My Picks For UFC Fight Night: The Hunt For Bigfoot

It's Thursday night and I'm getting fully turnt up on beers, chips and guacamole, and plenty of riffs. In less then 24 hours I get to watch my favorite fighter of all time, and then chase it with more beers with rad bros. This weekend will be getting off to a proper start. Hope all you savages enjoi it too.

Onward To Golgotha

The last time I wrote about Mark Hunt I was fully ready to dye my beard blonde and go Super Samoan mode. I was on top of the world and then around 8pm all that fell apart as The Oceania Super Fighter crumbled from the most unpredictable Lekobuster that ever happened. I didn't even have a reaction. I just sat there. Numb. "...what ? Did that really happen ? Really ? Huh..." and then I went on the rest of my night, shambling around depressed. Not even the Island girl I met up with later that night helped. That moment just killed my enthusiasm. But it's starting to come back knowing that tomorrow night he'll be crushing Bigfoot with another left hook/right uppercut walk-off KO and I'll be flipping couches and getting Samoan tattoos on my forehead. Motherfuckers. 

Oh Shogun. What happened brudda ? Was it too many H-Bombs to your handsome face ? Chael Sonnen of all people subbing you in like 3 seconds ? Not dropping to 185 ? When did it go wrong man ? You can tell us. We won't judge you. But now you're fighting James The Tuna. Who the FUCK is that guy ? Has he ever been on the main card of a PPV ? I'm too lazy to check his Wiki but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Why are you fighting low level guys in Australia now ? What the hell man. You're supposed to be fighting Machida for a 4th time at 185 in Brazil or something. Not this, man. Not this. I pray your chin still holds up and your cardio doesn't fail you after flopping on one takedown attempt. Please kill this kid. Please kill this kid by boring decision if you have to. What the fuck. I can't put up with this heartbreak anymore. Shogun by fucking muay thai clinch molestation knees to your fucking face death KO fucking murdering people n shit time to die RIP RIP RIP.

The Hippo by KO. Fuck the dogdick Ryan Bader piece of shit jabroni. He worse than the Miley Cyrus raisindick.

Pat Barry got KO'd by Shawn Jordan. Who is Shawn Jordan you ask ? Some fat white guy with a bad tattoo. Now he's fighting a fat Islander with rad tattoos. Pat Barry is getting like quadruple KO'd this time n shit. Poor kid. Soa Paleleleleleleieielielielieeee by Atomic Buttdrop.

Dylan Andrews appears to be Samoan or Tongan or Maori or something and Clint Hester is currently crying because Nelson Mandela died so Dylan by ROCK BOTTOM ! ROCK BOTTOM !

Hahaha Nam Phan thinks he's going to get away with his bullshit at 135 ? Think again kiddo. Teriyaki Mizugaki is a son of a bitch and he doesn't care what you're good at, he's beating you wherever he wants. You're good at liking Jamie Chung ? He'll propose to her on Instagram and get a million engagement rings wrapped in salmon nigiri. You're good at losing to Leonard Garcia ? Bro, he'll fuckin' lose 1,000,000 times just to beat him 1,000,001 times out of spite. Fuck your life Nam Phan. Get a new fucking haircut bro. Teriyaki Mizugaki by some move from Street Fighter that I'm too lazy to look up.

Preliminary stream of consciousness: 

Did you guys see Bitch Correia try to intimidate Julie Kedzie at the weigh-ins ? My god the douchechills. Julie Kedzie still looks like The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels so she'll be winning by Sweet Chin Music TKO 1st round fuckos. Caio Mglahash looks like the shittiest goblin ever and Nick Ring just plain sucks. No one wins. Justin Scoggins looks like he's a proud Irishman that only drinks Bushmills like a poser. The guy he's fighting looks equally as douchey though so no one wins again. Seriously, the rest of the fights I have no clue who these guys are so I'm going to get back to drinking. Cheers you fucks.

My Picks For UFC 167: Clean Shaven Canadian Wuss Face vs Beard Bro OR Will Campuzano's Boner

Flexing from all the pizza and beer flowing through my veins right now. Is there a better combination to raise your machismo levels with ? Doubt it. Let's discuss tomorrows fights before I pass out from cheese coma.

Onward To Golgotha

I'm praying to the Elder Gods that GSP gets knocked out tomorrow night. I don't know what the fuck you guys are watching but he's bored me to death since the Thiago Alves fight. That's 4 years (four) of shrugging when a fight of his is announced. 6 fights, 25 minutes each, that's like, 150 minutes I coulda spent NOT watching GSP jab jab jab takedown jab jab jab his opponents. I coulda chugged approximately 150 gallons of beer. I coulda ate 150 tons of pizza. But no. I sat on my ass watching GSP be a fucking prude with his fighting style. Fuck that shit bro. Jimmy Hendrix is gonna knock this Canadian wuss boy all the way to his grave in shitty Winnipeg. GSP is the Shocktop/Blue Moon of MMA. Fucking die already. Jimmy Hendrix washes his beard in barrel aged imperial stouts and combs it with bacon wrapped turkey legs. Fuck, I'm starving. What I'm trying to say is, I am sick of GSP crapping up the division and Johny Hendricks by bearded murder.

If Rashad Evans loses it'll be the best set up for the main event. Rashad's looked like dogdick forever (natures GSP) and Chael Sonnen just made Shogun tap. Imagine if Sonnen taps Rashad for the first time in his career ? Bro, I would FREAK OUT. Well not really, but I would clap and post a ton of exclamation points on Facebook. BUHLEE DAT. But on the real, Chael is beating Rashad with his pace alone. He might not do any damage but he'll keep pressure on Rashad the whole time. Who knows, he might even get a late TKO. Probably not. But I'll be excited. Chael by TKO fuck it YOLO.

Oh. Rory Macdonald. He's supposed to excite me ? Fuck off. He's supposed to be the future of MMA ? Fucking die. He's the future of being a total fucking douchebag and never winning a championship ever. Only thing he's good at is looking like a pile of shit in those suits he wears. Sweet personality bro. Robbie Lawler is gonna KO your stupid fucking haircut off forever and then he'll knock out GSP too because why the fuck not. I hate Rory Macdonald.

Oh. Josh Koscheck. You see what I wrote for Rory Macdonald ? Apply it to him too. Fucking hate that piece of shit. Tyrone Woodley is just as bad but whatever. I'm not cheering for anyone. Maybe Vanessa Hanson will hit me up on Instagram tho.

Tim Elliott has the sweetest beard ever but he's fighting a Dagestanian. Dagestan doesn't fuck around bro. Did you see that video of Kebab Nurmy wrestling a BEAR ? Yeah. I don't think Tim Elliott has. Dagestan by bear wrestling.

Preliminary stream of consciousness:

Think Donald Cerrone will actually fight against Dunham ? Doubt it. When the fight doesn't go his way he gets this look in his eyes, similar to BJ Penn, and you know he's going to lose the fight. Poor guy. Dunham but not having scared weenie eyes. Thales Leites looked pretty good against Tom Watson and I think he'll beat Ed Herman since that dude loves to fight dumb sometimes. Can't believe I'm picking Tall Ladies. Ugh. Rick "Bedtime" Story is abysmal to watch and Ebersole doesn't do enough to get attention from the judges. Bedtime Story might win this one. Yuck. GOYITO POWER CABRONES. He's fighting a guy with the worst facial hair ever so you already know who's winning this one. VIVA MEXICO JABRONIS. Jason High is the raddest dude on Twitter so he wins. Sergio Pettis going up against WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Did you see the weigh ins ? WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION was the best part of it. Worst part ? Sergio Pettis' haircut. Yes, I'm fucking cheering for a literal penis to win this fight. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION. Gian Villante is still in the UFC ? Wow. Who's Cody Donovan ? Doesn't matter. WAR WILL CAMPUZANO'S RAGING ERECTION AGAIN.

Time to wash the grease off my face and eat more pizza.

PEACE.

My Picks For UFC: Machida vs Munoz aka Sushi vs Lumpia

Well this is a first. Writing these picks in the waiting room at the car dealership. On my phone of course. No beer, no tunes, no nothin'. Shit. Let's see what happens. 

Onward To Golgotha

Handsome Machida finally made it down to middleweight. Did y'all see how good he looked at the weigh ins ? Wowowow. Munoz looked bricked up as usual though. Won't make a difference because Machida is going to blast that lumpia rollers dumb Pinoy face off. Ok that sounded a bit racist, well maybe. You ain't stopping me from saying what I want. Until you've almost died in a Seafood City parking lot you have no right to criticize my disdain for Pinoy drivers. If Mark Munoz drives as badly as he attempts takedowns then you're all in danger of being in a head on collision while shopping for sisig and adobo. Wow I really went off track there. Hold up, I can tie this all together: Japanense fighters are better than Pinoy fighters. Shots fired. Machida is going to stuff all of Munoz's sloppy takedowns and overhand rights, counter with step-in knees to the body and finish with a Superjap punch to the brain. Japan by KO 1st round bakas. 

I've been sitting here 10 minutes and I already need a beer. 

So I was going to write some pretty awesome stuff about the Melvin Guillard/Ross Pearson fight but then I read about Tito injuring his neck for the millionth time and now the Bellator PPV is a total clusterfuck and that's all I care about now. Holy shit. The main event for your first PPV gets injured a week before ? Oh man. It was already a dumb fight to begin with and an even dumber idea to go to PPV but this is just amazing. And now it gets put on free tv. Holy hell. The Universe hates Bellator and Tito. Anyways, Melvin by KO because Nicole Miller of all people blasted Ross Pearson and Melvin is a lot more blacker than Nicole Miller.

