Well this is a first, I'm blogging stone cold sober. And it sucks. At
least I'll be imbibing in a few hours while celebrating a couple
birthdays. Ok enough chit chat, time to get down to business.
Onward To Golgotha
"LOOK
HOW TALL JON JONES IS ! WOW HE HAS LONG ARMS AND (AND !) LONG LEGS !
HOLY SHIT. BUT LOOK AT GUSTAFFSON ! HE ALSO HAS LONG ARMS AND LONG LEGS !
AND HE'S WHITE ! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK !!" That's how you
promote a title fight you stupid bimbos ? By talking about the length of their penises
and not their actual fighting skills ? Fuck off UFC. I mean I guess
they might as well compare penis length cause Gustaffson has no chance
at beating Jones anyways but still, at least be somewhat original in
hyping up a fight with the most dominant 205'er that ever existed. The
only way Gustaffson wins is if he walks out to Deathevocation by Dismember
but he doesn't look like someone that listens to them so uhhh, yeah, HE
GONNA DIE. But how's he going to die ? Anaconda strangulation (I'm a
black belt in puns) ? Jones has the arm AND penis length to do it. I
don't think we'll ever see a penis choke in the UFC though, so that's
out of the question. Hellbows From Hell ? Probably. I'm really tired of
talking about penises tonight, so like, Boner Jones by 1st round spinning back elbow to the liver.
Oh fuck. Can you imagine taking a spinning elbow to your liver ?
Duuuuude. Fuck that. You'd be pissing blood to infinity and beyond.
Yeesh.
Oh there's another title fight ? Fuckin' a. Oh,
it's Eddie Wineland against Barao ? Poor guy. Wineland is getting
starched quickly or dismantled at a leisurely pace. Wineland has some
strong straight punches but jesus, dude leaves his chin up so badly I
get concussions just watching him spar. Yeah it's definitely not ending
well for him. I foresee lots of leg kicks and maybe some Lekobusters and
whatever shit crazy little savage Brazilians throw when they're bored
by the lack of competition. Barao by literally throwing shit at Wineland KO 2nd round.
Black
belt in being the worst fucking fighter ever, Brendan Schaub fights
Mitrione on the main card of a PPV in 2013. ENOUGH. Why the fuck does
the UFC insist on stacking Jon Jones cards with garbage fights ?
Hopefully Mitrione knocks this poofter out in the first 30 seconds
because I hate Schaubs face. Mitrione has an impossibly dumb face too so
a double KO would be amazing. Fuck it, WAR double KO. Fuck both of these guys.
Francis Carmont fucking sucks. Yeah, you got something you wanna say about that ? Didn't think so BITCH. Pasta
Philipoo is gonna KO this fuck so fast I won't have time to make
derogatory comments about Brittney Palmers ridiculous CGI face.
Pat
Healy has the biggest skull of all time and he might win by headbutt KO
just because he can't control his skulls gravity. Kebab
Yourmomsagoyimdov has a sick afro though. Shit just got real. But my
soberness is getting in the way of me finishing this pick so I'm going
with Healy just because STRIKEFORCE NEVER DIE.
Sober preliminary stream of consciousness time:
Myles Jury trains in Chula Vista and Mike Ricci looks like such a fucking pussy that I can't handle it. Jury by Chula Vista stabbing KO.
Kid Yamamoto was originally supposed to fight Menjivar but well, he
fucked that all up somehow so some small Brazilian is fighting Menjivar
now. War Yamamoto anyways because Japan Pride all fucking day. That made no sense, sorry, I'm fucking sober. Chris Clements is gonna beat Stephen Thompson
because I fucking said so. That's my analysis. Deal with it. Who the
fuck is Mitch Gagnon ? He probably doesn't like Gorguts so fuck him.
Dustin Kimura is Hawaiian. War Hawaii. John Madkessi should be
fighting at 135 but he's a lazy son of a bitch. I don't care, I still
love that little cross eyed fuck. War Cross Eyes. Jesse Ronson sounds like he'd be a really bland white person. Michelle Prazeres almost beat Paulo Thiago. War Michelle. Alex Caceres has pound for pound the most annoying face ever. Roland Delorme by grappling. NANDOR IS COMING.
Time for a beer.
PEACE.
-SwolePeer
Friday, September 20, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
My Picks For UFC 164: Blasian vs Puerto Rican
Man,
it is impossibly hot right now. All the coconut water in the world
won't be able to save my shirts from sweat stain death. S'all good
though, it's helping me cut weight so I can fight at 205 by the end of
the year. Anyways, time to get down to business.
Onward To Golgotha
For
a few weeks I was
absolutely sick of Pettis running his mouth. I wanted to Showtime Kick
his face off when he said TJ Grant didn't deserve the title shot, I
wanted to shoot him in the face with a Golden Gun when he cut in front
of line and got the Aldo opportunity, and oh my god his haircut annoys
me, but I've forgiven him. I just don't understand why they didn't make
this match up when the card was first announced. It made zero sense to
have Pettis fight in Brazil only a few weeks before the Milwaukee card
but the Universe righted everything. Ok I'm rambling on at this point
and you've probably already clicked over to some scrambled porn,
impatient perverts.
Who
is going to win ? Well, not Bendo. So burned out on his leg kicks and
useless jabs and flopping hair. Can't stand knowing that every time he
fights it's going to
be 25 minutes of the same crap. I sure sound bitter today. Must be the
lack of coconut water in my life. I remember watching the first fight
and almost headbutting the tv when Pettis landed the Showtime Kick. I
remember being on the verge of tears when Bendersonson had the RNC
locked in. In other words it was an amazing fight. And holy dude I am
pumped up for the rematch. WHY AM I RAMBLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW ?! Ugh
sorry guys. I just want Pettis to do all the spinning flying shit he can
possibly come up with. I want every combo from Killer Instinct, Mortal
Kombat, and ALL the Street Fighter games. Pettis better rock a Vega mask
and claws and climb up the cage and do a slashing back flip. Shoryuken ?
Better fucking happen. Stone Cold Stunner ? OH. HELL. YEAH. Pettis by
Showtime Kick 2: Electric Boogaloo in the 2nd round. RIP Bendo's reign
of boredom RIP.
