My Picks For UFC Fight Night: The Hunt For Bigfoot

It's Thursday night and I'm getting fully turnt up on beers, chips and guacamole, and plenty of riffs. In less then 24 hours I get to watch my favorite fighter of all time, and then chase it with more beers with rad bros. This weekend will be getting off to a proper start. Hope all you savages enjoi it too.

Onward To Golgotha

The last time I wrote about Mark Hunt I was fully ready to dye my beard blonde and go Super Samoan mode. I was on top of the world and then around 8pm all that fell apart as The Oceania Super Fighter crumbled from the most unpredictable Lekobuster that ever happened. I didn't even have a reaction. I just sat there. Numb. "...what ? Did that really happen ? Really ? Huh..." and then I went on the rest of my night, shambling around depressed. Not even the Island girl I met up with later that night helped. That moment just killed my enthusiasm. But it's starting to come back knowing that tomorrow night he'll be crushing Bigfoot with another left hook/right uppercut walk-off KO and I'll be flipping couches and getting Samoan tattoos on my forehead. Motherfuckers. 

Oh Shogun. What happened brudda ? Was it too many H-Bombs to your handsome face ? Chael Sonnen of all people subbing you in like 3 seconds ? Not dropping to 185 ? When did it go wrong man ? You can tell us. We won't judge you. But now you're fighting James The Tuna. Who the FUCK is that guy ? Has he ever been on the main card of a PPV ? I'm too lazy to check his Wiki but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Why are you fighting low level guys in Australia now ? What the hell man. You're supposed to be fighting Machida for a 4th time at 185 in Brazil or something. Not this, man. Not this. I pray your chin still holds up and your cardio doesn't fail you after flopping on one takedown attempt. Please kill this kid. Please kill this kid by boring decision if you have to. What the fuck. I can't put up with this heartbreak anymore. Shogun by fucking muay thai clinch molestation knees to your fucking face death KO fucking murdering people n shit time to die RIP RIP RIP.

The Hippo by KO. Fuck the dogdick Ryan Bader piece of shit jabroni. He worse than the Miley Cyrus raisindick.

Pat Barry got KO'd by Shawn Jordan. Who is Shawn Jordan you ask ? Some fat white guy with a bad tattoo. Now he's fighting a fat Islander with rad tattoos. Pat Barry is getting like quadruple KO'd this time n shit. Poor kid. Soa Paleleleleleleieielielielieeee by Atomic Buttdrop.

Dylan Andrews appears to be Samoan or Tongan or Maori or something and Clint Hester is currently crying because Nelson Mandela died so Dylan by ROCK BOTTOM ! ROCK BOTTOM !

Hahaha Nam Phan thinks he's going to get away with his bullshit at 135 ? Think again kiddo. Teriyaki Mizugaki is a son of a bitch and he doesn't care what you're good at, he's beating you wherever he wants. You're good at liking Jamie Chung ? He'll propose to her on Instagram and get a million engagement rings wrapped in salmon nigiri. You're good at losing to Leonard Garcia ? Bro, he'll fuckin' lose 1,000,000 times just to beat him 1,000,001 times out of spite. Fuck your life Nam Phan. Get a new fucking haircut bro. Teriyaki Mizugaki by some move from Street Fighter that I'm too lazy to look up.

Preliminary stream of consciousness: 

Did you guys see Bitch Correia try to intimidate Julie Kedzie at the weigh-ins ? My god the douchechills. Julie Kedzie still looks like The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels so she'll be winning by Sweet Chin Music TKO 1st round fuckos. Caio Mglahash looks like the shittiest goblin ever and Nick Ring just plain sucks. No one wins. Justin Scoggins looks like he's a proud Irishman that only drinks Bushmills like a poser. The guy he's fighting looks equally as douchey though so no one wins again. Seriously, the rest of the fights I have no clue who these guys are so I'm going to get back to drinking. Cheers you fucks.

