Carlo Prater.

dos Anjos always finds a way to blow a fight he was winning, Shalorus just sucks. The world loses.

Curran shoulda got the win against Jorgensen. Curran by retribution.

Two beaners, two losers.

I'm out. I have some Cheez-Its to eat.

My Picks For UFC On Fox: Susquehanna Diaz vs Jimmy Pastrami

What's up you fuckin' momos. I'm channeling my inner Joey Karate today so shave your balls because no one else is going to do it. I was on hiatus in Arizona drinking crazy water with Pocahontas and shit but I'm back and ready for some fights. Check yourself before you wreck yourself fuckos. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health.

Stay Black.

You know I love this main event you mooks. My boys from Stockton, the crazy Diaz brothers (I think we're cousins or some shit on my moms side of the family) and those neanderthal Jersey boys the Miller brothers. Both of these guys are tough as fuckin' nails man, let me tell you. Nate and Nick don't give a fuck, they represent that Gracie Jiu Jitsu and they'll go to da death for 'em. You see them walking around Stockton and they just start jackin' fools up. Those guys are animals. But then you got the Miller brothers and I've seen them deadlift a White Castle in Jersey and eat all the fuckin' sliders. Afterwards we all went to Badabing and hung out with Big Pussy Bonpensiero and killed some strippers but that's for another time. So Diaz has the boxing and the jiu jitsu but Miller has the wrestling and he will grind you out. In the end I gotta go with my man Nate Diaz by 4th round rubber guard-crackhead control-omoplata-whatever the fuck. We're all smokin' some of that Jersey dirt weed in the back with Arianny and Brittney afterwards and eatin' their monkeys. Go fuck yourself.

In the co-main event you've got that goofy afro monkey lookin' bastard Joey Clownshoes and the bearded bozo that knocked out Jon Fitch. The fucks his name ? Jimi Hendrix or someshit. Whatever. I've been a Koscheck fan for a long time when he knocked out that little jap and climbed the cage like an orangutan but he hasn't looked the same since GSP skullfucked his eye. One time I was with this girl in Arizona and we were goin' at it and then she elbows me right in the fuckin' eye. Dawg, I couldn't see what hole I was in but I just kept goin'. Kos pussied out and he hasn't been the same since. Jimi Hendrix has been knockin' fools out like they stole his turkey or whatever the fuck they eat in Oklahoma. I'm goin' with Johny Hendricks by 1st round knockout cocksucka.

Next up we have my personal pick for Fight Of The Night. Alan Belcher vs that caveman brazilian Whosimar Paul Stanley, Paul Harris, whatever the fuck his name is. That motherfucker Alan Belcher doesn't give a fuck dawg, did you see when he Tombstone Piledrived Patrick Cooty ? I jumped up so fast I spilled the vaporizer. But then you got that chimpanzee lookin' dude Paul Stanley and that dudes an animal. Did you see that fight with Dan Miller and he headkicked him and then jumped on the cage before the ref stopped the fight ? He's got a few screws loose in his head, but I know how that is, one time I had some peyote in Colorado and fell of the mountain but you work through that shit. This is a tough fight to pick but I'm goin' with Ronda Paul Gilbert by heelhook in the second round fucko.

And in the opening fight we got two big boys, Halle Barry vs that cholo Lavar Johnson. I've seen Pat Barry knockout an elephant in San Diego when me and Bravo were smokin' some Carne Asada Fries Kush with Swole Peer, that dude doesn't give a FUCK. But that skinhead Lavar Johnson doesn't give a fuck either dawg, he's like those dudes in Training Day that fucked up the white dude. And that's how its gonna be when they fight. Lavar Johnson is gonna put those bricks on Barry's chin and it'll be night-night for Halle. Don Johnson by first round knockout. Lock of the night people.

I ran out of time for the prelims, I got sidetracked because I gotta pass a piss test but I'll be back for the fights and we can chop it up then. Stay black fuckos.

My Picks for UFC 145: Jons Boner Jeans vs Rafiki "Glass Jaw" Evans

Oh fuck me. Frank Mir is stepping in to fight Dos Santos ? Cool, that'll be the most predictable outcome ever. Might as well have Mene Gene Okerlund fight Miss Elizabeth as the main event. Good job Dana, you blew that shit. Coulda been MARK HUNT but nope. Whatever. Enough.