Pride
Never Die. Bolt Thrower Never Die. That must mean the return of the
Baby Faced Assassin, JUSHHHHHHHHHHHH
BAHHHHHHNNNNEEEETTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So chuffed he's finally back in
the UFC. Can't wait for him to wreck shit on Francisco Mir's dumbest
face ever. Five bucks says Mir gets rocked just getting patted down by
the ref. Dude has zero chin left. I once saw a welsh corgi puppy lick
his face and Mir was out cold. It doesn't show up on his record because
he missed weight by like 240 pounds and it was a last minute match
because the welsh corgi just showed up out of nowhere but it totally
happened. That's exactly what's going to happen tomorrow night. You
weenies really think Mir is gonna use some judo salad tossing and end up
mounted on Barnett ? So naive. What's going to happen is Barnett is
going to walk him down with fat white kid fists and crush Mir's jabroni
jawline and get a title shot against
Mark Hunt because JDS will get injured and Hunt will step in on short
notice and crush that little mexican.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT by decision because let's get
serious, this fight is going to be 15 minutes of just obesity and no
cardio.
Hahaha
Clay Guida. What a goober. So glad Sean Shelby got sick of his shit and
matched him up with the beastiest dude at 145. If anyone thinks Guida
has a shot I want to know what medication they're taking. Even all the
schizophrenics in the world would never pick Guida against Mendes. Did
you see the Countdown ? Did you see Mendes do those spinning push ups ?
Dude. I wish I could do that. My brain doesn't even have the explosive
creativity to do that in my dreams. Ridiculous. Mendes by first round
KO/guillotine combo.
Anytime
I see Brenda Vera Wang's name I get pissed. Of all the people to
represent San Diego it's him. I hate everyone that lives here, but he is
an amalgamation of all those people rolled up in the fattest Philipino
frame ever. He is seriously every bad SD stereotype. I almost hope he
wins tomorrow night just so he has the chance of getting knocked out
again. Did you see how ridiculous he looked at the weigh ins ? I'm a
total fatso, but wow he made me look like a bantamweight. If Ben
Rothwell wasn't such an incosistent fat dude I'd be picking him but he
looked expectionally terrible against Gonzaga. Can't believe this fight
is on the main card of a PPV in 2013. It better be awesomely bad and
cringeworthy. Who wins though ? Nobody. Not the Phillipines, not
America, not anybody.
Kochhead
vs Skinhead. Wasn't this supposed to happen a couple years ago ? Kinda
hard to get pumped up for this fight when both dudes got crushed in
their last ones. Lamas murderdeathkilling Kochhead with elbows was
shocking. Didn't Poirier lose to Swanson last time ? Too lazy to check
Wikipedia but I 'm pretty sure that's what happened. You know what ?
Whatever. I just want violence. Koch brings the best violence with those
headkicks that actually land. Poirier seems overrated and I don't think
he'll be able to get Kochhead down long enough to work any subs. Koch
by ultraviolent liverkick of death fatality.
Jamie
Varner vs Brazilian Gary Sinise is such an awesome fight. How much
weight did Tibau cut ? Like 80 pounds or
something ? Insanity. Don't know how that guy consistently makes weight
without dying every time. Everyone seems to be picking against Varner
but I'm not. No way. He's too fast and his punches are too powerful and I
fully expect him to win by TKO. Tebow's muscles are so huge he's
incapable of throwing a punch without seperating every shoulder that
ever existed. Attach Gary Sinise's head to a rhino and you have Gleison
Tibau. Yes, his physique blows me away. Big deal, wanna fight about it ?
That being said, Varner by KO 1st round.
Time for preliminary stream of consciousness:
Tim
Elliot has a pretty sweet beard and Louis Ginzo looks like Diego
Sanchez with green hair. I
hate Diego Sanchez. I hate green hair. You think I'm picking against
the guy with a sweet beard ? Get real. Beard Guy by Beard. Pascal Krauss
is fighting a sexy Korean not named Dong Dong Stun Gun Kim The Donger,
war sexy Korean. Chico Camus is fighting another sexy Korean, damn sexy
koreans. They're so sexy and korean. War Sex with a Korean. Soa Palelei
is a big Samoan or something, he automatically wins by being islander.
Fuck anyone with the last name Couture. War other guy. Jared Hamman via
being gumpy.
Ok that's all folks. Time to take 3 showers in a row.
Peace.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
My Picks For UFC: "So Handsome" Sonnen vs "Stunning" Shogun
My goodness, tomorrow night is going to have the most good looking
main event of all time. My body is not ready. Or maybe it is ? Yeah it
definitely is. I won't waste any more time with this intro cause holy
shit it's going to take forever to do all these picks. Let's get at it.
Onward To Golgotha
This fight is an absolute bitch to guess who's going to win. If Shogun could inject TRT in his knees then it'd be a whole lot easier to pick him by Psycho Crusher in the 1st round but he looked like dog shit in the Brenda Vera Wang fight and that inspires zero confidence he won't die from an asthma attack somewhere in the 25 minutes of Sonnen's violent hugging attack. On the other hand, Sonnen hasn't won at 205 in an eternity and he always chokes in these situations, kinda like how I choke at taco shops ordering wimpy bean and cheese burritos instead of 50 pounds of carne asada fries. What I'm trying to say is, I hope no one gets hurt because Sonnen has a Top 3 smile of all time and Shogun is right up there too. In conclusion, Sonnen by impossibly boring 25 minutes of limp wristed ground and pound resulting in a TKO (!) win, somewhere in the 4th round. This won't be pretty folks, not as pretty as Sonnen.
Did you guys see Travis Browne's beard ? Did you see the interview with Karyn Bryant where he said he has nightmares about losing his beard ? Homie is all ABOUT that beard life. I'm pretty proud of him. Plus we have that Hapa bond. And then Overeem. Goddamnit. I'm still laughing when Antonio "Giant Sloth" Silva knocked him out so badly that Fujita's skull started ejaculating dehydrated coconut chunks automatically. Has Reem even been cleared to fight again ? He probably thinks he has a fight with a horse meat buffet, not against a giant Hawaiian with a sweet beard. Yeah, I sound a bit salty but Overeem had all this hype and then acted like a nerd at a machismo convention and got schooled. So with that in mind, WAR HAWAIIAN BEARD ALL DAY. ALL THE MAHALOS. TRAVIS BROWNE BY SUPERFLY SPLASH.