Oh no. Oh no. Ryan Jimmo is on the main card against an exciting striker. No. Why would you do that Joe Silva ? Do you hate fun ? Or do you really think Manuwa can KO Jimmo before he turns it into the most boring fight ever ? Ugh. Praying that Manuwa can molest Jimmo as badly as he molested Kyle Kingsbury. I know this is a place for outrageous picks but Jimmo just takes the fun out of anything. Jimmo by super boring decision. Ugh that felt terrible to type. Thanks Canada.

Norman Parke is a proud Chamorro (aka he's Guamanian) so I have to cheer for him because I was in love with a Guamanian girl before and I always keep it fucking real. He's fighting a guy with an absolutely terrible haircut too. So theres that. Chamorro by kelaguen flavored fisting.

Preliminary stream of consciousness:

Alessio Sakara is still in the UFC. Wow. The guy he's fighting looks pretty crappy though. No on wins. Phil "Paul" Harris is fighting a guy that missed weight 3 times (three !!!) already, and he's a goddamn flyweight. Get the fuck out. Never cheer for a cheater. War Philhares. Al Iaquinta beat Ryan Couture so I'll cheer for him forever. Andrew Craig looks like Urijah Faber. That's enough. Rosi Sexton probably makes some badass green curry. I love green curry. Fuck Nicole Miller in the face until the end of time. Andy Ogle sucks but not as badly as Nicole Miller. Jim Hettes is a good guy. I'd hang out with him for sure. The guy he's fighting looks like a royal dick though. War good guy. Michael Kuipers last name pisses me off. Bradley Scott must be boring as fuck to talk to. Everyone loses.

I need a beer.

My Picks For UFC 166: Brown Pride vs Double Santos DA TRILOGY

Oh hey what's up dudes. How you doin ? Man, I'm just watching Bellator, enjoying this beer, and figuring out what to get for dinner. Maybe sushi, or curry, or a burrito, or a hamburger, or pizza, or more beer, who knows. Ya know ? You never know what I'm going to eat. Anyways, I need to hurry up and bang these picks out.

Onward To Golgotha

This is hard to say but I'm missing the entire card tomorrow night. GASP. Yep, but theres an epic beer event and I'm not missing it for the world. Well if Mark Hunt was fighting for the belt I'd skip it but that's not happening so yeah. Of course I'll be checking Twitter for updates so I won't be totally left out.

Hahahah you guys really think I'm picking Dos Santos this time ? Fuck no. Fuck him. Anyone that wheel kick KO's Mark Hunt is a giant piece of shit and deserves to lose every fight forever. "But Anthony, isn't that being a tad irrational ?" fucking maybe. Think I give a shit though ? Nope. Just because of that I'm picking Cain out of spite, even though I secretly want Two Santos to win...whatever. My hypocrisy knows no bounds. War Doc Holliday. Ok enough farting around. Hows it going down ? Well Cain is going to be fueled by some barrel aged bean and cheese burritos, he's going to headkick Arianny in the head with a kick to the head, then sing the Mexico national anthem with Vicente Fernandez (the beaner with the grey hair and big sombrero, AKA all mexicans), and steamroll Dos Santos with that signature mexican work ethic. TKO 2nd round ? 3rd round ? 4th round ? Maybe a one punch KO. Who knows. I won't, cause I'm gonna be drinking tasty beers and making obnoxious jokes. BOOM. Cain by Bean Power.

Roy Nelson is fat and keeps talking about losing weight but he never does, just like me. Cormier actually lost some weight and is looking a lot better, he might actually finish Roy Nelson. Do I care ? Not really. Say he wins and then fights Jones, are you REALLY going to pick him to beat Jones ? Get outta here guy. Black Fedor should stick to KO'ing fat fucks at heavyweight but that's his decision and I'm too busy dreaming of surf n turf burritos to give a crap. Fedor Emelianegro by TKO 1st round.

Gilbert Melendez is going to fucking destroy Diego Sanchez. Maybe in the 1st minute, maybe in 15 minutes. I don't know but it will be fucking violent and I'm actually bummed I'll be missing this fight. Dudes, have you SEEN how beautiful Gilbert Melendez's family is ? I am so envious of all the incredible genetics in that family. I want that. Gilbert by death.

Gabriel Gonzaga's mustache is absolutely incredible and will bring him to victory when he flying gogoplatas Shawn "Bland White Guy" Jordan. Yeah, I have no interest in this fight clearly.

John Dodson is absolutely insufferable but he sure is fun as hell to watch when he's on his game. Darrel Montague fought in TPF (Taco Palace Fights) and I'll always hold a place in my heart for their terrible choppy streams on Sherdog but he's getting smoked in this match. Poor kid. Dodson by whatever I'm not watching this fight.

Ohh yesss preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Borscht is going to Redneck Judo the shit off of CB Doucheways douchebag face so hard the entire arena will get douchechills. Oh yes. Hector Lombard looked like dogshit at 170 and will still somehow win a boring fight against Nate "Original Doucheface" Marquardt. Whatever. Jessica Eye has a name that attracts me but I haven't looked at the weigh-in pics to confirm being attracted to her. Sarah Kaufman bores me to death. War potentially attractive Jessica Eye. George Badapopolous has looked terrible for a few years now and I can't believe he's signed to the UFC. Too bad this'll be his last fight because KJ Noons is going to knock his old New Zealand face off his old New Zealand head. Adlan Amagov looks like the crazy Euro dude you want in your posse to fuck shit up when shit goes down at the pub. TJ Whataburger does not. War Crazy Euro Posse Dude. Tony Ferguson is going to fuck up the guy he's fighting, whatever his name is. Andre Phyllo Dough missed weight. Loser. Jeremy Larsen didn't, whoever the fuck he is. Never heard of Kyoji Horiguchi but he's Japanese so he's going to win because duh.

That's enough. Time for dinner with good people. Peace bitches.

My Picks For UFC 165: Tall Black Guy vs Tall White Guy

Well this is a first, I'm blogging stone cold sober. And it sucks. At least I'll be imbibing in a few hours while celebrating a couple birthdays. Ok enough chit chat, time to get down to business.

Onward To Golgotha

"LOOK HOW TALL JON JONES IS ! WOW HE HAS LONG ARMS AND (AND !) LONG LEGS ! HOLY SHIT. BUT LOOK AT GUSTAFFSON ! HE ALSO HAS LONG ARMS AND LONG LEGS ! AND HE'S WHITE ! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK !!" That's how you promote a title fight you stupid bimbos ? By talking about the length of their penises and not their actual fighting skills ? Fuck off UFC. I mean I guess they might as well compare penis length cause Gustaffson has no chance at beating Jones anyways but still, at least be somewhat original in hyping up a fight with the most dominant 205'er that ever existed. The only way Gustaffson wins is if he walks out to Deathevocation by Dismember but he doesn't look like someone that listens to them so uhhh, yeah, HE GONNA DIE. But how's he going to die ? Anaconda strangulation (I'm a black belt in puns) ? Jones has the arm AND penis length to do it. I don't think we'll ever see a penis choke in the UFC though, so that's out of the question. Hellbows From Hell ? Probably. I'm really tired of talking about penises tonight, so like, Boner Jones by 1st round spinning back elbow to the liver. Oh fuck. Can you imagine taking a spinning elbow to your liver ? Duuuuude. Fuck that. You'd be pissing blood to infinity and beyond. Yeesh.

Oh there's another title fight ? Fuckin' a. Oh, it's Eddie Wineland against Barao ? Poor guy. Wineland is getting starched quickly or dismantled at a leisurely pace. Wineland has some strong straight punches but jesus, dude leaves his chin up so badly I get concussions just watching him spar. Yeah it's definitely not ending well for him. I foresee lots of leg kicks and maybe some Lekobusters and whatever shit crazy little savage Brazilians throw when they're bored by the lack of competition. Barao by literally throwing shit at Wineland KO 2nd round.

Black belt in being the worst fucking fighter ever, Brendan Schaub fights Mitrione on the main card of a PPV in 2013. ENOUGH. Why the fuck does the UFC insist on stacking Jon Jones cards with garbage fights ? Hopefully Mitrione knocks this poofter out in the first 30 seconds because I hate Schaubs face. Mitrione has an impossibly dumb face too so a double KO would be amazing. Fuck it, WAR double KO. Fuck both of these guys.

Francis Carmont fucking sucks. Yeah, you got something you wanna say about that ? Didn't think so BITCH. Pasta Philipoo is gonna KO this fuck so fast I won't have time to make derogatory comments about Brittney Palmers ridiculous CGI face.

Pat Healy has the biggest skull of all time and he might win by headbutt KO just because he can't control his skulls gravity. Kebab Yourmomsagoyimdov has a sick afro though. Shit just got real. But my soberness is getting in the way of me finishing this pick so I'm going with Healy just because STRIKEFORCE NEVER DIE.

Sober preliminary stream of consciousness time:

Myles Jury trains in Chula Vista and Mike Ricci looks like such a fucking pussy that I can't handle it. Jury by Chula Vista stabbing KO. Kid Yamamoto was originally supposed to fight Menjivar but well, he fucked that all up somehow so some small Brazilian is fighting Menjivar now. War Yamamoto anyways because Japan Pride all fucking day. That made no sense, sorry, I'm fucking sober. Chris Clements is gonna beat Stephen Thompson because I fucking said so. That's my analysis. Deal with it. Who the fuck is Mitch Gagnon ? He probably doesn't like Gorguts so fuck him. Dustin Kimura is Hawaiian. War Hawaii. John Madkessi should be fighting at 135 but he's a lazy son of a bitch. I don't care, I still love that little cross eyed fuck. War Cross Eyes. Jesse Ronson sounds like he'd be a really bland white person. Michelle Prazeres almost beat Paulo Thiago. War Michelle. Alex Caceres has pound for pound the most annoying face ever. Roland Delorme by grappling. NANDOR IS COMING.