Onward To Golgotha


So this is easily the crappiest card on paper. There's only 1 fight I'm really interested in and the rest should be prelims on a Fuel card. The UFC really thinks Jones is the new blacksplosive GSP/Lesnar ? Fuck outta here. Until he shows his real asshole personality no one will give a shit. If you can't tell, I'm a little angry because Aoki got destroyed a few hours ago and Dana White is the biggest pile of shit ever and I hate Frank Mir forever. Knowing that he'll get knocked out is not satisfying enough for me, it should be MARK HUNT fighting Dos Santos. Fuck off.

So Rashad has no chance. Sorry dawg. Unless you get lucky and time Jones goofy looking strikes and counter with an overhand right that lands flush on his chin and knocks him out your ass is getting subbed or knocked out with a knee in the 2nd round. I'm sick of this pre-hype bullshit, I'm sick of Rashad being a little bitch because Jones said he'd fight him, I'm sick of Jon's brother acting like he's an MMA coach just because he's a fat football player, just sick of all of this garbage. Everyone knows that Rashad has no chance. Come on people. Jones by some knee KO bullshit, whatever. I don't care goddamnit.

Che Mills is not an "elite, ELITE fighter", shut the fuck up Joe Rogan. Go do Joey Diaz impressions instead, that's the only thing you're good at. Rory Macdonald beat up Nate Diaz so I hate him forever. If Che wasn't so terrible I'd pick him but that's not the case. Rory is gonna run right through this asshole. Waterboy by 1st round armbar. What a terrible co-main event.

Fuck Brendan Schaub. That dude is ALMOST a big of a douche as Frank Mir. I said almost. When Big Nig knocked him out I did a backflip and knocked over my carne asada fries, and then ate em off the floor because I was so happy that his doucheness got knocked out. Ben Rothwell used to be fat but he looked great at the weigh-ins so I'll be cheering for him. Rothwell by Paula Deen-lite KO 1st round.

I haven't been impressed with Michael Mcdonald and that's not changing after tomorrow night because The Mullet is gonna dominate him and show him who the real Jefe is of the bantamweight division. Torres is coming back with a finish and getting that title shot finally. Mullet by Machete Murder 3rd round.

Eddie Yagin is on the main card ? Wow. That pinoy has no chance. Hematoma Boy by a boring decision.

Mark Bocek wears really awkward underwear. John Alessio is a handsome fellow. Alessio by handsome.

CHAD GRIGGS FUCK YEAH. Why isn't he on the main card ? Travis Browne is kinda crappy for being a physically gifted guy. Sideburns Of Death is gonna get in that ass and shock the world with a 20 second KO. Callin' it. Lock of the night.

Karate Boy gonna be the first guy to KO Matt "I Really Suck, I Don't Understand How I'm Still In The UFC Because I Suck So Much" Brown with a left axe kick/right cross combo.

John Makdessi should be fighting at Bantamweight but somehow can't make 155. Ok fuck you. Nigerian Gangster is channeling his inner Fela Kuti as we speak and he's going to unleash the Monkey Banana Of Doom all over Makdessi's chin. Nigerian Gangster 2nd round murdercide.

Wow I can't stand Efrain Escudero. Fuck outta here dawg. Danzig gonna decision the shit out of you.

Who's Chris Clements ? Keith Worscheshshirikzkzzzz by no one cares.

MAXIMUM BLANKA GONNA GET IN THAT BOYS ASS. MAXIMUM BLANKA BY MAXIMUM KO FIRST ROUND BITCHES.

I'm gonna drink some more. Buzz off assholes.

My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Dismember vs Sepultura

Alright you momos, I just ate a grilled cheese, I'm drinking Lagunitas Imperial Stout and listening to Joey Diaz. It's been like 5 years since the last UFC and I'm absolutely dying to do some picks. Remember that the prelims on Facebook start at 9:30 am (for the west coasters) and the main card starts at 12. Boom. Let's get fat you mooks.


Onward To Golgotha


Damn that was some good beer. Warming me up on this khold, rainy night. Murderface is back after the Athletic Commission suspended him for a year because he beat the living shit out of Vera and they needed to let everyone else catch up to his level of dominance. Gustaffson is a rad guy and he probably listened to At The Gates when he was younger (probably Slaughter Of The Soul, not the good shit) but he's going to get his chin molested by Murderface. (Even though I'm kinda expecting Gustaffson to win using his jab and range but who cares about strategy here). Oh man, Beneath The Remains/Escape To The Void (Live) just came on shuffle. Gustaffson is fucked. Thiago Silva by :

WALKING THESE DIRTY STREETS
WITH HATE IN MY MIND
FEELING THE SCORN OF THE WORLD
I WON'T FOLLOW YOUR RULES
BLAME AND LIES, CONTRADICTIONS ARISE
BLAME AND LIES, CONTRADICTIONS ARISE

aka Thiago by Max Cavalera Capoeira Headkick KO.