Speaking of handsome, how bout Urijah Faber ? Yeah that buttchin is a bit intense but I wish I had his hair. Or any hair at this point. There's really no point in discussing Yuri Alcantara because this isn't a title shot so Faber wins by default. Poor kid never had a chance. Buttchinius Maximus is going to grapple-fuck the hell out of Alcantara and wrangle a tasty RNC in the 2nd round.
Can't believe I'm a Matt Brown fan in 2013. This year continues to blow my mind. What's even crazier is seeing him on a six (6) fight winning streak after he collapses Mike Pyle with midwest elbows of death. Fuck outta here if you're of the mindset that Pyle is going to submit Matt Brown. Nope. Not in 2013. If this was 2011 you can bet your ass this pick would say "Mullet Pyle by guillotine in the first second because Matt Brown has zero sub defense ever" but things change. People change. Matt Brown changed. I changed. The Immortal by mullet severing elbows 1st round, FOTN.
The last memory I have of Doomsday Howard is his forehead exploding like a puff pastry after Jake Ellenberger committed atrocities to it. I'm thinking tomorrow night might be the same unless Uriah Hall just got his black belt in Asperger's and repeats the same bullshit he pulled when he fought that small mexican guy, whatever his name was. Of course Doomsday is like twenty inches shorter than Hall and probably won't reach his chin, but you never know. I'm hoping for ultra violence, that's all. Doomsday by upset KO because I fucking love upsets, as much as carne asada fries.
Opening the main card is Creepy Joe vs a Blackzillian. Welp, that's all there is to it. J-Lau by sub 1st round, probably an armbar. Oh you really think Michael Johnson dramatically upped his cardio and sub defense in one training camp ? Get real. He was probably busy drawing portraits of Overeem and Spong's biceps. That's what I'd be doing anyways.
It's time to wrap this up, except it might take longer then expected because the prelims are actually really damn good. Prelim Stream of consciousness time:
Holy hell Mayday vs Pickett is going to be savagery. Pickett has a chin but Mayday could crack it open with an uppercut. The Wineland fight makes me hesitant to pick Pickett here, unless he can take it to the ground. Ugh. Gotta go with Mayday though, probably by decision. Already sick of this ignorant Irish pride that Dana's been shoving up our asses. Yeah, McGregor looked awesome in his debut and I'll be cheering for him but goddamn, calm down. He's only had ONE fight in the UFC. Stop hyping him up like he's going to resurrect Phil Lynott and schedule a Thin Lizzy reunion tour that starts and ends in San Diego with support from Uli Jon Roth era Scorpions. Still picking Hooligan Fuckhead by 2nd round TKO but just relax until he gets more wins. This Trappistes Rochefort 10 is starting to hit me pretty good, as hard as Mike Brown is going to overhand right Steven Siler's stupid face. Really hope MTB looks like his younger self tomorrow night and puts on a clinic but he's been slowing down in his last few fights. Still picking him by decision though. Diego Brandao by murder 1st round. Oh man I hate everyone in this next fight. Can't stand Armenians in general, and Nicole Millers face pisses me off forever. Soooo...wow this beer is so good. OSP has the worst initials ever and he's an even worse fighter. Hope that white guy he's fighting smashes him up. James "Michael" Vick by dogfighting doctor stoppage because I'm exhausted from writing.
Hope to see you all in the Discussion Zone tomorrow night ! Peace.
Onward To Golgotha
This fight is an absolute bitch to guess who's going to win. If Shogun could inject TRT in his knees then it'd be a whole lot easier to pick him by Psycho Crusher in the 1st round but he looked like dog shit in the Brenda Vera Wang fight and that inspires zero confidence he won't die from an asthma attack somewhere in the 25 minutes of Sonnen's violent hugging attack. On the other hand, Sonnen hasn't won at 205 in an eternity and he always chokes in these situations, kinda like how I choke at taco shops ordering wimpy bean and cheese burritos instead of 50 pounds of carne asada fries. What I'm trying to say is, I hope no one gets hurt because Sonnen has a Top 3 smile of all time and Shogun is right up there too. In conclusion, Sonnen by impossibly boring 25 minutes of limp wristed ground and pound resulting in a TKO (!) win, somewhere in the 4th round. This won't be pretty folks, not as pretty as Sonnen.
Did you guys see Travis Browne's beard ? Did you see the interview with Karyn Bryant where he said he has nightmares about losing his beard ? Homie is all ABOUT that beard life. I'm pretty proud of him. Plus we have that Hapa bond. And then Overeem. Goddamnit. I'm still laughing when Antonio "Giant Sloth" Silva knocked him out so badly that Fujita's skull started ejaculating dehydrated coconut chunks automatically. Has Reem even been cleared to fight again ? He probably thinks he has a fight with a horse meat buffet, not against a giant Hawaiian with a sweet beard. Yeah, I sound a bit salty but Overeem had all this hype and then acted like a nerd at a machismo convention and got schooled. So with that in mind, WAR HAWAIIAN BEARD ALL DAY. ALL THE MAHALOS. TRAVIS BROWNE BY SUPERFLY SPLASH.
Speaking of handsome, how bout Urijah Faber ? Yeah that buttchin is a bit intense but I wish I had his hair. Or any hair at this point. There's really no point in discussing Yuri Alcantara because this isn't a title shot so Faber wins by default. Poor kid never had a chance. Buttchinius Maximus is going to grapple-fuck the hell out of Alcantara and wrangle a tasty RNC in the 2nd round.
Can't believe I'm a Matt Brown fan in 2013. This year continues to blow my mind. What's even crazier is seeing him on a six (6) fight winning streak after he collapses Mike Pyle with midwest elbows of death. Fuck outta here if you're of the mindset that Pyle is going to submit Matt Brown. Nope. Not in 2013. If this was 2011 you can bet your ass this pick would say "Mullet Pyle by guillotine in the first second because Matt Brown has zero sub defense ever" but things change. People change. Matt Brown changed. I changed. The Immortal by mullet severing elbows 1st round, FOTN.
The last memory I have of Doomsday Howard is his forehead exploding like a puff pastry after Jake Ellenberger committed atrocities to it. I'm thinking tomorrow night might be the same unless Uriah Hall just got his black belt in Asperger's and repeats the same bullshit he pulled when he fought that small mexican guy, whatever his name was. Of course Doomsday is like twenty inches shorter than Hall and probably won't reach his chin, but you never know. I'm hoping for ultra violence, that's all. Doomsday by upset KO because I fucking love upsets, as much as carne asada fries.