Time for a beer.

PEACE.

-SwolePeer

My Picks For UFC 164: Blasian vs Puerto Rican

Man, it is impossibly hot right now. All the coconut water in the world won't be able to save my shirts from sweat stain death. S'all good though, it's helping me cut weight so I can fight at 205 by the end of the year. Anyways, time to get down to business. 

Onward To Golgotha

For a few weeks I was absolutely sick of Pettis running his mouth. I wanted to Showtime Kick his face off when he said TJ Grant didn't deserve the title shot, I wanted to shoot him in the face with a Golden Gun when he cut in front of line and got the Aldo opportunity, and oh my god his haircut annoys me, but I've forgiven him. I just don't understand why they didn't make this match up when the card was first announced. It made zero sense to have Pettis fight in Brazil only a few weeks before the Milwaukee card but the Universe righted everything. Ok I'm rambling on at this point and you've probably already clicked over to some scrambled porn, impatient perverts. 

Who is going to win ? Well, not Bendo. So burned out on his leg kicks and useless jabs and flopping hair. Can't stand knowing that every time he fights it's going to be 25 minutes of the same crap. I sure sound bitter today. Must be the lack of coconut water in my life. I remember watching the first fight and almost headbutting the tv when Pettis landed the Showtime Kick. I remember being on the verge of tears when Bendersonson had the RNC locked in. In other words it was an amazing fight. And holy dude I am pumped up for the rematch. WHY AM I RAMBLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW ?! Ugh sorry guys. I just want Pettis to do all the spinning flying shit he can possibly come up with. I want every combo from Killer Instinct, Mortal Kombat, and ALL the Street Fighter games. Pettis better rock a Vega mask and claws and climb up the cage and do a slashing back flip. Shoryuken ? Better fucking happen. Stone Cold Stunner ? OH. HELL. YEAH. Pettis by Showtime Kick 2: Electric Boogaloo in the 2nd round. RIP Bendo's reign of boredom RIP.

Pride Never Die. Bolt Thrower Never Die. That must mean the return of the Baby Faced Assassin, JUSHHHHHHHHHHHH BAHHHHHHNNNNEEEETTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So chuffed he's finally back in the UFC. Can't wait for him to wreck shit on Francisco Mir's dumbest face ever. Five bucks says Mir gets rocked just getting patted down by the ref. Dude has zero chin left. I once saw a welsh corgi puppy lick his face and Mir was out cold. It doesn't show up on his record because he missed weight by like 240 pounds and it was a last minute match because the welsh corgi just showed up out of nowhere but it totally happened. That's exactly what's going to happen tomorrow night. You weenies really think Mir is gonna use some judo salad tossing and end up mounted on Barnett ? So naive. What's going to happen is Barnett is going to walk him down with fat white kid fists and crush Mir's jabroni jawline and get a title shot against Mark Hunt because JDS will get injured and Hunt will step in on short notice and crush that little mexican. BAHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT by decision because let's get serious, this fight is going to be 15 minutes of just obesity and no cardio.

Hahaha Clay Guida. What a goober. So glad Sean Shelby got sick of his shit and matched him up with the beastiest dude at 145. If anyone thinks Guida has a shot I want to know what medication they're taking. Even all the schizophrenics in the world would never pick Guida against Mendes. Did you see the Countdown ? Did you see Mendes do those spinning push ups ? Dude. I wish I could do that. My brain doesn't even have the explosive creativity to do that in my dreams. Ridiculous. Mendes by first round KO/guillotine combo. 

Anytime I see Brenda Vera Wang's name I get pissed. Of all the people to represent San Diego it's him. I hate everyone that lives here, but he is an amalgamation of all those people rolled up in the fattest Philipino frame ever. He is seriously every bad SD stereotype. I almost hope he wins tomorrow night just so he has the chance of getting knocked out again. Did you see how ridiculous he looked at the weigh ins ? I'm a total fatso, but wow he made me look like a bantamweight. If Ben Rothwell wasn't such an incosistent fat dude I'd be picking him but he looked expectionally terrible against Gonzaga. Can't believe this fight is on the main card of a PPV in 2013. It better be awesomely bad and cringeworthy. Who wins though ? Nobody. Not the Phillipines, not America, not anybody.

Kochhead vs Skinhead. Wasn't this supposed to happen a couple years ago ? Kinda hard to get pumped up for this fight when both dudes got crushed in their last ones. Lamas murderdeathkilling Kochhead with elbows was shocking. Didn't Poirier lose to Swanson last time ? Too lazy to check Wikipedia but I 'm pretty sure that's what happened. You know what ? Whatever. I just want violence. Koch brings the best violence with those headkicks that actually land. Poirier seems overrated and I don't think he'll be able to get Kochhead down long enough to work any subs. Koch by ultraviolent liverkick of death fatality. 

Jamie Varner vs Brazilian Gary Sinise is such an awesome fight. How much weight did Tibau cut ? Like 80 pounds or something ? Insanity. Don't know how that guy consistently makes weight without dying every time. Everyone seems to be picking against Varner but I'm not. No way. He's too fast and his punches are too powerful and I fully expect him to win by TKO. Tebow's muscles are so huge he's incapable of throwing a punch without seperating every shoulder that ever existed. Attach Gary Sinise's head to a rhino and you have Gleison Tibau. Yes, his physique blows me away. Big deal, wanna fight about it ? That being said, Varner by KO 1st round.

Time for preliminary stream of consciousness:

Tim Elliot has a pretty sweet beard and Louis Ginzo looks like Diego Sanchez with green hair. I hate Diego Sanchez. I hate green hair. You think I'm picking against the guy with a sweet beard ? Get real. Beard Guy by Beard. Pascal Krauss is fighting a sexy Korean not named Dong Dong Stun Gun Kim The Donger, war sexy Korean. Chico Camus is fighting another sexy Korean, damn sexy koreans. They're so sexy and korean. War Sex with a Korean. Soa Palelei is a big Samoan or something, he automatically wins by being islander. Fuck anyone with the last name Couture. War other guy. Jared Hamman via being gumpy. 

Ok that's all folks. Time to take 3 showers in a row.

Peace.

My Picks For UFC: "So Handsome" Sonnen vs "Stunning" Shogun

My goodness, tomorrow night is going to have the most good looking main event of all time. My body is not ready. Or maybe it is ? Yeah it definitely is. I won't waste any more time with this intro cause holy shit it's going to take forever to do all these picks. Let's get at it.

Onward To Golgotha

This fight is an absolute bitch to guess who's going to win. If Shogun could inject TRT in his knees then it'd be a whole lot easier to pick him by Psycho Crusher in the 1st round but he looked like dog shit in the Brenda Vera Wang fight and that inspires zero confidence he won't die from an asthma attack somewhere in the 25 minutes of Sonnen's violent hugging attack. On the other hand, Sonnen hasn't won at 205 in an eternity and he always chokes in these situations, kinda like how I choke at taco shops ordering wimpy bean and cheese burritos instead of 50 pounds of carne asada fries. What I'm trying to say is, I hope no one gets hurt because Sonnen has a Top 3 smile of all time and Shogun is right up there too. In conclusion, Sonnen by impossibly boring 25 minutes of limp wristed ground and pound resulting in a TKO (!) win, somewhere in the 4th round. This won't be pretty folks, not as pretty as Sonnen.

Did you guys see Travis Browne's beard ? Did you see the interview with Karyn Bryant where he said he has nightmares about losing his beard ? Homie is all ABOUT that beard life. I'm pretty proud of him. Plus we have that Hapa bond. And then Overeem. Goddamnit. I'm still laughing when Antonio "Giant Sloth" Silva knocked him out so badly that Fujita's skull started ejaculating dehydrated coconut chunks automatically. Has Reem even been cleared to fight again ? He probably thinks he has a fight with a horse meat buffet, not against a giant Hawaiian with a sweet beard. Yeah, I sound a bit salty but Overeem had all this hype and then acted like a nerd at a machismo convention and got schooled. So with that in mind, WAR HAWAIIAN BEARD ALL DAY. ALL THE MAHALOS. TRAVIS BROWNE BY SUPERFLY SPLASH.

Speaking of handsome, how bout Urijah Faber ? Yeah that buttchin is a bit intense but I wish I had his hair. Or any hair at this point. There's really no point in discussing Yuri Alcantara because this isn't a title shot so Faber wins by default. Poor kid never had a chance. Buttchinius Maximus is going to grapple-fuck the hell out of Alcantara and wrangle a tasty RNC in the 2nd round. 

Can't believe I'm a Matt Brown fan in 2013. This year continues to blow my mind. What's even crazier is seeing him on a six (6) fight winning streak after he collapses Mike Pyle with midwest elbows of death. Fuck outta here if you're of the mindset that Pyle is going to submit Matt Brown. Nope. Not in 2013. If this was 2011 you can bet your ass this pick would say "Mullet Pyle by guillotine in the first second because Matt Brown has zero sub defense ever" but things change. People change. Matt Brown changed. I changed. The Immortal by mullet severing elbows 1st round, FOTN.

The last memory I have of Doomsday Howard is his forehead exploding like a puff pastry after Jake Ellenberger committed atrocities to it. I'm thinking tomorrow night might be the same unless Uriah Hall just got his black belt in Asperger's and repeats the same bullshit he pulled when he fought that small mexican guy, whatever his name was. Of course Doomsday is like twenty inches shorter than Hall and probably won't reach his chin, but you never know. I'm hoping for ultra violence, that's all. Doomsday by upset KO because I fucking love upsets, as much as carne asada fries.