My Picks For UFC 167: Clean Shaven Canadian Wuss Face vs Beard Bro OR Will Campuzano's Boner

Flexing from all the pizza and beer flowing through my veins right now. Is there a better combination to raise your machismo levels with ? Doubt it. Let's discuss tomorrows fights before I pass out from cheese coma.

Onward To Golgotha

I'm praying to the Elder Gods that GSP gets knocked out tomorrow night. I don't know what the fuck you guys are watching but he's bored me to death since the Thiago Alves fight. That's 4 years (four) of shrugging when a fight of his is announced. 6 fights, 25 minutes each, that's like, 150 minutes I coulda spent NOT watching GSP jab jab jab takedown jab jab jab his opponents. I coulda chugged approximately 150 gallons of beer. I coulda ate 150 tons of pizza. But no. I sat on my ass watching GSP be a fucking prude with his fighting style. Fuck that shit bro. Jimmy Hendrix is gonna knock this Canadian wuss boy all the way to his grave in shitty Winnipeg. GSP is the Shocktop/Blue Moon of MMA. Fucking die already. Jimmy Hendrix washes his beard in barrel aged imperial stouts and combs it with bacon wrapped turkey legs. Fuck, I'm starving. What I'm trying to say is, I am sick of GSP crapping up the division and Johny Hendricks by bearded murder.

If Rashad Evans loses it'll be the best set up for the main event. Rashad's looked like dogdick forever (natures GSP) and Chael Sonnen just made Shogun tap. Imagine if Sonnen taps Rashad for the first time in his career ? Bro, I would FREAK OUT. Well not really, but I would clap and post a ton of exclamation points on Facebook. BUHLEE DAT. But on the real, Chael is beating Rashad with his pace alone. He might not do any damage but he'll keep pressure on Rashad the whole time. Who knows, he might even get a late TKO. Probably not. But I'll be excited. Chael by TKO fuck it YOLO.

Oh. Rory Macdonald. He's supposed to excite me ? Fuck off. He's supposed to be the future of MMA ? Fucking die. He's the future of being a total fucking douchebag and never winning a championship ever. Only thing he's good at is looking like a pile of shit in those suits he wears. Sweet personality bro. Robbie Lawler is gonna KO your stupid fucking haircut off forever and then he'll knock out GSP too because why the fuck not. I hate Rory Macdonald.

Oh. Josh Koscheck. You see what I wrote for Rory Macdonald ? Apply it to him too. Fucking hate that piece of shit. Tyrone Woodley is just as bad but whatever. I'm not cheering for anyone. Maybe Vanessa Hanson will hit me up on Instagram tho.

Tim Elliott has the sweetest beard ever but he's fighting a Dagestanian. Dagestan doesn't fuck around bro. Did you see that video of Kebab Nurmy wrestling a BEAR ? Yeah. I don't think Tim Elliott has. Dagestan by bear wrestling.

Preliminary stream of consciousness:

Think Donald Cerrone will actually fight against Dunham ? Doubt it. When the fight doesn't go his way he gets this look in his eyes, similar to BJ Penn, and you know he's going to lose the fight. Poor guy. Dunham but not having scared weenie eyes. Thales Leites looked pretty good against Tom Watson and I think he'll beat Ed Herman since that dude loves to fight dumb sometimes. Can't believe I'm picking Tall Ladies. Ugh. Rick "Bedtime" Story is abysmal to watch and Ebersole doesn't do enough to get attention from the judges. Bedtime Story might win this one. Yuck. GOYITO POWER CABRONES. He's fighting a guy with the worst facial hair ever so you already know who's winning this one. VIVA MEXICO JABRONIS. Jason High is the raddest dude on Twitter so he wins. Sergio Pettis going up against WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Did you see the weigh ins ? WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION was the best part of it. Worst part ? Sergio Pettis' haircut. Yes, I'm fucking cheering for a literal penis to win this fight. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Gian Villante is still in the UFC ? Wow. Who's Cody Donovan ? Doesn't matter. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION AGAIN.