Opening the main card is Creepy Joe vs a Blackzillian. Welp, that's all there is to it. J-Lau by sub 1st round, probably an armbar. Oh you really think Michael Johnson dramatically upped his cardio and sub defense in one training camp ? Get real. He was probably busy drawing portraits of Overeem and Spong's biceps. That's what I'd be doing anyways.
It's time to wrap this up, except it might take longer then expected because the prelims are actually really damn good. Prelim Stream of consciousness time:
Holy hell Mayday vs Pickett is going to be savagery. Pickett has a chin but Mayday could crack it open with an uppercut. The Wineland fight makes me hesitant to pick Pickett here, unless he can take it to the ground. Ugh. Gotta go with Mayday though, probably by decision. Already sick of this ignorant Irish pride that Dana's been shoving up our asses. Yeah, McGregor looked awesome in his debut and I'll be cheering for him but goddamn, calm down. He's only had ONE fight in the UFC. Stop hyping him up like he's going to resurrect Phil Lynott and schedule a Thin Lizzy reunion tour that starts and ends in San Diego with support from Uli Jon Roth era Scorpions. Still picking Hooligan Fuckhead by 2nd round TKO but just relax until he gets more wins. This Trappistes Rochefort 10 is starting to hit me pretty good, as hard as Mike Brown is going to overhand right Steven Siler's stupid face. Really hope MTB looks like his younger self tomorrow night and puts on a clinic but he's been slowing down in his last few fights. Still picking him by decision though. Diego Brandao by murder 1st round. Oh man I hate everyone in this next fight. Can't stand Armenians in general, and Nicole Millers face pisses me off forever. Soooo...wow this beer is so good. OSP has the worst initials ever and he's an even worse fighter. Hope that white guy he's fighting smashes him up. James "Michael" Vick by dogfighting doctor stoppage because I'm exhausted from writing.
Hope to see you all in the Discussion Zone tomorrow night ! Peace.
Friday, August 2, 2013
My Picks For UFC 163: Rei Do Gado vs 고기구이
The toughest battle of all time. Brazilian BBQ vs Korean BBQ. Who wins
tomorrow night ? Not my colon, that's for sure. Holy shit I'm starving
right now too. Damn. It's gonna be a bitch to get through these picks.
Wish me luck.
Onward To Golgotha
HHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it's finally here !! HOLY DUDE. We all get to witness the international ultraviolence that will happen in approximately 24 hours and 43 minutes. I am so ready. Well not really, I'm pretty hungry right now and that's taking a bit of my enthusiasm away, but you bet your ass I'll be bench pressing ALL the ring girls tomorrow night. And by ring girls I mean slices of cheap pizza and beer.
Let's set things straight right now: I absolutely love Jose Aldo and cheer for him every single fight except for tomorrow. I just can't go against TKZ ever. Well, if he fought Mark Hunt then I'd be cheering for Mark Hunt of course but that won't happen...right ? Yeah I'm pretty sure it won't happen. Maybe it will. Who knows. It's 2013, anything is possible. ANYWAYS. I'm going full bias mode right now and am stating ON RECORD that TKZ will demolish Aldo. It won't be close. It'll be even more brutal than the time I beat up these carne asada fries with my mouth cause they looked at me wrong. So brutal. So tastily brutal. But how's he going to win ? Flying knee ? Twister ? Korean Necktie ? Double flying knee ? Right kick hospital, left kick cemetery ? Triple flying knee ? So many options but you can only choose one. The Korean Zombie by bulgogi marinated quadruple flying knee while walking out to Zombie Apocalypse by Mortician. 미친놈, bitch.
I feel so bad for Phil Davis. So very bad. Poor kid won't be able to do fuck-all against Machida. He's gonna throw some stupid jabs ? Or some dumb headkicks with no power ? Is he gonna twerk ? Fuck outta here. He won't be able to takedown Machida so there goes 80% of his game. Of course Machida won't do anything because Phil isn't confident enough in his striking to commit, so Machida will have nothing to counter. Ugh. This is gonna be a sludge-like 15 minute staring contest. Hope they have a camera on the ring girls during this one. Maybe they'll be getting manicures or something. Whatever. Machida by oh look, I found some chips on the floor. Yum.
The rest of the fights are so terrible that I'm going to lump them all into a Stream Of Consciousness Orgy:
Seriously, 6 fighters on the main card I have absolutely zero interest in watching. This might as well be a Fuel card. Pathetic. Cezar Ferreira looks like Vitor Belfort on even more TRT and Thiago "Santos Silva Pitbull" Santos has the most generic Brazilian name ever. So not in the mood for this garbage. No one wins. Thales Ladies is on the main card of a PPV in 2013 ? Who the fuck did he win to get back in the UFC ? Fuck off. Tom Watson talks some really bad shit and will be stuck to preliminary purgatory forever because Ladies might actually win by lay n pray. Seriously, fuck this main card. John Liniker missed weight by 4 fucking pounds. The guy he's fighting looks like a bridge troll with cauliflower ear. We all lose. Vinny Magalhash could lose forever and I wouldn't care. Anthony Perosh seem like a good guy that would probably buy you a couple rounds of beers and cheese sticks every time. I like that in a human. War Nice Guy Perosh. Except he's gonna lose. Chicks are fighting and I haven't seen any of them before. Are they good ? Are you even reading this anymore ? Shit, I lost interest 30 minutes ago. War Jessice Penne's pretty nose. I have no clue who Neil Magny or Sergio Moraes are. Exciting ? Not worth a shit ? Probably not worth a shit. Man, I could honestly eat a horse right now. Like, a horse in a adobada marinade or something. So much marinade in these picks. WAR TIO CREEPY. He SHOULD smash on this little Keebler Elf lookin' dude. Tio Creepy by 1st round TKO always. Rani Yayha is the smallest featherweight ever. He could probably fight at 125 but he's a lazy fuck like me so whatevs. Yayha by flying omoplaya unless he gasses badly. I really have no clue who the next 4 fighters are so I'm not even going to write about those fuckheads. Seriously. Worst. Card. Ever. Minus the main event. Ugh. Time for beers and food and more beers. PEACE.