Opening the main card is Creepy Joe vs a Blackzillian. Welp, that's all there is to it. J-Lau by sub 1st round, probably an armbar. Oh you really think Michael Johnson dramatically upped his cardio and sub defense in one training camp ? Get real. He was probably busy drawing portraits of Overeem and Spong's biceps. That's what I'd be doing anyways.

It's time to wrap this up, except it might take longer then expected because the prelims are actually really damn good. Prelim Stream of consciousness time: 

Holy hell Mayday vs Pickett is going to be savagery. Pickett has a chin but Mayday could crack it open with an uppercut. The Wineland fight makes me hesitant to pick Pickett here, unless he can take it to the ground. Ugh. Gotta go with Mayday though, probably by decision. Already sick of this ignorant Irish pride that Dana's been shoving up our asses. Yeah, McGregor looked awesome in his debut and I'll be cheering for him but goddamn, calm down. He's only had ONE fight in the UFC. Stop hyping him up like he's going to resurrect Phil Lynott and schedule a Thin Lizzy reunion tour that starts and ends in San Diego with support from Uli Jon Roth era Scorpions. Still picking Hooligan Fuckhead by 2nd round TKO but just relax until he gets more wins. This Trappistes Rochefort 10 is starting to hit me pretty good, as hard as Mike Brown is going to overhand right Steven Siler's stupid face. Really hope MTB looks like his younger self tomorrow night and puts on a clinic but he's been slowing down in his last few fights. Still picking him by decision though. Diego Brandao by murder 1st round. Oh man I hate everyone in this next fight. Can't stand Armenians in general, and Nicole Millers face pisses me off forever. Soooo...wow this beer is so good. OSP has the worst initials ever and he's an even worse fighter. Hope that white guy he's fighting smashes him up. James "Michael" Vick by dogfighting doctor stoppage because I'm exhausted from writing.

Hope to see you all in the Discussion Zone tomorrow night ! Peace.

My Picks For UFC 163: Rei Do Gado vs 고기구이

The toughest battle of all time. Brazilian BBQ vs Korean BBQ. Who wins tomorrow night ? Not my colon, that's for sure. Holy shit I'm starving right now too. Damn. It's gonna be a bitch to get through these picks. Wish me luck.

Onward To Golgotha

HHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it's finally here !! HOLY DUDE. We all get to witness the international ultraviolence that will happen in approximately 24 hours and 43 minutes. I am so ready. Well not really, I'm pretty hungry right now and that's taking a bit of my enthusiasm away, but you bet your ass I'll be bench pressing ALL the ring girls tomorrow night. And by ring girls I mean slices of cheap pizza and beer.

Let's set things straight right now: I absolutely love Jose Aldo and cheer for him every single fight except for tomorrow. I just can't go against TKZ ever. Well, if he fought Mark Hunt then I'd be cheering for Mark Hunt of course but that won't happen...right ? Yeah I'm pretty sure it won't happen. Maybe it will. Who knows. It's 2013, anything is possible. ANYWAYS. I'm going full bias mode right now and am stating ON RECORD that TKZ will demolish Aldo. It won't be close. It'll be even more brutal than the time I beat up these carne asada fries with my mouth cause they looked at me wrong. So brutal. So tastily brutal. But how's he going to win ? Flying knee ? Twister ? Korean Necktie ? Double flying knee ? Right kick hospital, left kick cemetery ? Triple flying knee ? So many options but you can only choose one. The Korean Zombie by bulgogi marinated quadruple flying knee while walking out to Zombie Apocalypse by Mortician. 미친놈, bitch.

I feel so bad for Phil Davis. So very bad. Poor kid won't be able to do fuck-all against Machida. He's gonna throw some stupid jabs ? Or some dumb headkicks with no power ? Is he gonna twerk ? Fuck outta here. He won't be able to takedown Machida so there goes 80% of his game. Of course Machida won't do anything because Phil isn't confident enough in his striking to commit, so Machida will have nothing to counter. Ugh. This is gonna be a sludge-like 15 minute staring contest. Hope they have a camera on the ring girls during this one. Maybe they'll be getting manicures or something. Whatever. Machida by oh look, I found some chips on the floor. Yum.

The rest of the fights are so terrible that I'm going to lump them all into a Stream Of Consciousness Orgy:

Seriously, 6 fighters on the main card I have absolutely zero interest in watching. This might as well be a Fuel card. Pathetic. Cezar Ferreira looks like Vitor Belfort on even more TRT and Thiago "Santos Silva Pitbull" Santos has the most generic Brazilian name ever. So not in the mood for this garbage. No one wins. Thales Ladies is on the main card of a PPV in 2013 ? Who the fuck did he win to get back in the UFC ? Fuck off. Tom Watson talks some really bad shit and will be stuck to preliminary purgatory forever because Ladies might actually win by lay n pray. Seriously, fuck this main card. John Liniker missed weight by 4 fucking pounds. The guy he's fighting looks like a bridge troll with cauliflower ear. We all lose. Vinny Magalhash could lose forever and I wouldn't care. Anthony Perosh seem like a good guy that would probably buy you a couple rounds of beers and cheese sticks every time. I like that in a human. War Nice Guy Perosh. Except he's gonna lose. Chicks are fighting and I haven't seen any of them before. Are they good ? Are you even reading this anymore ? Shit, I lost interest 30 minutes ago. War Jessice Penne's pretty nose. I have no clue who Neil Magny or Sergio Moraes are. Exciting ? Not worth a shit ? Probably not worth a shit. Man, I could honestly eat a horse right now. Like, a horse in a adobada marinade or something. So much marinade in these picks. WAR TIO CREEPY. He SHOULD smash on this little Keebler Elf lookin' dude. Tio Creepy by 1st round TKO always. Rani Yayha is the smallest featherweight ever. He could probably fight at 125 but he's a lazy fuck like me so whatevs. Yayha by flying omoplaya unless he gasses badly. I really have no clue who the next 4 fighters are so I'm not even going to write about those fuckheads. Seriously. Worst. Card. Ever. Minus the main event. Ugh. Time for beers and food and more beers. PEACE.

My Picks For UFC On Fox: Mouse Man vs Baby Cholo

How do you get pumped up to go out on a Friday night ? Do laundry while listening to the new Gorguts. Works for me. And then tomorrow is a free card with awesome fights ? Oh yes. My body is READY for this weekend.

Onward To Golgotha

Dude seriously, who the FUCK is John Moraga ? I MAY have seen one of his fights but he's always been on the prelims right ? So who's the ad wizard that said "oh sure bro let's put some cholo in the MAIN EVENT on NATIONAL TELEVISION" when no one has ever seen him fight ? He probably stabs someone at Roberto's every Friday night. Who fucking knows. Why don't they just match up John Dodson with Benavidez ? Oh that would make too much sense though. Whoops. Gosh, I sure am angry right now even though tonight is going to rule. OK ENOUGH BAD VIBRATIONS TIME FOR HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Mighty Mouse by drama-free unanimous decision. Ah shit, that just took the fun out of this paragraph already. Sorry guys. But on the real, Mighty Mouse fights just don't interest me. He's gonna use decent footwork but still get hit in the face a bunch, he's gonna take you down for a few seconds, he's gonna show no power in his striking ever, he might throw a headkick, and that's a Mighty Mouse fight. And I don't know shit about John Moraga except he's a proud resident of Arizona and I fucking hate that state. This is a lose-lose situation for everyone. Praying for something zany to happen though, like Mighty Mouse Corey Hills is leg completely and Moraga is champ for like 1 month until Benavidez knocks him out. Welp.

Oh man I wish Rory McDonalds would fuck off forever. So tired of his shit. Fashionista over here is making it really difficult to take Canada seriously. Sorry Ken Mode. I'm glad Ellendegeneresburger agrees with me and is tired of his shit too. Kid looks so goofy and awkward. Natures Michael Cera. Oh goddamnit. I tried to leave Michael Cera out of my life but there he goes, awkwardly snaking his way in. Bastard. I'm glad I just came up with a new nickname for Rory though. So hows this fight going down ? With Natures Michael Cera crashing face first into the canvas as the Juggernaut jumps over the octagon and punches Arianny in the face a million times. I honestly don't see why everyone is so hyped about Rory. He beat up two lightweights, Che Mills, and uhh...shit I can't remember. Ellendegeneresburger by left hook KO. Fuck off Natures Michael Cera.

War Robbie Lawler. The only time I didn't cheer for him is when he fought Manhoef, a fight I'll never bring up. I've never seen Bobby Voltron fight but his neck looks funny so he probably sucks. Robbie finna flying knee that bozos face off and then fight Jake Ellenberger for the next title shot. Ohhhh mannnnnn that'd be such a good fight. Duuuuudeeee yesssssss. Lawler by 1st round bicycle kick KO.

Oh, Liz Carmouche. The woman that's never beaten anyone with a winning record. Oh. No big deal. Let's just hype her up anyways as a top 3 bantamweight for some reason. Yep. I really hope Andrade smashes on Carmouches Urijah Faber-ish face into oblivion but she'll probably get lay n prayed for 15 minutes. I don't know. Do you guys care about this fight ? Nope ? Me neither. Gonna be chugging some barrel aged stouts during this one. Uhhh...Andrade by having a winning record. I just want a beer right now.