Time to wash the grease off my face and eat more pizza.

PEACE.

My Picks For UFC: Machida vs Munoz aka Sushi vs Lumpia

Well this is a first. Writing these picks in the waiting room at the car dealership. On my phone of course. No beer, no tunes, no nothin'. Shit. Let's see what happens. 

Onward To Golgotha

Handsome Machida finally made it down to middleweight. Did y'all see how good he looked at the weigh ins ? Wowowow. Munoz looked bricked up as usual though. Won't make a difference because Machida is going to blast that lumpia rollers dumb Pinoy face off. Ok that sounded a bit racist, well maybe. You ain't stopping me from saying what I want. Until you've almost died in a Seafood City parking lot you have no right to criticize my disdain for Pinoy drivers. If Mark Munoz drives as badly as he attempts takedowns then you're all in danger of being in a head on collision while shopping for sisig and adobo. Wow I really went off track there. Hold up, I can tie this all together: Japanense fighters are better than Pinoy fighters. Shots fired. Machida is going to stuff all of Munoz's sloppy takedowns and overhand rights, counter with step-in knees to the body and finish with a Superjap punch to the brain. Japan by KO 1st round bakas. 

I've been sitting here 10 minutes and I already need a beer. 

So I was going to write some pretty awesome stuff about the Melvin Guillard/Ross Pearson fight but then I read about Tito injuring his neck for the millionth time and now the Bellator PPV is a total clusterfuck and that's all I care about now. Holy shit. The main event for your first PPV gets injured a week before ? Oh man. It was already a dumb fight to begin with and an even dumber idea to go to PPV but this is just amazing. And now it gets put on free tv. Holy hell. The Universe hates Bellator and Tito. Anyways, Melvin by KO because Nicole Miller of all people blasted Ross Pearson and Melvin is a lot more blacker than Nicole Miller.

Oh no. Oh no. Ryan Jimmo is on the main card against an exciting striker. No. Why would you do that Joe Silva ? Do you hate fun ? Or do you really think Manuwa can KO Jimmo before he turns it into the most boring fight ever ? Ugh. Praying that Manuwa can molest Jimmo as badly as he molested Kyle Kingsbury. I know this is a place for outrageous picks but Jimmo just takes the fun out of anything. Jimmo by super boring decision. Ugh that felt terrible to type. Thanks Canada.

Norman Parke is a proud Chamorro (aka he's Guamanian) so I have to cheer for him because I was in love with a Guamanian girl before and I always keep it fucking real. He's fighting a guy with an absolutely terrible haircut too. So theres that. Chamorro by kelaguen flavored fisting.

Preliminary stream of consciousness:

Alessio Sakara is still in the UFC. Wow. The guy he's fighting looks pretty crappy though. No on wins. Phil "Paul" Harris is fighting a guy that missed weight 3 times (three !!!) already, and he's a goddamn flyweight. Get the fuck out. Never cheer for a cheater. War Philhares. Al Iaquinta beat Ryan Couture so I'll cheer for him forever. Andrew Craig looks like Urijah Faber. That's enough. Rosi Sexton probably makes some badass green curry. I love green curry. Fuck Nicole Miller in the face until the end of time. Andy Ogle sucks but not as badly as Nicole Miller. Jim Hettes is a good guy. I'd hang out with him for sure. The guy he's fighting looks like a royal dick though. War good guy. Michael Kuipers last name pisses me off. Bradley Scott must be boring as fuck to talk to. Everyone loses.

I need a beer.

My Picks For UFC 166: Brown Pride vs Double Santos DA TRILOGY

Oh hey what's up dudes. How you doin ? Man, I'm just watching Bellator, enjoying this beer, and figuring out what to get for dinner. Maybe sushi, or curry, or a burrito, or a hamburger, or pizza, or more beer, who knows. Ya know ? You never know what I'm going to eat. Anyways, I need to hurry up and bang these picks out.