Alessio Sakara co-maining against Brian Stann ? YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE UFC. I guess they wanted a stand n bang battle. Heres to hoping Lasagna Boy knocks out Milquetoast Stann quickly so I can take a dump before the main event. Ricotta Boy by upset KO left hook counter.

I only know about Siyar The Killer from Bloodstain Lane videos, I've never actually seen him fight. And he's debuting against my favorite 170'er not named Nick Diaz so too bad jabroni. Paulo Cheeago better walk out to Krisiun or he's a BITCH. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9A4FQ7sbSA) That's not gonna be an issue though because he just sent me a text saying he was walking out to Conquerors of Armageddon. Paulo Thiago by anaconda choke in the 2nd round. BANK IT.

Diego Nunes looks like he could fight at 135...maybe ? I don't know. Denis Siver's chin is officially gone and I suspect that Nunes gets a highlight reel KO. I don't really care about Diego Nunes so whatever. Diego by listening to Krisiun maybe. I used to LOVE those guys in high school. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHkUNCuu7_w&feature=relmfu)

Damarques Johnson lost to Matt Riddle. John Maguire by whatever he wants.

Damacio Page better not lose cause he's awesome but Brad Pickett is 100% going to sub him. Lock of the night people. I'll be busy doing important things during this fight like uhh...drinking carrot juice or something. Whatever. Pickett by guillotine or maybe Damacio knocks him out. WHO KNOWS.

I'm gonna drink some more and then pass out early so I can wake up for the prelims. I hope you guys join me so we can discuss how terrible European fighters are. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health.

SEACREST OUT.

2011: The Recap (Fights, Shows, Food And Other Shenanigans)

Holy shit it's 2012 and I am still hungover. Guess that's a good segue into this brief recap of all the radical and non-radical stuff that happened this year and to hate on all you posers that actually made New Years Resolutions. Come on people, resolutions are for strumpets. Are you a strumpet ? Shit I hope not.

1. Big Nog Knocking Out Brendan Slob - The greatest MMA moment for me this year. That scumbag Brendan tried to build his career by calling out big name guys with deteriorating skills and chins and ended up getting his ass knocked the FUCK out like the strumpet he really is. Hell, I was picking Brendan to win too just because Big Nog was coming off a couple surgeries and has been looking slower and slower with every fight. And then he shocked the whole goddamn world by unloading some some fat hooks and a huge overhand right and sent Brendan crying home. Porra !!

2. Tito Subbing Bader - Hahaha holy shit. I jumped so high off the couch when that happened. Drops him with a short right and then jumps on a guillotine and gets his first win in 5 years. Goddamn I love a good underdog story. Too bad he blew it in the Rashad and Lil Nog fights but lets keep this list positive.

3. Diaz vs Daley And The Greatest First Round Ever - Man, that whole event was awesome. I was pretty skeptical of the crowd just because San Diego is notorious for having some of the most uneducated fans but that night was 100% good vibrations. Every prelim had some violent finish, we had great seats and it went by fast. Then the main event starts and Diaz is immediately mean mugging and begging to get knocked out by Daley and OH MY GOD HE GETS DROPPED HOLY SHIT and my heart sunk and HOLY SHIT HES GETTING UP WHAT THE FUCK YESSSSSSSSS oh my god he's fucking up Daley with body shots and FUCKKKKKKK HE JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT WITH LIKE FIVE SECONDS LEFT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god. My adrenaline is rushing again. Fucking amazing. Then we got carne asada fries afterwards and beat up a bum on the trolley. Great times.

4. Year Of The Front Kick - Oh my god Anderson, you mad professor of muay thai. Belfort did not know what was coming and neither was I. And then Lyoto does a jumping version of it and knocks out Randy Coutures old man teeth. And then Justin Buckholz does it (but he gets no fucking attention for it, shame on you MMA fans). And then Dong Gun Kim almost knocks out Sean Pierson with it. And then I close the refrigerator door with it. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Condit front kick KO's Diaz. ANYTHINGS POSSIBLE.