Now it's time for my favorite part. The Prelims Stream of Consciousness:

Michael Chiesa's beard is seriously impressive. If Roy Nelson lost 100 pounds he'd look like that. Man I really need to urinate. Jorge Masvidal missed weight though and that does not inspire confidence. I can't pick against Gamebred ever though, war Masvidal by TKO 2nd round. Tim Means missed weight brutally so that means Danny Castillo is gonna lay n pray for 15 minutes, maybe even getting a stoppage in the 3rd round even though he'll probably be gassed. Melvin Guillard should blast right through Mac Danzig in spectacular black fashion but this is where he usually brain farts and gets submitted before the fight even starts somehow. Still going with my gut and picking Guillard by blacksplosiveness in the 1st round. Seems like most people are picking Cruickshank to win, I don't think I've seen him fight though PLUS I'm never picking against Thugjitsu. So war Yves Edwards by Larry Holmes dropkick to the face KO 2nd round. Ed Herman looks like Josh Homme. That's enough to win. War Julie Kedzie Invicta never die. Aaron Riley is so old. Don't know who Justin Salas is but he can't be as old as him. War Salsa. I keep hearing that John Albert is the best terrible fighter ever so I'm kinda excited to see him tomorrow night except I'll be napping during the prelims. Whoops.

TIME TO PARTY BITCHES. PEACE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LECHE.

Post-Fight Analysis For UFC 162: What The Hell Was That

I still have no reaction to that. My jaw might have slacked a bit but other than that I didn't really yell, or jump around, or punch the air, nothing. It just felt weird. My initial thought was that it was fixed. Yeah, shut up, but it popped in my head so deal with it. Watching the knockout about 1,000 times last night while eating donuts, you see Weidman set up the left hook that drops Anderson with a right back fist, so I'm pretty sure Weidman was listening to Dim Mak in the locker room the whole night. Just ridiculous. Silva looked like a straight BITCH last night and I'm glad he finally paid the price (even though I was always cheering for him when he clowned Bonnar, Griffin, Maia, etc...). What a dick. And then to quasi-retire after he lost ? Nick Diaz level bi-polar shit. Congrats to Weidman all the way. I'd love to see him fight Belfort, Mousasi, MELVIN MANHOEF POUND FOR POUND CHAMPION NEXT TO MARK HUNT, and Jacare. Melvin Manhoef destroys Weidman though so it doesn't even matter.

CONTINUING ON.

Edgar looked good, but Oliveira looked better even though he lost. I really thought Oliveira was getting smoked in the first round but he stood his ground and really brought the mosh. Third round turned into some serious stand n bang and I was loving it. With Siver losing, I could see Oliveira being ranked #10 maybe. Right ? That sounds reasonable to me. And Edgar needs to fight Chad Mendes before they talk about him getting another title shot. Jesus christ. Awesome fight. The featherweights always get turnt up.

Roger Gracie on some Rolles Gracie level conditioning. Chump shit. Gassing out after 3 minutes of grappling ? Come on son. Get it together. Tim Kennedy looked ok...? Whatever. He still pisses me off with his terrible tweeting skills.

Mark Munoz was on some beast-mode lumpia-eating savagery last night. For once his wrestling looked spot on, his cardio never wavered, and he was just violent. I forgot how ridiculous his ground n pound is. No one else gets the torque like him. Scary shit. Weidman kills him after Manhoef though so whatevs.

I told you guys Cub Swanson was gonna kill Panzer Division Siver but no one believed me. Bozos. Mini Daniel Craig impressed me with his top control in that first round though, had no clue he actually trained joo-jeetzu. Who does Swanson fight next ? Does he cut in front of Lamas for next title shot ? Does he fight Edgar ? Who knows. I would like to see him rematch Aldo though. Good stuff.

*le sigh*

What a weird night.

My Picks For UFC 162: The Spider vs The Ginzo

Hey what's up dudes. Anyone drunk yet ? I'm not but I'm getting there. Chugging this Stone Russian Imperial Stout right now on an empty stomach, by the time I get to the prelims I'll have faceplanted on my keyboard at least 187 times. That's my goal anyways. Oh, how was your 4th of July ? Mine was alright, ate 3 different desserts so that's a good start. Pretty sure I have ALL the types of diabetes right now. So worth it. Anyways...

Onward To Golgotha

PLEASE shut the fuck up about Chris Weidman already. Please. I am so sick of you ginzo wop fucks trying to convince a Tony Soprano-less universe that Chris Weidman has a chance. GET. REAL. I love gabagool as much as anyone else but don't give me this shit that because "he believes in himself" that he'll win. Really guy ? If that shit worked then I'd already be married to Camilla Belle, we'd have a welsh corgi farm, and our own restaurant called Swole's that would serve only the best flautas and craft beer in San Diego but that never happened. So don't tell me that Chris Weidman is going to submit (!!!) or TKO (!!!!!!) Anderson Silva just because he has faith in his abilities. He only had ONE good win and it was against a fat Mark Munoz that had a really bad haircut and an injured knee. Oh, he beat Alessio Suckara and Tom Lawlor ? That gives you hope he'll be the one to not only beat Anderson Silva, but FINISH him ?! Oh my god dude. I fucking hate all of you. Shit, I forgot I have to make a pick. Anderson Silva by whacking him like ''Big Pussy'' Bonspensiero and throwing him off the boat.

There's nothing to discuss regarding the Frankie Edgar vs Aloe Vera fight. Come on man. Biggest squash match of the year. Just disgusting matchmaking by Joe Silva. Yeah, Edgar hasn't won in his last 3 fights but to get another highlight reel moment like this is just pathetic. I would love nothing more than Aloe Vera to shock the world and submit or flying knee Edgar into a living death but that's...no. Not happening. Ugh. Total bullshit. Edgar by whatever he wants.

If Tim Kennedy would shut his whore mouth and stop trying to be controversial or zany or acting like some militant alpha male (which he is none of the above) I might actually pay attention when he fights, but he never gets the memo. And because of that I hope Hoger Gracie chokes his jabroni head clean off. I hope Hoger walks out to the most Islamic Pro-Allah song ever and burns the American flag in the cage. What's Kennedy gonna do ? Run to his phone and post an angry tweet ? Die. Hoger by hating the United States Of America.

Yeah, Mark Munoz losing 75 pounds for this fight is impressive and yeah ya know, dealing with depression sucks, I know all about that but like...who cares. He really thinks he'll be "in the mix" after beating Borscht ? Wow. He might have skipped depression and just went full schizophrenic. Poor guy. He DID look really damn good at the weigh-ins though, pretty motivating for a fat sumo fuck like me. Too bad Borscht is gonna KO him with redneck uppercuts of death in the 1st round.

Mr. So Cal vs Panzer Division Siver is gonna be fight of the night. It might actually only last one round but it'll be the craziest three minutes of face punching ever. Uh oh, I'm buzzed. I'm just honestly surprised that so many people are picking Panzer Division Siver to win. He drops to featherweight and beats two guys by decision while Mr. So Cal's been killing everybody with brutal KO's. I uhh...yeah I don't get that line of thinking. Buncha Nazi lovers, you sick fucks. Cub Swanson by Nazibuster 1st round. Deal with it haters.

Time for my favorite part of the night, prelims stream of consciousness rambling:

Chris Leben lives in San Diego now but I haven't seen him yet. Maybe we'll catch up at L&L soon. (That's a Hawaiian restaurant for all you uneducated weenies out there). WAR Leben all day. Andrew Craig looks like a fat Urijah Faber. Who the fuck is Norman Parke ? Who the fuck is Kazuhisa Takanori ? Losers. Dave Herman sucks a bag. Gabriel Gonzaga sucks an even bigger back. But who will suck just enough to win ? Probably Gonzaga. I don't know, this fight will probably suck a bunch of suck. Edson Barboza by Lekobuster because the guy he's fighting has a crappy beard. Seth Backnezinskkykykyyyy is ok. The guy he's fighting probably sucks. Guess Seth wins. Mike Pierce by either supremely boring decision or brutal finish. Who knows. I don't know, I'm too drunk to make a pick.

Anyways, enjoi your Friday night. I'm gonna have more beer. I love you all.

-SwolePeer

My Picks For UFC 161: The Winnipeg Screwjob

Sup dudes. Are any of you excited for this card ? Don't say yes. If you say yes, I'm going to block you from reading these forever and your life will be a tad more dull. I know I'm not excited for this card. Imagine if I said yes ? How do you ban yourself from reading your own fight picks ? Shit just got Inception'd in here. Anyways...

Onward To Golgotha

But seriously. You guys remember when this card was actually sorta kinda decent ? I mean Barao was going to sub Wineland and Nog was gonna split decision Shogun but at least it legitimized streaming the PPV illegally. Now it's not even worth getting on my computer for. Unless somebody comes up with a radical plan for tomorrow night I'll probably end up slumming it with you guys in the discussion zone. I mean I love chatting with you guys about fights, it's my favorite thing, but jeez...this card is more depressing then getting snubbed by a girl who said she'd go on a date with you. *crickets* *douchechills* *crickets with douchechills*

"A RIGHT HAND ! ANOTHER RIGHT HAND ! BWABWABWABWA IT'S OVER !!". EASILY my favorite call by Maura Ranallo. He really should be Hendo's official commentator when a knockout is guaranteed. Too bad it's not happening tomorrow night because Rashad is gonna run away for 15 triflin' ass minutes. Oh please MMA gods, please bless us with a decent fight with some semblance of drama. But Crom has been a real fucking asshole to me lately so it'll probably end in the first minute with an eyepoke by Arianny because she's jealous of Brittney Palmers stupid nutrition company taking off now. Can Brittney Palmer shut up with her dumb ass nutrition tips on Instagram already ? Jesus christ that is some overbearing shit. No one cares that you work out every day, or you do really terrible stencils, just continue to wear booty shorts and smile. Enough. Hendo by H-Bomb because if Rashad landed an N-Bomb it'd be really uncomfortable.