Onward To Golgotha

This is hard to say but I'm missing the entire card tomorrow night. GASP. Yep, but theres an epic beer event and I'm not missing it for the world. Well if Mark Hunt was fighting for the belt I'd skip it but that's not happening so yeah. Of course I'll be checking Twitter for updates so I won't be totally left out.

Hahahah you guys really think I'm picking Dos Santos this time ? Fuck no. Fuck him. Anyone that wheel kick KO's Mark Hunt is a giant piece of shit and deserves to lose every fight forever. "But Anthony, isn't that being a tad irrational ?" fucking maybe. Think I give a shit though ? Nope. Just because of that I'm picking Cain out of spite, even though I secretly want Two Santos to win...whatever. My hypocrisy knows no bounds. War Doc Holliday. Ok enough farting around. Hows it going down ? Well Cain is going to be fueled by some barrel aged bean and cheese burritos, he's going to headkick Arianny in the head with a kick to the head, then sing the Mexico national anthem with Vicente Fernandez (the beaner with the grey hair and big sombrero, AKA all mexicans), and steamroll Dos Santos with that signature mexican work ethic. TKO 2nd round ? 3rd round ? 4th round ? Maybe a one punch KO. Who knows. I won't, cause I'm gonna be drinking tasty beers and making obnoxious jokes. BOOM. Cain by Bean Power.

Roy Nelson is fat and keeps talking about losing weight but he never does, just like me. Cormier actually lost some weight and is looking a lot better, he might actually finish Roy Nelson. Do I care ? Not really. Say he wins and then fights Jones, are you REALLY going to pick him to beat Jones ? Get outta here guy. Black Fedor should stick to KO'ing fat fucks at heavyweight but that's his decision and I'm too busy dreaming of surf n turf burritos to give a crap. Fedor Emelianegro by TKO 1st round.

Gilbert Melendez is going to fucking destroy Diego Sanchez. Maybe in the 1st minute, maybe in 15 minutes. I don't know but it will be fucking violent and I'm actually bummed I'll be missing this fight. Dudes, have you SEEN how beautiful Gilbert Melendez's family is ? I am so envious of all the incredible genetics in that family. I want that. Gilbert by death.

Gabriel Gonzaga's mustache is absolutely incredible and will bring him to victory when he flying gogoplatas Shawn "Bland White Guy" Jordan. Yeah, I have no interest in this fight clearly.

John Dodson is absolutely insufferable but he sure is fun as hell to watch when he's on his game. Darrel Montague fought in TPF (Taco Palace Fights) and I'll always hold a place in my heart for their terrible choppy streams on Sherdog but he's getting smoked in this match. Poor kid. Dodson by whatever I'm not watching this fight.

Ohh yesss preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Borscht is going to Redneck Judo the shit off of CB Doucheways douchebag face so hard the entire arena will get douchechills. Oh yes. Hector Lombard looked like dogshit at 170 and will still somehow win a boring fight against Nate "Original Doucheface" Marquardt. Whatever. Jessica Eye has a name that attracts me but I haven't looked at the weigh-in pics to confirm being attracted to her. Sarah Kaufman bores me to death. War potentially attractive Jessica Eye. George Badapopolous has looked terrible for a few years now and I can't believe he's signed to the UFC. Too bad this'll be his last fight because KJ Noons is going to knock his old New Zealand face off his old New Zealand head. Adlan Amagov looks like the crazy Euro dude you want in your posse to fuck shit up when shit goes down at the pub. TJ Whataburger does not. War Crazy Euro Posse Dude. Tony Ferguson is going to fuck up the guy he's fighting, whatever his name is. Andre Phyllo Dough missed weight. Loser. Jeremy Larsen didn't, whoever the fuck he is. Never heard of Kyoji Horiguchi but he's Japanese so he's going to win because duh.

That's enough. Time for dinner with good people. Peace bitches.