Onward To Golgotha
HHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it's finally here !! HOLY DUDE. We all get to witness the international ultraviolence that will happen in approximately 24 hours and 43 minutes. I am so ready. Well not really, I'm pretty hungry right now and that's taking a bit of my enthusiasm away, but you bet your ass I'll be bench pressing ALL the ring girls tomorrow night. And by ring girls I mean slices of cheap pizza and beer.
Let's set things straight right now: I absolutely love Jose Aldo and cheer for him every single fight except for tomorrow. I just can't go against TKZ ever. Well, if he fought Mark Hunt then I'd be cheering for Mark Hunt of course but that won't happen...right ? Yeah I'm pretty sure it won't happen. Maybe it will. Who knows. It's 2013, anything is possible. ANYWAYS. I'm going full bias mode right now and am stating ON RECORD that TKZ will demolish Aldo. It won't be close. It'll be even more brutal than the time I beat up these carne asada fries with my mouth cause they looked at me wrong. So brutal. So tastily brutal. But how's he going to win ? Flying knee ? Twister ? Korean Necktie ? Double flying knee ? Right kick hospital, left kick cemetery ? Triple flying knee ? So many options but you can only choose one. The Korean Zombie by bulgogi marinated quadruple flying knee while walking out to Zombie Apocalypse by Mortician. 미친놈, bitch.
I feel so bad for Phil Davis. So very bad. Poor kid won't be able to do fuck-all against Machida. He's gonna throw some stupid jabs ? Or some dumb headkicks with no power ? Is he gonna twerk ? Fuck outta here. He won't be able to takedown Machida so there goes 80% of his game. Of course Machida won't do anything because Phil isn't confident enough in his striking to commit, so Machida will have nothing to counter. Ugh. This is gonna be a sludge-like 15 minute staring contest. Hope they have a camera on the ring girls during this one. Maybe they'll be getting manicures or something. Whatever. Machida by oh look, I found some chips on the floor. Yum.
The rest of the fights are so terrible that I'm going to lump them all into a Stream Of Consciousness Orgy:
Seriously, 6 fighters on the main card I have absolutely zero interest in watching. This might as well be a Fuel card. Pathetic. Cezar Ferreira looks like Vitor Belfort on even more TRT and Thiago "Santos Silva Pitbull" Santos has the most generic Brazilian name ever. So not in the mood for this garbage. No one wins. Thales Ladies is on the main card of a PPV in 2013 ? Who the fuck did he win to get back in the UFC ? Fuck off. Tom Watson talks some really bad shit and will be stuck to preliminary purgatory forever because Ladies might actually win by lay n pray. Seriously, fuck this main card. John Liniker missed weight by 4 fucking pounds. The guy he's fighting looks like a bridge troll with cauliflower ear. We all lose. Vinny Magalhash could lose forever and I wouldn't care. Anthony Perosh seem like a good guy that would probably buy you a couple rounds of beers and cheese sticks every time. I like that in a human. War Nice Guy Perosh. Except he's gonna lose. Chicks are fighting and I haven't seen any of them before. Are they good ? Are you even reading this anymore ? Shit, I lost interest 30 minutes ago. War Jessice Penne's pretty nose. I have no clue who Neil Magny or Sergio Moraes are. Exciting ? Not worth a shit ? Probably not worth a shit. Man, I could honestly eat a horse right now. Like, a horse in a adobada marinade or something. So much marinade in these picks. WAR TIO CREEPY. He SHOULD smash on this little Keebler Elf lookin' dude. Tio Creepy by 1st round TKO always. Rani Yayha is the smallest featherweight ever. He could probably fight at 125 but he's a lazy fuck like me so whatevs. Yayha by flying omoplaya unless he gasses badly. I really have no clue who the next 4 fighters are so I'm not even going to write about those fuckheads. Seriously. Worst. Card. Ever. Minus the main event. Ugh. Time for beers and food and more beers. PEACE.
Friday, July 26, 2013
My Picks For UFC On Fox: Mouse Man vs Baby Cholo
How do you get pumped up to go out on a Friday night ? Do laundry while listening to the new Gorguts. Works for me. And then tomorrow is a free card with awesome fights ? Oh yes. My body is READY for this weekend.
Onward To Golgotha
Dude seriously, who the FUCK is John Moraga ? I MAY have seen one of his fights but he's always been on the prelims right ? So who's the ad wizard that said "oh sure bro let's put some cholo in the MAIN EVENT on NATIONAL TELEVISION" when no one has ever seen him fight ? He probably stabs someone at Roberto's every Friday night. Who fucking knows. Why don't they just match up John Dodson with Benavidez ? Oh that would make too much sense though. Whoops. Gosh, I sure am angry right now even though tonight is going to rule. OK ENOUGH BAD VIBRATIONS TIME FOR HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Mighty Mouse by drama-free unanimous decision. Ah shit, that just took the fun out of this paragraph already. Sorry guys. But on the real, Mighty Mouse fights just don't interest me. He's gonna use decent footwork but still get hit in the face a bunch, he's gonna take you down for a few seconds, he's gonna show no power in his striking ever, he might throw a headkick, and that's a Mighty Mouse fight. And I don't know shit about John Moraga except he's a proud resident of Arizona and I fucking hate that state. This is a lose-lose situation for everyone. Praying for something zany to happen though, like Mighty Mouse Corey Hills is leg completely and Moraga is champ for like 1 month until Benavidez knocks him out. Welp.
Oh man I wish Rory McDonalds would fuck off forever. So tired of his shit. Fashionista over here is making it really difficult to take Canada seriously. Sorry Ken Mode. I'm glad Ellendegeneresburger agrees with me and is tired of his shit too. Kid looks so goofy and awkward. Natures Michael Cera. Oh goddamnit. I tried to leave Michael Cera out of my life but there he goes, awkwardly snaking his way in. Bastard. I'm glad I just came up with a new nickname for Rory though. So hows this fight going down ? With Natures Michael Cera crashing face first into the canvas as the Juggernaut jumps over the octagon and punches Arianny in the face a million times. I honestly don't see why everyone is so hyped about Rory. He beat up two lightweights, Che Mills, and uhh...shit I can't remember. Ellendegeneresburger by left hook KO. Fuck off Natures Michael Cera.