Oh Roy Nelson. You racist fucking scumbag. You don't call Daniel Cormier an Uncle Tom. My god, how fucking stupid can you be ? He's going to clinch against the cage with you for 15 minutes. Are you man enough to handle that ? DIDN'T THINK SO. Also, can I use this space to talk about how christ rapingly ignorant Josh Thomson is ? HOLY. SHIT. Gay marriage is a gateway drug to pedophilia and bestiality ? Dude...what ? How did you even. WHAT ?! Seriously ? Are you part of this planet ? Oh my god. You headkick Nate Diaz's stupid face off and the world loves you, then you turn around and drip tard slobber all over it. Why would you EVER say something like that ? You and Roy Nelson can go be useless fuckbags that no one cares about ever. Let Josh Burkman choke your dumb ass out forever on some bogus ass World Series Of Farting card. Ugh. Oh I have to make a pick...umm...Cro Cop Miocic by left headkick because this card sucks anyways and who cares.

Ryan Jimmo has perpetual duckface. I should pick him to get knocked out until the universe collapses under the weight of my beard but Igor Pokerjack has pillowfists so that's not happening. Damnit. Jimmo by decision because Canada.

Shawn Jordan has some thick legs but they're not as beefy as mine. I'm the real beefcastle here, don't ever forget it. Pat Barry rules. That's really all I can say about him, as annoying as he gets sometimes, he throws every punch at 666% kill power. Can't ever pick against someone that has zero fucks to give. WAR Pat Barry forever.

The only guy more delusional than Josh Thomson is Jake Shields. Does he really believe the shit he says ? He's looked like my poop after eating lots of Sriracha in all of his UFC fights, plus he failed a drug test, and then thinks he can match Woodley's KO power. HUH ? When has Milquetoast Man ever shown KO power ? He tried jabbing an apricot in his backyard once and it bounced back and broke his fucking jaw. Shields just sucks. Tyrone Woodley gonna THROW THEM 'BOWS, THROW THEM 'BOWS. TKO 1st round.

I'm getting tired so it's time for the mandatory prelim stream of consciousness:

Alexis Davis looks like a slightly cuter version of Sarah Kaufman, I think ? I don't know. Never seen her right. I only recognize Rosi Sexton's name from Fighter's Only articles. Heard she should be fighting at 125 too. Darn. Alexis Davis by sub 1st round. James Krause looks like somebody...damnit. Who ? OH. He kinda looks like a tall Dustin Poirier. War Tall Dustin Poirier. Sam Stout fucking sucks anyways. Sean Pierson is terrible. I hope K-Rob does something to him that makes him bleed and cry and scream a bunch. Who the fuck is Roland Delorme ? Edwin Figueroa should be fighting at 125 but he's fucking lazy and shoulda been cut by the UFC already. Uhhh...wow this fights gonna be awkwardly shitty. Can't wait. War nobody. John Maguire finally dropped down to 155 and Mike Dolce needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP. War Maguire. Yves Jabouin can go retire. Thanks. Hope to see you jezebels in the discussion zone tomorrow. PEACE.

My Picks For UFC On Fuel: Nogueiradamus vs Fabiola Verdumb

Oh shit it's already Friday ? Dude, rad. I'm already pretty hopped up on Sierra Nevada Hoptimum and just trying to figure out which beer to introduce myself to next. What do you guys think ? I could open up the Alesmith Yulesmith, it's only a week old. Decisions...

Onward To Golgotha

It was only two weeks ago when my heart was crushed by Junior Dos Santos' Lekobuster but I've recovered and am back in the swing of things. And surprising enough, this Fuel card is actually decent and should bring back that unbridled enthusiasm I'm used to giving y'all. Ok that's enough crap. Time to get down to brass tacks.

You shouldn't even be reading this if you haven't seen the first fight between Nog and Werdum. Well I guess you can if you're bored on a friday night like me, but still. That fight showed how much of a stud Old Man Nog was back in the day and how much Werdum has improved since then. And it also showed how much the UFC needs Lenne Hardt, because Bruce Buffer does not do Nog's entrance justice. I just wish Old Man Nog was still a stud, cause I foresee my heart also being crushed tomorrow night. Well not really, I was never a diehard Nog fan but seeing him lose to Mir twice and getting MurderDeathKill'd by Velasquez took the fun out of it. Werdum might not MDK Nog but he sure as shit can TKO him. And it's probably happening tomorrow night. Theres no way this fight goes the full 5 rounds. INCONCEIVABLE. Is Nog fast enough to outbox Werdum ? Dude I don't know. I kinda doubt it though. Shit. I'd also be kinda shocked if it goes to the ground at all. Who are you guys picking ? Oh fuck it. PRIDE NEVER DIE. BIG NOG BY KIMURA ALL FUCKING DAY BOZOS.

Thiago Silva is the scariest looking dude not named Wallid Ismael to ever live. He hasn't won a fight in four (4) years so the scariness is slowly slipping away. But like if you were at a bar and you sorta almost cut in front of him to grab the last Stone Brewing Espresso Russian Imperial Stout on cask you might just run the fuck away and leave your girlfriend to fend for herself. I wouldn't run though cause I'm a bad dude also and would protect my girlfriend even if it meant getting a concussion and possibly banned from the bar, but ya know, whatever. Man stuff. Rafael Feijao is also a man, a man that knocks out fuckos with his man hands n shit. He ain't scared. He don't get turnt up. Well actually he probably does, but no ones going to stop him. So all that leaves us with is, who the shit is scary enough to win tomorrow night ? I gotta go with Feijao on this one. Yeah he doesn't pass his drug tests but this is 2013 bro, shit happens. Drugs happen. Whatever. That's what happens when you get turnt up sometimes. Who cares. Feijao by Lekobuster because why not.

Daniel Sarafian is one scary looking beef castle. He's 5'9" and built like a brick shithouse. Eddie Mendez looks like the wimpiest carrot that ever came from Brazil. Using a highly structured method of picking fights I've reached the conclusion that Brick Shithouse beats Wimpy Carrot 100% of the time. War Brazilian Brick Shithouse.

Jason High loves The Wire. Erick Silva is really handsome. Damnit. Who do I pick ? This is too difficult right now. But logic dictates that Erick Silva is such a handsome savage and he usually destroys wrestlers anyways with his handsomeness that Jason High doesn't stand a chance. Sorry dude, but Omar comin' yo. Erick Silva by Lekobuster because this is Brazil. You don't make the rules.

The other 8 fights suck so bad that I'm just going to stream of consciousness it up. Prepare your buttholes people:

Didn't Leo Santos get kicked in the balls really badly in Japan a couple years ago ? That's my only vague memory of him. The guy he's fighting looks like an even more obnoxious Kevin Randleman. War Leo Santos' balls. Rony Jason looks like a super asshole but Mike Wilkinson's face is begging to be smashed in with elbows. War Super Asshole. Raphael Assuncao shouldn't be on the prelims fighting an unranked fighter. Total bullshit. Assuncao by whatever he wants, when he wants, because he's FUCKING Raphael Assncow. Rodrigo Damm looks like Bishop from Aliens. He's fighting a Japanese guy. War Japan. Two guys with names I can't even type are fighting, so they don't count as humans. Caio Magalhaes is a creepy looking guy and Karlos Vemola has a crooked eye. War Crooked Eye ? Anthony Smith's face pisses me way off. Antonio Braga Neto is supposed to be good so I guess I'll pick him. Whatever. I just can't wait to go to the bar tomorrow night. PEACE.

My Picks For UFC 160: The Oceania Super Fighter Show

It's almost here. We are 24 hours away from the biggest fight in the history of face punching. Mark Hunt is fighting for a number one contenders spot in the UFC in 2013. Holy. Shit. This is real, right ? This is real life ? Or did I get Inception'd somehow ? Who cares. The Samoan Monster has been my favorite fighter since I first started following MMA back in 2007 when Jay Glazer and Frank Trigg hosted a Best Of Pride show. I was drawn to this stocky islander that had a similar build to me and was knocking everybody out and then eating all the spam musubi the universe could provide. He was talented but lackadaisical so you never got to see him at his 100% best. Then he comes to the UFC and I'm freaking out, just waiting to watch his debut against Sean McSnorkle (who ?) and couldn't wait to watch him knock this tall doofus out. Of course that didn't happen and he ended up getting submitted with a kimura from guard and I may or may not have cried that night. Then they match him up with Chris Tuschererererer and once again, he almost gets submitted with an Americana but he survives and uppercuts that fat white guys spiked blonde hair off and walks away like he just left the buffet and they ran out of egg rolls. This was followed up by the Ben Rothwell fight and you can bet your ass I was scared. A big grappler with a solid chin ? Oh no. But thank Crom that they were fighting in Denver and the altitude sapped Rothwell of all his cardio and Hunto was about 2 seconds away from securing an armbar and I almost bench pressed every sumo wrestler that ever lived. Never been so excited to watch someone sloppily win a decision but it's goddamn Mark Hunt people. Get it together. He's my idol. I should really start separating this into paragraphs but ain't nobody got time for that. And the Cheick Kongo fight. HA. You sons of bitches actually thought this glass jawed yokel was gonna wrestle for 15 minutes against Hunt ? DIE A BUNCH OF TIMES YOU ASSHOLES. You knew it was over once he countered with that left hook and Kongo went tumbling like the loser he is. Ain't nobody defeating Hunt in Japan. Especially Stefan Strudel. Stupid bean pole looking poop head. You guys may or may not have seen my reaction to that fight (http://youtu.be/czgvrFt4K4E) but you should watch it and feel the anxiety I felt for those 3 rounds. I guess it's time for a new paragraph huh ?