My Picks For UFC 165: Tall Black Guy vs Tall White Guy

Well this is a first, I'm blogging stone cold sober. And it sucks. At least I'll be imbibing in a few hours while celebrating a couple birthdays. Ok enough chit chat, time to get down to business.

Onward To Golgotha

"LOOK HOW TALL JON JONES IS ! WOW HE HAS LONG ARMS AND (AND !) LONG LEGS ! HOLY SHIT. BUT LOOK AT GUSTAFFSON ! HE ALSO HAS LONG ARMS AND LONG LEGS ! AND HE'S WHITE ! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK !!" That's how you promote a title fight you stupid bimbos ? By talking about the length of their penises and not their actual fighting skills ? Fuck off UFC. I mean I guess they might as well compare penis length cause Gustaffson has no chance at beating Jones anyways but still, at least be somewhat original in hyping up a fight with the most dominant 205'er that ever existed. The only way Gustaffson wins is if he walks out to Deathevocation by Dismember but he doesn't look like someone that listens to them so uhhh, yeah, HE GONNA DIE. But how's he going to die ? Anaconda strangulation (I'm a black belt in puns) ? Jones has the arm AND penis length to do it. I don't think we'll ever see a penis choke in the UFC though, so that's out of the question. Hellbows From Hell ? Probably. I'm really tired of talking about penises tonight, so like, Boner Jones by 1st round spinning back elbow to the liver. Oh fuck. Can you imagine taking a spinning elbow to your liver ? Duuuuude. Fuck that. You'd be pissing blood to infinity and beyond. Yeesh.

Oh there's another title fight ? Fuckin' a. Oh, it's Eddie Wineland against Barao ? Poor guy. Wineland is getting starched quickly or dismantled at a leisurely pace. Wineland has some strong straight punches but jesus, dude leaves his chin up so badly I get concussions just watching him spar. Yeah it's definitely not ending well for him. I foresee lots of leg kicks and maybe some Lekobusters and whatever shit crazy little savage Brazilians throw when they're bored by the lack of competition. Barao by literally throwing shit at Wineland KO 2nd round.

Black belt in being the worst fucking fighter ever, Brendan Schaub fights Mitrione on the main card of a PPV in 2013. ENOUGH. Why the fuck does the UFC insist on stacking Jon Jones cards with garbage fights ? Hopefully Mitrione knocks this poofter out in the first 30 seconds because I hate Schaubs face. Mitrione has an impossibly dumb face too so a double KO would be amazing. Fuck it, WAR double KO. Fuck both of these guys.

Francis Carmont fucking sucks. Yeah, you got something you wanna say about that ? Didn't think so BITCH. Pasta Philipoo is gonna KO this fuck so fast I won't have time to make derogatory comments about Brittney Palmers ridiculous CGI face.

Pat Healy has the biggest skull of all time and he might win by headbutt KO just because he can't control his skulls gravity. Kebab Yourmomsagoyimdov has a sick afro though. Shit just got real. But my soberness is getting in the way of me finishing this pick so I'm going with Healy just because STRIKEFORCE NEVER DIE.

Sober preliminary stream of consciousness time:

Myles Jury trains in Chula Vista and Mike Ricci looks like such a fucking pussy that I can't handle it. Jury by Chula Vista stabbing KO. Kid Yamamoto was originally supposed to fight Menjivar but well, he fucked that all up somehow so some small Brazilian is fighting Menjivar now. War Yamamoto anyways because Japan Pride all fucking day. That made no sense, sorry, I'm fucking sober. Chris Clements is gonna beat Stephen Thompson because I fucking said so. That's my analysis. Deal with it. Who the fuck is Mitch Gagnon ? He probably doesn't like Gorguts so fuck him. Dustin Kimura is Hawaiian. War Hawaii. John Madkessi should be fighting at 135 but he's a lazy son of a bitch. I don't care, I still love that little cross eyed fuck. War Cross Eyes. Jesse Ronson sounds like he'd be a really bland white person. Michelle Prazeres almost beat Paulo Thiago. War Michelle. Alex Caceres has pound for pound the most annoying face ever. Roland Delorme by grappling. NANDOR IS COMING.