5. Chandler Destroying Alvarez And His Eyebrows - I told you guys, I love a good underdog story. Was Chandler even a Top 30 LW before the fight ? I don't think he was but you bet your ass he's ranked now. Damn he almost kills Alvarez in the first round. Second round is similar but the third round. The fucking third round. Alvarez starts pouring it on when Chandler throws a kick and tears his groin and oh my god he might finish Chandler but he survives with a Mark Hunt level chin and looks completely refreshed in the fourth round and KNOCKS ALVAREZ'S DOUCHEBAG EYEBROWS OFF HIS GODDAMN FACE. WHOA.

6. Maaaaaaaaaaaaark Huntooooooo - My favorite fighter of all time. Went through some hard times, his record was under .500 and they give him a grappler to fight. Oh no, he's going to get kimura'd like he always does, oh no Chris Tuscherhehrheher gets it to the ground and goes for one but Hunt gets out of it, OH MY GOD THE OCEANIA SUPER FIGHTER JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT WITH A SHORT UPPERCUT AND WALKED AWAY LIKE A FUCKING BOSS. YES. YES. YES. Ok it's a few months later and they give him another grappler who has a pretty solid chin. Jesus christ, he's going to get subbed I think. HOLY SHIT HE SURVIVES AND GOES FOR AN ARMBAR AND ENDS UP WINNING A DECISION YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. MARK HUNT IS BACK. And next month he fights Cheick Kongo IN JAPAN on the main card and I am fucking PUMPED for that. Holy shit if he wins. IF HE WINS AND THEY GIVE HIM A TITLE SHOT ?!?!?!?! Oh my god. 2012, you and me could do some special things together.

(I apologize for how messy these paragraphs are. I guess they aren't even paragraphs really, just jumbled trains of thought. Sorry. I'll try and keep it focused for the rest of this)
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There were a ton of other awesome moments in MMA but now it's on to the few shows I went to and the deliciousness I noshed on around the great state of Hellafornia.

1. Kyuss Lives! - Great setlist, just needed Space Cadet and an appearance by Scott Reeder and Josh Homme and it'd be the best show ever but damn it was fun.

2. Big Business/Torche - Ok actually this was the funnest show of the year. Torche just raged and destroyed the PA with tyrannic distortion and prehistoric beats. Big Business blew out my hearing and my vocal chords. Good times.

3. KEN Mode - Been wanting to see these dudes forever and they obliterated the 2 people in the crowd. Yeah fuck you San Diego, good job supporting the scene. Anyways, that was the heaviest set I've heard from a trio and I was genuinely scared I would get my ass kicked by the guitarist/vocalist. Hung out with the dudes before the show started and they're from Winnipeg, Canada and we have some mutual e-friends so it was rad talking to those dudes about MMA and riffs and whatnot.

4. Fatso Jetson/Secret Samurai - Free show, radical bands, buncha buddies showed up, tacos afterwards, good night.

Originally I was going to do a list of all the rad stuff I ate but nothing is going to beat the Salmon and Bacon Eggs Benedict at the Little Swiss Cafe in Carmel, CA. Damn. Damn. Best breakfast I've ever had and my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Hash browns were on point, nice and crispy to support the majestically thick hollandaise sauce and perfectly cooked eggs. The salmon and bacon added huge briny flavor to the mix and damn. Damn.
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Ok now it's time to get serious. Sorta.

In 2011 some friendships ended, made some new friendships, but mostly ended. Learned from my mistakes and am slowly learning how to not be a dick all of the time. Also committed to cutting out the useless people in my life trying to fuck with my emotions. No need for haters, they just slow down the growth of my beard. Some close friends are also moving away so I'll be going solo for a while, One Man Wolf Pack style. Fuck, did I really use a Hangover reference ? That movie wasn't funny at all either, sorry people.

Still working on getting down to 205 pounds of bearded swoleness. That's not a resolution ok people, I've been at this for a while. Once this hangover'd charlie horse in my left calf relaxes it'll be time for hill sprints followed by misery. Can't wait.

I'm running out of steam typing this up, if you guys made it to the end I applaud you, it was just chaotic matrix of text. Get healthy, stay healthy, grow a beard and start fights at taco shops. 2012, I'm gonna punch you in the dick and you won't be able to stop my K-1 level striking.

-Anthony