War Robbie Lawler. The only time I didn't cheer for him is when he fought Manhoef, a fight I'll never bring up. I've never seen Bobby Voltron fight but his neck looks funny so he probably sucks. Robbie finna flying knee that bozos face off and then fight Jake Ellenberger for the next title shot. Ohhhh mannnnnn that'd be such a good fight. Duuuuudeeee yesssssss. Lawler by 1st round bicycle kick KO.
Oh, Liz Carmouche. The woman that's never beaten anyone with a winning record. Oh. No big deal. Let's just hype her up anyways as a top 3 bantamweight for some reason. Yep. I really hope Andrade smashes on Carmouches Urijah Faber-ish face into oblivion but she'll probably get lay n prayed for 15 minutes. I don't know. Do you guys care about this fight ? Nope ? Me neither. Gonna be chugging some barrel aged stouts during this one. Uhhh...Andrade by having a winning record. I just want a beer right now.
Now it's time for my favorite part. The Prelims Stream of Consciousness:
Michael Chiesa's beard is seriously impressive. If Roy Nelson lost 100 pounds he'd look like that. Man I really need to urinate. Jorge Masvidal missed weight though and that does not inspire confidence. I can't pick against Gamebred ever though, war Masvidal by TKO 2nd round. Tim Means missed weight brutally so that means Danny Castillo is gonna lay n pray for 15 minutes, maybe even getting a stoppage in the 3rd round even though he'll probably be gassed. Melvin Guillard should blast right through Mac Danzig in spectacular black fashion but this is where he usually brain farts and gets submitted before the fight even starts somehow. Still going with my gut and picking Guillard by blacksplosiveness in the 1st round. Seems like most people are picking Cruickshank to win, I don't think I've seen him fight though PLUS I'm never picking against Thugjitsu. So war Yves Edwards by Larry Holmes dropkick to the face KO 2nd round. Ed Herman looks like Josh Homme. That's enough to win. War Julie Kedzie Invicta never die. Aaron Riley is so old. Don't know who Justin Salas is but he can't be as old as him. War Salsa. I keep hearing that John Albert is the best terrible fighter ever so I'm kinda excited to see him tomorrow night except I'll be napping during the prelims. Whoops.
TIME TO PARTY BITCHES. PEACE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LECHE.
Onward To Golgotha
Dude seriously, who the FUCK is John Moraga ? I MAY have seen one of his fights but he's always been on the prelims right ? So who's the ad wizard that said "oh sure bro let's put some cholo in the MAIN EVENT on NATIONAL TELEVISION" when no one has ever seen him fight ? He probably stabs someone at Roberto's every Friday night. Who fucking knows. Why don't they just match up John Dodson with Benavidez ? Oh that would make too much sense though. Whoops. Gosh, I sure am angry right now even though tonight is going to rule. OK ENOUGH BAD VIBRATIONS TIME FOR HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Mighty Mouse by drama-free unanimous decision. Ah shit, that just took the fun out of this paragraph already. Sorry guys. But on the real, Mighty Mouse fights just don't interest me. He's gonna use decent footwork but still get hit in the face a bunch, he's gonna take you down for a few seconds, he's gonna show no power in his striking ever, he might throw a headkick, and that's a Mighty Mouse fight. And I don't know shit about John Moraga except he's a proud resident of Arizona and I fucking hate that state. This is a lose-lose situation for everyone. Praying for something zany to happen though, like Mighty Mouse Corey Hills is leg completely and Moraga is champ for like 1 month until Benavidez knocks him out. Welp.
Oh man I wish Rory McDonalds would fuck off forever. So tired of his shit. Fashionista over here is making it really difficult to take Canada seriously. Sorry Ken Mode. I'm glad Ellendegeneresburger agrees with me and is tired of his shit too. Kid looks so goofy and awkward. Natures Michael Cera. Oh goddamnit. I tried to leave Michael Cera out of my life but there he goes, awkwardly snaking his way in. Bastard. I'm glad I just came up with a new nickname for Rory though. So hows this fight going down ? With Natures Michael Cera crashing face first into the canvas as the Juggernaut jumps over the octagon and punches Arianny in the face a million times. I honestly don't see why everyone is so hyped about Rory. He beat up two lightweights, Che Mills, and uhh...shit I can't remember. Ellendegeneresburger by left hook KO. Fuck off Natures Michael Cera.
War Robbie Lawler. The only time I didn't cheer for him is when he fought Manhoef, a fight I'll never bring up. I've never seen Bobby Voltron fight but his neck looks funny so he probably sucks. Robbie finna flying knee that bozos face off and then fight Jake Ellenberger for the next title shot. Ohhhh mannnnnn that'd be such a good fight. Duuuuudeeee yesssssss. Lawler by 1st round bicycle kick KO.
Oh, Liz Carmouche. The woman that's never beaten anyone with a winning record. Oh. No big deal. Let's just hype her up anyways as a top 3 bantamweight for some reason. Yep. I really hope Andrade smashes on Carmouches Urijah Faber-ish face into oblivion but she'll probably get lay n prayed for 15 minutes. I don't know. Do you guys care about this fight ? Nope ? Me neither. Gonna be chugging some barrel aged stouts during this one. Uhhh...Andrade by having a winning record. I just want a beer right now.
Now it's time for my favorite part. The Prelims Stream of Consciousness:
Michael Chiesa's beard is seriously impressive. If Roy Nelson lost 100 pounds he'd look like that. Man I really need to urinate. Jorge Masvidal missed weight though and that does not inspire confidence. I can't pick against Gamebred ever though, war Masvidal by TKO 2nd round. Tim Means missed weight brutally so that means Danny Castillo is gonna lay n pray for 15 minutes, maybe even getting a stoppage in the 3rd round even though he'll probably be gassed. Melvin Guillard should blast right through Mac Danzig in spectacular black fashion but this is where he usually brain farts and gets submitted before the fight even starts somehow. Still going with my gut and picking Guillard by blacksplosiveness in the 1st round. Seems like most people are picking Cruickshank to win, I don't think I've seen him fight though PLUS I'm never picking against Thugjitsu. So war Yves Edwards by Larry Holmes dropkick to the face KO 2nd round. Ed Herman looks like Josh Homme. That's enough to win. War Julie Kedzie Invicta never die. Aaron Riley is so old. Don't know who Justin Salas is but he can't be as old as him. War Salsa. I keep hearing that John Albert is the best terrible fighter ever so I'm kinda excited to see him tomorrow night except I'll be napping during the prelims. Whoops.