Time for a beer.

PEACE.

-SwolePeer

My Picks For UFC 164: Blasian vs Puerto Rican

Man, it is impossibly hot right now. All the coconut water in the world won't be able to save my shirts from sweat stain death. S'all good though, it's helping me cut weight so I can fight at 205 by the end of the year. Anyways, time to get down to business. 

Onward To Golgotha

For a few weeks I was absolutely sick of Pettis running his mouth. I wanted to Showtime Kick his face off when he said TJ Grant didn't deserve the title shot, I wanted to shoot him in the face with a Golden Gun when he cut in front of line and got the Aldo opportunity, and oh my god his haircut annoys me, but I've forgiven him. I just don't understand why they didn't make this match up when the card was first announced. It made zero sense to have Pettis fight in Brazil only a few weeks before the Milwaukee card but the Universe righted everything. Ok I'm rambling on at this point and you've probably already clicked over to some scrambled porn, impatient perverts. 

Who is going to win ? Well, not Bendo. So burned out on his leg kicks and useless jabs and flopping hair. Can't stand knowing that every time he fights it's going to be 25 minutes of the same crap. I sure sound bitter today. Must be the lack of coconut water in my life. I remember watching the first fight and almost headbutting the tv when Pettis landed the Showtime Kick. I remember being on the verge of tears when Bendersonson had the RNC locked in. In other words it was an amazing fight. And holy dude I am pumped up for the rematch. WHY AM I RAMBLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW ?! Ugh sorry guys. I just want Pettis to do all the spinning flying shit he can possibly come up with. I want every combo from Killer Instinct, Mortal Kombat, and ALL the Street Fighter games. Pettis better rock a Vega mask and claws and climb up the cage and do a slashing back flip. Shoryuken ? Better fucking happen. Stone Cold Stunner ? OH. HELL. YEAH. Pettis by Showtime Kick 2: Electric Boogaloo in the 2nd round. RIP Bendo's reign of boredom RIP.

Pride Never Die. Bolt Thrower Never Die. That must mean the return of the Baby Faced Assassin, JUSHHHHHHHHHHHH BAHHHHHHNNNNEEEETTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So chuffed he's finally back in the UFC. Can't wait for him to wreck shit on Francisco Mir's dumbest face ever. Five bucks says Mir gets rocked just getting patted down by the ref. Dude has zero chin left. I once saw a welsh corgi puppy lick his face and Mir was out cold. It doesn't show up on his record because he missed weight by like 240 pounds and it was a last minute match because the welsh corgi just showed up out of nowhere but it totally happened. That's exactly what's going to happen tomorrow night. You weenies really think Mir is gonna use some judo salad tossing and end up mounted on Barnett ? So naive. What's going to happen is Barnett is going to walk him down with fat white kid fists and crush Mir's jabroni jawline and get a title shot against Mark Hunt because JDS will get injured and Hunt will step in on short notice and crush that little mexican. BAHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT by decision because let's get serious, this fight is going to be 15 minutes of just obesity and no cardio.

Hahaha Clay Guida. What a goober. So glad Sean Shelby got sick of his shit and matched him up with the beastiest dude at 145. If anyone thinks Guida has a shot I want to know what medication they're taking. Even all the schizophrenics in the world would never pick Guida against Mendes. Did you see the Countdown ? Did you see Mendes do those spinning push ups ? Dude. I wish I could do that. My brain doesn't even have the explosive creativity to do that in my dreams. Ridiculous. Mendes by first round KO/guillotine combo. 