SO ANYWAYS I'M KIND OF A BIG MARK HUNT FAN AND THIS IS THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF HIS CAREER AND LIKE I'M SUPER PUMPED AND ANXIOUS AND WOW WOW WOW LET'S DO THIS.

Mark Hunt by first round walk off KO. Or Atomic Buttdrop. Did you guys really expect a different pick from me ? Get real. Yeah I like Dos Santos and of course I was bummed when Cain beat him in the rematch but well, I hope he loses this fight too and gets fired and never fights again. That sounded a bit harsh but whatever. Islander Pride you weenies. Junior is gonna use those jabs to the body but he'll forget he's facing the best counter striker in the UFC and will feel those Spam can fists all over his chin when he gets dropped in the first two minutes. Definitely not getting any sleep tonight. It's going to be a powerful night for all of us. Guamanian Geisha, you better not miss this.

Poor Bigfoot, demolishes Overeem and STILL has no chance against Cain Velasquez. Theres just no way he's improved his speed to avoid the takedown. It's just...no. It's not happening. The only thing that can happen is Cain blowing out both of his knees while walking out to the cage and even then he could probably shoot a double with just his stumps and complete a takedown. Sorry Bigfoot. Cain by TKO 1st round (again).

I'm gonna be honest, I was going to do every fight on this card with the same analysis and unbridled enthusiasm that Mark Hunt recieved, but goddamn if the last two days haven't been absolute piles of shit so I'm just going to stream of consciousness the FUCK out of the rest of the fights.

Here goes:

TJ Grant has an awesome beard and that'll be the deciding factor against Gray Maynard who is actually growing on me, just not for this fight. Sorry bro. KJ Noons still has some of the best hair not named Luke Rockhold but it's not saving him against Cerrone's headkicks. James "The Tuna" Te Huna has a good shot of winning but it'd probably have to be by KO or something cause I think Glover is going to wear this guy down. SHOULD be an awesome fight if they don't clinch n bitch it up. Uhhh...Te Huna by KO because war New Zealand. I can't fucking wait to sleep. Rick Story is such a fucking douche and Mike Pyle is also a douche but he proudly wears the Miguel Torres mullet so fucking WAR Mullet WAR Pyle by TKO 2nd round. Dennis Bermudez had American Psycho Christian Bale hair at the weigh ins. It was pretty goddamn awesome. Max Holloway is too small for being a Hawaiian. Bermudez by returning some video tapes. Colton Smith looks like a major fucking douche. Who's he fighting ? He's probably a douche too. I'll be eating during this fight. Kebab Nurembergdegmogav or whatever is ALSO a douche bag. So fuck him. Abel Trujillo looks like the pinnacle of being a fucking prick BUT he didn't shove his opponent at the weigh ins so WAR Fucking Prick. George Roop can make 135. Ridiculous. Brian Balls is going to knock his ass out to 125 or death. Probably death. Jeremy Stephens is the prototype for being a douchebag prick asshole so like, yeah, he should die. I don't know the name of the guy he's fighting but he can't be as terrible a human being as Jeremy Stephens. War Other Guy. Time for sleep.

P.S. I'll be seeing you at your art show Guamanian Geisha. 

My Picks For UFC on FX: Feetor Belfart vs Dude From Santa Cruz With Great Hair

Just ate a black forest ham with Nutella burrito. Wasn't too bad. Coulda used a beer with it doe. Maybe a Great Divide Oak Aged Chocolate Yeti Stout or something. I think I'll pick one of those up tonight. Yeah. That sounds good. Why am I doing these picks on a Thursday instead of Friday ? Because I make the rules up in here. Deal with it.

Onward To Golgotha

Man, it's impossible to get pumped for this card. Once Costa Philipoo got injured and Chris Camozzi filled his spot my heart just crumbled. Well not really, but a little anyways. Surprised the main event isn't getting any hype either cause it has the potential to be a really badical fight. Will Belfort be super jacked on TRT ? Of course. Will Rockhold's hair look amazing ? Of course. Will Gleison Tibau gas during the fighter introductions ? Of course. Will Arianny look ridiculous with her no ass compared to every other Brazilian strumpet in the crowd with their hella surra de bundas* ? OF. FUCKING. COURSE.

Ok so raise your hand if you're picking Belfort by BLAZING HAND SPEED KO. My hand is raised. I don't think Rockhold will be able to keep Belfort away with his body kicks and eventually Belfort is going to rush in with a left hook and knock him out cold. That's some K-1 level analysis right there guys. Guy avoids kick, guy punches guy in face, guy wins fight. That's some super technical, analrapist shit right there guys. BET THE HOUSE ON BELFORT. DO IT. FOR JESUS. Belfort by first round KO.

Chris Camozzi is absolutely terrible at all aspects of MMA, BUT, he DOES have the best "stereotypically horrendous fighter tattoos" ever. So much tribal. So. Much. Tribal. He's a terrible tattoo black belt under Pamela Anderson. Oh holy shit I mentioned Pam Anderson in my picks. Wow. That is TRULY next level. And really sets the bar of ridiculousness high for the next batch of picks I do. Shit. Jacare by being a monster. Flying triangleplataarmbar 1st ten seconds.

I fear for Hafael Two Anjos life every time he fights. After Guida (FUCKING GUIDA) broke his jaw and then Gleison Tibau nearly raped it off his face with giant steroid Brock Lesnar implant gorilla fists, I'm surprised he can still chew on Captain Crunch without getting a bunch of concussions. Evan Dunham looked like absolute feces in his last fight against Tibau (that's like the millionth time I've mentioned Tebow in these picks and I'm not even going to discuss his fight) so like, maybe Two Anjos' jaw will survive another onslaught of crunchberries to the dome. I'm a big fan of his muay thai soooo Two Anjos' by headkick jawbreaking KO 2nd round.

Rafael Natal sucks. He's fighting a newcomer. War newcomer.

I'm just gonna breeze through the prelims in a stream of consciousness jumbled mess:

Hacran Dias, I always hear his name but never seen him fight. Too bad he's fighting Lentz N Fence cause he's getting decisioned so hard. Who the fuck is Mike Rio and why isn't Max Cavalera headlining this card. Oh theres Gleison Tibau, I'm really tired of typing his stupid name so I'm skipping his fight. War Paulo Thiago forever even though he's looked so bad in his last like...5 fights at least. Ugh. Yuri Alcantara knocked out whats his face, Ricardo Lamas ? Or am I thinking of another WEC guy ? I don't know. War Yury DA FURY Alanctara anyways. Fabio "Looks Like Mike Patton" Moldynalgas is finally going to get a legit win. War Moldynalgas. Who is Asthma GashNmosh ? He probably sucks. So does John Lineker. Kamikaze Kariaso is probably knocking out Juicy Formiga. That's a shame. Jeremy Larsen sounds like an asshole that would spill your bowl of Captain Crunch. Lucas Martins sounds like his dad used to play tennis AND/OR golf so he wore polo shirts as a baby and got beat up in school every day. Good. He fucking deserved it. Man I'm starving. Later bitches.

*Google it. Get a boner. Don't tell me about your boner though.

My Picks For UFC 159: Boner Jams Jones vs Chael "The Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' And Dealin' Son Of A Gun" Sonnen

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!

I'm elbow dropping the Universe in my Ric Flair boxers right now 100 percent sober. That should be the real main event of this card cause who the fuck thinks Sonnen has a chance at beating Jones ? Get outta here. Instead of them fighting, I'm going to elbow drop and knee drop the Octagon for 25 minutes while Brittney Palmer does a really crappy live painting of me and then sells it on Instagram for a million dollars. That's the main event. I should really be drunk while doing these picks cause oh wow this card is terrible. ANYWAYS.

Onward To Golgotha

So done with Chael Sonnen. So done with Jones fighting middleweights instead of legitimate 205'ers. So done with Dana White shoving these terrible matches up our asses and trying to convince us it's a great fight. So done with these allergies. So done with being sober tonight, it's time to get plastered and drunk text everybody. Prepare your buttholes people. Jones by D'arce choke 3rd round. Maybe earlier. Probably earlier. Sonnen is going to throw those terrible Dan Henderson-like inside leg kicks and shoot for doubles all night. Too bad he won't be successful at all cause he'll be shooting from way out. You think he's gonna somehow clinch with Jones and not get dropped on his face ? Get real. This is such a gigantic mismatch. Of course I'll be cheering for Sonnen anyways cause I'm the biggest hypocrite in MMA and I always love a ridiculous upset...it's just not happening this time. Wheres my beer ?

Used to hate Alan Belcher, then he grew on me, now I hate him again. Probably because he fought like turtle turds against Okami and knocked out Paul Harris. Is he going to shock the world and be the first guy to KO Bisping since Hendo ? Probably not. Will Bisping KO Belcher ? Fuck outta here guy. Will this fight be boring ? Bet your sweet ass it will. Man I really need some thai food right now. After I type this pick I'm gonna head out and get thai food. I'm a man of my word. So, Bisping by decision ? I hate doing these safe picks that aren't amusing at all but it's Bisping, and he doesn't inspire confidence. It's not like these are picks I'm betting real money on. Hmm...let's go Belcher by 1st round tornado kick. Fuck it.