TIME TO PARTY BITCHES. PEACE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LECHE.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Post-Fight Analysis For UFC 162: What The Hell Was That
I still have no reaction to that. My jaw might have slacked a bit but
other than that I didn't really yell, or jump around, or punch the air,
nothing. It just felt weird. My initial thought was that it was fixed.
Yeah, shut up, but it popped in my head so deal with it. Watching the
knockout about 1,000 times last night while eating donuts, you see
Weidman set up the left hook that drops Anderson with a right back fist,
so I'm pretty sure Weidman was listening to Dim Mak in the locker room
the whole night. Just ridiculous. Silva looked like a straight BITCH
last night and I'm glad he finally paid the price (even though I was
always cheering for him when he clowned Bonnar, Griffin, Maia, etc...).
What a dick. And then to quasi-retire after he lost ? Nick Diaz level
bi-polar shit. Congrats to Weidman all the way. I'd love to see him fight Belfort, Mousasi, MELVIN MANHOEF POUND FOR POUND CHAMPION NEXT TO MARK HUNT, and Jacare. Melvin Manhoef destroys Weidman though so it doesn't even matter.
CONTINUING ON.
Edgar looked good, but Oliveira looked better even though he lost. I really thought Oliveira was getting smoked in the first round but he stood his ground and really brought the mosh. Third round turned into some serious stand n bang and I was loving it. With Siver losing, I could see Oliveira being ranked #10 maybe. Right ? That sounds reasonable to me. And Edgar needs to fight Chad Mendes before they talk about him getting another title shot. Jesus christ. Awesome fight. The featherweights always get turnt up.
Roger Gracie on some Rolles Gracie level conditioning. Chump shit. Gassing out after 3 minutes of grappling ? Come on son. Get it together. Tim Kennedy looked ok...? Whatever. He still pisses me off with his terrible tweeting skills.
Mark Munoz was on some beast-mode lumpia-eating savagery last night. For once his wrestling looked spot on, his cardio never wavered, and he was just violent. I forgot how ridiculous his ground n pound is. No one else gets the torque like him. Scary shit. Weidman kills him after Manhoef though so whatevs.
I told you guys Cub Swanson was gonna kill Panzer Division Siver but no one believed me. Bozos. Mini Daniel Craig impressed me with his top control in that first round though, had no clue he actually trained joo-jeetzu. Who does Swanson fight next ? Does he cut in front of Lamas for next title shot ? Does he fight Edgar ? Who knows. I would like to see him rematch Aldo though. Good stuff.
*le sigh*
What a weird night.
CONTINUING ON.
Edgar looked good, but Oliveira looked better even though he lost. I really thought Oliveira was getting smoked in the first round but he stood his ground and really brought the mosh. Third round turned into some serious stand n bang and I was loving it. With Siver losing, I could see Oliveira being ranked #10 maybe. Right ? That sounds reasonable to me. And Edgar needs to fight Chad Mendes before they talk about him getting another title shot. Jesus christ. Awesome fight. The featherweights always get turnt up.
Roger Gracie on some Rolles Gracie level conditioning. Chump shit. Gassing out after 3 minutes of grappling ? Come on son. Get it together. Tim Kennedy looked ok...? Whatever. He still pisses me off with his terrible tweeting skills.
Mark Munoz was on some beast-mode lumpia-eating savagery last night. For once his wrestling looked spot on, his cardio never wavered, and he was just violent. I forgot how ridiculous his ground n pound is. No one else gets the torque like him. Scary shit. Weidman kills him after Manhoef though so whatevs.
I told you guys Cub Swanson was gonna kill Panzer Division Siver but no one believed me. Bozos. Mini Daniel Craig impressed me with his top control in that first round though, had no clue he actually trained joo-jeetzu. Who does Swanson fight next ? Does he cut in front of Lamas for next title shot ? Does he fight Edgar ? Who knows. I would like to see him rematch Aldo though. Good stuff.
*le sigh*
What a weird night.
Friday, July 5, 2013
My Picks For UFC 162: The Spider vs The Ginzo
Hey what's up dudes. Anyone drunk yet ? I'm not but I'm getting there.
Chugging this Stone Russian Imperial Stout right now on an empty
stomach, by the time I get to the prelims I'll have faceplanted on my
keyboard at least 187 times. That's my goal anyways. Oh, how was your
4th of July ? Mine was alright, ate 3 different desserts so that's a
good start. Pretty sure I have ALL the types of diabetes right now. So
worth it. Anyways...
Onward To Golgotha
PLEASE shut the fuck up about Chris Weidman already. Please. I am so sick of you ginzo wop fucks trying to convince a Tony Soprano-less universe that Chris Weidman has a chance. GET. REAL. I love gabagool as much as anyone else but don't give me this shit that because "he believes in himself" that he'll win. Really guy ? If that shit worked then I'd already be married to Camilla Belle, we'd have a welsh corgi farm, and our own restaurant called Swole's that would serve only the best flautas and craft beer in San Diego but that never happened. So don't tell me that Chris Weidman is going to submit (!!!) or TKO (!!!!!!) Anderson Silva just because he has faith in his abilities. He only had ONE good win and it was against a fat Mark Munoz that had a really bad haircut and an injured knee. Oh, he beat Alessio Suckara and Tom Lawlor ? That gives you hope he'll be the one to not only beat Anderson Silva, but FINISH him ?! Oh my god dude. I fucking hate all of you. Shit, I forgot I have to make a pick. Anderson Silva by whacking him like ''Big Pussy'' Bonspensiero and throwing him off the boat.
There's nothing to discuss regarding the Frankie Edgar vs Aloe Vera fight. Come on man. Biggest squash match of the year. Just disgusting matchmaking by Joe Silva. Yeah, Edgar hasn't won in his last 3 fights but to get another highlight reel moment like this is just pathetic. I would love nothing more than Aloe Vera to shock the world and submit or flying knee Edgar into a living death but that's...no. Not happening. Ugh. Total bullshit. Edgar by whatever he wants.