Anytime I see Brenda Vera Wang's name I get pissed. Of all the people to represent San Diego it's him. I hate everyone that lives here, but he is an amalgamation of all those people rolled up in the fattest Philipino frame ever. He is seriously every bad SD stereotype. I almost hope he wins tomorrow night just so he has the chance of getting knocked out again. Did you see how ridiculous he looked at the weigh ins ? I'm a total fatso, but wow he made me look like a bantamweight. If Ben Rothwell wasn't such an incosistent fat dude I'd be picking him but he looked expectionally terrible against Gonzaga. Can't believe this fight is on the main card of a PPV in 2013. It better be awesomely bad and cringeworthy. Who wins though ? Nobody. Not the Phillipines, not America, not anybody.

Kochhead vs Skinhead. Wasn't this supposed to happen a couple years ago ? Kinda hard to get pumped up for this fight when both dudes got crushed in their last ones. Lamas murderdeathkilling Kochhead with elbows was shocking. Didn't Poirier lose to Swanson last time ? Too lazy to check Wikipedia but I 'm pretty sure that's what happened. You know what ? Whatever. I just want violence. Koch brings the best violence with those headkicks that actually land. Poirier seems overrated and I don't think he'll be able to get Kochhead down long enough to work any subs. Koch by ultraviolent liverkick of death fatality. 

Jamie Varner vs Brazilian Gary Sinise is such an awesome fight. How much weight did Tibau cut ? Like 80 pounds or something ? Insanity. Don't know how that guy consistently makes weight without dying every time. Everyone seems to be picking against Varner but I'm not. No way. He's too fast and his punches are too powerful and I fully expect him to win by TKO. Tebow's muscles are so huge he's incapable of throwing a punch without seperating every shoulder that ever existed. Attach Gary Sinise's head to a rhino and you have Gleison Tibau. Yes, his physique blows me away. Big deal, wanna fight about it ? That being said, Varner by KO 1st round.

Time for preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Elliot has a pretty sweet beard and Louis Ginzo looks like Diego Sanchez with green hair. I hate Diego Sanchez. I hate green hair. You think I'm picking against the guy with a sweet beard ? Get real. Beard Guy by Beard. Pascal Krauss is fighting a sexy Korean not named Dong Dong Stun Gun Kim The Donger, war sexy Korean. Chico Camus is fighting another sexy Korean, damn sexy koreans. They're so sexy and korean. War Sex with a Korean. Soa Palelei is a big Samoan or something, he automatically wins by being islander. Fuck anyone with the last name Couture. War other guy. Jared Hamman via being gumpy. 

Ok that's all folks. Time to take 3 showers in a row.

Peace.

My Picks For UFC: "So Handsome" Sonnen vs "Stunning" Shogun

My goodness, tomorrow night is going to have the most good looking main event of all time. My body is not ready. Or maybe it is ? Yeah it definitely is. I won't waste any more time with this intro cause holy shit it's going to take forever to do all these picks. Let's get at it.

Onward To Golgotha

This fight is an absolute bitch to guess who's going to win. If Shogun could inject TRT in his knees then it'd be a whole lot easier to pick him by Psycho Crusher in the 1st round but he looked like dog shit in the Brenda Vera Wang fight and that inspires zero confidence he won't die from an asthma attack somewhere in the 25 minutes of Sonnen's violent hugging attack. On the other hand, Sonnen hasn't won at 205 in an eternity and he always chokes in these situations, kinda like how I choke at taco shops ordering wimpy bean and cheese burritos instead of 50 pounds of carne asada fries. What I'm trying to say is, I hope no one gets hurt because Sonnen has a Top 3 smile of all time and Shogun is right up there too. In conclusion, Sonnen by impossibly boring 25 minutes of limp wristed ground and pound resulting in a TKO (!) win, somewhere in the 4th round. This won't be pretty folks, not as pretty as Sonnen.