Ok I'm back. Just ate some Pad See Ew with peanut sauce and sriracha, chased it down with an Avery Brewing IPA. Feelin' good for the first time today. Fuck yeah. Where we at now ? Oh Roy Nelson vs Cheick Kongo. Uhhh...goddamn Kongo is terrible. Sure he has an amazing body that I wish I had but other than that he's a terrible fighter. Mark Hunt destroyed his chin forever. Roy Nelson's going to destroy it even more. Wish I had more thai food. Gosh it was so good. This fight is either going to end in a KO or 15 minutes of clinching against the cage. I'm hoping for the former. BIG BELLY NELSON BY HOMETOWN BUFFET BREAKFAST SLAM KO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!

Phil Davis, I really, really hope your babies mama is just a lying bitch. If what she says is true, MY GOD MEAN GENE, MY GOD. I'M. GOING. TO. STRANGLE. YOU. HALF. TO. DEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry guys, can't stop with the Ric Flair lines. He's too fucking awesome. Phil Davis being accused of rape isn't though. With that being said, WAR VINNY BANGLADESH ! Or however you pronounce his last name. He's really handsome and...I guess that's it. Vinny by Vinnyplata ? That'd be awesome. Probably gonna be a decision though if Phil wants to stand n bang. Or choke n bang. Fucking rapist. WAR VINNYPLATA 1st ROUND.

BATTLE OF THE REDBEARDS. Jim Miller looks like a SAVAGE with the shave head/big beard combo. Pat Healy has a bigger skull than Tito Ortiz though. So like, that's gotta get him some brownie points too. Won't be enough brownie points to beat Jim Miller though. His cardio is too ridiculous and he's going to outwork Healy and finish with a rear naked in the 3rd round. Bank on it. WAR MILLER BEARD.

I'm not writing up the prelims. I'd rather drink more. PEACE BITCHES.

My Picks For UFC On Fox: Benderson's Amazing Legs vs The World

I'm on my game tonight you harlots. Watching the Pride 2006 Open Weight GP, listening to Indian, eating hot cheetos, feelin' pretty good even though this head cold is trying to take the fun out of the weekend. You strumpets better be pumped up for an amazing free card that's stacked from top to bottom. I'll also be pretty drunk by 5pm so shits getting rowdy in the discussion zone.

Onward To Golgotha

Dear lord Ben Henderson has some amazing legs. I mean...err...he has...awesome legs ?...ummm...they're nice to look at ?...shit. I HOPE TO HAVE LEGS LIKE HIM. Wait that sounds even worse. Damnit. Anyways, Benderson is turning into the Blasian GSP at this rate. Don't see anyone beating him unless Michael Chandler moves over from Bellator and KO's him. That's my dream fight in about 2 more years, let Chandler get some more experience before he moves over. Ugh this headache is killing me. So do you guys think Melendez has a chance at beating Benderson ? Cause I'm not seeing it. Yeah, Benderson's striking is turbo overrated, especially that stupid triple jab he throws that does nothing, but his half-blacksplosiveness should allow him to leg kick Melendez for 25 minutes. If Melendez didn't look so crappy against Thomson in their third fight (I really thought Thomson won that fight) then I'd feel a bit more confident about his chances against Benderson but it's not happening. Sorry El Nino. Be happy that you have a beautiful family and you live in San Francisco. Bendersonson by decision.

Really wish Frank Mir would shut up forever but theres no chance of that happening soon. Goddamnit. At least Cormier will shut him up for about 5 more months. Mir DID look pretty stacked at the weigh ins but that doesn't translate to applicable athleticism* in the fight. He usually gets clinched against the cage and punched in the face a bunch of times before his curly hair starts flying over the place and the ref stops the fight. Does Mir think he's going to run at Cormier and land a flying gogoplata on Cormier ? Daniel has no neck, how the fucks he going to choke him out ? Is Mir going to test his strength like Hulk Hogan does and then say "not so fast bitch" and drop for a heel hook ? Fuck outta here guy. Cormier is lighting his ass up with cajun-seasoning on the ends of his fists. Cormier by first round KO.

WAR STOCKTON WAR NORCAL WAR 209 WAR DIAZ BROTHERS FOREVER WAR DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE. But Nate looked so drawn out at the weigh-ins and Josh Thomson looked like the hottest male model ever. I mean...he's handsome...yeah. YEAH JOSH THOMSON IS HANDSOME SO WHAT ? WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT DAWG ? I'm feeling an upset here to be honest. Nate's my boy but I think Thomson uses some angles and lots of leg kicks to fuck with Diaz's plan of getting in close and throwing 500 body shots. Or Josh gets dumb and decides to brawl and ends up getting dropped/subbed right after. Anythings possible son. Am I really picking against a Diaz brother though ? NOPE. NATE DIAZ BY HEADKICK KO FIRST SECOND OF ROUND ONE.

Matt Brown is getting royally starched in this fight. Just...man I feel bad for the guy. Jordan Mein is a savage and it's going to be ugly. Mein by bloody elbows/broken orbitals first round.

Kinda can't stand Darren Elkins but I really can't stand Chad Mendes. Must be because he trains at Team Napoleon Complex. Sadly for Darren he has no chance in this fight unless Mendes breaks his hand(s) in the first round and can't defend against Elkins game plan of grinding and throwing baby punches from guard. That's probably not happening though so Mendes by TKO 1st round. Excited for this fight though, Mendes IS fun to watch...usually.

Holy shit Francis Carmont is terrible but he has an awesome french villians voice. Thankfully Lorenzo Larkin is a monster and he's going to tornado kick the living shit out of Carmont. DA MONSOON by tornado kick tsunami. If Carmont even THINKS about trying to Randy Couture his way to a win he can die forever.

Ramsey Nijem's face pisses me off. Myles Jury beat up Michael Johnson for 15 minutes. Anyone that beats up Michael Johnson and also has disdain for dumb looking faces is fine by me. Myles Jury by something. I don't know. My head hurts.

Damnit Benavidez. Please beat Mighty Mouse. I'm tired of you beating everyone else at flyweight. It's bumming me out man. Darren Uyenoyoyoymamamama upsetting you would be pretty rad though. Too bad it's not happening. Benavidez is a handsome stud and has dual nipple piercings. That's pretty much an unstoppable combination. Benavidez by nipple piercings.

Jorge Masvidal has such a southern Florida beard. Jeez. Way too lined up for me. But he seems like a totally rad dude that would steal your buffalo wings if you went to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Tim Means looks like someone that would use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese and then he'd make a derogatory comment about the girl you're interested in. NOT COOL. Jorge Masvidal by being a good wingman. Pun intended.

Oh TJ Dillashaw. Of all the faces in the world I hate, yours is number one. If Brock Lesnar was 5'2" and had a Napoleon complex he would be TJ Dillpickles. I don't know who Hugo Viana is but he looks like that Omar Rodriguez Lopez Asilomar Margarita Tijuana Telemundo Frijoles guy from that one band....The Mars Voltron. I can't stand their vocalist but everyone else in that band is a savage. I'm going with the Mars Voltron looking guy.

Never cheering against The Nigerian Gangster. Never. Hoger Bowling looks like a really bad Ultimate Warrior impersonator. War Nigerian Gangster by first round Leko Buster.

Clifford "The Legendary Ghostdini" Starks is wining because the latest Ghostface Killa album is ridiculously good. Probably my top 5 album of 2013 so far. Tremendous. War GFK.

Oh wow that was a lot of typing. Time for more cranberry juice and sleep. See you bitches tomorrow.



*That sounded really dumb. Sorry about that guys.

My Picks For UFC 157: The Japanese Caterpillar vs Hiroshima Hendo

What's up you savages. Just ate a fat dinner and now I'm riding this buzz brought to you by the Ommegang brewery. I wish there was more than 4 fights on this card that I cared about but we'll make the best of it. Time to grind.


Onward To Golgotha


Rickson by armbar.

Ok now that we got the Ronda analysis out of the way, let's get to the REAL main event. This fight should be 5 rounds. 5 rounds so I can have a 25 minute raging erection in anticipation of an H-Bomb or a Crane Kick KO. This is going to bring the ultra violence. I can just feel it in my balls. Hendo shouldn't be ale to land anything on Machida but anything is possible and oh my gosh the tension will be so thick. Of course the Los Angeles crowd will be booing cause they're a bunch of assholecuntbastarddicks but I'm getting off point. Who do I think is going to win ? Machida. My gut is going with Machida and I feel like he can be the first to knock out Hendo with a beautiful counter. Hendo throwing that dumb inside leg kick and then throwing his weight and overhand right on to Machida's chin would be fucking amazing though. Brain: Machida. Heart: Hendo.

So tired of seeing Faber fight. I'd prefer if he just went to Bellator and fought Eduardo Dantas a bunch of times instead of clogging up the main cards with his butt chin. Dudes on the decline. That being said, The Pride Of El Salvador is getting decision'd like a motherfucker in this fight. Pinche pobrecito. I don't think Menjivar has the power to KO Faber and he certainly won't submit him. He might just go for infinite spinning back fists though and score the second biggest upset of the year. Who knows. That actually sounds good, Menjivar by spinning back fist KO 1st round. Death to butt chins.

Court Mcgee and Josh Neer are on the main card of a PPV in 2013. Yeah. Fuck MMA.

Did you see Kos' hair at the weigh ins ? What the fuck man. Robbie Lawler doesn't have ridiculous hair. He wins by flying knee KO late 1st round. Fuck it.

Don't understand how Lavar "Big Penis" Johnson and Brenda Slob weren't on the main card. The fuck. Thank god Slob is getting knocked out fast and I'll be drunk by then so that'll enhance the experience x666. Big Penis by big floppy ko.

I swear to god this card better be fucking exciting. On paper it looks like absolute shit. Anyways, enjoy your friday night you savages and join me in the Discussion Zone tomorrow.