If Tim Kennedy would shut his whore mouth and stop trying to be controversial or zany or acting like some militant alpha male (which he is none of the above) I might actually pay attention when he fights, but he never gets the memo. And because of that I hope Hoger Gracie chokes his jabroni head clean off. I hope Hoger walks out to the most Islamic Pro-Allah song ever and burns the American flag in the cage. What's Kennedy gonna do ? Run to his phone and post an angry tweet ? Die. Hoger by hating the United States Of America.
Yeah, Mark Munoz losing 75 pounds for this fight is impressive and yeah ya know, dealing with depression sucks, I know all about that but like...who cares. He really thinks he'll be "in the mix" after beating Borscht ? Wow. He might have skipped depression and just went full schizophrenic. Poor guy. He DID look really damn good at the weigh-ins though, pretty motivating for a fat sumo fuck like me. Too bad Borscht is gonna KO him with redneck uppercuts of death in the 1st round.
Mr. So Cal vs Panzer Division Siver is gonna be fight of the night. It might actually only last one round but it'll be the craziest three minutes of face punching ever. Uh oh, I'm buzzed. I'm just honestly surprised that so many people are picking Panzer Division Siver to win. He drops to featherweight and beats two guys by decision while Mr. So Cal's been killing everybody with brutal KO's. I uhh...yeah I don't get that line of thinking. Buncha Nazi lovers, you sick fucks. Cub Swanson by Nazibuster 1st round. Deal with it haters.
Time for my favorite part of the night, prelims stream of consciousness rambling:
Chris Leben lives in San Diego now but I haven't seen him yet. Maybe we'll catch up at L&L soon. (That's a Hawaiian restaurant for all you uneducated weenies out there). WAR Leben all day. Andrew Craig looks like a fat Urijah Faber. Who the fuck is Norman Parke ? Who the fuck is Kazuhisa Takanori ? Losers. Dave Herman sucks a bag. Gabriel Gonzaga sucks an even bigger back. But who will suck just enough to win ? Probably Gonzaga. I don't know, this fight will probably suck a bunch of suck. Edson Barboza by Lekobuster because the guy he's fighting has a crappy beard. Seth Backnezinskkykykyyyy is ok. The guy he's fighting probably sucks. Guess Seth wins. Mike Pierce by either supremely boring decision or brutal finish. Who knows. I don't know, I'm too drunk to make a pick.
Anyways, enjoi your Friday night. I'm gonna have more beer. I love you all.
-SwolePeer
Onward To Golgotha
PLEASE shut the fuck up about Chris Weidman already. Please. I am so sick of you ginzo wop fucks trying to convince a Tony Soprano-less universe that Chris Weidman has a chance. GET. REAL. I love gabagool as much as anyone else but don't give me this shit that because "he believes in himself" that he'll win. Really guy ? If that shit worked then I'd already be married to Camilla Belle, we'd have a welsh corgi farm, and our own restaurant called Swole's that would serve only the best flautas and craft beer in San Diego but that never happened. So don't tell me that Chris Weidman is going to submit (!!!) or TKO (!!!!!!) Anderson Silva just because he has faith in his abilities. He only had ONE good win and it was against a fat Mark Munoz that had a really bad haircut and an injured knee. Oh, he beat Alessio Suckara and Tom Lawlor ? That gives you hope he'll be the one to not only beat Anderson Silva, but FINISH him ?! Oh my god dude. I fucking hate all of you. Shit, I forgot I have to make a pick. Anderson Silva by whacking him like ''Big Pussy'' Bonspensiero and throwing him off the boat.
There's nothing to discuss regarding the Frankie Edgar vs Aloe Vera fight. Come on man. Biggest squash match of the year. Just disgusting matchmaking by Joe Silva. Yeah, Edgar hasn't won in his last 3 fights but to get another highlight reel moment like this is just pathetic. I would love nothing more than Aloe Vera to shock the world and submit or flying knee Edgar into a living death but that's...no. Not happening. Ugh. Total bullshit. Edgar by whatever he wants.
If Tim Kennedy would shut his whore mouth and stop trying to be controversial or zany or acting like some militant alpha male (which he is none of the above) I might actually pay attention when he fights, but he never gets the memo. And because of that I hope Hoger Gracie chokes his jabroni head clean off. I hope Hoger walks out to the most Islamic Pro-Allah song ever and burns the American flag in the cage. What's Kennedy gonna do ? Run to his phone and post an angry tweet ? Die. Hoger by hating the United States Of America.
Yeah, Mark Munoz losing 75 pounds for this fight is impressive and yeah ya know, dealing with depression sucks, I know all about that but like...who cares. He really thinks he'll be "in the mix" after beating Borscht ? Wow. He might have skipped depression and just went full schizophrenic. Poor guy. He DID look really damn good at the weigh-ins though, pretty motivating for a fat sumo fuck like me. Too bad Borscht is gonna KO him with redneck uppercuts of death in the 1st round.
Mr. So Cal vs Panzer Division Siver is gonna be fight of the night. It might actually only last one round but it'll be the craziest three minutes of face punching ever. Uh oh, I'm buzzed. I'm just honestly surprised that so many people are picking Panzer Division Siver to win. He drops to featherweight and beats two guys by decision while Mr. So Cal's been killing everybody with brutal KO's. I uhh...yeah I don't get that line of thinking. Buncha Nazi lovers, you sick fucks. Cub Swanson by Nazibuster 1st round. Deal with it haters.
Time for my favorite part of the night, prelims stream of consciousness rambling:
Chris Leben lives in San Diego now but I haven't seen him yet. Maybe we'll catch up at L&L soon. (That's a Hawaiian restaurant for all you uneducated weenies out there). WAR Leben all day. Andrew Craig looks like a fat Urijah Faber. Who the fuck is Norman Parke ? Who the fuck is Kazuhisa Takanori ? Losers. Dave Herman sucks a bag. Gabriel Gonzaga sucks an even bigger back. But who will suck just enough to win ? Probably Gonzaga. I don't know, this fight will probably suck a bunch of suck. Edson Barboza by Lekobuster because the guy he's fighting has a crappy beard. Seth Backnezinskkykykyyyy is ok. The guy he's fighting probably sucks. Guess Seth wins. Mike Pierce by either supremely boring decision or brutal finish. Who knows. I don't know, I'm too drunk to make a pick.
Anyways, enjoi your Friday night. I'm gonna have more beer. I love you all.
-SwolePeer
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