Did you guys see Travis Browne's beard ? Did you see the interview with Karyn Bryant where he said he has nightmares about losing his beard ? Homie is all ABOUT that beard life. I'm pretty proud of him. Plus we have that Hapa bond. And then Overeem. Goddamnit. I'm still laughing when Antonio "Giant Sloth" Silva knocked him out so badly that Fujita's skull started ejaculating dehydrated coconut chunks automatically. Has Reem even been cleared to fight again ? He probably thinks he has a fight with a horse meat buffet, not against a giant Hawaiian with a sweet beard. Yeah, I sound a bit salty but Overeem had all this hype and then acted like a nerd at a machismo convention and got schooled. So with that in mind, WAR HAWAIIAN BEARD ALL DAY. ALL THE MAHALOS. TRAVIS BROWNE BY SUPERFLY SPLASH.

Speaking of handsome, how bout Urijah Faber ? Yeah that buttchin is a bit intense but I wish I had his hair. Or any hair at this point. There's really no point in discussing Yuri Alcantara because this isn't a title shot so Faber wins by default. Poor kid never had a chance. Buttchinius Maximus is going to grapple-fuck the hell out of Alcantara and wrangle a tasty RNC in the 2nd round. 

Can't believe I'm a Matt Brown fan in 2013. This year continues to blow my mind. What's even crazier is seeing him on a six (6) fight winning streak after he collapses Mike Pyle with midwest elbows of death. Fuck outta here if you're of the mindset that Pyle is going to submit Matt Brown. Nope. Not in 2013. If this was 2011 you can bet your ass this pick would say "Mullet Pyle by guillotine in the first second because Matt Brown has zero sub defense ever" but things change. People change. Matt Brown changed. I changed. The Immortal by mullet severing elbows 1st round, FOTN.

The last memory I have of Doomsday Howard is his forehead exploding like a puff pastry after Jake Ellenberger committed atrocities to it. I'm thinking tomorrow night might be the same unless Uriah Hall just got his black belt in Asperger's and repeats the same bullshit he pulled when he fought that small mexican guy, whatever his name was. Of course Doomsday is like twenty inches shorter than Hall and probably won't reach his chin, but you never know. I'm hoping for ultra violence, that's all. Doomsday by upset KO because I fucking love upsets, as much as carne asada fries.

Opening the main card is Creepy Joe vs a Blackzillian. Welp, that's all there is to it. J-Lau by sub 1st round, probably an armbar. Oh you really think Michael Johnson dramatically upped his cardio and sub defense in one training camp ? Get real. He was probably busy drawing portraits of Overeem and Spong's biceps. That's what I'd be doing anyways.

It's time to wrap this up, except it might take longer then expected because the prelims are actually really damn good. Prelim Stream of consciousness time: 

Holy hell Mayday vs Pickett is going to be savagery. Pickett has a chin but Mayday could crack it open with an uppercut. The Wineland fight makes me hesitant to pick Pickett here, unless he can take it to the ground. Ugh. Gotta go with Mayday though, probably by decision. Already sick of this ignorant Irish pride that Dana's been shoving up our asses. Yeah, McGregor looked awesome in his debut and I'll be cheering for him but goddamn, calm down. He's only had ONE fight in the UFC. Stop hyping him up like he's going to resurrect Phil Lynott and schedule a Thin Lizzy reunion tour that starts and ends in San Diego with support from Uli Jon Roth era Scorpions. Still picking Hooligan Fuckhead by 2nd round TKO but just relax until he gets more wins. This Trappistes Rochefort 10 is starting to hit me pretty good, as hard as Mike Brown is going to overhand right Steven Siler's stupid face. Really hope MTB looks like his younger self tomorrow night and puts on a clinic but he's been slowing down in his last few fights. Still picking him by decision though. Diego Brandao by murder 1st round. Oh man I hate everyone in this next fight. Can't stand Armenians in general, and Nicole Millers face pisses me off forever. Soooo...wow this beer is so good. OSP has the worst initials ever and he's an even worse fighter. Hope that white guy he's fighting smashes him up. James "Michael" Vick by dogfighting doctor stoppage because I'm exhausted from writing.

Hope to see you all in the Discussion Zone tomorrow night ! Peace.